WTV's Garbage Diggers

WTV's Garbage Diggers

Ron:

Welcome to WTV's Garbage Diggers! The show where we dig through the wizarding worlds garbage. One trash can at a time while we uncover the amusing, the weird, the dark and the downright nasty things people try to hide. We're your host Ron Weasley, Thaaaaaaaaaats ME! And Harry Potter, 'Ol scar boy right next to me.

Harry:

Gee Ron, thanks. Today we will be digging through the garbage at Hermione Granger's flat. We managed to collect a personal profile on Hermione.

Ron:

Hermione is tall with bushy brown hair. She is very studious and competitive. At one point she dated Viktor Krum but is now dating yours truly, ME! *Ron does a victory dance*. She was top student at Hogwarts and is our best friend. Hermione's interests include reading, shopping, punching Malfoy, threatening Rita Skeeter, studying, chick nights and dancing.

Harry:

Chick nights... *eye twitch*

Ron:

Yes. Very scary.

Harry:

Now that we're through with that....

Ron:

Want me to say it?

Harry:

Uh sure... *Images of chick nights flash through his mind*

Ron:

Let's get digging!! *Jumps into trash* Hey Harry! Come and join me! It's all nice and trashy!

Harry:

Chick nights... Must... escape!

Ron:

Fine. If you won't come willingly... I'll make you come! *Pushes Harry in*

Harry:

Uh... Thanks... Ooh! Lookie here! A receipt for... PICKLED FROG LEGS! Ewww... This isn't France!

Ron:

Yuck! Look at this... It's facial hair remover!

Harry:

What?! Well you should know, You kiss her!

Ron:

No... She doesn't have facial hair... At least I hope not...

Harry:

Oh. What's this? Oomph! Its heavy, Wowsas, it's a whole book on how to make fire! I could use this! I've had the hardest time lighting these candles at home.

Ron:

Why would she need that? She's muggle born.

Harry:

The female mind works in strange and mysterious ways.

Ron:

Too true.

Harry:

Oh Ron... I found some more cake!

Ron:

What? cake? ME WANT CAKE!!

Harry:

Good boy *pats on head* Oooh shiny box...

Ron:

*dreamy voice* Cake... shiny box, its pretty. I want to touch it.

Harry:

*opens box* What the... AHHHH!!! *Crookshanks jumps out and starts attacking Harry's face* AHH! CROOKSHANKS!! AHH!! THE PAIN!!

Ron:

*Is oblivious* Cake...

Harry:

Get off you dumb/fat/lazy cat! *Crookshanks jumps off Harry's face causing him to fall into the trash* Ah! It burns!

Ron:

No more cake. Tear tear. That makes me sad.

Harry:

Wahh!! I got a boo boo!

Ron:

My Boo... Love that song! Well, I have no more cake. Heres a bag full of- *Has a horrified look on face*

Harry:

A bag of what Ron? *Looks in bag, horrified expression appears on face*

Both:

AHHHHHH!!! FEMININE NAPKINS!! PADS!!

Ron:

Take it away! Take it away!

*Ron and Harry sit in garbage petrified*

Producer:

Excuse us as we take a short commercial break while Ron and Harry take a brief therapy session.

Therapist:

I understand you two went through a horrifying ordeal today

Ron & Harry:

Yes...

Therapist:

I am here to help you through this dark and difficult time.

Ron:

Cake... must have my cake...

Therapist:

I am your friend. You should not be afraid to tell me anything. Tell me my children, what happened?

Harry:

It was a bag...

Therapist:

A bag of what Harry?

Harry:

P- P- Pa - Oh its too awful!

Ron:

Pads! *Shrieks like a little girl*

Therapist:

Oh my! That is awful. Just remember, everyday when you wake up. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "I am beautiful. And no one can tell me different."

*Ron and Harry stare at the therapist*

Therapist:

And don't forget to give yourself a great big hug!

*More staring*

Therapist:

Bye bye!

Producer:

And now we're back to WTV's Garbage Diggers! Now that therapy's over.

Harry:

Hey we're back! Therapy was kind of scary but that's okay.

Ron:

Now to continue rummaging through Hermione Granger's garbage!

Harry:

Garbage garbage! I love garbage! Sing it with me!

Ron:

Um no. And I thought I was crazy! Well here is a melted cauldron and it stinks. That's strange Hermione has never melted a cauldron before. I wonder what she's been up to...

Harry:

Um Ron, I think you better read this. It's a letter. A letter from Malfoy.

Ron:

WHAT!! I'll get that *Bleeps out word* for messing with my girl!

Harry:

Deep breaths Ron. Breathe in, breathe out, in, out.

Ron:

Okay. I'm good. I'm over it. *Is in denial*

Harry:

Good. Here's a monopoly board game. Nothing too strange there...

Ron:

What's Monopoly?

Harry:

A Muggle board game where you use fake money.

Ron:

Well that's stupid! Who wants to play with fake money?

Harry:

Muggle children enjoy it. It causes many family feuds.

Ron:

PEE YOU!! That smells!

Harry:

What? Me? What are you talking about?

Ron:

Perfume. Sort of smells like cake.

Harry:

Um okay. Oh GASP! Was Hermione lying to us all these years?

Ron:

About what?

Harry:

Quidditch!

Ron:

What about it?

Harry:

She has an issue of Quidditch Weekly!

Ron:

GASP! I though she hated it! Wait, that might be mine.

Harry:

Oh. Really?

Ron:

Really. Hey, Here's a list of guys from Hogwarts who Hermione has classified in the "Hot" category. Oh goody! I'm on here!

Harry:

So am I! YES!

Ron:

I'm so sexy! *Strikes a pose*

Hermione:

RON!! HARRY!! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN MY GARBAGE??

Harry:

Uh... RUN!!

Ron:

Well that's the end of our show! Join us next week as we go through the garbage of Gilderoy Lockheart!

Harry:

So long! Now we have to avoid being cursed into oblivion!

*Hermione runs after Ron and Harry with her wand ready like a rabid chipmunk*