The Only Thing Sirius Black Ever Feared

Only one thing scared Sirius Black. That thing was death. He was terrified of death. The very thought of it made him crumble inside. It wasn't only his own death that scared him. Losing his friends chilled his very bones. If he ever lost James, or Remus, or Peter, or Lily, or Harry . . . he didn't want to think about it at all.

But this was before the Halloween of 1981. That's when Sirius lost his whole world. James and Lily were killed by Lord Voldemort that night. Harry nearly was too, but the curse rebounded and caused Voldemort to disappear. Sirius - who was Harry's godfather and legal guardian according to James and Lily's wills - would never be able to see Harry again. Everyone thought that he ratted out James and Lily to Voldemort and his Death Eaters. But he didn't. Sirius knew who the real rat was. Peter Pettigrew - who was supposed to be their friend - betrayed them to Voldemort. Then he framed Sirius for his death and the death of twelve Muggles. Sirius did twelve years in Azkaban for the crimes he never committed. When he finally escaped the clutches of the dementors, caught Pettigrew, and proved to Harry that he was not a murderer, he had to go into hiding again. The night Pettigrew was caught was a full moon. Remus Lupin - who had forgotten to take his Wolfsbane potion - transformed into an uncontrolled werewolf. Sirius would have been able to handle it, but there were three children there. He had to protect Harry, Ron, and Hermione by becoming his Animagus form of a grim (a large black dog). Pettigrew - who was unwatched, transformed into his Animagus form of a rat and scurried off. No one could prove that Sirius was innocent, so Harry and Hermione helped him escape with Buckbeak the hippogriff. Sirius had been in hiding ever since.

The only joy in his life now was Harry. Harry was everything to him. Sirius was so excited to have Harry at No. 12 Grimmauld Place over the summer and during Christmas break, even if it was because Arthur Weasley was nearly killed by a large snake. Harry happened to dream that, which got him and all the Weasley children out of Hogwarts a few days early. And Christmas break is - in fact - where we meet them.

Sirius was staring into the fire. He had been doing that a lot lately. He couldn't help thinking about James and Lily around Christmas. Sirius remembered spending Harry's first Christmas at Godric's Hollow with them.

"Sirius?"

Sirius looked up. It was Harry. He was always happy to see his smiling face - which didn't actually happen to be smiling at that point. "What's up Harry? You look like Buckbeak just tried to bite your hand off. Or maybe Kreacher did. I caught him gnawing on a chair leg yesterday."

Sirius laughed a little, but Harry didn't even smile. Sirius was immediately alarmed. Harry always laughed at his jokes. They didn't have to be funny, bcause Harry always laughed.

"Sirius, I don't want to go back." Harry flopped down in an armchair.

"Go back where? The Dursley's? You've got to Harry. You know you do. Dumbledore is in charge, and what he says goes at this point."

He frowned as he said that. He hated that Albus was always in charge of Harry. Hello! I'm his godfather; shouldn't I get to make the decisions?

"No, not the Dursley's. I don't want to go back to Hogwarts."

Sirius hadn't expected this. Harry loved Hogwarts, just as he and James did. Something had to be seriously wrong for Harry not to want to go back.

Sirius decided to act causal. This could be a poly of Voldemort's. No need to alarm the boy yet. "Why not?"

Sirius could tell that Harry knew that he was bluffing.

Harry bit his lip and muttered, "I hate Umbridge. And Malfoy. And Snape."

Sirius nearly laughed. Dolores Umbridge and Draco Malfoy weren't that bad. As for Severus Snape, Sirius didn't particularly like him. Snape hadn't exactly been the best friend Sirius ever had. In fact, Sirius would go as far as to say that he hated Severus Snape. Sirius understood Harry's dilemma, but couldn't help thinking that there was more coming. "Anything else?"

Harry seemed reluctant to say anything, but nodded. "I hate having these stupid dreams. I'm always afraid that I'm going to end up killing someone. I wanted to kill Dumbledore."

Sirius choked. "You what?" Geez, Padfoot, great way to hold in your shock.

"When ever I see him, I just have this immense hatred build up inside. It's like it's all I can do to keep from dinking my fangs into him."

Sirius tried effectively to hide his surprise. Voldemort is affecting him. I need to talk to Albus now. "Harry, did you just say fangs?"

Harry nodded again. "I know it's weird."

"So you don't want to go back because you're afraid that you'll hurt someone?"

Harry threw out another nod.

"Harry, Dumbledore let Remus into Hogwarts, remember? He's a werewolf. If you weren't safe, then he wouldn't let you come back."

Harry looked furious. He stood up and started yelling at Sirius. "IT'S NOT THE SAME!"

"Harry, don't yell, you'll wake my mum . . . "

"I DON'T CARE! LUPIN WASN'T POSSESSED BY VOLDEMORT! HE WASN'T AS DANGEROUS!"

"Harry, you're not possessed . . ."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? I COULD BE UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE, AND WE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW IT!"

"If you were under the Imperious Curse, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"HOW DO YOU . . ."

"Harry, SIT DOWN!"

Sirius had never yelled at Harry before. The kid was so shocked that he automatically sat down in the armchair.

"Harry, you are not under any sort of curse. You and Voldemort are connected some how. You see things that the doesn't want people to know. But, you can't always trust what you see. One day he might show you something that's not real, and then something terrible will happen. Don't believe any of it. Understand? He's going to figure it out."

"He probably did already."

"Yes, he probably did. He's going to show you something on purpose one day, Harry. You're going to have to decide if it's real or not. It's going to be something to get you to go somewhere and do something that you shouldn't. Some people may be able to help you decide if what you see is true. Like Ron and Hermione. Or even Snape. Listen to them, Harry. They may be right. Understand?"

