Survivor's Guilt: Moony's Tale

The last few weeks of that summer had been spent brushing fingertips and sharing secret smiles and stolen kisses when no one was looking. Of course James, not being stupid, cottoned on to the fact that something was up and confronted them in the week before the beginning of term, at what was possibly the dozenth time he had seen them jump guiltily apart as he entered a room. They had confessed and he had laughed and slapped them both on the back as if it were the best joke he had ever heard. But then he had sobered up and told them with heartfelt sincerity that he was really pleased for them. And then, unexpectedly, he had hugged them both.

However, the second they boarded the Hogwarts Express on September first and headed back to school, Remus had realised that it was going to be difficult to keep their secret surrounded by a few hundred nosy teenagers, and also that not everyone would be as understanding about their new bond as James. Of course Remus told Lily right away and she was every bit as pleased for him as James had been. She had squealed and hugged him and promised to try harder this year to get along with Sirius and even James if he would stop being such a git to Severus.

Peter had found out in short order as well though no one ever really officially told him. He was not stupid and when four boys share a room and two of them share a secret, well, before long they are all going to be in on it.

James was very good about knocking but Peter would forget sometimes. Not that they really got up to much at first. Kissing mostly, and maybe a little tentative groping but they never let things get out of control because they were self-conscious and jumpy about being walked in on. It would just be one of their friends most likely but that would still be embarrassing. And on the off-chance that someone else came for a visit one day ....

But as the first full moon of term approached Remus became decidedly less cautious. They had just come up from supper in the Great Hall on Remus's sixteenth birthday, and James was in the Gryffindor common room, "helping Pete with his homework," he had told them with a wink before shooing them upstairs. The two of them had been lying on Remus's bed as usual, kissing and touching until their faces were flushed and their breath came in gasps.

Remus broke their kiss. "Padfoot," he murmured.

"Hmmm?" replied Sirius, trailing his fingers across Remus's back under his shirt.

"I was just thinking --" he began slowly, planting a kiss on Sirius's forehead. "Tomorrow's Saturday. I thought maybe we could ask Prongs if we could borrow his Invisibility Cloak tonight and ... um ... go visit the Shrieking Shack." He raised his eyebrows hopefully.

A slow smile spread across Sirius's face. "All right," he said immediately. "Let's go ask him."

They had adjusted their clothing and run fingers through their hair to make themselves look more presentable and headed down to the common room. James and Peter were not the only ones there of course. There was a group of first years playing exploding snap in front of the fire and giggling frequently. Sirius had quietly taken James aside to make his request. And of course James had grinned and gone upstairs immediately for the object in question. Within ten minutes Remus and Sirius were on their way to the Hogwarts entrance hall.

The three-quarters-full moon hung in a cloudless sky, bathing Hogwarts in cool, blue light. It was warm for September and it was stifling under the Invisibility Cloak. Remus gripped Sirius's right hand in his left, sweaty fingers intertwined, and they held the cloak shut with their free hands. Remus could feel his heart pounding and wondered if Sirius could hear it or if Sirius felt half as nervous as he did. If the other boy's grip on his hand was any indication, he probably did.

What am I doing? Remus had wondered. He had not really thought about it until then. At least, not in anything but the most general way. He knew he liked being with Sirius and that it was hard to get any private time together without fear of being interrupted. Well, now they would have that chance and he found he was terrified.

When they reached the Whomping Willow, Sirius had ducked out from under the cloak, changing immediately to a lanky black dog. He was faster that way and could hit the secret knot to still the tree before it hit him, if he was lucky. Well, that time he had been lucky and Remus had followed him into the secret passage. They had hurried along the tunnel, impatient for ... What? Remus continued to wonder.

He knew about sex of course. He was not that innocent, he told himself. But he had always imagined it happening differently, and of course until recently he had thought it would be with a girl. He had never thought of it as something that would just happen one day. Somehow he had thought there would be some sort of planning or preparation or progression towards such a major life-event. But isn't that what we've been doing all along? he suddenly realised. Heading towards it?

