Survivor's Guilt: Moony's Tale

Feeling like a fugitive fleeing the scene of a crime, Remus made his guilty way down to the Whomping Willow through the gathering dark, every now and then glancing over his shoulder to see if anyone was watching. It was a foolish fear, really. All the windows of the castle were dark, save those of the Great Hall where even now those few professors and students who remained at Hogwarts over the holidays were gathering for their Christmas feast. Prodding the tree with a handy branch, he ducked beneath the bare, rustling branches and lowered himself into the hidden entrance of the secret passage.

It was pitch black in the tunnel but Remus did not need light to find his way. How many times had he traveled this path in his school days? How quickly it all came back to him. He ducked suddenly, remembering just in time a place where a large root grew down through the low ceiling. He had to walk bent almost double now. The passage had seemed bigger when he was a boy. But of course he had had that last growth spurt near the end of his seventh year which had made him almost a head taller than any of his friends.

It suddenly occurred to him that Sirius could be here in the tunnel and he stopped short, willing his heart to quiet its pounding so he could listen. No, he could not hear anything moving in the dark. Well, perhaps to be on the safe side he had better have some light. "Lumos," he whispered into the darkness, drawing his wand. The glow would light the passage to about ten metres ahead of him on the straight bits. He continued through the tunnel at a cautious pace.

The passage from the Whomping Willow to the Shrieking Shack was nearly a mile long and as Remus emerged at the far end he straightened painfully. He had a crick in his neck and an ache at the base of his spine. As he stretched, he paused to listen again. No, there was no sound of anyone or anything in the house.

Most people in the wizarding world, he knew, would be terrified to find themselves in this place. Its haunting was legend and even the boldest and most foolhardy of teenagers hesitated to approach even on a dare. It's silly of them really, Remus thought. After all, there are dozens of ghosts at Hogwarts and hardly anyone ever turns a hair. But it suited him just fine that people avoided this place because that made it one of the safest places in the world for him. He had always felt at ease here. Coming back almost felt like coming home.

At first it had only been his place, arranged by Dumbledore for his monthly transformations. But his friends had been clever boys and they had figured out his secret within a year. Weeks of pestering had caused him to finally agree to bring them down here. After that it had become their place as well. It was a place where they could all relax and be themselves, hide and plan mischief and, as they grew older, arrange romantic trysts.

It was here that his friends had first experimented with their Animagi shapes, before letting him in on the secret which had been a birthday surprise. Here where he had first voiced his feelings about Sirius to Lily. And here the bed where ....

The Remus of a few hours ago might have glanced away from the bed in guilt and shame at the thought, but it was as if he could feel the wolf rising in him, and now he stared thoughtfully at the large, dusty four-poster, remembering hungrily the scenes that had taken place there. Especially the first time.

In a way it had been a long time coming, and in a way it had happened quite suddenly. In the spring after fifteen-year-old Remus had seen what the Mirror of Erised had to show him, things had become awkward between himself and Sirius. He could feel himself withdrawing, becoming more thoughtful, often unable to meet Sirius's eyes. And he had noticed Sirius becoming more arrogant, standoffish and occasionally downright rude. He had hated how things were between them then, but was at a loss to know what to do about it. They had gone home that summer barely speaking to one another.

And then in July, James had sent Remus an owl telling him that Sirius had run away from home and had come to stay with the Potters for the rest of the summer. He had been glad to hear this, since the Potters lived closer to him than the Blacks did and were much more pleasant to visit. Also, Remus had spent most of June thinking about things and trying to decide what he should say to Sirius if he ever got the chance. They were friends after all, and good friends, and now that Sirius was away from the stresses of dealing with his family and school he might be more relaxed and open to what Remus had to say.

Not that Remus had been planning to proposition him, but he thought he might be able to bring the conversation around to the topic of certain feelings and see what he could find out about what his friend thought about ... certain things.

Well, the three of them had spent most of the rest of the summer together and Sirius did indeed seem friendlier and more relaxed but it still took Remus a few weeks to work up the courage, find the right conversation opener, and find a time to say what had to be said when James was not around to hear it.

At last he had invited Sirius to come stay with his own family for a week in August. The Potters had been planning a holiday in France, and while they said they would be delighted to have Sirius along, Remus desperately hoped he might consider the alternative of spending some quality bonding time with his fellow canine. Much to his surprise, Sirius had quickly accepted.

But Remus, being awkward and not-quite-sixteen, had fumbled the smooth, well-planned conversation he had gone over time and again in his head.

"Sirius," he had said one lazy, hot afternoon as the two of them were lounging in the grass on the bank of a river near his home, "what do you think about ... girls?"

Sirius's brow furrowed but he did not open his eyes. "They're all right, I suppose," he said at last. "That Evans girl is a bit stuck up, but she seems all right. James fancies her like anything."

Remus was not sure where to take the conversation from there and was so busy trying to think of what to say next that he failed to notice what an odd answer it was that Sirius had given to his question.

"Yeah, Lily's great," he agreed vaguely. "I can really talk to her about ... stuff. Y'know?"

Sirius nodded, eyes still closed.

"I mean," Remus pursued, "it's not that I don't think I can talk to you and Prongs. And Pete, of course. But Lily, well, she understands about ... stuff," he finished lamely. He stared very hard at a single blade of grass, willing himself not to sound like an idiot.

"Moony," said Sirius in an admonishing tone, finally opening one eye and fixing it on his friend, "have you got a crush on Evans? Because if you've been messing about with her, Prongs'd better not find out."

