The Black Star

The Black Star Chapter 8

*1995*

Stella who had stood up, staggered back as the blow of emotions that weren´t hers hit her head-on. She felt confusion, shock, disbelief and... hope?

Scared that Sirius might find out who exactly had been calling him, she wanted to break the connection. But how?

Not having any better ideas, Stella used the scheme that was usually applied in case of a mental attack. It meant that she had to concentrate on herself and build a mental wall around her mind that would prevent others to read her thoughts and probably disable them to communicate with her telepathically as well. Also, she wouldn´t radiate any emotions that could be sensed by others.

Her fright made it difficult for her to concentrate, but eventually, Stella stopped feeling Sirius´ presence. Trembling all over her body, she sank into a chair and tried to calm down. Her heart was racing like a F1 on the Grand Prix of Monaco and her breath was coming short. Stella clasped her hands together in order to stop them shaking.

"Oh, well done, Decartier," she thought bitterly. "Very well done. You are acting as if you didn´t care at all and the first encounter, even only a mental one, freaks you out completely. Little hypocrite, you."

Trying to stop thinking about Sirius because that was way too painful, she suddenly remembered where he had probably been now. Wolf´s Castle. Lupin´s Lair.

Remus.

A whole year had passed since their last meeting. Which was actually pretty good, seeing that their meeting before that one had been more than 12 years ago.

Remus entered the building with what should be a determined stride, but he was unable to repress a shudder. He had never liked hospitals and St. Mungo´s was no exception. Having already remembered the complicated way by heart, he walked quickly to her room and stepped in. Remus´ throat tightened as he saw her lying there, smaller and more fragile than he´d ever seen her. He hated himself for what he was going to tell her, but he had no choice. He had to do it for his own sanity´s sake.

Fortunately, Stella was awake. In the past three months after she had heard about that awful October night and the following day when *he* had been captured, Remus hadn´t been able to talk to her. He tried to forget those horrible images - Stella shouting desperately, her pupils dilated that Sirius was innocent and her final break-down when she realized that he would have to stay in Azkaban forever and that she couldn´t do anything to prevent it. After several hysterical outbursts, she had had to be taken into magical care and had spent the following weeks in an apathy which had been both very worrying and disturbing. The mediwizards weren´t certain whether she would recover at all. Remus felt a wave of anger sweeping over him and he damned Sirius with every curse he knew for betraying Lily and James, for killing Peter and for making Stella and him grieving like this.

"I hope you will be sane in Azkaban long enough to suffer like we do now," he thought bitterly and with a vengefulness he had never considered himself capable of.

Suddenly, Stella opened her eyes.

Her friend winced at her gaze. He had half-hoped to find her in her usual apathy because it would have been easier. But her eyes weren´t blank. They resembled wells full of sadness, frustration and hopelessness, painfully aware of everything that was going on.

Remus gulped. How was he going to tell her when she was looking at him like this?

So he began elsewhere.

"You really shouldn´t do that," he remarked softly, gesturing at her bruises she had gotten when having duelled with the mediwizards who had wanted to calm her down in one of her hysterical outbursts.

Stella groaned and massaged her temples in a tired motion. "Don´t preach, Moony," she replied wearily. "I already get that from Sean and Dumbledore. Please not you, too."

She looked into his eyes, searching for sympathy. "I thought that you of all people would understand me."

Remus´ attempt to smile failed utterly. But his voice was gentle when he responded.

"I do understand you. Therefore I hope you will understand me as well when you have heard what I´m going to tell you."

Stella´s gaze full of mistrust was even more hurtful to look at than the previous mix of negative emotions. She had stopped to trust him as well. On the other hand - she had a point, didn´t she? He was going away and leaving her to deal with the shreds that had remained of her former life.

Remus took a few calming breaths. "I´m leaving," he said finally, his eyes not meeting hers.

Somehow, that didn´t sound as if he was going away to have lunch and coming back in two hours, Stella thought wryly. Her next glance at Remus contained barely concealed rage, born out of the pain and the severe disappointment she had experienced three months ago. How could he leave her now?

Remus had known it wouldn´t be easy. But he couldn´t stay. Stella would have to accept it.

"Please, try to understand me, Silver. Everything here in Britain reminds me of what happened and you the most. I have to go somewhere far away. I want peace. I want to forget," Remus told her, playing nervously with his robes and wanting to escape.

His state made Stella´s anger subside. She shouldn´t vent it on Moony. He was just as affected by all this as she was and although her heart cried desperately at the prospect of letting him go, she didn´t have the strength to keep him here.

"I take it that you are resigning from Black Star, then," she said, tiredly brushing away a strand of her now matted hair. He nodded. "And what are you planning to do?"

