The Iguana

Stupid.

Moronic.

Brain-dead.

Brains of a cheese sandwich.

Age is higher than his IQ.

Would lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana.

(N.B: What is an iguana anyway?)

Idiot.

Nought per cent intellectual activity.

Why is he in Ravenclaw anyway?

Robbie Giordano brooded over all the insults he had received since he'd arrived at this abysmal school.

Robbie was Italian. He was seventeen - the oldest of three - and he only had a term and a half left of school. He'd moved to England from Italy when his mother remarried, so he'd been uprooted from his school of six and a half years in hot, sunny Tuscany to this lousy one in the freezing cold UK. Hogwarts. What kind of a stupid name was Hogwarts? It sounded like a pig with bad skin.

When he, his oldest sister Isabella (his youngest one, Avalon, came later because she had Dragon Pox) and a pretty Greek girl the same age as Izzie were told to put an old hat on their head by a very severe-looking teacher who introduced herself as Professor McGonagall he'd thought she was having a laugh. When he put it on and heard the voice talking about his qualities in his ear he'd changed his mind. Then it shouted "RAVENCLAW!" and almost deafened him.

Of course, at the beginning of the year Robbie hadn't known the significance of Ravenclaw. When he discovered they were renowned for their intelligence, he was surprised. He had never been the smartest boy in his old school. Roberto Giordano: Gorgeous but dim. Girls liked Robbie. He was strong. He was tall. He had dark hair, eyes and skin. He was typically good-looking. He was Italian. He also didn't say much. Sadly this was because Robbie - despite the aforementioned qualities - was not very bright. At all. His sisters outshone him at almost everything. It was a bit humiliating.

Even after a couple of weeks Robbie had found that although he had friends and loads of girls fancied him, he was instantly regarded as thick. It was annoying. He could never escape the torments of a gang of Slytherins that seemed to have taken exception to him, or of the slightly meaner Ravenclaws, and especially the jibes of his sarcastic sister Avalon. Izzie was slightly less sharp-tongued, but she could be impatient with him. Avalon said outright that she thought he was a moron. Avalon was the bluntest person he'd ever met in his life, and he couldn't get away from her. At home he had been able to put up with Avalon's constant tirade of insults and the occasional snide remark from Izzie, but here there were more people and more taunts.

Robbie was pretty miserable underneath his exterior. He couldn't even get on the Quiditch team because there was no room for him. It didn't help his self-esteem that Izzie had managed to get on the Slytherin team. The fact of the matter was that he was thick. Very thick. He didn't even know what an iguana was for goodness's sakes. God that was depressing.

He leant back in his chair, contemplating his options. He needed to talk to someone intelligent. Well, he was in the Ravenclaw common room. It was full of intelligent people. He looked around. What about Cho? She was intelligent. But she was also distractingly pretty. How could he listen to her?

He could always see his sisters. Avalon would crow, obviously, so she was a last resort. But Izzie was brainy. She wasn't gifted or a genius. She wasn't like that Gryffindor girl...what was her name? The smart one with the brown hair...Bryony Granger or something like that. Well, she wasn't her, but she was smart.

Robbie made an excuse to his friends and set off, looking for Izzie. He found her in the library, exactly where he'd expected to find her, pouring over War and Peace. He smiled to himself. Their mother was a Muggle, and Izzie was definitely in touch with her Muggle side. She loved Muggle books. He tapped his sister on the shoulder.

"What?"

She snapped the book shut and turned around irritably. He'd obviously caught her on a bad day.

"Izzie, I need your help."

"Look, I've told you before, you need to multiply eighty-nine by twenty-seven and then divide by one hundred. It's not hard."

"It's not that," said Robbie impatiently. "Thing is...I'm in Ravenclaw, right?"

"Yes, I'd noticed."

"And I'm thick."

"That's a bit harsh. I'd just say you weren't really gifted."

"But why am I in Ravenclaw?"

Izzie shrugged.

"I dunno. Why am I in Slytherin? Sometimes the best reasons are the least obvious."

Robbie frowned.

"That makes no sense," he said.

"It does, trust me," said Izzie.

She turned around so she faced him square on.

"Look, Robbie, I can't make you smart," she said. "There's probably a really good reason why you're in Ravenclaw and not Gryffindor or something. It's probably where you least expect it. And you know I'm always willing to help you out on important things. But right now I am trying to read Tolstoy so go and ask Avalon."

"I thought you were reading War and Peace?"

"I am! War and Peace is by Tolstoy you...bin bag! Look, go and pester Avalon."

"She'll tease me," said Robbie, sullenly.

"What are you, Roberto, a man or a munchkin?" said Izzie hotly, turning back to her book. "So she teases you. Just push the little mosquito over. It's no big deal. Now go!"

Robbie went off sadly. Izzie was no help. He realised what he was going to have to do. He had to talk to Avalon. Erk.

He went off sadly towards the Gryffindor common room. He knew Avalon would be in there. She always was. He stood outside the portrait hole and waited for someone to go past. Sure enough a pair of girls went past almost immediately. He stopped them.

"'Scuse me, could you tell Avalon Giordano that Robbie's waiting for her outside the portrait hole?" he asked them.

There was a great deal of giggling before one girl finally managed to say, "Ok," and rushed through the portrait hole, and Robbie could've have sworn he heard the blonde one say, "Oh my God he talked to us!"

In about five minutes Avalon emerged looking sulky.

"What do you want, molecule mind?" she said waspishly.

"I need some help," said Robbie. "Will you please explain to me why I'm in Ravenclaw?"

"Why are you asking me?" said Avalon meanly. "I don't know. I've been asking myself the same question ever since I found out you were put in there. Why put the dimmy in the smart house, that's what I want to know."

