Twilight to Dusk

Chapter Six

The first Ravenclaw Quidditch match was drawing nearer. The stress of the upcoming event showed clearly in Ema and Ari, the only two Ravenclaw second years on the team. The quality of her playing weighed heavily on Ari as she did not think she had improved at all since the previous year when, in her opinion, she had positively stunk.

Ema, she knew, wasn't so much worried about her own performance as the team's at large. The previous year they had won the Quidditch cup for the first time in the history of Ravenclaw house - apart from in Harry Potter's first year, when Harry had been unconscious in the hospital wing - but it had been too close for comfort. Now the Ravenclaws faced Hufflepuff, who were, by common consent, the best team in the school.

"Why does Slytherin always get to play Gryffindor first?" griped Ema one night as she and Ari discussed tactics for achieving the impossible and beating Hufflepuff. "We could get an easy win to start us off, then try and fail to defeat Hufflepuff."

"Alright, Miss-Oh-So-Optimistic," said Ari. "How do you suggest we achieve that?"

"Maim and injure all the members of the Slytherin and Hufflepuff teams, then we'll be the only ones left, and then we'll have to play them so then we'll win and -"

"Ema, that would, of course, be after we're expelled, right?" asked Ari, laughing. She loved it when Ema went off on crazy schemes that they would never even consider putting into action.

"Besides," put in Jamie, who had apparently been listening in on the entire conversation, "you don't need to say maim and injure. If you maim someone, it is implied that you also injured them."

"Oh, shut up," said Ema, rolling her eyes. "I'll injure them twice then. Let's do our astronomy. No, let's let Jamie do all the astronomy, and then tell us the answers." Jamie shot Ema a look that Ari thought would have boiled cabbage, but Ema was already engrossed in her essay about the order of the solar system, and didn't see it.

* * *

Saturday morning, the Ravenclaw Four sat eating a peaceful breakfast, arguing enjoyably about whether or not someone really fancied someone else. Ema wasn't sure who and who, but apparently she nodded and shook her head in all the right places because no one gave her a strange look. Looking up in exasperation at what she thought was the most idiotic comment Jamie had ever made, she saw Star swooping down to the Ravenclaw table with a letter clamped in her beak. Ema made to remove it, but Star turned her back on her owner and dropped it the letter in front of Ari instead.

"What?" asked Ema stupidly.

Ari pocketed the note, and continued to eat, though considerably faster than before.

The other three looked at each other with raised eyebrows but didn't say anything. According to the date, it probably had something to do with the unborn baby who, by the looks of it, might no longer be in that state.

Ema helped herself to toast. Tuning herself out of Ronnie's and Jamie's conversation - something about bats, or marsupials - she started thinking about the letter Ari had gotten. She had a pretty good idea where it had come from.

When Ari got up from the table - much earlier than they usually would have - Ema followed her, Jamie and Ronnie trailing behind. They climbed through the portrait hole and Ari turned to face them, eyes shining with excitement, practically jumping up and down. "It's from my mum," she told them, smiling warmly.

Ema smiled uncertainly. She didn't know exactly how Ari was feeling and she didn't want to be in her friend's line of fire, if there was any fire to be had.

"Give me a moment!" said Ari, dashing upstairs.

"Why won't she read it to us?" asked Ema, looking slightly offended.

"Because," said Jamie, in a tone of maddening superiority, "she wants to be the first to know."

"Oh," said Ema, and, unable to think of anything else to say, the three of them lapsed into silence.

They sat, grinning stupidly at each other, sometimes chatting about the baby, sometimes just staring out into space. Ema kept looking back at the stairs, expecting Ari to come dashing down them any second shouting, "It's a girl! It's a boy!" But she didn't.

The tension was growing rapidly as three minutes passed. The three of them shifted in their seats, stared into the fire, fidgeted with their hair ... twenty minutes passed and Ema even started on her homework. But when it had been half an hour since Ari's face had been seen, Ema stood up.

"No, Ema ... Leave her alone," said Ronnie.

"What?" said Ema, very taken aback.

"Ronnie's right, Em, it's not our business," stated Jamie.

"It's my business if something's wrong with my friend!" shouted Ema, causing many people to stare. And she ran up to the dormitory.

The other two sighed, then followed.