Remus shrugged. "I guess I´ll seek out some werewolf communities. At least I will be with my kind. I wouldn´t get accepted anywhere else, now would I?" he asked with bitterness in his voice.

Stella refrained from saying that yes, in Black Star he would, for it was obvious that Remus just wanted to get away and forget his former life. Unable of holding him back against his will, she surrendered. As soon as Remus had realized that, he sat down on the edge of her bed and embraced his oldest friend, the first one who hadn´t been afraid of his lycanthrophy. He was going to miss her so much.

Stella hugged him back tightly, aware that this might well be the last time they´d see each other. She closed her eyes and concentrated on remembering him, his scent, the feeling when he embraced her like this, his smile, his eyes,...

After a while, they released each other and Remus stood up, giving her a sad smile. Neither of them cried. Due to the passed months full of grief, they both had no more tears left. Remus bent down and kissed her gently on the cheek.

"Farewell."

Stella got hold of his hand and squeezed it with affection.

"Please take care, Moony," she whispered.

Remus nodded wordlessly, then turned away and slowly left the room, not showing the great reluctance he felt as he did so.

"Here I wanted to avoid unpleasantness," Stella thought wryly, pushing her memories of that day behind the iron curtain of forced oblivion. "I am really the master at that, am I not?"

Her gaze swept over her living room which was bathed in sunlight. The furniture, mostly made of glass and metal, sparkled. The white sofa she was sitting on was soft and invited to just stretching out and taking a nap. Stella contemplated the idea for a moment. Should she take a day off and spend it in her flat, undisturbed? An image of a long bath, hot tea and some good novels crossed her mind and the decision was made. She was going to stay at home. Using the fireplace to reach Sean, Stella told him about her plan and was rather surprised that the First General didn´t mind at all. Quite the contrary, Sean was pleased to hear that she´d resolved to take a break and he advised her just to ban every unpleasant thought or duty from her mind for the next 24 hours. Her spirits having lightened up considerably, Stella went into the bathroom and prepared everything for a superb relaxation session, grateful for her hard-acquired ability to push unpleasant things out of her mind.

8==8O8==8

Sirius, however, was in a completely different mood.

After he had reeled back so suddenly, everyone else sprang up as well, regarding him in alarm. Remus didn´t know how to help his friend who was staring transfixed at a spot somewhere above their heads. It occurred to him that Sirius might be having some sort of vision. Remus knew that his friend was having nightmares quite often and that he sometimes just stopped dead in whatever he had been doing because he had the impression of hearing or seeing certain things. Sirius wouldn´t tell him what exactly those things were about, but Remus could well imagine anyway.

It was true that Sirius´ nightmares in Azkaban had frequently featured a certain woman with chestnut hair. The amount of those had lessened after his breakout, though. Instead, his mind sometimes caused him to hear her voice or see her face even though he knew she wasn´t there and it left him feeling alone and empty like an abandoned shell.

This vision had been completely different, however. Sirius was positively sure that it hadn´t been the result of his longing. The image had been too vivid, too clear. For a brief moment, he had seen her, really seen her and heard her voice that had been calling him... asking him where he was...

Ignoring the worried glances Harry, Ron, Hermione and Remus were giving him, he concentrated with all his strength to summon the image again, but without success. Whatever connection there might have been, it was broken. Sirius realized that he was not going to see Stella unless he invaded the Black Star Headquarters. That didn´t seem like a good idea, though. He wasn´t exactly sure whether he wanted to see her in person again. She would probably curse him on the spot, no matter if she believed in his innocence or not. True, Remus had told him that she had never considered him guilty of the charges laid upon him and that she had accepted the story he had told her after Harry´s third year straight away. But she had still reasons to hate him. Sirius knew that and therefore hadn´t been able to resume the courage to contact her. He had no right to mess up her life again. Not after what he had done - or failed to do, that is.

Sirius raised his head and found himself being stared at intently by four pairs of eyes. Feeling awkward, he searched for a suitable explanation for his behaviour. Nothing came. So he decided to play it down and grinned.

"Hey, don´t panic, you lot. Just thought I had heard something. Nothing to worry about," he said lightly, bent down and picked up his chair.

Having straightened it, he sat down and resumed eating in what should be a relaxed manner. Slowly, the others proceeded to do the same, but Sirius could tell that none of them was fooled by his acting. They weren´t inquiring further now, but if he kept up his current behaviour, they would.

"Control, Black," he told himself. "Control, control, control."