Robbie felt the hurt but didn't give into it. Avalon made him so mad sometimes and this was just it. He slapped her round the face.

"What the...?"

"What gives you the right to call me a dimmy?" said Robbie angrily, resisting the urge to strangle his sister. "For years it's always been you insulting me! Well now it's my turn. You are rude, selfish and vain. You only speak out of your arse and you think you're the best person in the entire world. You lead people along and you think you have the right to insult them and hurt them. You think you're the best person in the world, Avalon Giordano, but you're just a little bitch who thinks she's the best."

Avalon looked shocked at her brother's outburst. Her hand was still on her cheek, which appeared to have a nasty red mark on it from Robbie's slap.

"You," she said angrily, and Robbie could see she was bearing up for one of her favourite insults, "would lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. And you don't even know what that is."

"I'll find out, just you wait."

He left quickly, so he couldn't hear Avalon's sarcastic comment of, "Wow, terrifying."

Robbie stomped off up a random staircase. He'd never been up there before but he didn't care. As long as he got away from bloody Avalon. Why was she always so damn smart-alecky? Thinking she was so bloody great. Stuff her. Stuff Izzie. Stuff everyone.

He didn't know where he was going until he ran face first into an incredibly ugly stone gargoyle.

"Ouch!"

He rubbed his nose crossly and kicked the gargoyle, but all that achieved was a sharp pain in his foot. As he hopped around clutching his left foot and swearing in Italian, he could have sworn the gargoyle winked at him.

Suddenly it moved. It slid open slowly, like a doorway, and it lead to a moving staircase. It was like one of those escalators you get in shopping centres, but made of stone and without the banister with the "Emergency Stop" button. Robbie stared, especially as on the escalator was the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore.

Robbie admired Albus Dumbledore. He had an auror of power around him and although he seemed very nice, he commanded a high level of respect. Even the Slytherins shut up around him, and he doubted that even Avalon would have the guts to be sarky and rude to him. And sarky and rude were Avalon's main traits.

"Ah, it was you that kicked Eric, was it?" said Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eyes that Robbie had never noticed before.

"Eric?"

"The gargoyle," he said, carelessly gesturing towards the stone demon. "He's a nice enough chap but not the best conversation. I was going to go and fetch something, but it can wait. Did you want to see me?"

"Er...well, I actually came here by accident, Professor, you see..."

"Well now that you're here, Robert, we..."

"Roberto."

"I'm so sorry, dear boy. Roberto, we can have a nice little chat in my office, eh?" Oh don't look so frightened!" he said, smiling at the look on Robbie's face. "You haven't done anything wrong. But I sense something is praying on your mind, hmm?"

"Well, I suppose..."

"Well I'm only here to help. Come on up," said Dumbledore, and lead a very confused Robbie onto the escalator.

This man is crazy, thought Robbie to himself in awe. Barmy. Totally bonkers. Why on Earth is he inviting me up here? Does he know about me slapping Avalon? Why has he named that hideous old statue Eric?

His train of thought was interrupted by Dumbledore opening a door that lead into a lovely round office. Robbie stared around.

"I like this!" he said, observing all the funny instruments, the round table, the fancy portraits, the ornate chairs and what looked like a phoenix standing on a perch about six feet away from him.

"Thank you, Mr Giordano," said Dumbledore, sitting down and gesturing towards the seat opposite him. "Sit?"

Robbie sat. He felt nervous. Why was he here?

"Now, would you like to tell me what is praying on your mind and what caused you to slap your sister earlier?" said Dumbledore, the old twinkle back. Robbie leaned back slightly in his chair.

"You saw?"

"I...not saw, exactly...I know, let's leave it at that," said Dumbledore. "So what caused it?"

"She's always saying I'm stupid," said Robbie, knowing it sounded childish now. "But it's constant and it's way too much. And everyone says I shouldn't be in Ravenclaw because I'm not clever and I know I'm dim and I don't know where I belong and Izzie and Avalon are clever and I..."

"I'm going to have to interrupt you here, I'm afraid," said Dumbledore. "You say you're dim?"

"I am," said Robbie miserably. "I don't even know what an iguana is."

"Well, I can solve two problems there," said Dumbledore. "Firstly, academic intelligence is not what makes Ravenclaws. Ravenclaws are made by common sense, intuition, keeping cool-headed in a crisis and most importantly: leaning from their mistakes. And from what I know you fit all those categories. So you aren't getting straight Os in everything. As long as you can keep all of the above qualities you're fine. A boy could pass his NEWTs with flying colours and still be a fool if he can't learn from his mistakes, or panics at small things, or doesn't look both ways before crossing London roads."

Robbie stared. It was true he did find it surprisingly easy to stay calm, and he did have a lot of common sense. That was certainly something Avalon did not have. And he was intuitive, it was true. He could certainly see something Izzie seemed unable to see: she and Seamus Finnigan were blatantly in love with each other. And he learnt from his mistakes. He'd never made the same mistake twice to his knowledge.

"Thanks, Professor!" he said, excitedly. "That's really made me feel a lot better! And what's the second thing?"

"The second thing is that an iguana is a large lizard," said Dumbledore kindly.

Resisting the urge to hug the headmaster, Robbie practically skipped out of the office after bidding him good afternoon. He even gave Eric a cheery smile before nearly dancing down the stairs towards the Gryffindor portrait hole. After passing it, he bumped into Avalon.

"What are you so happy about?" she snapped.

"It's a large lizard," said Robbie happily, and laughing at the stunned look on his little sister's face, dashed off to find his friends in the common room of the house of which he truly belonged in.