The curtains were closed around Ari's bed, but Ema couldn't hear any sounds. "Ari?" she asked uncertainly, opening the curtains slightly.

Ari was sitting on her bed, the letter in her hands, staring at the pillows as though they were transparent. "Hey," she said, her voice shaky.

Ronnie and Jamie sat on the edge of the bed, and Ema went to sit right next to Ari. "Erm ..." she said, glancing at the other two. "What did your mum have to say?"

"She has a boyfriend," said Ari, shrugging.

The other three looked at each other in confusion. Ema tried to find the words to ask the question all three of them were dying to hear the answer.

Ari apparently misinterpreted their silence. "It's fine," she said, shrugging again, and she sounded as though it was fine. "It's Mr. Davison, from down the street, you know him, Ema."

Ema nodded slightly. She sensed that Ari was telling the truth in that this was not what was bothering her, but something was...and what else could it be but the baby? Ema didn't know how to ask, so she glanced at Ronnie and Jamie, silently pleading for help.

"Um." said Jamie, clearly at a loss for what to say. "Has your mum ... had the baby?"

Ari let out a dry sob, as though she wanted nothing more than to cry, but couldn't manage. "It was a s-stillbirth ... a boy." she choked out.

The three of them clapped their hands over their mouths and tried to hug Ari at the same time, nearly knocking her off the bed.

Ari said nothing, just stared over their heads as though she couldn't bear thinking about it any more.

When she pulled away, Ema stared at her friend. "Ari," she said quietly, "why don't you come see Professor Flitwick? I don't think you're fine, and I think you need to tell someone else."

"No," said Ari, seeming to make an effort to steady her voice. "I ... I really don't want anyone to know, Ema. I know it's stupid, I do. But I don't want to be pitied, I just want to be left alone."

For a moment, hurt flashed through Ema and she felt like she was going to cry, whatever Ari was - or was not - doing. But as she looked at her friend, the feelings left. "Okay," she said. "I guess I'd feel the same."

She looked at Jamie and Ronnie and the three of them left together.

* * *

Ari stayed, sitting on her bed, long after the others had left the dormitory. She felt numb inside, and tried to bring some emotions - anything to relieve the terrible pain going on inside of her.

She knew that Ema was surprised she hadn't been crying. It wasn't like that at all, she thought. She wanted to cry, she needed to cry. But she couldn't. Emotions welled up inside her and burst before they could turn to tears.

There had to be something she could do to relieve her pain...there had to be. But she didn't understand what she was feeling, so she could not think of a way to stop feeling it...She fell back on her pillows and wished she could fall through them and never feel again.

* * *

For Ari, life seemed to have taken a curve - no, a nose-dive - down. It was the day of the first Quidditch match. All she could think about was that she could have had a baby brother, but she didn't. She hated life.

Her friends didn't talk about it. They tried to laugh and carry on as usual, but they couldn't. Not really. Ari noticed the looks they gave her, but didn't answer them. She had barely talked in almost a week. There was nothing to talk about anymore. Everything seemed to empty.

Every once in a while, Ema suggested, almost casually, that she go talk to Flitwick ... McGonagall ... even Snape. Ema insisted that Ari needed to talk, and that at the moment her friends weren't providing that important outlet for her.

Ari knew Ema was right, but that didn't make her feel any better about the idea of going to Flitwick. She didn't want anybody to know what had happened, even though she knew everyone would have noticed by now how sullen she was.

* * *

Walking with Ari out to the Quidditch field, Ema decided that their chances of winning were nil. She didn't blame Ari for her feelings, but it was clear that Ari's mind would be on practically anything but the game.

It had been a week since the letter had come. Ema still couldn't make out why Ari seemed so withdrawn. When Ema was upset, she cried. Or she pouted. Or she screamed and yelled and basically threw a full-out temper tantrum. Ari hadn't done any of the above. Other than a few dry sobs when the letter had first come, she showed no signs of grief, only a numb, pale exterior, which was clearly hiding a severely bruised interior.

* * *

As Ari kicked off for the beginning of the game, her mind suddenly filled with so many memories, she wished she could just plummet towards the ground and never think again. Instead, she forced herself to think of a song her mother sang to her when she was little.