After Sirius´ rather worrying outburst, Harry had proceeded to eat his breakfast silently. This didn´t mean, however, that he wasn´t giving his godfather´s peculiar behaviour any thoughts. On the contrary, he was beginning to feel even more concerned about Sirius which, given the not-so-small amount of worry he had spent on him in the previous year, was rather alarming in itself. While he considered his godfather to be able to endure persecution, the hate of the public and general mistrust, Harry wasn´t so sure whether Sirius was capable of handling his psyche. He had started to realize that the easiness and confidence he had grown to associate with Sirius through their letters and which the older man had displayed since Hermione, Ron and Harry had come to Lupin´s Lair was nothing more than a façade, a fragile construction to hide whatever feelings tore Sirius up inside.

"I must have been stupid not to notice all this before," Harry mused, angry with himself.

The truth was that he had never really thought about what Sirius must be feeling, which he was quite certain had been Sirius´ intention since he had refrained from talking to his godson about his dreams and his emotions. Harry didn´t mean to intrude in Sirius´ privacy, but he desperately wanted to help his godfather.

While he hadn´t seen any display of Sirius´ negative emotions since the night in the Shrieking Shack until now, Harry could well imagine that Azkaban left traces not only on your body, but on your soul as well. He also knew that Sirius blamed himself for the death of James and Lily and that he would never cease to do so.

However, today´s scene hadn´t seemed like a display of guilt, had it? What had Sirius seen that had made him react like that?

Harry had never been good at deciphering other people´s expressions, but the intensity of the mixed emotions on Sirius´ face, his eyes - darting around, searching frantically... Searching what? Or who?

This had spoken volumes. Evidently, he had seen something important - or he was starting to lose it, Harry thought sombrely. After all, people did go insane in Azkaban, didn´t they? Harry sighed, reluctant to accept that the long imprisonment might have harmed Sirius´ mental health. But on the other hand, from what he had heard, his godfather hadn´t been the most stable, controlled guy in the past, either. Maybe this wasn´t digressing from his usual behaviour so much after all? Perhaps he just generally felt things strongly and was therefore likely to have nightmares or weird visions?

Thinking that this sounded stupid even to his own ears, Harry poked at his breakfast toast dispiritedly, frustrated that he couldn´t help his godfather. Maybe he should ask Professor Lupin - no, Remus, Harry corrected himself - for advice on what to do.

Remus sighed inwardly as the uncomfortable silence descended on the breakfast table and the five people around it. He hated to admit it - and he knew Sirius would flatly refuse to do so - but his friend´s mental state was deteriorating. He had believed that the post-Azkaban illness symptoms were starting to clear up, but it seemed that he had been too optimistic. It had been foolish of him to assume that everything would get better just like that. It most decidedly wouldn´t, much less with Voldemort possibly rising again now.

Remus regarded his friend who had his head bent over his plate and was eating absently, eyes fixed on his glass of milk as if it held the key to a major secret.

"It´s unfair," Remus thought, certainly not for the first time.

It was inequitable that Sirius, who had already paid horribly for his mistake of switching his Secret-Keeper status to Peter, still had to suffer. Remus was quite aware that Sirius´ conscience would probably torment him until the end of his days for what he had failed to do and a part of Remus - a part he was most ashamed of every time it resurfaced in his mind - well, this part thought it might even be justified. But his other self, which he had once had to fight for so hard, ached for Sirius when he saw him like this.

It simply wasn´t fair. After all that Sirius had been through, he had earned himself a little happiness and contentment.

The problem was that Sirius didn´t see it that way. He blamed himself constantly and Remus even suspected that if it hadn´t been for the revenge on Wormtail and if Harry hadn´t been alive, Sirius might have gone straight to the Ministry to turn himself in now. Of course, there was also the fact that without having seen the picture of Wormtail in the Daily Prophet, Sirius might never have even considered a breakout.

And he, Remus, would probably have died some day with a last curse of his friend´s memory on his lips because he would never have learned the truth. Remus shuddered, not wanting to think about that option, not wanting to remember that two years ago, he would have killed Sirius on the spot if he had shown up at his door looking for a shelter.

However, Sirius´ self-accusing wasn´t the only problem. The second - and possibly the worse one - was his stubbornness. Remus was fairly sure that at least a part of Sirius´ bad dreams and visions would vanish if he just went and... But it was no go. He had tried to talk to him about it, but Sirius had refused point-blank to discuss this matter, whether out of pride or cowardice, Remus didn´t know. It wasn´t because of lack of caring, or so he hoped.

It just couldn´t be.

After breakfast, Sirius raised from his seat and left the room in a slow, almost absent manner, claiming that he needed some fresh air. Nobody attempted to follow him because it was unmistakable that he wanted to be alone.

