Wedding Day

Wedding Day

Ron was bloody terrified.

It was just after three P.M. on his wedding day, and the nerves were about to kill him.

Of course, it was fitting that, back at the Burrow, Hermione was looking beautiful, calm and collected. Not a hair was out of place, and her dress was gorgeous. Ginny, Lavender, Parvati, Mrs. Weasley, and Hermione's mother were all completely relaxed and sitting around in Ginny's old bedroom, exchanging stories about husbands, boyfriends, and brothers.

Too bad the same couldn't be said for Ron, Harry, Seamus, Dean, and Neville.

"MY SHIRT!! WHERE IS MY SHIRT??" Harry slid violently across the kitchen floor of his house, which was currently home to four bachelors and one groom-to-be. Mr. Weasley had stopped by early in the morning to see how they were getting on, and had promptly become fascinated with the light switch, oven mitts, and battery-powered race cars. The boys had spent nearly all morning racing them around the ground floor. Harry's house had gorgeous hard-wood floors, perfect for car racing, and also a long hall ending in a spacious living room. Actually, the final course had started in the foyer, went down the long hall, under the couch, around the TV, over the dog (big, black, shaggy and named Sirius), and back down the hall across a strip of toilet paper. The batteries had finally worn out at around 1:30, and Harry had sent Mr. Weasley down into the basement to find more. He had yet to return. Every now and then, through the vents, the boys would hear a shout of "Hey! Harry! Look at all the pipes!" Mr. Weasley had also been fascinated with the furnace, he had tried to climb in for a closer look but Seamus happened to be walking past the door and had rescued him. That's when the boys had realized that they had to be at the church at 3:30, leaving them just under an hour to get ready. Pandemonium ensued.

"I've got you shirt, Harry, but did someone take my underwear?" Seamus questioned. Ron crashed violently out of the bathroom and nearly collapsed with laugher.

"Yeah mate, last night Harry and I got a bit rowdy after you all went to bed and hid it in the freezer," he managed to get out, though it was barely understandable.

"You hid it WHERE??" Seamus yelped, and took off for the kitchen. Harry shrugged on his shirt and gave Ron a mischievous grin and a wink. As he did up the buttons, Dean wandered in, toweling his hair dry and looking perfectly dressed. Ron looked down at his own bare feet and rumpled shirt, with the buttons in the wrong holes, and then back to Dean's impeccably pressed tux and perfectly shined shoes.

"Dean, are you gay?" he asked, and fixed the offending shirt.

"No! What are you talking about you moron?" Dean said, and took a precautionary step back, should Ron decide to jump him or something.

"Then how is it that you always manage to look so damn good? I've never seen you with a hair out of place, you bloody poof!" Ron said with an exasperated sigh.

"Because I actually learned how to dress myself, Ronnikins, and didn't have my mom do it for me up until Hogwarts," Dean replied.

"Up until Hogwarts?" Harry chimed in. "She still dresses him!" They all laughed and Harry wrestled himself into a jacket while Ron looked like he would very much like to strangle him but refrained lest he muss up his shirt. Dean trotted out the front door, saying he would start the car, and the rest resumed getting ready. Neville and Seamus walked in, Seamus a bit awkwardly, but fully dressed, and went to join Dean in the car. Now it was just Harry and Ron left, tugging on their shoes and straightening their ties.

"Got the ring?" Ron asked.

"Right here," Harry replied. A comfortable silence stretched out as they added the finishing touches, until there was nothing left to fix.

"So this is it," Harry said, "the end of our bachelor days."

"Yeah," Ron said, and looked at the ceiling.

"No more bar hopping, no more all-night partying, no more skirts blowing up from mysterious drafts ..." Harry trailed off.

"Yeah..." Ron said, now looking a bit crestfallen. He gave one last uncomfortable tug at his tie and smiled. "But Hermione's worth it," he finished, and they both smiled.

And then Dean beeped the horn, and Harry turned, shouted, "Race you to the car!" and took off, charging gracefully through the house, out the front door, down the walk and into the waiting car. But boy heroes couldn't be bothered by trivial things like doors; he placed a hand on the top of the back door of Dean's convertible, jumped into the air, and hoisted himself in perfect James Bond-style over the barrier and landed with a soft 'oomph' in the backseat.

Ron careened after him, and attempted to jump, like Harry, into the car, but he lost momentum halfway over and landed with a revolting crunch on the door, one leg on either side. His face drained, turning almost as pale as Malfoy's, as his slowly slid off and onto the ground. The other three boys winced in unison.

"Ron?" Neville tried, "Are you ok? Can I get you something?" he asked.

"Yeah," Ron wheezed, "some ice, alcohol, and a priest would be nice."

After a few moments, they managed to get Ron to his feet, to discover they had a bigger problem. Ron's pants had split all down the inseam for at least a foot on either side.

"Oh shit," Seamus said.

"What are we going to do?" Dean said, and nervously ran a hand through his hair. "We have to be at the Burrow in 15 minutes!" Ron groaned and leaned against the car.

"I should have eloped!" he wailed.

"Oh!" Harry's face lit up like Christmas. "I have an idea!" he said, and ran into the house.

"That's a first," Seamus said, and leaned back next to Ron. They all stood out in the front lawn, looking everywhere but at Ron's severed crotch until Harry came running back with a stapler in his hand.

