Always A Woman

Always A Woman

And she’ll promise you more
Than the garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you’re bleedin’
But she’ll bring out the best
And the worst you can be...
-- Billy Joel

"I DISOWN YOU!"

Remus Lupin did not look at all put out by this.

"Does this mean, when you kick it, I won't get your collection of rancid unwashed Quidditch jerseys?" he asked. There was a snort from Peter, who was studying on his bed. James was going over Quidditch charts on his, Remus was sitting at the foot of his, and Sirius was pacing the room like the raving maniac he had become.

"You think this is funny? He thinks this is funny!" Sirius said, to James, who didn't look up. "And do you know how I had to find out about it? Do you? NARCISSA."

"Sinister Cissa," Remus murmured. "Might have known it'd be her."

"What the hell were you thinking? You weren't thinking! I know! All you saw was a good shag, not the betrayal of all your best friend holds dear!"

"I thought I was your best friend," James murmured, still not looking up.

"ONE OF THEM!" Sirius roared.

"You're really quite blowing this out of proportion," Remus said gently.

"YOU SHAGGED MY COUSIN!"

"It's not as though you like her," Peter said.

"THAT'S THE POINT!"

"If you shout again, Pads, I'm muting you," James threatened. "Don't think I can't. One good silencing spell would do you for the rest of the year."

Sirius lapsed into sullen, angry, but quieter tones. "You couldn't have done Andromeda, could you. It had to be bloody Bellatrix. You know I hate her," he snarled.

"Yes, and that's why I thought it wouldn't matter if I -- "

"And she's a seventh year! You're a fifth year! That has to be some kind of...of...child abuse!" Sirius continued.

"I beg your pardon," Remus replied.

"You're illegally underage! I'm telling Dumbledore."

Remus looked a trifle smug. "Turned sixteen last month, remember?"

"You slept with that bitch!"

"Yes, canine proclivities do seem to run in the family."

"That bitch!"

"Sirius, it's not like I'm proposing marriage to her. It was one night. I didn't think she'd even remember it."

Sirius' jaw dropped. "My friend marrying a Black! I think I'm having a stroke!"

James looked up, finally. "You are some strange, negative-image reversal of your mother," he said.

"That's it." Sirius fetched up his cloak and pulled it on. "That is it, that is it, that is IT!"

"Mute!" James said threateningly.

"Where do you think you're going?" Remus demanded.

"I'm going to go kill Bellatrix, what the fecking hell does it look like I'm doing?"

Remus grinned. "You've got a little Irish showing."

"My own cousin!"

They watched as Sirius nearly ran out the door, slamming it behind him. James set his Quidditch sheets down, slowly.

"Bellatrix Black?" he asked, almost gently.

"I'd have done the same," Peter said.

Remus put one hand over his face, and flopped back on the bed.

****

Bellatrix, when he finally found her, was in the library stacks. She knew perfectly well what she'd done, and that Sirius'd had an owl from Narcissa about it that day. She knew Sirius would be murderous. She knew he'd find her.

She had planned this. He couldn't shout in the library. He'd have to kill her quietly.

"Hello, Sirius," she said, not even bothing to pretend she'd been reading a book. He stood there, shoulders heaving, rage shaking his body. "Do sit down. It's so soothing in the Library, don't you agree?"

"You bitch," he answered, leaning on the table, resting his knuckles on either side of her folded arms. She was wearing some boy's Hogwarts shirt, collar undone, a Slytherin tie hanging loose. Her hair, long and black and curling at the ends like his did, hung over her shoulders.

"Surely you can do better than that," she answered, leaning back. "No points for originality."

"You seduced my best friend!"

"How do you know he didn't seduce me?"

"Because you're not human, you don't get seduced," Sirius answered angrily. "How dare you. How dare you play these games with me, Bellatrix."

"With you? I thought the games were with sweet innocent Lupin," she replied.

"You used him."

"He used me."

