The Thunder Within

The Thunder Within

By SaveOurSouls

Chapter 2: 'Fear of a Name'

'Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself' spoken by Albus Dumbledore, PS/SS; The Man With Two Faces, page 216

Lily walked hastily towards the girl's dormitories and up the spiral staircase. As soon as she walked in, she fell on her bed in a heap. Talking with Dumbledore had helped a lot, but her anguish was still there. Her thoughts were still in Dumbledore's office; he had told her to contact Petunia about the funeral. It would be a dreary task, but it had to be done. Lily picked up some spare parchment and a quill and began to write. I'd better get it over and done with, she thought to herself.

Petunia,

I'm aware that this is the last thing you want right now, but there's a funeral to plan. You may not want me there, but I loved mum and dad as much as you did.

At this, Lily had to pause. She could feel the tears welling up behind her eyes, but refused to cry. She had done more than enough of that in the past few days.

I don't want us to be fighting at the funeral, Petunia. Ignore me if you must, but let it be a peaceful day, for it would be what they wanted.

Let me know,

Lily

Lily read and re-read the letter. It sounded okay. Petunia, of course, hadn't been on friendly terms with Lily since the letter from Hogwarts telling Lily she was a witch. Nevertheless, Lily still tried to make peace with her elder sister, even though it was in vain. The rest of the school were still in lessons, thankfully. Lily dragged herself up to the Owlery and enlisted one of the school's owls to send the letter to Petunia. She didn't even attempt to lift her feet off the floor, it was more like a shuffle, her head tilted towards the ground as though it hid the answers to all of her problems.

---

"Come on, Lil. You need to rest," Marlene told her gently. Ever since the news of her parents' death, Lily hadn't slept a wink. Lessons were over and Marlene made it her job to get Lily to sleep. Lily was making it very hard, though.

"I know. It's just that every time I close my eyes, I see their faces Mar..." Lily trailed off looking helpless. She shuddered slightly and shook her head, as if trying to throw away the thought.

"Look, Lily. You're going to have to sooner or later. A quick kip won't harm you," Marlene reassured her. Lily definitely needed help; even though she was a strong young woman, some things couldn't be handled alone.

"I'm scared. If I fall asleep I'll see them. Then it will be like they're still alive. And when I wake up, I'll have to go through their deaths all over again," Lily whispered. Her throat was still a bit hoarse, even though she hadn't cried for a while. A strange look dawned on Marlene's face. Wordlessly, she rummaged around her trunk and pulled out a small flask of liquid.

"Here. It's a Dreamless Sleep potion. I got some from Madame Pomfrey when I was having those horrible nightmares last year. There's still some left. It should help," Marlene handed her the flask. Lily's eyes widened slightly. She looked like she was having an internal battle; to take it, or not to take it. Finally, her weariness won over.

"Thanks," Lily mumbled gratefully. She downed it in one gulp, even so, it still tasted repulsive. Almost immediately she began to feel drowsy. Swiftly changing into her pyjamas, she settled into her bed and fell into a dreamless sleep. She wasn't aware that Marlene was still watching her, an expression of sorrow upon her usually cheerful face.

"Oh, Lily," she sighed, also changing into her pyjamas. No doubt, it would be a while before Marlene fell asleep.

---

Lily woke up the next day. Her dreamless slumber had done wonders; Lily felt rested for the first time since the terrible news had reached her. As she sat up in her bed, Lily realised only Marlene was left in the dormitory. The other girls must already be at breakfast. Lily stood up reluctantly and looked at her best friend. A second later the two girls were in a tight embrace.

"You're strong Lily. You'll get through this," her best friend whispered comfortingly. "Just give it time."

"Thanks Mar," Lily whispered back. Lily held onto her best friend like she was her life support. I won't cry, I won't cry, Lily chanted to herself silently. After a few minutes, the two girls broke away slowly.

"Come on. Let's get some breakfast; you look like you haven't eaten in years," Marlene suggested. Lily made a face and gestured to herself. Marlene simply smiled and waved her wand slightly. Lily's rumpled and messy appearance was instantly gone. Her hair looked brushed and her face was fresh. Lily quickly replaced her pyjamas with school robes and followed Marlene down the stairs.

---

James was still half-dead. The rest of the guys had already gone down to the Great Hall, but James had taken his time. On his way down the stairs, he bumped into no one other than Lily, the girl who had occupied his thoughts for hours before he drifted off into sleep last night. James started to apologise, but stopped for some reason.

"Oh, sor-" she began, but didn't finish her sentence either. Lily looked down immediately, as if it was instinct. She still hates me, James thought desperately. After a moment, she raised her head, emerald eyes piercing hazel ones. She stared at him determinedly, as if daring him to say something. James stood silently. He didn't offer her any condolences, he didn't ask her out, he just stood and watched her. His mouth had clamped itself shut and James wasn't sure whether this was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Come on, Lily," a voice called out. With one last look at James, Lily walked away.

