Rising from Embers

RISING FROM EMBERS
by shiiki

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CHAPTER FOURTEEN

A Pivotal Moment

June, 1977

The end of the year was coming. Gryffindor won the Quidditch finals. James and Sirius saw their names on the Hogwarts Quidditch trophy for the last time. Both knew that it was going to be the last game they played in a long while.

The seventh-years received their exam timetables, along with a short letter informing them that they would have to go to the Wizarding Examinations Board Headquarters in London to take their N.E.W.T.s.

The common room was a flurry of revision. First-years panicked over the thought that they’d be expelled if they failed (it was a common delusion among all first-years). Fifth-years panicked about their O.W.L.s. The seventh-years might have panicked over their N.E.W.T.s, only with Voldemort out in the world, its importance was diminished. There was an unspoken common goal among them – fight Voldemort first. Everything else, later.

Perhaps, in another lifetime, they might have had a more promising future. Who knew which of them might have the chance to be a famous wizarding musician; a Quidditch star; an acclaimed wizarding author … Now, they were standing on the edge of a crevasse, ready to tumble down any moment as they geared up for battle.

They were a generation putting their dreams on hold to join the fight in the war raging outside their school.

~ * ~

The N.E.W.T.s spanned over two weeks. On the first of June, the seventh-years took the Hogwarts Express to London. They registered themselves at the Wizarding Examinations Board Headquarters at the Ministry of Magic that very evening, and settled into the dormitories where they would be staying for the duration of the exam. Their accommodation was, Lily considered, a far cry from the comfort they had always enjoyed at Hogwarts. Whilst the dormitories were clean and neat, they were plain and gave off the message that they were only temporary. Five to a room, boys and girls separately, and they were grouped by alphabetical order, along with private or foreign students. Lily was number eight, and therefore found herself with Stella Engle, two Hufflepuffs and a Spanish girl.

The boys had less favourable rooming arrangements, however. Remus, of course, would be fine anywhere you put him, but James and Sirius were less easy-going. Barely five minutes into their stay, Chris Berguise and a Ravenclaw boy already had to pull Sirius and Slytherin Quidditch captain Theseus Baddock away from a duel. And James and Peter were rooming with Severus Snape. No matter how James had changed over the past year, it was still a volatile arrangement, and Lily hoped they would survive the week. When the Gryffindors came together for dinner, she noticed that James looked a little messier than usual, and Snape’s ears, though he was too far away to tell properly, seemed to be twitching quite a bit.

As far as she knew, James and Snape hadn’t come to blows or curses in the recent past – certainly they had maintained a tense civility every time she saw them in contact. She was fairly certain that James hadn’t sought out Snape to make trouble for over a year now. But Lily figured that there was probably more to it than what she could observe, and decided for the first time that maybe she’d be better staying out of it after all.

They had their first exam, Potions, on Tuesday. Just as during their O.W.L.s, the theory paper was conducted in the morning, with the practical following in the afternoon. Wednesday was History of Magic and Muggle Studies. Lily, James, and Peter took neither, and spent the morning quizzing Sirius (Lily suspected after the session that he knew more about Muggle transportation than she). Remus returned in the afternoon, and he and Lily hit the books together for Thursday’s exams.

Lily felt she’d managed her Arithmancy exam on Thursday morning well, and they took over James and Peter’s dormitory in the afternoon to study Charms, as the other boys rooming with them were taking their Ancient Runes exam.

At the end of the first week of exams, nobody really wanted to spend all weekend in the dormitories studying, so they took their notes to Diagon Alley and revised in Florean Fortescue’s.

The last week of exams started off with Defence Against the Dark Arts. Lily began to count down the days to the end. Transfiguration on Wednesday, Herbology on Thursday. No one took Divination, meaning there would be a full day on Friday for them to celebrate.

The final few days were tough ones. Lily felt that the successful production of a Patronus during the Defence practical might secure her an Exceeding Expectations at least in the subject. However, she was less confident in the Transfiguration exam, where she had been stumped by a particularly tricky theory question. Herbology was not her strong point, and she struggled with the last paper, trying to keep the properties of the magical plants she’d studied straight in her mind.

And finally, when they completed a long three hours in the Wizarding Examinations Board Greenhouse, it was over! The end of the exams brought a mixture of euphoria and apprehension – they had taken their N.E.W.T.s, and though that signified the conclusion of formal schooling, it meant that the time for them to leave Hogwarts was nearer than ever before.

And after we leave … Lily thought with a shiver, but dared not complete that thought.

After their final Herbology exam, Sirius suggested they roam Muggle London for a pub. Feeling a little high at the thought that their exams were over, they did so, and James got spectacularly drunk, to Sirius’s (and Peter’s, as he had taken care not to exceed his limit, and was pleased not to be the butt of the joke for once) amusement, and Remus and Lily’s chagrin.