"He doesn't know any better, he doesn't know you've got a sucking lamprey for a heart," Sirius answered.

Bellatrix tapped one elegant finger against her lips. "You do look so grown up when you're angry like this," she answered. "Dear Remy, he looked more like a boy than ever, when I kissed him."

"He hates that name."

"He did say something to that effect. But he let me fuck him anyway. Do you think he was a virgin? I imagine you'd be the one to know."

Sirius closed his eyes, and found some kind of fingernail-clinging grip on sanity.

"Tell me, Sirius, are you angry because you hate me, or because you love him?" she asked. The finger she'd been tapping on her lips slid over her jaw, down in the hollow of her throat. He growled.

"Both," he answered. She chuckled, low and sensual.

"My cousin the sodomite," she said, amused.

"I didn't mean it that way, and you know it."

"Didn't you?" she asked, standing. He turned, in order to stay facing her, as she circled the table. "You're slipping, Sirius."

"Just because you don't know how to have friends without sleeping with them or buying them -- "

She clapped her hands delightedly. "Much better!"

"Fuck you, Bellatrix."

"Mmm, Remus certainly did." She reached out to tap him on the nose, something she'd done when they were children, and he caught her wrist. "Strong man. Yes, you're much more grown up than he is."

"You stay the hell away from him or so help me, Bellatrix -- "

"Don't you want to know?"

That stopped him in his tracks. The finger she'd extended curled against her palm, her wrist still in his grip. He watched it, fascinated.

"I could tell you everything," she said softly, moving closer. He tightened his grip on her wrist, saw her close her eyes and realised she was enjoying the pain. "I could tell you..." she continued, as he dropped her hand as if it had burned him.

"You're a monster," he said, stunned.

"Am I? Don't you want to know?" she asked. She stepped forward again, and her breasts brushed his chest. She was shorter, not by much; her eyes held his, and she smiled seductively. "Don't you want to know how he moaned when I kissed him? I could tell you what his tongue felt like in my mouth. Do you want to know if he's good with his hands?" she laughed, and leaned up, and he didn't lean away. "He's very good," she whispered in his ear.

Her teeth grazed his earlobe.

"Don't you want to know how he touched me? What he felt like inside? Don't you ask yourself?" she continued, returning to stare up at him. "Do you want to know what sort of sounds he makes?"

"Monster," Sirius managed.

"But you want to know," she replied. Her hips pressed into his and he realised with a flush of embarrassment that he was hard. "Poor innocent Sirius, you are a virgin, aren't you? Saving yourself for him? And you can't bear that I got there first."

"Bellatrix, you bitch, I will -- "

"He makes a little noise, right in the back of his throat," she said, cutting him off sharply. He drew a quick breath. He knew the noise. One time, in fourth year, he'd heard Remus make that noise in his sleep. He'd waited a year to hear it again. "And then he bites down, a little, right here on the lip..." She rubbed her lower lip with her knuckle. "Do you want to know everything, Sirius?"

"What price?" he asked, hoarsely. She smiled.

"Do what he did," she said, her hand sliding down the shirt she wore, undoing another button smoothly. He could see, now, that she had nothing on underneath. He could see --

"You're my cousin," he groaned.

"So? Our grandmother married her cousin," she answered. "We're the Blacks. We do this all the time..."

"It's sick."

"You're sick. We are normal," she answered. Another button. She took his hand, stroking her fingers across his palm. His stomach tensed. "We have all the power. We say what is normal. You, you're the freak, spending your time with half-breeds and mudbloods."

"It's wrong, Bellatr -- " he gasped as she guided his fingers inside the shirt, over one of her breasts. Her nipple hardened under his thumb.

She moaned his name, slowly, her hand guiding his. "Then don't do it," she said. "Can you walk away from this? From knowing everything you want? It's the closest you'll ever get to him. He doesn't fuck boys."