"Yeah. How will I be able to tell if it's fake?"

"If it feels wrong to you, it most likely is. Trust your judgment and that of your friends."

"Sure, okay."

"Good. Sorry I yelled. Trust me, it was like I was watching someone else yell at you."

"That's okay. I'm sorry for yelling too."

"It's good for you to yell. You never had parents to yell at. I'm their sub. When you yell at me, you're really yelling at James and Lily. Now get out of here."

Harry laughed and left the room.

Sirius smiled. Harry was always told that he was like James in every way. What he was never told was that he was like his mum too. She was just as headstrong as Harry is.

Sirius took out his wand and performed the spell that would take his Patronus to Albus Dumbledore. He told him what Harry was feeling. He also told him that he was worried about him. He hated doing this. He wanted to be fully in charge of Harry. He wanted him to live here with him, not at a place where the Muggles hate him.

Sirius got up and walked to his bedroom. He just needed to get one of his old school books for Hermione. All that kid ever does is read. As he looked for it under his bed, he came across an old bag that he used to wear to school. Did Remus and I miss this when we cleaned up here? He warily looked inside it. It had the school book he was looking for - Standard Book of Spells: Grade Six - as well some old prank material form his school days (Fred and George will love these), a few other books, his Arithmancy notes from sixth year (These were brilliant! I was the note king!), and an old photograph. He gasped. It was untouched. All of Sirius photographs from Hogwarts had been bewitched by his family to act crudely, so he and Remus burned them. But this one looked as though it had never left this bag. It was taken in front of the Shrieking Shack in Hogsmeade on a winter day. He and James were throwing snowballs at Remus and Peter. Lily was hiding behind a tree throwing snowballs at James and Sirius. They were having a great time. The figures waved at him and then continued their snowball fight, unaware of what would happen to them in a few years. Sirius choked up and cried. Death had taken all of his happiness from him. How cruel fate was! Why did it not allow them to go on forever in bliss as they did in this photograph? Why did he have to lose all that was dear to him in one fatal flick of a wand?

Sirius dried up his eyes and went to his desk. He rummaged around a bit until he found an old frame. It had once been engraved with the Slytherin crest, but Sirius had changed it to the Gryffindor crest in his second year. Now he took out his wand and wrote

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs, and Lily

A Christmas in Hogsmeade

on it. He then slipped the photograph inside of it. Sirius grabbed the book and the frame and ran down the stairs as someone rang the doorbell.

"I TOLD THEM NOT TO RING THE BELL!" Sirius shouted over the screams of his mother's portrait.

He and Remus grabbed the curtains covering it and pulled them closed. It took a lot of effort, and by the time they were done, Sirius had forgotten all about the picture and the book.

"Who rang?" he asked.

"Snape." Remus was always quick on answers. He was the smartest in their year, which never ceased to amaze Sirius. He often wondered how someone so smart could get mixed up with the likes of him and James.

Sirius grumbled and bent over to pick up the book and frame. Remus was just starting to walk up the stairs when Sirius remembered why he came down here in the first place. "Remus! Hey Remus, wait!"

Remus Lupin looked down at him. "What do you want Sirius? You know it was a full moon last night. I need some rest."

"Remus, I found something in my room that I wanted to show you. But, if you'd rather get some sleep . . ."

Remus was down the stairs faster than you could say Filibuster's Fabulous No-Heat Wet-Start Fireworks. "What'd you find? More weird family heirlooms?" Remus loved looking at the Ancient and Most Full of Themselves House of Black's dark artifacts.

"Nope. Just an old photo of us."

Remus sighed. He thought that this was another one of the ones Sirius's family had fooled with. "Let's see the damage." Sirius handed him the frame and Remus gasped. Then he laughed. "I remember this!"

Sirius nodded. "It was Christmas, sixth year."

"Yeah, just after the full moon! Hagrid took this, right?"

"I think so. That'd explain why it's an over view."

They laughed.

"We should show this to Harry," Remus commented. "He'd love it."

Sirius loved that idea. Harry's aunt and uncle didn't exactly keep pictures of Harry's parents. In fact, they didn't try at all.

Just then, Molly Weasley walked in. "It is suppertime, lads. In the dining room, now. Come on, you can show that to the kids later."

Sirius and Remus put the photo on the table and followed Molly into the dining room. Soon everyone was seated before a fabulous meal made by Molly, Hermione, and Ginny.

"Sirius, did you find that book?" Hermione asked anxiously through her corn and peas.

"Yup. Let me get it." He pulled out his wand and shouted, "Accio book and photograph!" The Standard Book of Spells: Grade Six and the photograph came whizzing into the dining room and landed on the table in front of Sirius, splattering potatoes everywhere. "Sorry, Molly, I'll get that." He flicked his wand, and the potatoes disappeared. "There you are Hermione. Study next year's work to your heart's content." He floated the book over to her with a bow.

Hermione grinned but did not open the book. Molly had told her not to, and she already had enough things on her mind.

"What's with the photo?" Ron asked. He was always very direct.

"I found it upstairs. I thought that you guys would like a look at it." He handed it to Harry.

"It's my mum and dad! And you and Remus! Ugh, it's Wormtail. Wow! Where'd you get this?"

"Upstairs." Sirius loved that Harry liked the picture. He laughed along with the rest as Lupin told the story behind it.

He suddenly realized that he should've taken his own philosophies to heart. The ones who love us never truly leave us. They will always be found in here. As he remembered that comment he made to Harry in his third year, he placed a hand over his heart. They'll always be in my heart and me in Harry's. He realized now that - whenever death catches him - he'll be ready for it. Death was no longer the only thing Sirius Black ever feared.