Rating:
G
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Lucius Malfoy Lord Voldemort
Genres:
Humor
Era:
Multiple Eras
Stats:
Published: 01/04/2003
Updated: 01/04/2003
Words: 912
Chapters: 1
Hits: 466

Writer's Block - The Evil Overlord's Guide to Maniacal Laughter

Severusly Rickmantastic

Story Summary:
Once upon a time there was a REAL dark lord, lord petit-mort. He (literally) had his wicked way with people by shafting them with powerful, penetrating spells that left them gasping on the floor for days whilst he robbed them blind. This noble bloke shamelessly stole from the rich to make himself richer until notoriously dumped by his do-gooder "acquaintance" Albus Diddy-dic- er Dumbledore. Sneak a look into his best selling book, with applications demonstrated by Lord Voldemort.
Chapter Summary:
Once upon a time there was a REAL dark lord, lord petit-mort. He (literally) had his wicked way with people by shafting them with powerful, penetrating spells that left them gasping on the floor for days whilst he robbed them blind.
Posted:
01/04/2003
Hits:
466
Author's Note:
For Amy, who is rickmantastic

Writer's block - quick one-shots in every flavour. A risk with every mouthful.

Part One:

The Evil Overlord's Guide to Maniacal Laughter, A Do-it-yourself Handbook by Lord Petit-Mort.

A spin-off from The Bludgers of Life in which Lucy smirks, Voldie is clueless and innuendo flies about like confetti.

*

"I just don't understand, Lucy. I thought we finally had that Potter brat but then - oh, I'm such a failure. Nobody loves me," Voldie sobbed, blowing his nose loudly on a frilly, cologne scented hanky.

"Don't get so worked up, love, I've bought you a present."

"You did?" Voldie smiled weakly. "Is it a -"

"No."

He smirked. "A-"

"No, it's a book."

"A trashy one?"

"Maybe - here...It came by post - I haven't had a chance to look at it yet."

Lucy held up a slim, leather-bound volume and passed it to Voldie.

"The Evil Overlord's Guide to Maniacal Laughter, A Do-it-yourself Handbook by Lord Petit-Mort," Voldie read, pursing his lips. Resting the book on a nearby teapot, he delicately buttered a crumpet and propped his feet up on a footstool. Lucy, who was polishing his collection of silver teapot cufflinks, sniggered appreciatively.

"What?" asked Voldie, raising his eyebrows. Lucy just winked and went back to topping the teapots.

"No really, what?" Voldie shrugged, licked his finger, turned over the flyleaf and began to read out loud.

"Introduction, by Lord Petit-Mort.

Some critics have labelled this book as 'the ultimate rant of a jealous ex-lover' and, 'remarkable only for its bad grammar' - to these people I say 'Avada Kedavra'. I'd also like to tell you something Albus - you were crap anyway.

Maniacal Laughter - a rough guide

Manic laughter is the laugh of the happy contented Dark Lord moments before s/he eradicates that annoying hero, Auror or bank manager. Generally practiced by those with a flair for drama, maniacal laughter has been associated with Dark Wizardry and devious behaviour for centuries. Traditionally it has been used to (subtly) hint at sinister motives or events about to take place. I wonder if I'll even bother do that for you Albus. You never listened to me anyway. That's your problem really - so bloody selfish - 'me, me, me' all the time. Grow up, you big smelly giraffe.

One of the finest examples of public maniacal laughter was at the first Quidditch World Cup, 1473. Just before the captain of the Transylvanian team captain released 1000 blood sucking bats from under his cloak, he let out a truly inspiring maniacal laugh, sadly cut short by an ill-timed bludger.

The offending beater spent the next six weeks in hospital after suffering severe blood loss and several hexes to the broomstick. The one that's attached. Incidentally, that's roughly the amount of time you'll be spending in St. Mungo's, Albus, right after I hack off your Quidditch stick with a spoon. Bastard

Maniacal laughter generally takes one of three forms:

  • Mwhahahahahahaha [to be spoken with plenty of emphasis on the 'MWA'. Note that every third 'ha' should be accented]

  • Buahahahahah [a favourite of foreign Dark Wizards - famously uttered by Hans Gruber-mort in the Muggle film 'Die Hard']

  • Tee Hee

Maniacal laughter can also be used as a premise for disposing of errant second-in-commands who don't laugh in the right places. Time was, of course, when you could Avada Kedavra everything in sight (including you, Albus) then bring 'em back with a little necromancy in time for tea (of course not ALL people deserve resurrecting :: cough :: Albus :: cough ::). Now you need bloody European Wizarding Council approval to so much as blow your nose. And even then there'll be a quota for it. Bah!

Situations where maniacal laughter is appropriate; a Dark Wizard may:

  1. Laugh at an opponent when down.

  2. Laugh on full moons. Loudly.

  3. Laugh after declaring details of latest cunning plan to suitably appreciative audience of minions. Anyone not laughing long/hard enough should be promptly fed to a pack of rabid kneazles.

  4. Laugh after attending particularly moving weddings, funerals etc.

NB - laughter is compulsory after declaring cunning plan to victim, and before performing curses. Laughter is not to be performed on Thursdays between 5:31 and 5:32 am or when an opponent is caught with their trousers down. It's just not cricket. Or Quidditch.

Getting the teapot rolling -

Remember, maniacal laughter is essential to every diabolical scheme.

The best place to start practicing your maniacal laugh is when seducing gullible blondes. You should start by using a really witty opening line, then follow it up with an evil laugh (preferably one that will make you sound slightly insane) and a smirk... "

Voldie put his book down thoughtfully. "Lucy, what are you doing to that teapot?"

Lucius looked up. "Do you have some kind of twitch - oh." He blushed then frowned, slightly hurt. "You think I'm gullible?"

"I think you're blonde."

Lucy brightened and batted his eyelashes coyly. Voldie laughed. Manically. He sashayed across to Lucy, wiggling his hips in a most alarming manner. Leaning over, as if to whisper something in Lucy's ear, he grabbed a nearby toasting fork and conked Lucy over the head with it.

"Diabolical scheme number one! Lucy, look it worked...Lucy?"

Lucius was groaning in pain on the floor.

"There's just no pleasing some people, is there?" said Voldie sniffily. "I can tell you now," he added, "there'll be no teacakes for you tonight, mister!" and flounced out of the room.