"No, no! Nothing like that," Remus replied quickly. Then after a moment's silence in which Sirius closed his eye again, he added, "but ... that's the kind of stuff she understands about. Crushes, I mean." He blushed furiously and continued staring hard at the blade of grass.

"Mmmm ..." said Sirius, frowning. "So you have got a crush on someone, Moony? Why didn't you say so? Need me to talk to her for you?"

Remus suddenly decided that there really was no smooth, casual way to find out or say the thing that was on his mind. Best to just out with it, then. He took a deep breath.

"Sirius ... no, I don't need you to ..." he gestured helplessly. "I ... it's not ... Sirius, it's not a girl I've got a crush on," he said at last in a rush.

Sirius's eyes popped open at that. He squinted at Remus down his long nose. There was a look of puzzlement in his eyes, and something else too, though Remus was not certain what.

"Have you got a crush on Prongs, Moony?! Is that why you're talking to Evans?" Sirius whistled softly. "James is so bloody popular! What is it about him?! People are always falling all over themselves to do things for him. Everyone's got a crush on him. You, Evans, Wormtail ...." Sirius sat up and ran his hands through his hair.

"No, Sirius --" Remus began.

"Moony, you're one of my best friends, so I will tell you this as gently as I can," Sirius looked like he might be on the verge of shouting, so Remus shut his mouth. "Prongs doesn't swing that way. You know he's all for Evans. I tried to tell Pete as well, but you know how he is -- in denial about it, as well. And I'm not getting involved in a three-way tug-o-war with you lot over my best friend. There are just some things that go beyond the bounds of friendship."

Sirius was looking at him, expecting some sort of response. Remus was stunned. Sirius was not at all bothered by the idea that he might be that way inclined. Maybe the next thing he had to say would not be so hard. But Sirius was still looking at him with those gray eyes under those straight, black brows.

"Sirius," he began softly, "Padfoot, I think you mistook my meaning." Suddenly, words failed him. All he could do was look pleadingly into Sirius's eyes. He laid a hand on the other boy's knee.

"Oh," said Sirius quietly, a look of sudden comprehension dawning in his eyes. "I see." It seemed forever that they sat like that, still and silent, gazing into one another's eyes, Remus's hand on Sirius's knee. Then Sirius looked away. Remus felt a deep disappointment well up inside him. He drew back his hand.

"Did I ever tell you," Sirius began, then cleared his throat. "Did I ever tell you about when we all became Animagi?" He glanced quickly back at Remus who shook his head, and then looked out over the river again. "It was my idea, to start with. I thought it must be fun, being able to be an animal once in a while. I know," he said quickly, though Remus had not been going to say anything.

"I was naive then," he continued. "I didn't realise how the transformations hurt you. I just thought it seemed like you were out having fun while we were all holed up in the castle. I wanted ..." he smiled a bit ruefully. "I wanted to come out and play with you, I guess. I got the idea when Hagrid had that litter of hellhound pups. Watching them play-fight and tumble over one another. I thought it would be fun to have litter mates -- to have a pack. I thought you'd like it, too." He blushed.

"So I started doing research into Animagi. It was complicated stuff. Advanced incantations, rare ingredients and lots of mental discipline. I eventually told Prongs what I was doing, and he agreed to help. Then Pete found out. Well, we spent those full moon nights for three years researching, preparing, gathering ingredients when you weren't there to see. I don't think I ever slept on the night of a full moon all that time. Prongs and Pete did, but I never did. It was like an obsession with me.

"I wanted to be out there with you, running by your side in the moonlight. And for the first couple of years, I never asked myself why I wanted it so much. But then one night, I got in late after detention, and you were sprawled out on your bed with open books and bits of parchment all around you, sound asleep, and I looked at you -- really looked -- and I knew."

The glimmer of hope inside Remus's chest had brightened. If Sirius was saying what it sounded like he was saying .... "What did you know, Padfoot?" he asked gently.

Sirius looked at him and smiled shyly. "I knew it wasn't pack mates I wanted. It wasn't running through the woods in the moonlight. It wasn't the prestige of being an Animagus. It was you, Moony," he said simply. He reached over and squeezed Remus's hand. "I wanted to go where you went and do the things you did because I didn't like being apart from you. Only I never had the courage to say anything."

Remus's chest felt tight, and his head swam as if he were not getting enough oxygen. He turned his fingers over and squeezed Sirius's hand. They both sat looking at their intertwined fingers as the sun began to set.

"When did you know?" Sirius asked presently.

Remus looked into the other boy's eyes and smiled. "This spring," he said. "Ever hear of the Mirror of Erised?" Sirius looked at him blankly. "Never mind," said Remus. "It's not important." After a moment he added, "Padfoot?"

"Hmmm?" inquired Sirius, once again looking out over the river at the sunset, this time thoughtfully.

"Would you mind -- I mean, would it be all right -- Can I kiss you?" He blushed deep crimson at the awkwardness of the question.

Sirius said nothing but turned to look at him again. Then, very slowly, he leaned towards him. Remus closed his eyes as their lips met; soft, boyish mouth to soft, boyish mouth. They were both awkward and their teeth clicked together but they did not stop. Tentatively, they tasted and explored one another for the first time. Sirius tasted like that Muggle cigarette he had been trying to smoke earlier, which was odd but not entirely unpleasant.

It was long moments before they had finally drawn back from one another, blushing and grinning, their hands still clasped together. "Let's not tell Prongs just yet," Remus had said. And Sirius had nodded, a wicked, conspiratorial smile on his swollen lips.