So Close

Anyone walking along the well manicured lawns of Privet Drive this evening would have no idea how close the world was to losing their hope to stop the upcoming war. A dark haired boy sat alone in his room going through the same motions as he had most every night since arriving home from school. As soon as it got dark, he opened the cage to let his companion, a snowy owl out to hunt. Each night, the owl had flown instead onto his knee, not wanting to leave the boy alone and yet each night, the boy forced the owl to fly off and hunt. Once the owl was out of sight, the boy went through what had become a routine, but each night before he finished the motions, his owl came back and refused to leave his shoulder. Even after the boy would lie down, the owl only moved onto the nightstand until the boy she was watching finally fell asleep. Only then did the owl actually leave long enough to quickly catch something to eat before returning to keep and eye on her friend. Most nights saw the same motions play out. The difference between the world still having a chance to win the war and having no chance at all was being decided by the love a pet had for her master. While most everyone slept, Hedwig seemed to know how close the wizarding world was to losing its only hope and how close she was to losing her companion.

Harry Potter woke up early, sleep being no comfort for him. He followed the same routine each day, not really thinking. First he would glance at the photograph in the album Hagrid had given him after his first year at Hogwarts. The picture was of his parent's wedding and also showed his godfather, Sirius Black. He would spend a few minutes watching the black and white people smile and wave up enthusiastically at him. Next he spent a few minutes stroking Hedwig while staring absent-mindedly out the window. Without having any good reason to, he would then take a shower each morning before going down and grabbing some breakfast before retreating to this room to eat.

His Aunt and Uncle, the Dursleys were treating him differently this year. After being threatened by Mad-Eye Moody, Remus Lupin and other members of the Order, the Dursleys hadn't said anything on the drive home. The few weeks since his return had been the same as well, no nasty comments, no threats, no anything. Aunt Petunia always had meals ready for him, but never called him when they were ready. He quickly fell into the routine and it fit his mood perfectly. The comfort he felt at having the members of the Order standing beside him was soon replaced by the realization of what had actually happened just a few weeks earlier.

As was expected of him, he sent the same note to the Order every three days.

Everything is fine.

Harry

Like last year, the notes from his friends had been short and cryptic. Even though he understood the need for this it didn't help his mood at all. He had realized that they were staying at 12 Grimmauld Place again this summer, but he didn't get much more information out of the notes. Hermione always included a comment, "Don't let everything get you down. It's going to be ok."

It only took a few of these before he quit opening the letters and sent a reply saying his Uncle was getting very upset with him receiving owls. "She has no idea what I feel," Harry thought. But as soon as he became angry at her, he quickly remembered that she was seriously hurt following him into danger for no reason at all. That changed the strong anger he had felt at her into even stronger anger at himself. This time, no one could truthfully say that his friends' injuries and Sirius' death wasn't his fault. Harry led five students into a trap where they were all hurt. It was pure luck that any of them made it out alive. Harry's best friends were nearly and his godfather was killed because he had; as Hermione put it 'A saving people thing.'

Harry alternated between hating everything to do with the wizarding world and hating the thought of not being a part of the magical community. Even though the best memories in his life had come after he found out he was a wizard, by far the worst memories were also bound to that world. His thoughts of his friends swung equally as far. Some moments he desperately wanted to be sitting around talking to them both, and the next moment he didn't want to be around them at all. He couldn't understand why they would want anything to do with him either. He had been the direct cause of so much pain for both of them that Harry couldn't comprehend how they could want to be around him anymore.

This particular day was hard on Harry for some reason. As had been happening every few nights, he was woken up by a terrifying vision of someone, or more often multiple people being tortured or killed. After the first couple times, Harry began recording the visions on parchment. He didn't know why for sure, but he felt compelled to do this. Harry told himself he deserved the pain of seeing these visions since he could have prevented them by learning Occlumency. Most times, this thought quickly turned to the memory that Professor Snape never did try to teach him anything. The only thing the Professor ever said was for him to clear his mind, never once telling Harry how to stop the mental intrusions. At these times, Harry didn't know who he hated more, Professor Snape or himself.

