Everything You Are

Chapter Sixteen:

He sighed. "Sirena, I'm going to be honest with you. You know as well as I do that you're not... WE'RE not dealing with any ordinary memory charm. I don't know if there's anything that can be done. Merlin himself wouldn't have been able to do a thing without knowing exactly how the spells were formed, who they were formed by, and what the balance of power was," said Severus, trying to conciliate her as imperceptibly as possible.

"Severus, I know enough to know that those things CAN be found out."

"Love, are you CERTAIN that it was your father that walked into the room third? And who was the other person? You can't be sure, can you?" he said, continuing his attempts to appease her.

She was quiet for a few moments. "With all of the ridiculously unnecessary, absolutely foolish, and downright STUPID magic we have at our disposal, you would think... you'd be foolish NOT to think..."

"Shhh... shhh," he hushed her, stroking her hair. "I know it doesn't make sense..."

"It's not fair," she said simply. "It's not fair and I'm going to change it."

"You can't fix everything, Sirena..."

"But this, I have to," she mumbled. "You don't understand, Severus. I need this. It's killing me."

"Maybe," he sighed, kissing her head, "just maybe, there's a reason you don't know it all. Maybe it's better you don't remember."

"I wanna know all of it or none of it," she said. "If I could get rid of what I know now forever and forget it all happened, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I can't. It's taken three years to get this far and I'm positive I can't wait another three. I refuse to."

Severus sighed. "Let it never be said that you're not the most determined person I know."

"I believe the more common term is 'stubborn bitch,' Severus," she mumbled, squeezing his hand.

"No one would dare..."

"Not to my face, no, but tell me there aren't people who call Voldemort a downright stupid bastard behind his back?"

"Maybe YOU do," Severus said, "but YOU don't have to answer to him..."

"Often."

Severus arched an eyebrow. "Pardon?"

"Well, you can't expect us to get along perfectly, now can you?" she said dismissively. "We get into power struggles every so often."

'"And you're still... I mean, he hasn't..." he stumbled over his words.

She smiled, but only the ghost of the smiles he'd seen before. "Come on, Severus. Have a little faith. I wouldn't be here if I didn't beat at least half of the time."

He nodded and took both of her hands in his, stroking her thumbs with his own. He leaned in and kissed her neck softly. "But what happens to the loser?" he whispered worriedly, not sure he wanted to know.

Sirena shifted to face him and kissed his cheek, "Don't you worry yourself about that."

Severus' eyes drilled into hers with a penetrating look, filled with a passion that said he was, in fact, worried.

"There's no need for it, Severus," she said, stroking his cheek with the backs of her fingers. "I'm used to it, by now. I know how to handle myself."

'Obviously not...' he thought, but knew better than to say. "I'm just wondering what it is you've had to get used to."

She sighed. "It ranges, depending on how severe the argument is, just like any other fight between friends and colleagues." Severus cringed at the idea of Voldemort as a friend, but said nothing as she continued. "It's usually nothing more than a cruciatus shot one way or the other and that'll the end of it."

"You talk about cruciatus as if it's nothing," he said, slightly taken aback. 'Turn her in. She'll curse you without hesitation. She wants to KILL Dumbledore...'

Sirena shivered. She was silent for a moment before speaking again. "There are worse things than even the purest of physical tortures." She closed her eyes tiredly and burrowed into his arms.

'...only because he hurt her first. She's just a child. She doesn't deserve this. Protect her.'

Severus kissed her face; her eyelids, her cheeks, forehead, and chin. "Why would anyone do something like that to you? How could anyone want to hurt you?" he murmured, pouring over her.

She tensed again, opening her eyes. Her voice cut through his words. "I earn it," she said. He stopped in his tracks. "Severus, I am no victim. I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are going to have to understand that I bring a lot of this on myself, and nine times out of ten, I do it with good reason. I am the Dark Lady and, as such, I have responsibilities," she said, looking straight into his eyes. "Some of which I am gravely neglecting right about now." A small smile formed on her face, though still slightly apparitional. "You know, you make it very difficult for me to stay strong in situations like this."