She slid up onto the broad study table, in the deep darkness of the library stacks, empty this late in the evening. She wanted him, here. In this public place. And as she spread her legs he could see that she wasn't wearing anything under her skirt, either...

Sirius groaned, again, and left his senses behind, and fell forward into the arms of Bellatrix Black.

***

"Sirius! Get out of the shower!"

"Bugger off!"

"I need the toilet, and you've locked the whole room!" Peter cried. "You've been in there half an hour!"

"Is he back, then?" Remus asked, trudging into the dormitory. "So glad I spent all this time making sure he hadn't drowned himself or gotten killed by his cousin..."

"Be your fault if he had," James said. "Oi, Sirius!" he called. "You can't stay there forever, get out already!"

"Here, let me," Remus rolled up the sleeves of his shirt.

Peter looked sullen. "He's double-charmed it. I can't break it."

"I'm not too bad at those." Remus thrust his wand out, and tried a few charmbreaking spells before the lock finally popped open. He took off his shoes and socks, and shed his jacket. "Won't be long," he said, grinning. "Stop hopping, Peter."

He stepped into the steam-filled room, and made his way, nearly-blind, towards the last shower, where Sirius was, apparently, actually trying to drown. He heard Peter dash inside after him, and sigh with relief, and then dash out again.

"Sirius, don't make me turn the hot water off," Remus threatened. "You know I can."

"Sod off, Lupin, I'm still mad at you."

"That doesn't mean you get to steam-clean the entire Gryffindor Tower."

Sirius shut the water off, and Remus looked away when he heard damp footsteps.

"I've a towel," Sirus muttered. Remus glanced at him --

And sniffed.

And froze.

Sirius froze too.

"I can smell her on you," Remus whispered. "Under the soap and the water and -- I can smell her. On you."

Sirus slid down the wall, towel barely preserving his dignity, and covered his face with his hands.

"Sirius, I thought you were going to kill her, I didn't think you were going to -- "

"Shut up, you don't know why I did any of it," Sirius cried.

Remus crouched in front of the other boy, reaching out to smooth back an errant lock of hair. "Well, I guess we're even, then," he said softly.

"What, because we've both been used mercilessly by my unnatural cousin?"

Remus chuckled softly. "You really don't get it, do you, Sirius." He pressed gently on Sirius' forehead, forcing him to look up. "Neither of us understand why the other one did it, you stupid git," he said. "Do you want me to tell you why, or is that just going to make you shout a lot, again?"

Sirius, who was wondering how anyone could have eyes so old as Remus Lupin's, didn't speak.

"Did Narcissa tell you anything about how, or when?" Remus waited. Sirius was busy feeling the warm closeness of his body. "I didn't think so. She spiked my drink at the Lupercal Dance. She's so much older than me, Sirius, and she didn't give me a chance to catch my breath, let alone get my bearings. I thought I was taking advantage of her. I thought that would be why you wouldn't care. Score one for the Gryffindors, Remus Lupin got his."

Sirius nodded, feeling Remus' hand still on his forehead, his palm sliding against his water-slick skin.

"I didn't think it mattered. I didn't tell you. I didn't think she'd use me against you." He let go of Sirius' face, and leaned back. "I'm so sorry, Pads. And the truth was..."

Sirius flinched. This would be bad, he could imagine what the truth was --

"...she looks so much like you."

That wasn't what he'd been expecting.

"Like me?" Sirius asked. Suddenly he felt cold, he felt freezing, though he was sweating.

"And I didn't figure I'd ever get the chance with you," Remus said wryly. "How about that. Bet you didn't know I was a -- "

He didn't finish, or Sirius didn't hear him; he was laughing too hard.

Remus gave him a sour look. "Thanks very much, so glad my inner monologue amuses."

"Oh, Remus, we are fools," Sirius said, through tears of laughter. "We are fools, fools, fools. But neither of us are as big a fool as Bellatrix."

The other boy looked bewildered.