"Idiot," James muttered to himself. Sighing, he also made his way to the Great Hall. He reached his seat and sat wordlessly.

"What's up, Prongs?" asked Sirius in a concerned voice. Remus must have given him a swift kick under the table, because a second later Sirius made an apologetic face and turned back to his breakfast. James sighed again, turning his head so that he could see Lily.

"Just leave her alone for a bit James. You mean well, I know, but she needs some space," whispered Moony. He always was the reasonable one. James nodded, indicating he had heard his friend, but didn't tear his eyes away from Lily.

---

Lily on the other hand, was oblivious to James's gaze. In fact, she was pretty much oblivious to everything, except for Marlene talking to her.

'Come on, Lil. We didn't come down here to look at the food, we came down here to eat it!" she exclaimed. Lily half smiled at her friend's antics. "Was that a smile, Lily Evans?"

"Yeah, it was. Thanks," Lily answered. Marlene grinned and turned to her food. At that moment, the post arrived. At first it seemed like Lily hadn't received anything, but a few seconds later, an owl did swoop down and drop a letter in front of her. Lily stared at it and cautiously opened it.

Freak,

I've already planned everything there is to plan, so don't you dare try to ruin this moment for me, the one time I will get to say a proper good bye to my parents without having the limelight stolen from me, by you. I don't want you there at all. As far as I'm concerned, you don't deserve to attend the funeral. You are the only, singular reason, why our parents are both dead, they are dead and I'll hate you for that for eternity. Unfortunately, I've been forced to tell you that the funeral is in two days. If you get here, which I hope to God you don't, I'm sure someone will tell you the circumstances of their deaths if you ask, as I'm certainly not prepared to divulge the details to you. Prepare to spend your time at home in a living nightmare as you definitely won't get any hospitality, or special treatment from me, not like you got from Mum and Dad. One of these days you'll get what's coming to you Lily Evans and I hope you die, you'll deserve it.

The only real Evans left,

Petunia

A cry escaped Lily. And she did the only thing available, which was to run for it. Marlene sighed; just as things were starting to look up a bit, she thought. Grabbing the letter to keep it away from prying eyes, she followed her red haired friend up to the girls' dormitories. Lily was completely unaware that a pair of eyes hadn't left her all through breakfast. And she was also unaware that the owner of those eyes still had her on his mind.

James watched Lily run out of the hall. She had received some post, read it and ran. The Great Hall had been virtually silent through all of this and they hadn't moved. Except for Marlene, of course, who had run to find and comfort her friend. James wished with all his heart that he could follow Lily too, but he didn't move. He knew Lily still hated him and James didn't want to make her feel worse than she already did.

---

Marlene walked in to find Lily sobbing into her pillow. She smiled sadly; this wasn't unexpected. In fact, both Lily and Marlene, though they wouldn't admit it to one another, had been waiting for Petunia's nasty letter.

"Lily?" Marlene said tentatively. Lily didn't move from her position. Marlene sighed and walked over to the bed. She lifted up Lily's head and forced her to sit up. Lily's face was streaked with tears and her eyes were red.

"Why?" asked Lily. Marlene knew what Lily was saying. Why did Petunia have to be such a nasty piece of work? And why does she hate witches so much? But Marlene didn't know the answers to any of those questions, so she just hugged Lily again.

"Come one Lily. You can't let Petunia get to you like this," Marlene whispered to her friend.

"I know. But it's so hard..." mumbled Lily. Marlene tightened her hold on Lily.

"Enough of this. We're going to see Dumbledore. Remember, you told me he said you were welcome there at any time. Well, now is any time. So get up and let's go," Marlene commanded.

She dragged Lily up and both girls made their way to Dumbledore's office. When they reached the gargoyle, Lily gave the password and they met their headmaster. He was seated behind his office, examining extensive scrolls of parchment.

"Ah. Ms Evans, Ms McKinnon. I had a feeling you might come see me," he said, eyes twinkling. "What seems to be the problem?" Wordlessly, Marlene handed him the offending letter, her arm sill around Lily. Dumbledore read it quickly, the twinkle in his light blue eyes dying out slightly.

"Sir, how is it possible she can be so awful? It's not Lily's fault, is it!" Marlene immediately stood up for her friend.

"Of course not, that is the furthest possible reason from the truth. I don't know why Lily's sister is acting this way. I know she has certain... dislike... for you, Lily and apparently for witches and wizards overall. But the question is: why? Can you recall any moment that could have caused her too become so opposed to your talents?" Dumbledore trailed off. Lily nodded uncertainly; she could remember it as if it had happened yesterday, no matter how hard she tried to forget it.

