Harry Potter and the Spanish Inquisition

(Hermione Granger, a lady of society, sits in a stylish drawing room knitting quietly. Loud knocking is heard at the door.)

Hermione : Come in.

(In comes Ron)

Ron : Trouble at th' Ministry.

Hermione : Oh no!

Ron : One o -

Hermione : What sort of trouble?

Ron : One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

Hermione : Pardon?

Ron : One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

Hermione : I don't understand what you're saying.

Ron : (irritated) One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treadle.

Hermione : Well, what on earth does that mean? And what the heck does it have to do with our world?

Ron : I don't know! - Harry just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the Ministry, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

         (JARRING CHORD. The door flies open. In come three people in black robes.)

Draco : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!

(Cardinal Draco of Something regards them with a nasty grin. He is flanked by Cardinal Crabbe [in Death Eater's mask] and Cardinal Fang [who has started slobbering on the floor.])

Draco: ...Surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to my dad (Fang barks) Okay, so you don’t like my dad.... Our four...no...

(Ron and Hermione look boredly at these loonies.)

Draco: Amongst our weapons.... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surpr.... I'll come in again.

 (They turn back and escape out into the hall)

Ron : I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

 (JARRING CHORD - They burst in again)

Draco : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! ...Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to my dad (except Fang), and nice black uniforms (leather, if I can get away with it) - Oh damn!

 (Longish pause. He turns to Crabbe.)

Draco: I - I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Crabbe : What?

Draco : You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Crabbe : (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...

 (Draco hustles Fang and Crabbe out again)

Ron (in irritated tones) : I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

 (JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter. Crabbe is now in front, looking lost.)

Crabbe : Er.... Nobody...um....

Draco : (under breath) Expects...

Crabbe : Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...

Draco : Inquisition.

Crabbe : I know, I know!…oh, wait, hold on… Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect-

Draco : Our chief weapons are...

Crabbe : Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Draco : Surprise...

Crabbe : Surprise and --

Draco : Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop.

 (He has jumped back out into front by now.)

Draco: Phew! Ah! ...Our chief weapon is surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

 (Fang steps forth and produces an ancient-looking scroll. He has a strange, barking voice.)

Fang : Yew arr hereby charged that yew did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. (dances) ruff, ruff, bark, bark (ect.)

Draco : That's enough! (To Hermione) Now, how do you plead?

Hermione : We're innocent, you loon. And you haven’t become a Death Eater yet! What’s with the robes?

Draco : (ignoring Hermione) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

*diabolical laughter*

Draco : (Gesturing wildly) We'll - soon - change - your mind - about - THAT!

*diabolical acting!!!*

Draco : Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- Ooooh! (hits himself) Now, Cardinal -- the curse!

(Fang produces a wand that turns into a rubber chicken [heavily chewed] when Draco touches it. Draco begins to say nasty things about the Weasleys)

Ron: Hey! (punches Draco. Soon a big fistfight is going on, when the Author comes in.)


Ron: But…but…


Ron: (blank look) Fangirls?


Ron: No (punches Draco). Oh no. I’ve been a bad boy.


Draco : (furious as he turns to Crabbe) You....!

 (He stops himself and resignedly decides to just pretend.)

Draco: ...Right. Tie her down.

     (Fang and Crabbe make a pathetic attempt to prod Hermione with the rubber chicken. They laugh diabolically. Draco moves to the other end of the room and looks extremely depressed. When it is over, Hermione starts rubbing her back)

Draco : (trying to seem diabolical) Right! How do you plead?

Hermione : Innocent, of course. I don’t even know what I’m accused of.

Draco : Ha! Right! Cardinal, hit her with the curse again! Oh dear...

 (Crabbe stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Crabbe : I....

Draco : I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Crabbe : I...what’s crass mean?

Draco : It makes it all seem so stupid!

Crabbe : Shall I...?

Draco : No, just PRETEND, for God's sake! Honestly! Back in the good old days…

Hermione: Good old days? Honestly, you’re only a teenager, Draco.

 (Crabbe immediately launches into *diabolical laughter* and prods Hermione some more)

Crabbe : Ha! Ha! Ha!

*end this scene*

 (Prof. McGonagall is sitting with a photo album and showing photos to Lily Potter (alive for no good reason), who tears the pictures up as she is handed them. McGonagall does not notice)

McGonagall (MG) : This is Uncle Jack in front of the house.

                    (She hands over the photo and Lily tears it up)

MG: This is Uncle Jack at the back of the house.

                    (She hands over the photo and Lily tears it up)

MG: And this is Uncle Jack at the side of the house.

                    (She hands over the photo and Lily tears it up)

MG: This is Uncle Jack, back again at the front of the house, but you can see the side of the house.

                    (She hands over the photo and Lily tears it up)

MG: And this is Uncle Jack even nearer the side of the house, but you can still see the front.

                    (She hands over the photo and Lily tears it up)

MG: This is the back of the house, with Uncle Jack coming round the side to the front.