As was quite common since returning from school, the guilt and remorse quickly flared, and in one swift motion, Harry grabbed his wand and pictured what he wanted to do. The nightly routine had suddenly intruded into his daylight activities. He was in the right mood, the anger and guilt more than enough. "It would only take a second," he thought, "One spell and it would all be over." Closing his eyes, the decision had been made.

The instant his arm began to rise, Hedwig frantically flapped her wings and hooted loudly. Harry tried to take a deep breath and focus so he could continue but the flapping persisted and when Harry looked, he noticed a large owl waiting on the ledge outside his window. The distraction was sufficient to interrupt his motion and after slowly letting out his breath, he walked to the window and removed the letters from the owl. Before the strange owl could fly away, Hedwig began clicking her beak and giving small hoots. Harry noticed the other owl looking at her slightly cocking its head to one side. The other owl gave a few clicks before Hedwig flew out the widow and quickly disappeared.

Harry looked confused for a moment and then noticed the letters were from Hogwarts. 'Probably my O.W.L.s,' he thought. Looking back, he noticed the other owl still sitting near the window watching him closely. "Thank you for delivering these. You can go now," Harry said to the owl. However, the creature seemed to pay him no mind and didn't move at all. Harry shrugged and then threw the letters onto his desk, being in no mood to deal with the people running his life.

Picking up the photo album again, Harry sat at the edge of his bed and thumbed through the pages as he had done more this summer than in the other four summers since he received the album. He knew from memory which pictures where on which pages and could turn directly to the ones he thought would make him feel the best at any time. All he wanted right now was to look at the picture that showed his godfather. If he hadn't spent so much time crying during the past few weeks, he would surely be doing that now, but the tears would no longer come. He sat in silence, watching his godfather wave up at him wishing he could go back in time five weeks and change his decision to charge into the Department of Mysteries. It all seemed so clear at the time and now the results of his haste were painfully clear.

Looking up, Harry saw the delivery owl still looking at him with a cocked head. Instead of anger flaring again, he felt bad for being short with the creature before and got up, retrieved a treat and went over to the owl. "Sorry I was short with you," Harry said handing the treat to the owl who quickly took it from his fingers. Harry stroked the bird and said, "I haven't been very nice to anyone this summer." Harry continued softly stroking the bird for a few minutes, contemplating the simple pleasure he got from the softness of its feathers under his hand.

After a couple minutes, Harry glanced at the letters the owl delivered and now that his mood had mellowed out, his curiosity got the best of him and he opened the first letter.

Ordinary Wizarding Level test results for Harry James Potter

Divination: Poor

History of Magic: Poor

Astronomy: Acceptable

Herbology: Acceptable

Transfiguration: Theory Exceeds Expectations

Transfiguration: Practical Exceeds Expectations

Potions: Theory Outstanding

Potions: Practical Exceeds Expectations

Care of Magical Creatures: Outstanding

Charms: Theory Exceeds Expectations

Charms: Practical Outstanding

Defense Against the Dark Arts: Theory Outstanding

Defense Against the Dark Arts: Practical Outstanding

'Exceeds Expectations and Outstanding in Potions?" Harry thought. He knew he felt more comfortable and confident taking the test without Professor Snape around but had really only hoped for an Acceptable. It really didn't matter because Harry never intended to take another class from Professor Snape. He knew there would be no way he could ever control his anger once the Professor started trying to humiliate him. Two months ago, receiving these O.W.L.s would have made him very happy, but as things are now they just added to his emotional confusion. He had wanted to pursue becoming an Auror but now with the Prophecy, what he wanted to do didn't seem to matter, other people always seemed to decide what he was supposed to do. Evidence to how widely Harry's mood swings were, reading this letter got him thinking about the future and not about the thing that had been so close to the surface lately.

Turning his attention to the second letter, Harry noticed it was about N.E.W.T. level classes.

Mr. Potter.