Harry´s gaze wandered to Remus who had moved the dishes into the kitchen sink with his wand where they started to clean themselves. Contemplating whether he should talk to his former professor now, Harry received a kick in the ankle from Ron who was indicating with a motion of his hand that they should go somewhere else and talk. Harry found that his friend was right and gave him and Hermione a small nod. After thanking Remus for the breakfast (which the adult almost didn´t notice due to being lost in thoughts), they left the dining room for Harry´s current bedroom.

"I´m very concerned about Sirius," Hermione announced as soon as the door was closed and they had settled down on Harry´s bed.

"You´re not the only one," Harry replied quietly, drawing a hand through his hair in a frustrated move. "I just wish I could help him somehow," he added, looking up at his friends unhappily.

"Listen, Harry," Ron said, putting a hand on his friend´s shoulder. "If there´s anything you can do, I´m sure we will find out what this might be. But face the current situation. You have seen how Sirius attempted to play the whole thing down. This shows that he doesn´t wasn´t us to worry about him or question him. I think we´d better leave it to Prof. - er, Remus to deal with it. He knows Sirius better than any of us does and -"

"But that´s not the point!" Harry cut him off, raising his voice. "I should try to help him! After all, I´m only contributing to him getting reminded of my parents more strongly these days. I mean, with me looking like my father and all..."

Hermione shook her head in slight annoyance.

"You must overcome your eternal inclination to blame yourself for everything, Harry," she said in a severe tone, but reasonable like always. "If it pained Sirius that much to think about your parents, would he have wanted you to be here in the first place? Would he have told you all those anecdotes you have mentioned he did?"

Harry lifted his shoulders, unconvinced. "But what did he see at breakfast, then?"

Hermione touched her lower lip thoughtfully. "A Dementor, maybe?"

"No," Ron spoke up unexpectedly. "He didn´t look frightened."

Harry and Hermione threw him a doubtful glance that showed how much they trusted his knowledge of people.

"Believe me," Ron urged. "I have grown up with Fred and George, two of the best unaccredited actors ever. I know how to read other people´s expressions, even if they are trying to hide what they feel."

Reluctantly, Harry accepted his friend´s explanation. "What was Sirius feeling, then?"

Ron thought back briefly, replaying the whole scene in front of his inner eye, Sirius´ sudden rise from his seat, the look on his face...

"Well," he began slowly, closing his eyes to concentrate. "He was kinda shocked, yes, but not in a negative way... more like very surprised. And confused, quite a bit. He looked as if he didn´t believe what he was seeing. But he must have liked it nonetheless because he seemed determined to make the vision last. At least, that was how it looked like to me," Ron concluded with a slight shrug.

"The fact that he wanted the vision to continue doesn´t necessarily mean that it was pleasant," Harry put in, having his dreams of Voldemort in mind. "But it could have been something important."

"If it was that important to all of us, he would certainly have told us what it was about," Hermione said in a reassuring tone.

"Hm. Maybe you are right," Harry replied, but in such an obviously unconvinced sort of voice that Hermione felt herself obliged to add, "But if this eases your worries a little, we can go and ask Remus whether there´s something we can do."

Harry nodded mutely, thinking for a moment that strangely enough, Hermione seemed to have got accustomed to calling Prof. Lupin `Remus´ better than he or Ron had done. He would have expected her to have much more difficulties with it, seeing that a professor´s title was almost sacred to her.

They found Remus - unsurprisingly - in the library where he was sitting, leafing through a tome of his, which was bearing an unpronounceable title in a language Harry didn´t know.

Remus had looked up as the three kids had entered the room and he was now regarding them expectantly, suspecting what they had come to talk about. He was proven right.

A little hesitantly, Harry explained his concern about Sirius and his wish to help. He gazed at Remus with a serious expression on his face which made the older man think that he would readily do anything that would make Harry´s life normal and carefree, if only he could. Sadly, this wasn´t within his powers.

"There´s nothing you can do, Harry," he said gently. "Sirius chose to see this through alone and I know him well enough to say that he won´t accept help from anyone. Not even from me. He is stubborn that way." Seeing Harry´s troubled look, he added more reassuringly, "Don´t worry, Harry. Sirius is stronger than you think. He will manage."

They were simple words and Harry couldn´t be sure if Remus really meant what he was saying, but his former professor´s statement comforted him all the same. Remus was a little like Dumbledore that way. He could be very calming when he wanted to. Harry wondered briefly how such a behaviour was compatible with a werewolf´s ferocity. Maybe it was some sort of antipole.

