Can't I Like Girls Too?

Can't I Like Girls Too?

"Do you miss him, Remus?" asked Tonks one day - completely out of the blue, while they sat drinking coffee in the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place, chatting idly about other members of the Order.

Remus started. His face took on a guarded look. "What do you mean?" he asked, his manner defensive.

She tilted her head to one side as if to give him careful consideration. "I didn't know whether it would be tactful to bring it up, but since you mentioned him just now ... well, from what I heard ... weren't you two at one time ... you know ..."

Remus interrupted her before she could go into detail. He had absolutely no idea what she might choose to say, but it seemed like a pretty good bet that it would be something that would embarrass him. "Together? In love? Or did you just mean ... shagging?" He rolled his eyes in resignation. "Yes, yes, and yes, if you really want to know, Nymphadora. We were all of those things, once."

Tonks winced. If he was calling her by her first name, she had to have touched a nerve. But she decided to press on regardless. After all, it wasn't as if she managed to get him talking about personal matters every day of the week.

"Once? A long time ago, you mean? But ..."

He sighed. "And again more recently, yes. But ... that wasn't as serious as you seem to think, though."

"No?" she said pointedly, watching his face.

He gazed at her in exasperation. Everyone and their Crup seemed to be asking him those same bloody questions. He hesitated; Tonks could be annoyingly inquisitive, but she was undoubtedly easy to talk to and be with. And rather easy on the eye, too, he thought, although unfortunately that wasn't really relevant. Especially as she was Sirius' little cousin ... "No. Look ... I'll admit it was a very intense - and yes, very physical - relationship at one time, when we were both still young men at Hogwarts, and even immediately afterwards when we were both in the Order together. But we were sort of drifting apart anyway, and then ... well, it's hard to trust a werewolf when most of them are on Voldemort's side, isn't it?" There was a trace of bitterness in his voice.

"Not necessarily, if you get to know him," she replied, looking him right in the eyes. He flushed slightly and looked away. Tonks suppressed a smile; it was always so delightfully easy to get a reaction from him when she did that. She realised, with a definite quickening of interest, that she'd been wondering if there might be anything more to it ... She remembered Sirius saying jokingly that he always suspected Remus of being a werewolf who could wag his tail both ways ... "But you drifted back together again, didn't you?" she probed.

Remus found himself unable to meet her eye, which annoyed him no end. "Yes ... when it all started up again, all the old crowd back together. I suppose it felt like old times for a little while. I'm sure he wanted to make it up to me for being suspicious. But it ... well, it just wasn't the same, Tonks, to be honest. Too much time had gone past. Too much past, even if we did still fancy each other."

"Well, I can't blame anyone for fancying a good looking bloke," observed Tonks in a judicious manner. "I fancied him myself."

Remus actually gaped at her. "You fancied him? But you couldn't have done, you're ..."

"Hey, why not?" she said defensively, heading him off before he could make the obvious - and annoying - remark that she was sure was about to cross his lips. Which was indeed a thought in itself, of course ... She grinned at him mischievously. "I reckon it was the long thick hair that did it for me. I'm a bit of a hair person, you know."

Remus found himself grinning back, against his better judgement. "I've noticed. But even so ..."

"Look, does it matter now?" She shook herself. "How do you think Azkaban affected him?" she added in a quiet voice. "I only ever saw him a few times before they locked him up, but the man I saw afterwards always seemed - haunted is the best way I can describe it. Most of the people we see who come out of there are. I found it hard to take, and I wasn't even the one it was affecting."

Remus scowled. "Let's face it, Dementors sucking at your thoughts all day every day would be enough to drive anyone out of their mind, even someone who was fully in control of it before they went in. And yes, he eventually found ways to handle it, and yes it could have been worse, but when he got out ... well, it was like something important had left him. I'm not sure what." He paused for a moment, his face hardening. "I really despise Dementors, did you know, Tonks? Foulest things on the planet, true dark creatures. I wish the Ministry had never come to an agreement with them, even if I can see the logic of stopping them from roaming freely. I suppose its just that I've seen too many people affected by them."

"I can understand that," said Tonks, her face hardening in turn. "Sirius ... well, even as a dog he never got that much respite, did he? And Harry ... well, I remember what you told me once. They're his worst nightmare, aren't they?"

"Yes. And it isn't as if the poor kid doesn't have plenty to choose from. A lot of what's happened to him has been no joke. And then ..." He looked up. "You know, saying that, it's just struck me what it was that seemed to have left him. He'd lost most of his sense of humour. He'd always be joking and grinning and winking at you, it was part of who he was."