                    (She hands over the photo and Lily tears it up)

MG: And this is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed.

                       (Lily takes it with her first sign of real interest.)

Lily : Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!

                                      (JARRING CHORD.)

Draco : Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

MG: Really, Draco, you’re too young to be in Monty Python spoofs.

Draco: But—

MG: No buts! Get someone more experienced in here!

Draco: Yes ma’am

(Draco, Crabbe, and Fang Apparate away and are replaced by Lucius, Dobby, and Winky.)

MG: Not you!

 *flashback*

(Play scary music, bloody pictures. Caption:

Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. Shadows on the grille. The bootsteps stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Lucius walks in and looks round approvingly. Dobby and Winky enter behind, forcing in McGonagall. They chain her to the wall.)

Lucius : Ha! Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy

by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. ...Four counts. Do you confess?

MG : Now look here, I’ve had you as a student...oh yeah, you’re incredibly evil now. Never mind that thought. I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Lucius : Ha! Then we shall MAKE you understand! Dobby! Fetch... ...THE CUSHIONS!

                  (JARRING CHORD. Dobby holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)

Dobby : Here they is, master.

MG : Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject

the works of Hogwarts -- two last chances. And you shall be free -- three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

MG : I don't know what you're talking about. I don’t think you do, either.

Lucius : Right! If that's the way you want it -- Winky! Poke her with the soft cushions!

                        (Winky carries out this rather pathetic torture)

Lucius : (excitedly) Confess! Confess! Confess!

Dobby : It is not hurting the old lady, master.

Lucius : Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Winky : Yes, sir.

Lucius : (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hmf. She's made of harder stuff.

Cardinal Dobby, fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

                      (JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Dobby's horrified face)

Dobby : (terrified) The...Comfy Chair? Oh, master, no!

Lucius : Yes.

 (Winky and Dobby push in a comfy chair - a really plush one that happens to be from Dumbledore’s office.)(Play funeral music.)

Lucius : So! You think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall

see. Dobby! Put her... in the Comfy Chair! Now, where is my wand? I must jinx the comfy chair! (looks around, and Dobby finally finds a wand. It turns into a snake.)

Lucius: (girlish scream) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! *&%^. We’ll just have to put her in.

    (They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair. She settles in and smiles. It is a very comfy chair.)

Lucius : (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at eleven! You will not grade papers, or teach students, or anything of the kind! You will be denied interaction with people younger than the age of eighteen! (Aside, to Dobby, very deflated) Is that

really all it is?

Dobby : Yes, lord.

Lucius : I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?

                 (Winky nods. Lucius begins very softly but is soon screaming.)

Lucius: Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!

Winky : (hysterical) I is confessing! I is confessing!

Lucius : Not you! You’re just a house elf!

                                        (Cut to a judge.)

Crouch Sr. : I confess!

                                       (Cut back to cell.)

Lucius: (looking about, confused) Who was that? Hah! A demon! You’re a witch!

MG: You idiot. You’re a wizard, and you’re in the wrong movie.

                                      (Cut back to judge.)

Crouch Sr. : I confess!

Mr. Peabody  : Quiet, you!

  (Pull back to reveal a courtroom. Crouch Sr. is in the defendant's area,

   being judged by another judge. Rita Skeeter is in the middle.)

Crouch Sr. : I confess, I confess, I confess!

Mr. Peabody: Quiet! That's contempt of court!

Crouch Sr. : What the heck am I doing here?

Dumbledore (who has suddenly reappeared where Mr. Peabody was) : Contempt of court, hmm. However, I probably shouldn't punish you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to America because of Voldemort. ...I'm going tomorrow, I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done in the States. Ooh, England makes you sick! Best I can do to you here is life imprisonment in Azkaban. It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, America! You've got your bloody screaming fan-girls, booming fanfic trade, Disneyland, Florida... I'm off, I tell you. Right! Well, I'm going to go nuts before I leave, so... I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.

Crouch Sr. : Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

                          (Court reacts expectantly. Nothing happens.)

  (Cut to Malfoy Manor. The Lucius, Winky, and Fang [I don’t like Dobby] suddenly bolt out of the door and down the path. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.)

Lucius : Two, ER, three for Riddikulus, please.

Winky: Why is we riding a bus?

Lucius: Because the people in the bloody Monty Python show did.

Winky: Ah.

                                  (Credits start superimposed.)

Fang: Look, they've started the credits.

(Winky looks strangely at Fang. Lucius does not notice the talking dog.)

Lucius : Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.

Winky : Come on hurry. Hurry!

               (We see shots of them coming through London. Credits keep rolling.)

Lucius : There's the pythonet.org credit, only five left.

                                         (More credits.)

Winky: Why is we not taking a Portkey, master?

Lucius: Huh?

Fang: Never mind.

Lucius : Hell, it's the final author’s note! - quick!

      (They leap off the bus into the appropriate page. Cut back to court room. They burst in, and...)

Lucius : Nobody expects the Sp...

                               (The End)

Lucius:...Oh bugger!