Silence descended on them as they stood there, facing Remus who was still sitting in his chair and thinking desperately of an activity to offer those three to distract them from worrying about Sirius. Something to put their immediate worries off from him, something they would find agreeable ...

He cleared his throat. "Er, what about a game of Quidditch, you lot? I think I´ve got some spare broomsticks for Ron and Hermione somewhere. They won´t be excellent, but..."

Hermione interrupted him, looking vaguely horrified. "No! I had the biggest of problems in first year when we had to take Flying lessons. I can´t ride a broomstick!"

"Well, then it´s about time you learn it," Remus replied with a pleasant smile. "Isn´t it, boys?"

Grinning, Ron and Harry agreed, seizing the opportunity to lay the dark thoughts aside and do something enjoyable. They accepted that they couldn´t do anything for Sirius at the moment and beside this, they trusted Remus to do something if things became worse. He had that effect on people.

*1973*

Having finished breakfast, Stella followed Remus and Lily to the stands at the Quidditch pitch. You could tell immediately that this would be no ordinary game. The air alive with excitement. It wasn´t important that Hufflepuff was the most likely to win the Cup. Nobody cared that no matter how this game ended, it probably wouldn´t change the end result for Hufflepuff had already beaten Ravenclaw easily and a Gryffindor victory over the House of the Badger was nearly impossible. Slytherin might have better chances, but they often failed in the final game because they took it too seriously.

All this was unimportant now.

Gryffindor and Slytherin, whose rivalry dated back almost to the Founding, were facing each other again and like every year, that was the unofficial highlight of the Quidditch season at Hogwarts.

The air at the Gryffindor and Slytherin stands was so thick with tension that you could´ve shredded it into pieces. The teams equalled each other in skill, therefore their teamwork and luck would decide the outcome.

Having arrived at the Gryffindor stands, Stella looked around, eyes shining. Her former indifference was gone. She soaked up the atmosphere with joy and was reminded of the Quidditch games she had seen in the past. Her favourite team, the Glasgow Griffins usually made a very captivating performance and Stella expected this game to be similarly enthralling.

And it was. The players were shooting through the air like Auror hexes and the Unofficial Quote of Spectacular Moves beat the former one by miles. Formations like cut out from Quidditch for Professionals could be seen and Stella would have termed it a `bloody brilliant´ game if it hadn´t been for the outcome.

A collective rustling went through the stands as the two Seekers, Patrick Lynch and Slytherin´s Sean Wraith suddenly dived, speeding to the ground like two peregrine falcons or like a green and a scarlet blur, un-poetically said.

Lily and Stella followed the boys with narrowed eyes, holding back their breath. It was going to be close. Very close.

Above the Seekers, the rest of their team-members were continuing to play, but only half-heartedly, since everyone wanted to see the showdown.

Just a fraction of a second later, a green-clad figure rose high into the air with a triumphant yell, leaving Patrick Lynch with an angry expression on his face behind. The Gryffindor Seeker made an angry move with his clenched fist to vent his frustration about having been beaten so narrowly. Slowly, scarlet-robed players started to descend around him, looking tired and resigned while half of the school was cheering and the Slytherin Team was about to choke their Seeker with their displays of affection.

"Quite uncharacteristic for the Slytherins to react that emotionally, isn´t it?" Stella commented, not without envy about their success in her voice.

Lily shot her an amused glance. "You forget that two-thirds of the Slytherin Team are girls," she pointed out significantly. "Sean Wraith might be only a third-year now, but he´s very promising, both skill- and looks-wise."

"Now you are talking like my old Auntie Melina," Stella grinned crookedly. "She´s always making predictions like this about me and my cousins."

Lily frowned, not liking to be compared to some unknown old woman. "Well, I´m telling you the truth," she argued mutinously. "He is handsome and a good Quidditch player to boot. By the way, I noticed you didn´t applaud when he caught the Snitch," she remarked with raised eyebrows, having Stella´s previous `showing respect for the opponents´ skill´ - attitude in mind.

Stella gave her a huge, false smile that showed her annoyance at being reminded of this now.

"Yeah. You know, I´d rather congratulate him personally," she said and in the very same moment, she could´ve smacked herself for having done so.

"Ah, I bet you won´t have the courage to do that," Remus, who had been listening to their conversation, put in and flashed an obnoxious grin.

True, Stella hadn´t planned to congratulate Wraith, but now her reputation was in question.

"Damn," she swore quietly while shooting both Lily and Remus a dark look.

After all, Sean Wraith was older than her, a Slytherin and probably had a fan club now that would follow him around when he wasn´t in his common room. Which meant she would have to address him directly in some corridor and congratulate him while everyone else around would be listening. Oh dear.