"Is that why it didn't work when he got out?" asked Tonks. She gave him a tentative smile. "I know you're quite a joker yourself when you want to be. I bet you wouldn't want to know some of the things I heard from Sirius about you."

He winced. "I bet I wouldn't either." He stared out of the kitchen window for a moment. "Actually, no, that wasn't it. I've no problem with people being depressed, in what are, let's face it, bloody depressing situations. But I don't think he was able to cope with it, or with me. The old fire simply wasn't there any more, however hard we tried to rekindle it. Oh, it never stopped us being good friends ... supporting each other when we were down ... but, well, just not as lovers. We couldn't make it work, however much time we spent together."

"I see. It must have been painful for you too, to see him like that."

He nodded, without even realising that he'd never usually admit to that. "It was, yes. And he was innocent of the charges they pinned on him, of course, that's what made it so particularly galling. Death Eaters fitting him up ... it happens too often."

Tonks hesitated, picking her words carefully. "What's it like for you now he's not around any more? I mean, I miss seeing him about the place too, and I didn't really even know him that well ... I suppose it can be hard to move on?"

"No. Honestly, no. It is tough, but ... well, to be brutally frank I'm used to losing people in all sorts of ways. I'm sorry if that sounds heartless, Tonks, but it's just something I've had to learn over the years to stay sane."

"You don't sound heartless, Remus," she said gently, catching his eyes again. "Just really, really hurt."

"Yes. Perhaps." He smiled, although she saw that it didn't reach his eyes. "Too old for my age. Well, sometimes I just feel too old full stop."

"Not in my opinion."

She saw him tense up and pull slightly back. "What's the matter, Remus?" she said lightly. "Never had a girl pay you a compliment before?"

"Of course I have," he said, slightly stung. "It's just ... well, a surprise coming from you, actually. It feels uncomfortable when it's obviously not serious."

Tonks raised her eyebrows slightly, and decided that she couldn't reasonably hope for a better cue than that. It was time to test her cousin's theory.

"Oh, I was being perfectly serious, Remus," she said softly; then she leaned forward, took his face in her hands, and kissed him, with far more apparent confidence than she really felt.

***

For a stunned moment or two, Remus couldn't quite believe what was happening; then he found himself responding to the kiss with fervour, almost with urgency, reaching across the table to pull her closer. It took several seconds of delightful intensity before a realisation of the sheer absurdity of what they were doing hit him and he pulled away.

"Tonks!" he half-shouted, with what he knew must be a fairly stupid look on his face. "What are you doing?"

She grinned at him, a lot more confident now that her experiment had worked. "Come on Remus, you must know what a kiss is by now."

"But ..." he spluttered. "Tonks, this is insane, you can't possibly want me ..."

"Why not? Because you're too old, perhaps? Don't be daft."

"No - well, I am, but quite apart from that ..."

"Too poor, maybe? Well, it's a wrench to give up my dreams of being a kept woman, obviously, but I think I can manage pretty well on an Auror's salary."

"Being poor doesn't help, no, but ..."

"Wait, don't tell me, let me guess. Because you want to tell me you turn into a dangerous creature at the full moon and I might get hurt?" She looked at him with wonderment. "Remus, I already know you do. And I know you do everything possible to avoid hurting people. But even if the worst came to the worst" - she held up a hand to forestall him - "I'm trained to deal with the situation. Look ..." Tonks hesitated again; the recent turn of events had been rather unexpected, but damn if it hadn't felt right. "Look, no joke ... if you'd be prepared to take a chance and risk being with me, I'm certainly prepared to take a chance and risk being with you. We've always really liked each other, haven't we? And I think what just happened shows pretty damn clearly that we'd both like to try it."

He stared at her with a kind of hopeful disbelief. He swallowed. "All right, yes. Yes, you're right. I would. But I don't think those are problems to just Vanish away, either. Because really, I am too old, and too poor, and too dangerous, but apart from that, because, well, there's the fact that ..."

"I'm Sirius' cousin? What, that feels creepy to you, or something? Because don't let it, it's not like we were ever close before or anything. As I always tell people, he was in Azkaban half my life and before that our families never met!"

"Well, I can cope with that, but ..."

"Now what? Er - you're too flagrantly homosexual?" she said jokingly. "Because ..."

"No, because you are!" he exploded.

He had to admit, she took it with real aplomb.

"Am I, Remus? Wouldn't you say you have evidence to suggest otherwise?" She waggled her eyebrows at him in a teasing manner.