It doesn't make a difference
But I'd still like you to know
I'm sorry that this happened,
I'm telling you so you can
Call on me, when you're feeling sad,
And call on me, when you feel real bad
You know I'm always here for you,
Always thinking of you
Always praying for you.

As she flew aimlessly around and around, she realized she hadn't heard that song in a really long time. She was surprised she still remembered it. In fact, she recognized that she had been so young when she had heard it that she hadn't understood what a sad song it was ... now she thought her mum had probably thought it up when her dad had left.

Ari flew in circles, forgetting that she was in a game, not hearing the noise of the crowd ... It doesn't make a difference. The game certainly didn't make a difference, her subconscious seemed to be telling her ... I'm sorry that this happened ... she hoped her mother was thinking of this song too. Because Ari was sorry that this had happened to her mother. Now she thought of it, her mum might be the last person who deserved something like this to happen.

There was a deafening cheer that shook Ari out of her thoughts. It took a few seconds for her to realize: the Hufflepuff Seeker had caught the Snitch. She hadn't even noticed.

* * *

Ema watched Ari with some concern. She could tell that Ari had only just realized what had happened. As she gazed up at the form of her friend, she saw Ari deliberately turn her broom and fly away.

"Ari!" she screamed.

She started to fly after her, but Professor Macdonald, the flying instructor and also the referee of the match, stopped her with a well placed impediment charm. "Don't you follow!" she scolded, flying level with Ema. "We'll send someone else along after her. We don't need two missing students."

As though students were like sheep. They were just all supposed to be there.

* * *

Jamie sat with Ema and Ronnie in the common room, waiting nervously for Ari. "You ... you don't think she got hurt ... or something, do you?" asked Ema who looked close to tears.

"No," said Ronnie, seeming to be trying to convince herself more than Ema.

"We should have done something," said Jamie, who was in tears. "I mean, now look what happened."

"Don't think like that, Jamie," said Ema. "You know she didn't want to talk. There's nothing wrong with us for respecting that."

"But now if something's happened."

"I don't want to hear it!" said Ema frantically. "I really don't, Jamie, let's not jump to conclusions, please!"

They lapsed into silence once more.

* * *

Ari sat in a tree on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest, looking at the ground and feeling ready to jump off the ledge. She was only about fifteen feet up, so she probably wouldn't get hurt, but she wanted to do something to relieve herself of the agony she was in, even though she still didn't understand what she was feeling. She guessed that she felt guilty that she had been so horrible to her mother at home...and sad, of course, about the baby...Maybe she even felt jealous of Jamie having a sister, plus two half sisters, when it now seemed to Ari she would never have one.

"Ari? That you?"

She looked down to see Hagrid staring up at her, his gray hair looking even messier than usual.

"Ah, it is yer," he said with a kind smile. "Gave us all a righ' good scare, you did. Come on down."

Ari dropped her broom to the ground and climbed down, slightly bemused. She had hardly ever spoken to Hagrid, yet he was speaking to her as though they were the best of friends.

"C'mon, yer must be freezin'," he said, shivering himself. "Le's get yer back up ter the castle."

Ari didn't have the strength to argue and allowed herself to be steered back to Hogwarts.

* * *

Ari wasn't clear how they got there, but suddenly they were standing outside Professor Flitwick's door. When Hagrid knocked, the door nearly fell over. When Flitwick opened it, the look of relief on his face nearly killed Ari. She had no idea how worried she had made everybody.

"I'm sorry," she muttered, so ashamed she couldn't meet Flitwick's eyes.

"Oh, not to worry, not to worry," said her professor squeakily, holding the door open for her. "Thank you Hagrid."

"Any time, Professor Flitwick, sir. See yer, Ari," said Hagrid, and stomped out.

"Now, Miss DeLingues. Would you care to tell me what is going on? You have looked extremely miserable for a long time now. Even Professor Snape has been worried, and when Professor Snape is worried, the rest of us certainly are. Though more for him than for you," he added with a small smile.

Ari smiled back reluctantly. "It's hard," she told him, a lump in her throat.

"I'm here to listen," was all he said.

Before she knew it, Ari had spilled out everything. How sad she was, how she couldn't show her emotions, how she had been considering suicide, how she just wanted to see her mum, how she felt like she had let Ravenclaw down.