She had put herself straight into the lion´s den. Or serpent´s nest, in that case.

Seeing Stella´s apparent discomfort, Lily added, softening a little, "Don´t look like this, Remus and I will accompany you." She nudged him in the ribs as he tried to object. "You will just have to say `Congrats.´ Or whatever and we´ll all be gone. Okay?"

Still not convinced that this would be that easy, Stella gave in and nodded resignedly.

"But if any of the Slytherins tries to attack me then, you will have to defend me because I will be too busy coming up with odes about Mr. Super Star Seeker," she warned them.

Lily, who was very well aware of her own Charms talent, gave her a mock-offended `Hey, it´s me!´-look and Remus merely commented, grinning, "If you refrain from calling him that, everything will be fine."

A doubtful sniff was all that he got back.

As they descended to the dungeons, Stella couldn´t help but thinking that whole Slytherin House would probably appear every second and that she would have to congratulate their Seeker in front of all of them. Her intestines felt as if they were dancing some wild tribal ritual dance and Stella was beginning to feel decidedly queasy of nervousness when suddenly her ears picked up the sound of dozens of feet stomping on the stone flooring.

Uh-oh.

Stella, Lily and Remus didn´t know exactly where the Slytherin common room was, but they assumed that the Slytherins were going to pass through this corridor in order to get there. They had been right. Cheerful voices could be heard as the Slytherins were coming nearer and then surprised and irritated noises resonated as the whole flood of them was stopped by three little Gryffindor second-years. At first, Stella wanted to press herself against the wall and try not to get noticed, but Lily and Remus pushed her in front of the crowd, which was being led on by the Star Of The Day Sean Wraith. He surveyed Stella with an inquiring expression in his eyes while the people beside him started to snigger and throwing snide remarks at Stella´s head. She was disoriented by the increasing buzzing of the crowd and therefore attempted to concentrate on the Slytherin Seeker´s face instead, ordering herself firmly to stop trembling.

"Be calm. Be cool. And START TALKING, IN HELL!" she told herself and a second later, she gave Sean Wraith a dazzling smile.

"Congratulations on catching the Snitch," she said pleasantly, her year-long practise of hiding nervousness and fear of others steadying her voice. "Your final move was worth a Golden Broomstick."

Sean grinned appreciatively. The Golden Broomstick was an annual award for the best Quidditch move world-wide and it was considered to be the highlight of a professional Quidditch player career to obtain one.

"Well, maybe not quite yet," he responded, miraculously choosing to ignore the sniggering house-mates behind him. "But thank you anyway."

Relieved at his friendly response, Stella was just about to step aside, when Lucius Malfoy spoke up.

"It just shows how poorly Gryffindor plays when you have to some to congratulate a Slytherin on his performance. Lack of opportunity in your House Team, Decartier, isn´t there?" he remarked and earned laughter at both his sides.

Stella had put her obligatory red-and-gold tie away before facing Sean, hoping that no-one would realize which House exactly she belonged in. But trust Malfoy to announce it openly.

"In case you haven´t noticed, Malfoy, Gryffindor was in the lead before the Snitch was caught and may I remind you that the forty points Slytherin had had at that moment hadn´t been a result of your oh-so-superb Chaser skills," she replied as haughtily as she could, ignoring Lily´s and Remus´ warning tugging at her sleeve.

"She´s right, actually," Narcissa Salinger, another Slytherin Chaser spoke up unexpectedly, turning to Lucius with a scowl as she went on. "You did practically nothing throughout the whole game except for bragging about your new broomstick. Which isn´t nearly as magnificent as you would want it to be," she said, her smirk giving her words a double meaning.

Lucius jumped as if he had been stung by a scorpion. "You will take that back at once," he hissed, eyes blazing at the injury his manly pride had just taken.

"So much for House loyalty," Stella thought as she saw the Slytherin sneers focusing on Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa instead of her, allowing the three Gryffindors to slip away quietly.

They didn´t notice that another person had followed their example until they heard a voice behind them.

"Thanks for creating a distraction," Sean said, addressing a surprised Stella. "It was getting a bit tiring."

Lily crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Yeah, I´m sure that being carried on other people´s arms and generally getting positive reactions from your house-mates must be very hard to endure," she commented drily.

Sean nodded mock-earnestly. "Well, if those positive reactions are bone-crashing hugs and the house-mates you are receiving them from are of 200 pounds calibre, then it does get a little...um, unpleasant, believe me." He grimaced and the Gryffindors laughed.

"Your name is Decartier?" Sean asked Stella abruptly and it took her a second to focus on his question instead of laughing.