Dumbledore stood up, and took out a shallow stone basin, odd carvings around the edge that looked suspiciously like runes. The content of the basin seemed to glow in a weak silvery light. It was like nothing Lily had ever seen before. The liquid moved ceaselessly becoming ruffled like water beneath wind, yet also like clouds separated whirling smoothly before her very eyes. Beside her she heard Marlene gasp, as if realising what it was. "This is a Pensive, quite a marvellous invention. It may make it easier for you if you don't want to tell us."

"What do I do?" asked Lily nervously, having never used a Pensive before.

"Simply think of that moment and take your wand to your temple. The memory will come in a silvery substance attached to your wand. Drop it into the Pensive," Dumbledore instructed. Lily did as she was told and a second later, all three inhabitants of the office were transported back to a long time ago, or so it seemed to Lily...

..."Come on, 'Tunia. Please won't you plait my hair? It always looks so pretty when you do it," asked an eleven-year-old Lily. She made a face at her sister, who looked to be around fourteen. Petunia gave a fake sigh, but it was quite obvious to anyone that the two sisters were close.

"Okay, Lily. Sit still though this time, otherwise it will look a mess." Lily smiled and took a seat in front of Petunia. Petunia took a brush and started running it through Lily's thick, red curls.

Petunia appeared to be having fun, playing with her younger sister's hair, however, the tranquil atmosphere was disrupted when a large barn owl swooped in to their house, through the open window. Both Lily and Petunia screamed in shock. The owl dropped what appeared to be a letter onto Lily's lap before flying off.

"What's going on?" asked Petunia, still frightened. Lily shrugged in a confused manner as her parents entered the room having heard both girls' shrieks. Lily opened the letter carefully. Her emerald eyes widened in shock as she read and re-read the letter, not quite taking it in. Wordlessly, she passed it over to her parents. A few minutes later, her parents were both staring at her in shock. Her father faltered, before her mother cut in.

"Congratulations, Lily. You're a witch," her mother told her warmly.

"You mean, it isn't a joke?" Lily said her mouth opening slightly.

"Well. I don't see how it can be. I mean, you've always been able to do... unusual things and it says here someone will come and explain everything..." her father trailed off reading the letter yet again.

"W-w-what? Lily's a what?" Petunia stuttered, her large pale eyes bulging. Lily made a movement towards her elder sister. "Y-y-you FREAK, stay away from me! STAY AWAY FROM ME! How could you not know you weren't one and not tell me! You're a witch, an abnormal, evil little-" Petunia screamed.

"Petunia! That is ENOUGH!" their dad scolded her.

"What? Why? Can't you see she's a freak, Dad? It isn't normal!" Petunia yelled, she turned her eyes to Lily's. "I hate you!" she hissed. Lily looked at the floor for a while, a sad expression portrayed on her face. However, it didn't last long turning quickly into anger.

"It's not my fault, Petunia!" she yelled back, her eyes flashing angrily, her fists clenched, trembling with suppressed rage.

"Yes it is!" Petunia put her hands over her eyes, as if to escape, but as she felt around her face and shoulders, she realised clumps of blonde hair were falling out at an alarming rate. Lily's eyes widened. Petunia stood there surrounded by clumps of blonde hair her mouth open.

"YOU DID THIS, DIDN'T YOU?" Petunia screamed, quickly reaching her conclusion, before running to her room and slamming the door...

Lily and Marlene soon found themselves back in Dumbledore's office, as if they had never left at all.

"Well," Dumbledore said sighing deeply. "I think that clears up a few things." Lily broke down again, sobbing uncontrollably into her robes. The shock of seeing her parents again had unnerved her. It was different from remembering the memory, it was just images in her head, but this...they were real.

---

James looked out the window. He had History of Magic, but it was highly unusual that he was awake. He was thinking about Lily of course; nothing else had penetrated his mind other than the green eyed beauty that was in such a state of torment. He didn't even realise the knock on the door. Or Professor McGonagall talking to Binns. Only when Sirius gave him a sharp kick did he realise that his Transfiguration teacher was actually talking to him.

"Potter! Are you listening?" she barked.

"Yes, Ma'am," he lied.

"Good. Professor Dumbledore would like to see you in his office about your Head Boy duties while Ms Evans is away. Please go there at the end of this class," she continued. Nodding at Professor Binns, she headed out of the room. Come on, how much longer of this lesson is there anyway? James asked himself.

Apparently not very long, for a few minutes later class was dismissed. James made his way to Dumbledore's office, brooding on the way. Sirius, Remus and Peter were getting pretty fed up with his attitude; well, it was more Sirius then anybody else. Remus hadn't said anything, like Peter, but Sirius... James had a very complicated best friend. However, Sirius had to understand that James couldn't... Couldn't what? He asked himself. Couldn't snap himself out of it? That could be it, mused James. Sirius didn't understand; he loved Lily. Really loved her. And that's not something he could easily snap out of.