"What's that?" Ron asked, and glared at it warily.

"A stapler!" Harry replied happily. "Now stand up and don't fidget unless you want a piece of metal in your leg," he said, and knelt next to Ron.

"Or somewhere else," Seamus murmured.

"What?" Ran yelped, looking panicked. "I have a wedding night coming up, Harry!"

"Stay still!" was the reply. Harry looked at Ron's pants, then to the stapler, then back.

"Ron," he said seriously, "you'll have to drop your trousers."

"WHAT?" Ron roared, "HERE? IN YOUR FRONT YARD? ARE YOU CRAZY?" His arms whirled hazardously about like windmills; both Dean and Neville were forced to duck lest they wanted to apply for the Headless Hunt.

"Well, you can't really walk inside, now can you?" Harry said with a knowing smile. "So drop them or shut up and go like that."

Ron made a choked, gurgling sort of sound, but he unbuttoned his pants none the less.

"Good. Now shut your eyes and don't move," Harry instructed.

Ron did, and a pained expression took over his face as he tried to ignore Seamus' hand on either side of him, holding his trousers in position for stapling, and his best friend's hands wandering down his pants. Not to mention the cold metal of the stapler against rather sensitive skin. Finally, Harry withdrew his hands, looking rather proud of himself, and proclaimed Ron 'good as new.' Ron sighed, hoisted up his pants and re-buttoned them.

"Thanks mate," he said gratefully and smiled. "I am never, ever getting married again." He took a few steps towards the door, before he yelled in pain and spread his legs as far apart as they would go.

"WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU DO, HARRY?? OWWW!!" he said, rapidly unbuttoning his pants to shove his hands down them.

"I think the staples are poking him, Harry," Neville said, and disguised a laugh as a violent cough, nearly knocking himself over. Seamus threw himself on the ground at the sight of Ron in the middle of the lawn with his hands in his pants and wailing at the top of his lungs. Dean had the good sense to be a bit more subtle, but even he couldn't conceal a smile.

"Don't worry Ron, I have another idea!" Harry said, again sprinting into the house.

"Oh God, not again..." Ron moaned, but Harry was already running back out waving a roll of something silvery in his hand. He skidded to a stop in front of Ron, smiling broadly.

"What's that?" Ron asked feebly.

"Duct tape!" Harry said enthusiastically. "Now drop your pants again!" Ron groaned, but he didn't have the energy or the time to fight with Harry, so he did what he was told. He shut his eyes tight as Seamus again took hold of either side of his pants and Harry applied the sticky tape to the insides of his pants where the staples poked. Unfortunately, Harry kneeling at Ron's feet with his pants dangling off and Seamus with his arms around him did not make for the best of pictures from the other side of the street. Harry's neighbor walked out, took one look at them, and yelled "Well, really! And I thought he was such a nice boy!" then went storming back into her house.

Harry stood back up, his face slightly flushed and smiling embarrassedly. This, of course did nothing for the few boys sitting on a bench across the way, who whistled and cat-called and clapped appreciatively.

Ron winced, and suggested they all leave before Hermione heard of this and refused to marry him.

Surprisingly, they boys were only a few minutes late, and they were ushered into the house by Remus and Mrs. Weasley.

"Harry, Seamus, Dean, Neville, if you could just go with Remus, and help seat people out back? And Ron, dear come with me." She took a closed look at him. "Are you alright dear?" He did look a bit pained, and pale as well, but he assured her he was fine and followed her, slightly awkwardly, from the room.

Remus led the other boys from the room out back, to where a few guests had already begun to seat themselves.

"Harry?" Remus asked. "Where's Ron's dad?"

All the boys gasped.

"MR. WEASLEY!"

Remus laughed

"Say no more. I assume he'll be in the basement, observing the pipes, same as last time?" Remus smiled.

"Uhh, yeah," Harry replied with a guilty grin.

Remus' laughter was all they heard before he disappeared with a 'pop'.

They continued to seat people for a while. All of Ron's brothers arrived, along with Ginny, who had joined Charlie in studying dragons, and the subsequent time spent outside had done her a lot of good. Dean ogled appreciatively until Seamus nudged him, asking him if he was going to impress her with all the flies he must be catching. Harry noted that big families must be a Weasley tradition, as he sat more people with flaming red hair than he had ever seen in his entire life. Half of their year had also turned out, and he was a bit surprised to see Parvati Patil and Dennis Creevey arrive together. Even Draco Malfoy turned up, although Harry wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Eventually Dumbledore strode magnificently over, and announced that it was time for the ceremony to begin. Mr. Weasley and Remus re-appeared, the former looking sheepish and the latter looking smug as hell, but both properly dressed and no batteries in sight.

Harry stood next to Ron, as the best man, and noticed that he did not look quite as elated as he should.

"Ron, what's wrong?" he whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"The bloody duct tape had pulled all the bloody hair out of my bloody thighs."

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A woman in the front row, who was watching the ceremony, poked her husband and pointed up to the front.

"Look, dear," she hissed, "look, the best man looks like he's choking on something! And oh! The groom just stomped on his foot!"

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All through the ceremony, Hermione was aware that Ron looked less than pleased.

"Ron, what's wrong?" she hissed, under her breath. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.

"There's a load of duct tape in my pants."

She nearly left him at the alter.