They returned to Hogwarts the night N.E.W.T.s was officially over. The Hogwarts Express left King’s Cross at eleven – only at night, instead of in the morning. Lily couldn’t shake off the thought that she would never be catching the train from platform nine-and-three-quarters again; the next time they were on the Hogwarts Express would be their last.

The others fell asleep as the train winded through Scotland. Peter was leaning slightly against Sirius, whose head was lolling forward. Remus was snoozing silently in the opposite corner. James was next to Lily, his eyes closed but his posture straight. Lily wondered if he was really asleep.

‘James?’ she tried softly. His eyes opened and looked at her.

‘Not taking a rest?’ he asked her.

Lily shook her head mutely, and stared out the window. There wasn’t much to see; it was all dark outside.

‘We’re done with school,’ she said quietly. ‘Does that scare you?’

‘Leaving Hogwarts, you mean?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I wish time would slow down now, if you know what I mean? Hogwarts – well, Hogwarts is like home. I can’t imagine leaving it. And yet we’re going to, so soon.’

‘I wish we didn’t have to.’ Lily could feel the tears pricking her eyes as she sighed. It was odd; she rarely cried. ‘We’re going to fight now. It’s – I don’t know. I want to, and yet I’m afraid.’

‘I think we all are, Lily. But we’re going to do it anyway.’

She could hear the wisdom in his voice – it was really something short of a miracle that he’d got so serious and mature in such a short period of time – and she knew what he was saying was what she thought as well deep down inside. Lily leant against his shoulder, thinking about Hogwarts and Gryffindor, and all her seven years at school. Closing her eyes, she remembered a nervous eleven-year-old girl sitting in a train compartment – why, it could even be this very one! – and suddenly a wave of nostalgia hit her.

‘You changed a lot, James, do you know that? And at the same time, not at all.’

‘What do you mean by that?’

‘Remember when we first came to Hogwarts? And we met on this train …’

James laughed. ‘Your first meeting with Sirius.’

‘Yeah.’ Lily smiled, reminiscing. ‘I thought he was awful. And you were awfully nice.’

‘Was I, now? Why couldn’t you have thought that three years later?’

‘Because you were awful then.’

‘Thanks very much. That hurts, you know?’ But his tone was playful. James clearly knew that her opinion had changed.

‘Well, I’m sure you thought I was a bit of a nuisance, getting you into trouble the first time we met.’

‘I was bound to get into trouble sooner or later. Might as well be over a pretty girl.’

Lily sat up and gave him a stern look. ‘You didn’t think that then.’

‘OK. I didn’t. Sorry. But I didn’t think you were a nuisance. Really. I was just …’ James screwed up his face, trying to remember. ‘Just angry at Sirius and his family, you know? Because I had this vengeance against the Dark Arts sort of people.’

‘Is it because of your sister?’

James sat bolt upright. Remus, as though sensing the movement, snorted in his sleep.

‘Who told you about my sister?’ In the dim light, his face seemed to be set in stone. His voice was tight and fierce, and Lily felt a chill at how much anger he still seemed to hold inside him.

‘Hagrid. He – he didn’t say much, though. Just that you had one, and she died.’ James was silent, and Lily sensed that he didn’t want to talk about it. ‘Never mind,’ she said, ‘I know it hurts.’ She thought of Petunia, and how they hadn’t spoken for months, how Petunia was probably pretending now that Lily didn’t exist. When she left Hogwarts, she was going to find Petunia, she decided. It couldn’t just end between them like that.

‘Lily?’ James finally said.

‘Yeah?’

‘Do you want to hear about her?’ His tone was reluctant. Lily knew he would explain things to her if she asked, but he was hoping not to have to. Not now.

‘It’s OK. You don’t have to. Not until you’re ready.’

James smiled and closed his hand over hers briefly. A soft squeeze – Lily understood it as a ‘thank you’, and he let go – not holding on for longer than necessary, not taking advantage of the moment. Still respecting her. Lily found herself wondering again if she could actually give him what he sorely wanted, but would not ask for.

Not until you’re ready. James’s face seemed to echo her own words back at her.

Lily was surprised to search herself and find that maybe she was ready.

~ * ~

The last prefect meeting was held a week before they were to leave school for ever. There wasn’t much to discuss: simple end-of-term matters, brief notes about prefect duty in the last weeks of school, some friendly discussion about who might succeed the Head Boy and Girl. All the same, the hour flew by, and then Lily suddenly found that the last meeting she would preside over as Head Girl of Hogwarts had come to a close.

James stood at the end of it all, and looked around the room.