And then he was scared. He was so young and he had never done anything like this before. But then he looked at Sirius a little ahead of him in the tunnel and he felt better. He was not alone in this. He had his good friend Sirius here with him. It would be all right.

They had finally arrived at the entrance to the Shrieking Shack. Remus had felt both as though they had been walking all night to get there and that they had arrived in no time at all.

Standing on the dusty, creaky floorboards, Sirius had turned to him and grinned. "We're alone," he had said unnecessarily, taking Remus's hands in his own. Then he looked into his eyes and his expression changed to one of concern. "Are you all right, Moony?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Remus replied, his voice unusually high. He cleared his throat. "I'm just ... a little nervous," he confessed with a shy smile.

"Me too," Sirius confided. "I've never ... I mean, I'd always hoped ... Moony, I wanted you to be my first." He blushed. "Happy birthday," he added with a nervous smile.

Remus looked at him, stunned. Surely Sirius -- at sixteen easily the best looking boy at Hogwarts with his tumble of black curls, his gray eyes, his full lips, his straight nose, his wonderful dusky skin -- surely he had done something with someone! But now that Remus thought about it, if Sirius had been involved with anyone to that degree at any time during their school career, he would have known about it.

"Sirius -- Padfoot -- I ... I ... I don't know what to say," he stammered.

"Then don't say anything," Sirius had told him and kissed him slowly, passionately, thoroughly. Then, wordlessly, eyes never leaving his, Sirius had taken both his hands and lead him into the bedroom.

Sirius sat down on the bed and began to take off his shirt. Remus could see the pulse leaping in his throat.

He put a hand on his arm to stop him. "Padfoot, we don't -- you don't have to do that."

Sirius gave him a tiny smile but Remus could see fear deep in his eyes. "I know I don't have to. But Moony, I do want to! God, I want this more than anything!"

"I know. So do I. But it doesn't have to be now," he said quickly. "We've got all night. There's no hurry."

Remus could see the fear go out of Sirius as he let out the breath he had been holding. Remus sat down on the bed next to him and put his arms around him. Sirius said something so quietly that he did not quite catch it.

"What was that?" he asked.

"I said, 'I'm sorry,'" Sirius replied. "I didn't expect -- I didn't think I'd be so damned scared," he said at last in a voice that sounded almost angry.

"Padfoot, it's all right. I'm scared too. Look, why don't we just lie down for a bit?"

And they had. For a while they had just lain together, arms around one another, Sirius's head resting on Remus's shoulder. But the nature of teenage boys tends towards desire, and before long their hands began moving slowly over one another's bodies, exploring, and their lips met again, nervously at first, then hungrily.

Neither of them had realised how the assurance of not being discovered would affect them, and they were both startled by their own boldness. It was only a few minutes before Sirius was lying on top of Remus, pressing against him and now fumbling impatiently with his shirt. Remus had helped him to wriggle out of it, and then Sirius had attacked the buttons of Remus's own shirt, accidentally popping one of them off in his eagerness.

As Sirius spread his shirt open, Remus pressed up against him. "Please, Sirius," he murmured. He was hard and aching with desire but he was not sure what exactly he wanted Sirius to do about it. But apparently Sirius had a good idea. Bare skin to bare skin, Sirius's lips left off their assault on his own and descended instead to his left ear, licking, nuzzling, nibbling, until Remus, much to his surprise and Sirius's pleasure, let out a moan, pressing more urgently against the boy on top of him.

As if that had been a signal, Sirius began to wriggle down Remus's body, still licking, kissing and biting as he went. Bewildered and helpless in his desire, Remus watched as Sirius settled himself between his legs with the grin Remus knew meant he was about to pull one of his most outrageous stunts. He gasped as he felt the dark-haired boy's hand move up his thigh and come to rest on the bulge in his trousers. Making an inarticulate noise in his throat, he pressed against Sirius's hand. Still grinning, Sirius began to unbutton him, exposing his dark blue pants.