Then, for the first time since the letter had come, Ari cried. She cried from deep within her heart, so that the grief she had felt for so long was eased slightly. These were tears of pure sorrow, unblemished by guilt or anger. Her tears fell like the rain, and brought comfort she had not been able to find in a week.

* * *

By the time Ari reappeared in the Common Room, Jamie and Ema were the only ones left. Ronnie had gone to bed with a stomachache half an hour before. When Ema saw Ari come through the portrait hole, Ema couldn't contain herself. She ran to her best friend and engulfed her in a hug so tight it must have nearly broken her ribs.

Ari hugged her back, crying again.

Jamie joined the hug. The three of them stood for a long time, tears mingling, laughs creating a chorus of music that could not have sounded more beautiful to their ears. Ema felt happier than she had in a long time. Yet the happiness was incomplete. There was a terrible sadness in her heart that she couldn't place. She pushed it aside. "Come on," she said. "Let's go to bed."

***

Even though the others had fallen asleep long ago, Ari lay awake, thinking. Though talking to Flitwick had helped her sort out many feelings, there were two that remained unsolved. There was nothing she could do to help the terrible sadness at losing her brother, but there was something she could do to make things alright with her mother.

Dear Mum,

I'm so sorry for the way I acted over the summer.

I really want to come home, please don't send me somewhere else.

Love,

Ari

***

The next morning was Sunday, and Ronnie was still asleep when the other three made their way downstairs. Jamie looked in relief at Ari. She was smiling at some joke that Ema had just made, and, when Ema lost her footing and fell down half a flight of stairs, Ari shrieked with laughter and ran down after her.

Jamie followed, smiling happily. It had been so hard the past week when she, Ema, and Ronnie could not think how to help Ari. But it seemed that Ari had found help herself, without them.

***

The day was the best Ari could remember since the previous school year. She no longer felt bitter towards her mother, or guilty about her actions over the summer. She even managed to forget her grief as Jamie and Ema lost their heads completely during breakfast and started fencing with their knives.

Later that day, they visited Hagrid for the first time since the previous winter, and played hide-and-go-seek in the corridors, thoroughly annoying Filch, and causing several older students to whisper about their immaturity.

***

On Monday, Alexa Parker read the letter that Ari had sent and burst into tears. She had been depressed for over a week now, and was starting to feel as though she could just crawl into a hole and never feel again. Now she was torn. She didn't know what she wanted.

Well, yes I do, she thought, I want my baby back. And she burst into tears again. Still sniffling, she picked up the phone and called her boyfriend.

When Tyler was over, everything was alright again. The baby hadn't died, Ari had never been angry with her, she had never been angry with herself. Tyler made her feel like nothing was her fault, like getting pregnant in the first place wasn't her fault, when, after he left, she realized everything was.

When Tyler came over, they sat on the couch for hours, sometimes talking, sometimes not. Tyler would put his arms around Alexa, and she would cry when she wanted to, and laugh when she wished it, and no one would say anything different. That day, Alexa showed Tyler the letter.

He smiled, but said nothing, and she felt as though everything were alright.

***

That night, when Ari went to bed, she fingered the picture of her and her mum at the ocean when she was five. For a little while, she cried quietly into her pillow, thinking of the song her mother had sung.

She fell into a peaceful sleep, full of happier dreams than she had had in months.

***

Alexa Parker lay in bed, crying herself to sleep, thinking of the song she had once sung Ari.

It doesn't make a difference
But I'll say it anyway
I'm sorry that this happened
Wish it wasn't this way, oh,
Call on me, when you're feeling sad
And call on me when you feel real bad
You know I'm always here for you
Always thinking of you
Always praying for you.
I'm sorry that you're hurting
And it doesn't help to say
That I'm sorry that this happened
Because nothing has changed.

And, though neither of them knew it, Alexa Parker and Ari DeLingues drifted off into a tearful sleep at the same time that night, thinking of the same song, and of each other, and the love between them deepened.

* * *

The next morning, Ari joked around with Ema all through breakfast, and Jamie gave Ema the answers to a part of the Charms assignment. Ronnie was still sick so the other three brought her cinnamon rolls in bed which she promptly threw up, causing all of them - including Ronnie - to say "ew!" together, and even laugh.

They were closer than they had ever been before. They could only hope it lasted.