"Aye... you have a tendency to make me conveniently forget things as well, love," he said softly. '... like the fact that you're fifteen, for instance... or the fact that I'm obligated to rat you out to Dumbledore...or...'

Sirena nodded sleepily, resting her head on his shoulder. She brushed her lips over his neck. She felt his pulse beneath her lips and let out a small whine of a noise, forcing herself to pull back. "I should go. I have class in the morning."

"As do I, Sirena, though we still haven't figured out what to do about these dilemmas."

She yawned, wrinkling her nose in a way that made Severus smile in amusement. "I'm going to see what my mom's family has to say when I talk to them..."

"And Sirius?"

"And Sirius."

Severus sighed and nodded. "I would tell you to do it in here with this fireplace, but it would be odd to..."

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure you don't want Siri in your private rooms in any way shape or form. It's perfectly understandable. If you can cover for me, I can take care of it at the Shrieking Shack." She slid off his lap with another squeeze of his hand and stood up.

He rose with her. "I suppose I should let you go so that I don't arouse any... suspicions. "

She smirked at his word choice and placed one hand on his shoulder, leaning up to kiss him. "That's probably a good idea. After all, we DO want to keep any students from getting all... hot and bothered."

"Oh, you're a mischievous one, you are..." he flirted, surprising even himself. 'Did I really just say that?' he questioned briefly, before hugging her and finally letting her go. "Take care, Sirena."

"Goodnight Severus."

* * * * *

Severus sat down in the chair again after she'd left, hoping to find that the warmth of her body next to his had stayed. Finding that, as he'd suspected, the traces of her being there were gone, he stood again, but smiled when he spotted a few long strawberry blonde hairs clinging to his robes. He gingerly pulled them off and stalked off to his bathroom. He the scalding hot bathwater and removed his robes.

Before he put the robes down, he caught a scent that was not his own. He inhaled again, bringing the robes to his face, and let out an involuntary sigh when he realized it washers. He breathed in the smelled of honeyed vanilla and strawberries. Rather than leaving the robe on the countertop for the house elves to pick up, he refolded it and put it by his pillow before getting into the tub.

He leaned back, his nostrils still filled with her aroma. He sunk under the water, wetting his hair and trying to clear his mind a bit.

'You're in over your head ion more ways than one, Severus'

'She's no good... she'll only be trouble. Do you really need that?'

'She's TOO good. Too innocent. Too young. Are you really willing to corrupt that for your own sick pleasure?'

'She's corrupted herself. She's the DARK LADY. She kills and tortures for FUN.'

'But does she really? There HAVE been fewer muggle torturings lately, thanks to her I'm sure,. She's really only trying to get vengeance on someone who hurt her...'

'She wants to KILL Dumbledore!'

'Dumbledore wants to KILL HER!'

'I can't let Dumbledore hurt her.'

'I can't let HER hurt DUMBLEDORE.'

'He can protect himself...'

'She...'

"She can't," he said aloud, coming up for air. He shook his head and wiped his hand over his face, pushing the excess water from his face. He mumbled, bewilderedly. "She really, truly can't..."

* * * * *

Sirena threw herself into the shower, water running freezing cold. She could have sworn she was hit with a few chips of ice. She gritted her teeth as her hand gripped at the solid sterling silver fixtures in the Slytherin showers as the water beat down on her face. 'Strong. Be strong, damnit! You are strong. You don't hurt. You don't feel. You don't care. You don't...' "You DON'T!" she hissed aloud, turning off the shower. Her voice echoed throughout the seemingly empty room.

"Are you alright in there?" a voice called.

"I'm fine." 'Fine the way I am. I AM strong. I'm a GOOD person. I'm invincible. I'm... I am... I AM...'

'I'm not.'