"I slept with her on a table in the library because she promised if I did she'd tell me what it was like with you, and all she told me was that you were better," he groaned, pulling Remus' head forward.

"What are you playing at?" Remus demanded, right before Sirius kissed him.

Oh, Bellatrix could never have told him how this felt, the slick damp skin from the steam, the hair so thin and fine when Sirius curled his fingers in it. The wet heat of Remus' mouth, opening, letting him inside, Bellatrix could neither tell this nor give it herself, and suddenly his disgust with his actions was swept away in a wave of pity because Bellatrix would never, ever feel this.

Sirius slid down until he was sitting against the wall, let Remus move to straddle him, barely conscious that Remus had re-charmed the door with a slam.

"They'll think we're fighting," Remus mumbled, against his cheek. Sirius slid his face down, resting it against Remus' neck, lips grazing his collarbone. Remus' hands slid up his arms, holding his head against him.

"I wanted to know even if I couldn't do it myself," Sirius whispered, against his skin. Remus cradled his head, stroking back the wet hair, smoothing it into neat lines.

"Can't you?" he asked, his other hand dropping, undoing the loose tuck of the towel at Sirius' waist. His thumb slid across Sirius' navel, slowly moving lower, and Sirus gasped.

"Don't think about it," Remus urged, fingers stroking, settling into a rhythm that Sirius began to arch into. "Think about me. Feel. I'm here."

"Moony," Sirius moaned.

"I'm here."

"Moony she called me -- "

"I'm here, Sirius," the brown-haired boy said, and Sirius was about to finish repeating what Bellatrix had said when Remus threw back his head and made that noise.

Low and in the back of his throat. Almost a whine, perhaps a sigh.

Sirius shuddered, his whole body tensing as he came, the sight sound feel smell the pressure of Remus, his Remus, overwhelming. And Remus held him still in place, cradled against his chest, his own breathing even and low and steady, until Sirius nuzzled his skin and pulled back.

"She doesn't matter," Remus said, looking him in the eye. The hand that had held him steady now stroked his cheek, infinite affection, infinite comfort. "Only you and I matter, Sirius."

***

It was days later when Bellatrix saw them in the halls, and anyone who knew as she did, or who thought they knew, could have seen the difference. Could have seen what they were.

Bellatrix was not afraid of Sirius. Ever.

"You may think you got what you wanted," she said in a low voice, to Sirius, as she passed in the hall. He turned to her, blandly inquiring. "You may think he owns you but a piece of you is always mine and one day I'll come back for the rest, Sirius Black. And he won't be able to save you."

"You try," Sirius answered. "Go ahead and try."

***

Bellatrix felt a hand grip her wrist, and was pulled from the Pensieve; she didn't remember being sent into it, but she must have, and there was so little she remembered these days...

"I got him," she cackled. "I did get him in the end. I came and HE couldn't save him."

"Very true, Bella," Remus Lupin said, gently, quietly. "You got him."

"I got him all," she continued, happy as any child. "I killed him!"

"Indeed," Remus continued. She felt one hand stroke down her throat, and knew it was familiar, from some time long ago...

She wanted to ask him who he was, but his thumb pressed suddenly and firmly against her windpipe, cutting off her air. She flailed, but his hand did not move. She tried to utter curses, hexes, anything, but the pressure on her throat effectively kept her from speaking as well as breathing.

She stopped struggling after two and a half minutes, but he held her throat for nearly ten. Long after her pulse had faded, long after her body had gone limp.

Remus Lupin, slowly and carefully, lowered her to the ground. He picked up the pensieve, and began the careful task of replacing the memories. Some of the things she'd seen had been hers and hers alone, because she was insane and her memories would mingle with those that triggered them. He could taste no taint of her memory in the long thin strands of silver that he was replacing, in the recollections he'd arranged for her to see.

Somehow he wanted her to see how little she mattered, before she died.

His work done, he put the Pensieve into its case, and vanished into the night.

END