A Love Story

A Love Story

Starring:

Draco Malfoy as Draco Malfoy

and

Harry Potter as Harry Potter

Act I

In Which Harry and Draco Are Still Pretending to Hate Each Other

Setting: Quidditch Pitch after The Big Match

Draco: I hate you, Potter, and I hate your friends too, especially that filthy Mudblood, and of course Weasley because his family has no money.

Harry: Don't you ever make fun of my friends, Malfoy, or I'll knock you off your broom!

Draco: Um, that won't work right now. I'm on the ground.

Harry: Well, then, I'll knock you off your broom the next time I see you on it!

D: Scarface!

H: Ferret boy!

D: Your parents never loved you!

H: You're so mean! I'm telling McGonagall!

D: Yeah, well, I'm telling Snape! So there!

H: That doesn't matter; he can never get me in any real trouble because I'm Dumbledore's favorite and the last remaining hope of the Wizarding World against the forces of Voldemort.

D: You know, smugness doesn't suit you, Potter.

H: So what does suit me?

D: You look really sexy in Quidditch uniform.

H: What?

Act II

In Which Harry and Draco Confess their Undying Love for Each Other

Setting: Still on the Quidditch Pitch. They're alone now.

D: Harry, we should stop this pointless fighting. You know I never really hated you, I just had to act like I did to keep my tyrannical, truly evil father from figuring out the truth.

H: ::gasp:: You called me by my first name!

D: Harry, I'm sorry about all those times I made your life miserable. I never realized what I was doing. I feel so guilty!!!

H: ::gasp:: You called me by my first name again!!

D: Harry, I love you!

H: I always knew we were perfect together in spite of the fact that we've never shared any common interests except Quidditch and making each others' lives miserable! Oh, Draco! I love you too!

D: I promise I'll love you forever and ever until my father finds out and forces me to pretend to hate you again and break your heart, or until Pansy Parkinson gets jealous and does something really sneaky to draw my affections to her!

H: And I promise I'll love you forever and ever until I start worrying about Hermione and Ron's reactions or start getting angsty about my sudden discovery of my own homosexuality!

D: Harry, this is so wonderful! My life was miserable and lonely, filled with nothing but trying to please my father and keep up my grades and reputation, until I found you!

H: I always knew that something was missing from my life, that there was another piece of me somewhere that I had to find. Oh, Draco!

D: Hey, you know what it's time for?

H: No, what?

Act III

The Obligatory Gratuitous Sex Scene

D: Oh, Harry!!

H: Oh, Draco!!

D: Harry, you are so wonderful!

H: Draco, you are so talented with your tongue!!

D: Oh god Harry, yes!

(Pause)

H: For Merlin's sake, do something more useful with that hand!

D: Sorry, Harry, but your lightening-shaped scar is oddly magnetic, and for some reason I can't stop tracing it with my fingers. Wait, how's this?

H: Oh, yes, more, Draco, more!

D: Yes, Harry, yes!

H: Oh dear Merlin!!! Ron never did it that well!

(Awkward pause)

D: What?

H: Um, I mean, that was really great, Draco.

D: Oh.

Act IV

In Which The Romance is Brought To a Painful and Unexpected End

Setting: Astronomy Tower, the following night.

D: Wow, isn't it lucky for us that despite the fact that this tower is usually crammed with couples making out, tonight it is conveniently empty?

H: Yeah, I wonder about that sometimes. But I have something important to tell you, Draco.

D: What? Your godfather is going to marry my mother, creating the awkward realization that that would make us sort-of-brothers and therefore make our relationship akin to incest?

H: No.

D: Ron found out about us and is threatening to pound me to a bloody pulp or is refusing to talk to you ever again?

H: No.

D: You have a sudden desire to unload your entire angst-ridden past on my chest, thereby relieving the writer of the necessity of creating another gratuitous sex scene?

H: No.

D: Well, what is it?

H: I have contracted a deadly case of scurvy.

D: Scurvy? How on earth did you get that?

H: I don't know, my diet at Hogwarts always seemed pretty well-balanced to me. Maybe it was due to years of neglect and malnutrition at the hands of my clearly physically abusive aunt and uncle.

D: Wow, I never knew it could be fatal. Can't Madame Pomfrey heal you?

H: Well, perhaps she could, but that wouldn't be very dramatic and angsty, would it?

D: No, I suppose not.

H: Okay, then, I'm going to die now. ::Swoons to the floor and dies dramatically::

D: Oh shit.

Act V

In Which Draco Whines About Losing His Boyfriend

D: Oh cruel, heartless world that does such horrible things to a young heart in love! My life is so miserable! I mean, he gave me such good sex! It's unnaturally hard to find a willing bottom in a wizarding school. How can I survive? He was the only thing that kept me going, he was. . .

Author: Okay, Malfoy, quit whining. We're sick of hearing you act like a spineless infant just because The Boy Who Lived has become The Boy Who Defeated Voldemort Three Times Only to Die of Scurvy.

D: But this is my longest speech in the play! You never let me say anything! I think you're prejudiced against Slytherins! I think you're prejudiced against homosexuals! I think --

Author: Shut up or I'll conveniently end this act with you catching scurvy and dying alongside Harry. It would be quite romantic.

D: ::grumbles:: Fine. But what do I do now?

Author: Well, now that Harry is dead, it becomes your duty to sing his praises to the reader and make him sound much more wonderful than he was in real life.

D: That's it? That's my life now?

A: Yes, go on. Start singing his praises. Maybe I'll let you have a little angsty reflection after two verses.

D: I don't think much of this, actually. Better just kill me off with scurvy, too.

A: Drat. Very well, then. Stubborn, ungrateful characters.

D: Oh, I am dying! I have contracted scurvy from my boyfriend's corpse! This is truly tragic!! ::Dies::

A: What's tragic is I suspect this isn't the last I've heard from either of them.