"What? Er, yeah, I think," she stuttered and caught herself at Lily´s and Remus´ peculiar glances. "I mean, yes. I´m Stella Decartier. Why?"

Sean looked at her thoughtfully. "Are you related to Luke Decartier, by any chance?"

"He´s my father," Stella replied, giving the blond boy a questioning look.

"And a colleague of my father, for your information," Sean explained. "That´s why I thought I knew your name."

"Aha," Stella answered out of lack of something intelligent to say and the four of them lapsed into an awkward silence.

Since neither Lily nor Remus seemed eager to begin a new topic of conversation, she cleared her throat and half-muttered that they had better be going now.

Nodding them good-bye, Sean Wraith turned around to disappear in a nearby corridor while the three Gryffindors started towards their Tower.

"Well," Remus commented meditatively. "That was... interesting."

This time, he got two doubtful sniffs in response.

*1995*

Apart from that weird vision at breakfast, it had been a rather enjoyable day, Sirius thought while changing into his pyjamas. They had played Quidditch and he had enjoyed flying a broom after such a long time. Smiling at the image of Harry chasing the Snitch, Sirius drifted off into sleep.

And dreamed.

Remus was gazing at him, his clear grey eyes full of worry and concern. That irritated Sirius. A lot. Both Remus and Stella had kept looking at him like this ever since they had been told about the Fidelius Charm and about him being Secret-Keeper. That had been two days ago and their behaviour was starting to freak him out. The ritual would be performed at the end of the week and they were already acting as if he was in constant mortal danger and going to drop dead any second.

But maybe they wouldn´t even mind that much if you did, said an unpleasant little voice in the back of his mind. They would still have each other, wouldn´t they?

"Stop it. You are wrong. They are my friends and Stella is in love with me. Me, not him. Do you understand me?" Sirius thought back furiously and tried to ban the voice out of his brain.

Without success.

Oh, I understand you alright. But do you understand the situation, too? Are you sure you are trusting the right people?

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth. It simply wouldn´t let him alone. Over the past few days, he had become full of doubt. He was suspecting his best friends! The people he loved most in the world! How could he even consider the thought that they would betray him? They wouldn´t do that. They simply wouldn´t. But even to his own ears, the arguments sounded weak.

Remus had noticed Sirius´ discomfort, of course. He attempted to calm him down by putting a hand on his shoulder soothingly, but he shrank back as Sirius jerked himself away, glaring at him. Remus met his friend´s angry eyes with his own anxious gaze. This irritated Sirius even more. Was Remus afraid of him? Why? Who was the one with superhuman werewolf strength here? Unless...unless he was afraid of what he was going to tell him... to confess.

No! He had to stop those ridiculous thoughts. With an effort, Sirius calmed down and let the tension in his shoulders ease a little.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked coolly.

Remus winced at the cold undertone in his friend´s voice. He didn´t seem to understand why Sirius had been so hostile over the past few days. But being Remus, he probably thought that this was Sirius´ way to handle the tension and nervousness he felt about the upcoming Fidelius Ritual.

"Look, Padfoot," he began hesitantly. "I have thought the whole Fidelius business over and I think it would be better if I was the Secret-Keeper." He saw Sirius eyes flashing at his words and continued quickly, "It´s only logical. You seem like the obvious choice and the Death Eaters will go after you straight away as soon as they know what´s going on. Hiding you will be a problem, too. You´ve got a whole organisation to run. Me, on the other hand... I could hide somewhere in, say, Romania in some werewolf clan where nobody would find me..."

While a part of Sirius knew that Remus wanted only the best for his friend and wanted to thank him for his consideration, an entirely different part of him emerged, the part that had led his thoughts only rarely, but was gaining more and more power these days and filling up his mind now.

"Romania, eh?" Sirius said derisively, images of the past whirling through his brain.

Images featuring Remus and Stella, studying Romanian together, telling wolf-jokes, comparing the size of their fangs in their animal form, laughing when communicating through growling when nobody outside their little circle was around...

He hadn´t minded in the past, he had been oblivious to their closeness and private jokes. After all, Stella and him shared private jokes as well and he couldn´t say that her displays of affection towards him were rare. But still... there was some sort of doubt, of suspicion growing in his mind that didn´t go away.

And that wasn´t everything. By no means. Sirius had realized that most of the past Black Star operations against the Death Eaters that Remus had commanded had failed. Either the Death Eaters were already prepared for an attack or a spy or some valuable tool went missing or spells went wrong...