He bit back his first instinctive, impatient remark.

"Look," he said carefully, anxious not to say the wrong thing and spoil an unexpectedly promising development. "I didn't know whether it would be tactful to bring it up, but ... well, the gossip in the Order is that you and Hestia Jones ... weren't you two ... you know ..."

"Shagging like mad?"

"Yes!" He couldn't decide whether to be embarrassed or impressed by her disconcerting frankness on the point.

"Yes, we were," she said seriously. "But that's over now, Remus. I don't cheat on people."

"But then ... why me, why ... well, a man, if you were having an affair with her?"

"Why not? Can't I like girls too?"

He shrugged helplessly. "I suppose so ... it's just a surprise, that's all."

"Good." She leaned towards him. "Now then, Remus, before we do anything else, let's get this out of the way once and for all. Have you any other reasons why you think we shouldn't do this? Any of your past affairs that might be a problem? Anyone you're not over yet?"

He gave her a smile that he tried his best not to make wolfish. "I can't think of anyone," he said, drawing her close for a kiss that he had no intention of breaking off after a few seconds. As he slid his hands along her side, she reached up towards his head; well, maybe she really was a hair person ...

***

"Moony?"

Remus and Tonks jumped apart, startled, at the sudden interruption. Sirius was standing in the doorway; his evident surprise rapidly giving way to sheer glee.

"Um, Padfoot, I was, just, um ..."

"Taking advantage of my poor naïve little cousin, Moony? I'm shocked at you." This statement would have been considerably more convincing if he hadn't been grinning from ear to ear. "Glad to see you're getting over Sturgis, anyway, although I didn't expect to see either of you branching out like this ..."

"Why not?" said Remus defensively, his arm finding its way around Tonks' waist. "Can't I like girls too?"

"That's my line," said Tonks, grinning.

"Where is Sturgis, anyway?" asked Sirius, giving her a look - or rather a Look. "I haven't seen him around much since he got out. I thought he could bring me up to date on how things are in dear old Azkaban." Bitterness crept into his voice.

"Dumbledore sent him to France," said Remus apologetically. "He speaks the language, you know, so he's liaising with Madame Maxime." He didn't think it tactful to mention that Dumbledore had done so because he thought the change of scene might help restore Sturgis Podmore to effectiveness as a member of the Order after his hard time in Azkaban, but he was sure his old friend would deduce this immediately.

Sure enough, Sirius scowled. "I wish I could get out of this blasted place. I hate it when my friends and family have to go out and fight the war for me."

Tonks detached herself from Remus, walked over to Sirius, who was showing every sign of being a man who wanted to stalk out of the kitchen moodily, grabbed his robes and shook him. "We don't. We go out and fight it for you. So you won't have to stay in here and suffer, cos."

He gave her a twisted smile. "Thank you, little cousin. Just so as you know; I'll put up with what Dumbledore asks, as long as Harry's not in danger. If he is, I'm going to help come what may. Agreed?"

Tonks and Remus exchanged first glances, then nods. "Agreed."

"I would never ask you not to, Padfoot," added Remus quietly.

His twisted smile widened. "Thanks, Moony. Glad to see the future of the Black line is in" - it became a grin - "good hands. At least, from what I could see when I came in." He left the kitchen, chuckling loudly.

Tonks turned round. "Where were we ..." She caught sight of Remus' expression, and her face fell. "Oh look Remus, don't take my idiot cousin seriously! I'm not already planning what we name our first multicoloured werewolf cub!"

Remus once again found himself grinning despite himself. "That's good to know. Look, what ... just what do you actually want from this, Tonks?"

She shrugged. "At the moment? Just you, Remus. I like you a lot. Really, a lot a lot. I'm not saying I'm in love with you or anything, but I'd really like to explore the possibilities and see where it takes us. Deal?"

Remus stared at her. He could see a lot of possibilities, ranging from the very good to the very bad, and couldn't help but feel that he was too old, too poor and ... well, all the rest of it, but right now the idea was looking really, really good. He wasn't sure what he was getting into, but ... He took a deep breath.

"Deal."

She reached up to kiss him again, then with a grin simply concentrated for a moment and gave herself an extra few inches of height to bring herself level with his lips. He grinned back.

"Well, I always did rather like leggy girls," he said, in as deadpan a manner as he could manage with her this close to him. "I might just have to fall in love with you now. Should I tell you that?"

"No problem, Remus," said Tonks. "If I ever do fall in love with you, I'll probably tell you at least a million times ..."