Remus closed his eyes. He twitched when he felt Sirius's fingers brush his stomach and then shivered as they slid lower, into his pants. When they closed around him, he moaned again. It felt good. Better than good; it felt bloody amazing! The calloused fingers moved against his sensitive flesh in firm strokes.

He was so wrapped up in the sensation that he almost did not notice when Sirius urged him to raise his hips so he could slide his trousers and pants down over them. The cool air striking his flushed and damp skin was not as much a surprise to him as the sensation that had come next.

His eyes flew wide with shock and he stared incredulously at Sirius, lying between his legs, doing something indescribably wonderful with his mouth.

"Sirius!" he gasped, arching his back suddenly.

Sirius raised his head. "You like that?" he said in a low, teasing voice, shaking his curls against Remus's sensitive flesh.

The shock was wearing off quickly. "God, yes!" And then, "don't bloody stop! Oh, that feels good ...." His world had shrunk to a single point that was Sirius's hands on his thighs, Sirius's curls brushing his stomach, Sirius's hot mouth engulfing him, Sirius's tongue, moving, flicking, caressing.

It had not taken long. He had been sixteen, after all. Within seconds he was bucking his hips, his hands tangled in Sirius's dark, silken curls, and it was barely a minute later that he was tasting himself on Sirius's lips. It was all he could to to return the kiss. He felt as though his body had melted, or as if all his bones had been removed.

"I love you, Sirius," he had said then, eyes closed, as soon as he had remembered how to speak. He had said it almost without realising what he was saying.

Sirius was very still for a moment, not even breathing, then in a rough voice had said, "I love you, Remus Lupin."

And that was that; those few simple words had irrevocably sealed their fate. The bond forged between them that night in the Shrieking Shack had been permanent; obvious to anyone who saw them, though many misinterpreted its nature.

They had done many other things that night. There had been pain and even tears and there had been pleasure beyond anything either of them had imagined, and none of what they did had involved sleeping until nearly dawn. They had neither of them been virgins any longer when they sneaked back into the castle, sticky and disheveled, sometime after breakfast the next day. They had not been caught either, though Remus had always been privately of the opinion that even if they had been, that night would have been worth any punishment Filch could devise.

And now Remus stood staring at that same bed almost twenty years later, eyes unfocussed, the wolf already prowling his thoughts, his instincts already more animal than human. Where is he? Damn that man, will he not show himself?! Just remembering the events which had taken place in this room had brought him to a point of painful arousal. If Sirius were here now ... well, what he wanted to do with the man need not involve trust.

He sniffed the air. Yes, Sirius had been here recently. Unconsciously, he growled deep in his throat. His hand was in his pocket, clutching the little carved dog. He could summon Sirius with that lock of hair. He could do all manner of things to the man with it. He would get his wand out any second now and summon him, he decided. If only this damnable tingling in his neck would stop long enough for him to focus!

He fumbled for his wand but it dropped to the floor with a clatter. Dammit! Why were his hands so clumsy? Picking it up again, he took the little wooden dog from his pocket. He pointed the wand at the dog, and stood for a moment, holding one in each hand, trying to remember a spell, any spell. He shook his head, once, twice, trying to clear it.

And then he stood perfectly still. There it was. That sound. Footsteps. Footsteps on the creaking wooden floorboards of the rooms beneath this one. And another sniff of the air around him confirmed exactly who it was.

The wolf won out. Instinct took over and in a heartbeat Remus was out of the room and flying down the stairs, knocking Sirius to the floor and crouching over him, growling. For a moment he registered a flash of fear in Sirius's gray eyes and then he was looking into the pale eyes of the great black dog who was growling right back at him. And then he was Remus Lupin no more.