True, Black Star was only in its beginnings and quite a few missions with other commanders went wrong, but this didn´t assuage Sirius´ suspicion about his friend´s loyalty. The only person in front of whom he could voice his doubts was Peter. James and Lily wouldn´t believe him for sure and he was positive that Stella would take his head off if he dared to accuse her darling Remus of anything Dark. Wormtail, on the other hand, sympathized with him. Sirius had requested that Peter should, too, belong into the group of non- Black Star employees who knew about most of their actions. Stella had accepted James, Lily and Dumbledore readily, but she wasn´t so enthusiastic about him. However, Sirius had argued that Peter was their friend as well and could contribute with his advice and inconspicuous Animagus form.

Sirius shook his head, not taking his eyes off Remus´ face. "No. James asked me to do it. And," he continued, his voice irritable once more," I don´t know why everyone doubts my competency about being Secret-Keeper. Hell, I am one of the Heads of a spying organisation. I can hide. And find me somebody who´s better in Defence against the Dark Arts than me."

He could see on Remus´ face that his friend was fighting back the urge to say `Me.´ And he would have been right, for that matter, but Sirius didn´t care. All he cared about at the moment was to be alone. He didn´t want to see anyone right now. Remus noticed it, he always noticed everything, after all. Apparently, it had finally got to him that Sirius simply wouldn´t let him be Secret-Keeper for James and Lily. With a last unhappy glance at his friend, he silently left the room.

Trying to ignore the pang of guilt that had hit him at the expression in Remus´ eyes, Sirius lay down on his bed and attempted to sort out his feelings. He was swept over by genuine fear. Whom should he trust if he couldn´t have faith even in his best friends? What was happening to him? Why was he suddenly so full of suspicion?

"Damn you, Voldemort," Sirius thought furiously. "Damn you for making times so dark that I´m starting to doubt those who are closest to me. Damn you..."

The image of his room blurred slightly and suddenly, another memory appeared in his dreams. Another face...

The expression of worry and concern was the same as Remus´ had been, but instead of grey eyes, Sirius was now looking into swirling pools of brown and green.

"I hate to leave now," Stella said miserably. "I just wish I could stay and..."

Sirius interrupted her with a shake of his head. "No," he said firmly. "You have to go. There is no-one competent enough to command that mission. It´s too complicated. And I´ll manage just fine here."

"But...," Stella´s worry hadn´t ceased a bit. "This can take me up to two weeks and I won´t be accessible the whole time! Who knows what will happen at that ritual. I have a very bad feeling about this, love. I should stay and support you."

Sirius only waved a hand. "No, you just go and kick some Dark asses, okay? Do your job there and I´ll do mine here. Everything will be alright."

But his little speech didn´t lighten up Stella´s mood at all. However, she seemed to decide that Sirius wouldn´t change his mind about seeing this through alone. With a resigned sigh, she remarked, "Well, I´ll be going now. Don´t want to keep the others waiting."

She frowned as he didn´t show any reaction. "Sirius?" she raised her voice slightly. "I am leaving."

He still had the images of her and Remus on his mind and was therefore not in the mood of extended and emotional good-byes. Standing up, he embraced her shortly and brushed her cheek with his lips in a quick motion, muttering `Good luck.´

Without looking at her, he sensed that he was hurting her with his remoteness, but he couldn´t bring himself to anything more loving. Not after all those doubtful thoughts he had had, not after the talk he had had with Remus.

Stella´s billowing dark cloak was the last thing he saw before the door closed after her.

This had been the last time he had seen her in person. He would spend years regretting his behaviour. Regretting that he hadn´t taken her in his arms and that he had let her go. That he hadn´t kissed the wind out of her. That he had spent the last moments with the woman he loved at a distance that had hurt them both.

Why did he have to trust exactly the wrong people? Why did he let his petty unfounded jealousy overcome him? Why?

Sirius woke up with a start, breathing heavily. He was trembling with guilt and despair. It was his fault. His. If only he had had faith in those who had never deceived him...

Groaning, he pressed his face against his cushion and attempted to ban the all-too-vivid images out of his mind. Those two scenes had belonged to his most frequent nightmares in Azkaban. And they still did.

The growing lump in Sirius´ throat threatened to choke him. He knew that tears would be a relief, but he couldn´t cry. His eyes had dried out in Azkaban, the Dementors having sucked out everything that could bring relief to his pained soul, even tears. Curling up into an embryonic position, Sirius tried to ignore the dull ache of guilt that pressed against his chest.

Guilty...

He wanted to dive into the relieving blackness of dreamless sleep.

Guilty...

What would he give for a Dreamless Sleep Draught?

Guilty...

Sirius let out a hopeless moan that strongly resembled a yelp of a desperate, lost dog. The echoing sound of that dreaded word in his head wouldn´t leave him alone.

Guilty.