"Sugarplum," James said dully. The gargoyle let him pass. James walked in to Dumbledore's office, expecting to see the lined, rather tiered face of his headmaster sitting behind his desk. He certainly hadn't expected an empty room. James decided it was better if he just waited there for a while, until Dumbledore came back.

He took his time looking around the head master's office. It was full of wonderful contraptions, the use behind them unknown. Finally his eyes rested on the stone basin near the desk. A Pensive that had clearly just been used and still had a fresh memory inside. It sat there, motionless, tempting him. A quick look wouldn't hurt anyone, would it? A few minutes passed and James had remained in the same position, debating the situation in his head. Eventually the internal battle was over and his curiosity had won. He leaned his head into the Pensive and was busy re-living someone's memory.

Is that... Lily? Merlin, she looks almost exactly like she did when she came to Hogwarts, and that other girl that must be... her sister. And those are definitely her parents; he had seen them on platform nine and three-quarters before. James was reliving Lily's memory. A bad memory by the looks of it. James had barely finished watching when he felt a slight tilt. Someone must have entered the room, James realised, panicking.

He quickly pulled out his head and prepared himself to face a disappointed Dumbledore or even an angry McGonagall. He certainly wasn't ready for a horrified Lily. Yet, there she was, the girl from the memory, only older, staring at him in trepidation, despair and something else not clearly shown on her face. James was yet again frozen to the spot, not the slightest idea of what he was meant to do, his heart was thumping in his chest painfully as the seconds slipped by and he seemed to be incapable of uttering a single word. His conscience was screaming at him for being so stupid. She looked like she was ready to either slap him or cry and still he stood there staring at her. Instead she did neither.

"Why?" she said softly. James looked at her even more stunned then before.

"I- I, I'm so-"

"I don't believe you, your never sorry for anything, ever! Why should I start believing you now when you- when you... pry into my personal life, like that. So why? What, did you think you could use it as blackmail or something, Potter? Or are you going to use it to poke fun at me, I'm really not in the mood at the moment..." she trailed off in the same soft tone she had begun in. James felt a nasty, guilty pang come over him. He wished she would just walk up to him and slap him hard round the face, or scream and yell at him, pelt him with objects nearest to her. Anything but this. Her hurt face was imprinted into his mind like a stamp it was pure torture seeing her being torn apart not by Voldemort this time or her sister, but by him.

He remained silent and looked down at the floor. However, when he looked back up again he could see a solitary tear drop rolling down her pale cheek. In that second, James made up his mind. He approached her tentatively, then a sense of recklessness came over him and moments later, he was hugging Lily tightly, afraid to let her go in case her face was a picture of anger.

---

Lily was stunned. After a good hour of being comforted in Dumbledore's office by him and Marlene, both girls had left, Lily feeling slightly better. Remus had approached her not long after telling her that Dumbledore would like to see her again to explain what would happen whilst she was away, something he had forgotten to do before.

Lily had taken some time convincing Marlene that she'd be okay on her own for that short space of time and made her way up to the office she had been in not long ago. The last thing she expected to see was no Dumbledore and one James Potter looking into the Pensive. It took her a few moments to remember that she hadn't emptied the Pensive. That was her worst memory James Potter was reliving.

She stared at him in disbelief; she had asked him as calmly as she could why. He had started to answer yet she had continued, informing him that she didn't believe him, that she suspected he was going to blackmail her, either that or poke fun at her. All things he had tried to do in the past. He hadn't been able to look at her in the face. Much to her own surprise she was too enraged and overwhelmed to shout at him, or hit him, or do anything. She was possibly even more bewildered when she found herself in his arms, tears dripping down her cheeks.

There she was in James Potter's arms. James Potter, one of the people she disliked most in the world.

"I'm sorry," James muttered, tightening his arms around her. "For everything."

"It's not you- It's not your fault, Potter. Well, maybe, maybe some of it..." she mumbled back wiping her eyes free from tears. She was afraid to say more in case of blurting things out he didn't need to know.

" Maybe you could call me James?" he asked desperately, in an attempt to lighten the mood, and for some good to come out of the situation.

"Okay-okay... James," she replied reluctantly. In truth, she didn't mind. He had a nice name and since they were both Heads, they had a good example to set. He gave her a grin as he let go. She smiled back slightly.

"Come on. We can find Dumbledore later," James suggested. Lily nodded lightly and the pair walked out of the room.

"Comfort can often be found in the most unexpected place. Including an enemy's arms," Dumbledore whispered, hidden from view, having watched the scene unfold before him.

---