‘I’ve got something to say to all of you,’ he said slowly. ‘It won’t take long.’

The other prefects watched him expectantly. Cassius Meliflua’s icy eyes were disdainful, and he looked very much as though he would like to walk out, but James met his cold gaze with a fiery one, and he remained seated.

‘I know at the start of the year, none of you wanted me standing here. To tell the truth, I didn’t want myself here either. I don’t know if I’ve convinced any of you that I should still be standing here, but I’m proud that I’ve at least survived my term. I’ve really tried to do my best, and I know everyone knows that. I want to thank you – Remus, Chris, Dionysus – the three of you should have had the chance to be in my position, but you put aside your resentment to help me.’ He glanced at Meliflua briefly; the Slytherin made no mention of James’s omission, but glared back with stony eyes.

‘Next year you sixth-years will take our place. Benjy, Bernard, Anthony … Evan –’ he nodded towards each of them in turn, although he hesitated a bit over the Slytherin prefect, ‘I don’t know which of you will be Head Boy. The same goes for the girls. But I know whoever it is will probably do a marvellous job because I have faith in Dumbledore’s choices.

‘The lot of us seventh-years is going to leave Hogwarts shortly. We won’t be able ignore the world out there any more, and we shouldn’t. I know I’m going to do my part. And I hope all of you will help me too.

‘Er …’ he faltered then, dropping his confident tone, ‘that’s all I have to say.’ He shrugged and looked round again. ‘Thanks again. And thanks, Lily, for being my guide to the job when I first took it.’

He was about to sit down, when Dionysus McKinnon stood and held out his hand.

‘James – you did well this year. Dumbledore wasn’t wrong to choose you after all.’

The boys shook hands, and Lily could tell how much it meant to both of them to realise that.

With a final thank-you and farewell, she concluded her last prefect meeting. Several of her fellow prefects came up to her before leaving; Stella Engle gave her a warm hug; she shook hands Chris Berguise; Mareta Quimble whispered, ‘You did a good job, Lily;’ even a Slytherin prefect – fifth-year Estella Crouch – graced her with a cool nod and a quick smile.

She and James were the last to leave the room again. He watched as she put out the lights and closed the door behind them.

‘Our last meeting,’ she said.

‘I can’t say I’ll miss being Head Boy, actually,’ said James frankly. ‘I was always scared I’d screw up and do it all wrong. I mean – what was Dumbledore thinking? Sirius and I hold the records for the most number of detentions in the school!’

‘I think he knew that this year, someone who could change was needed,’ she told him. ‘And you proved him right.’

James met her eyes gratefully. ‘Do you really think so?’

Lily nodded firmly, studying his face carefully as she did so. His expression now was particularly endearing: his hazel eyes were hopeful, with a hint of pride; his mouth lopsidedly half-smiling; there was a slight twitch of his nose. ‘I’m glad he did choose you,’ she murmured, so softly that he had to lean forward slightly to hear.

‘Thank you,’ James replied, just as quietly. He reached out a hand to touch her cheek gently, and Lily’s breath caught in her throat. She was so close to him now. Impossibly close. Watching the parting in his mouth, her heart fluttering as she imagined him bridging that tiny distance between them. She wasn’t blinking, she was barely breathing. His mind went hurtling back almost a year, to when they’d stood like this in the corridors, before he’d moved away to give her space. But what if now …

Her thoughts were in a whirl. If this happened, things would change irreversibly between them. For the better? For the worse? Dare she take that step?

Whoever had said that love took courage was right. Especially now, when the world was so uncertain. She wanted to love him – but there was still that fear, making her hesitate, preventing her from moving forward. She’d lost her parents; she’d lost Aura. There was no limit to how much a person could lose.

James’s voice was barely a croak. ‘Can I …?’

It was a question of more than just a simple kiss. He would need to know if she could love him in return. Love him. James was looking at her, more hesitant each moment that she remained undecided. If she moved away, he would let her go, and say nothing about it. He would never press her for anything. He loved her.

He loved her.

And Lily realised that perhaps her heart had already made the leap of faith and chosen for her.

In response, she leaned forward, slowly, nervously, closing the distance between them. There was a split second of shivery anticipation, a second when she could feel the warmth radiating from James’s mouth before it captured hers.

It was everything she’d dreamt of, and yet everything she feared at the same time. Soft and gentle, but electrical and jolting. It was perfection – in that one kiss, she felt home. It gave her strength, bolstered her courage.

Lily found, in that one kiss, that she was brave enough to love James.

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A/N: Yes, I know some of you might have objections to the N.E.W.T.s being held in London. I just thought that the Great Hall was going to get pretty darn crowded if it had to be used simultaneously for O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s.

And yes, the title was shamelessly stolen from Faith Hill's This Kiss.