Based on the results of your O.W.L. exams, you have the option to begin N.E.W.T. level classes in the following disciplines; Transfiguration, Potions, Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts.

If your intention is still to pursue a career as an Auror, I would suggest you sign up for all four of those classes.

Please return this letter indicating your choices by August 15^th.

Professor McGonagall Head of Gryffindor House

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"Well, there goes my chance to be an Auror," Harry thought. There was no way he was taking Potions, no matter what. "I wonder if Potions is a real requirement?" Harry thought before shrugging his shoulders and turning to the third letter.

Harry,

I wondered if you were planning on continuing with the Defense group you and Miss Granger founded last year? I imagine Miss Granger would be interested in continuing if you agree and it could prove useful to you as well.

Please send your response back with your N.E.W.T. class selection.

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts

Harry knew his answer to this letter. He wasn't going to lead the group again. If he hadn't been the leader of the group last year, at least Neville, Ginny and Luna wouldn't have come with him to the Department of Mysteries. Ron and Hermione would still have probably come, but at least no one else would have been around. Quickly, Harry grabbed a quill and signed up for Transfiguration, Charms, and Defense. He also wrote a note back to Dumbledore.

Professor Dumbledore,

I don't really want to do anything with the Defense group this year. Looking back, it was probably a mistake to form it last year.

Harry Potter

Harry rolled up the two parchments and tied them back to the owl. The creature still made no move to fly away and continued looking at Harry strangely. Shaking his head, Harry sat on his bed thinking how bizarre it seemed to be thinking about which classes to take when he went from day to day not knowing if he would make it back to school or not. Some days he was sure that he wouldn't be back at Hogwarts this year, and some days he longed to be back playing seeker for Gryffindor.

The notes had started him thinking about Hogwarts and his friends. "I nearly got them killed for no reason," Harry thought. "How can they still want to be my friend?" They had all been in dangerous situations in previous years, but each of those times, there were real, valid reasons for the risks. This time there was no reason, they had blindly followed Harry into a trap. "They probably won't want to be around me much this year," he mumbled. Again, this caused very mixed emotions. On the one hand, he liked this idea since they would be placed in less danger if they weren't around much. On the other hand, they were his best friends and he didn't know how he would make it through a year without them around.

"Ah! This is driving me crazy!" he loudly exclaimed, causing the delivery owl to hoot and jump to the top of Hedwig's cage. "I wish I could just get this over with," he added, meaning that he wished he could just face Voldemort and let it end, one way or the other. Then, the fear over what that would mean for his friends hit him. He didn't fear for his own life, getting so close to taking it himself these days, but if the prophecy was true, and he was the only one who could defeat Voldemort for good, his death would cause the people he cared about to be placed in even more danger. These were the thoughts Harry tried to focus on. Even though the pressure of this responsibility weighed on him heavily, it did give him something other than his grief to deal with.

Grabbing one of the advanced Defense books that Lupin and Sirius gave him last year for Christmas, Harry fell back onto his bed and began re-reading the chapters, concentrating hard on understanding what each spell did and trying to understand when it could be useful.

A sudden sound interrupted Harry's reading. Looking up, he saw Hedwig land next to her cage and begin clicking her beak at the delivery owl, which responded, with many rapid clicks. The delivery owl quickly left and Hedwig, looking exhausted entered her cage, picked at her food and water and then looked at Harry with her large, brown eyes.

"Where'd you go girl?" Harry asked as he approached her cage to stroke her for a moment. Hedwig hooted softly and closed her eyes as Harry stroked the back of her head. "You be careful out there," Harry added, "I don't want anything to happen to you." The owl nipped his finger lightly and closed her eyes again.

Harry didn't realize he had been reading so long, as the sun was beginning to set. He decided to go downstairs to see if there was any supper left. As had been the case since he returned this summer, his relatives pretended not to see him come down the stairs so Harry moved quickly to the kitchen and found some leftovers still available. After eating a bit, Harry returned to his room and tried to keep his mind off of the things that would cause his sense of despair to well up again.