Gold in Fire

Began: approximately February 27, 2005

"The best thing about loving and being hurt is that you get to know what true love really is. For as gold is tested in fire, and so love will be perfected in pain." ~Marvin Jay M. Torres

Introduction

Something happened when I became an animagus.

I've no idea what it was or how it twisted the universe.

For all I know, the world could be spinning in the opposite direction now- due to my becoming an animagus.

But I highly doubt that's it.

Something happened to me, specifically, yet I've no idea what it was that occurred.

Something happened.

That's all I know.

Maybe in the future I'll know more, but, for the time being...

Something happened.

And that's all I know.

Chapter One: Heart Ache

Heart Ache.

I read this term somewhere- I can't remember exactly which novel. It hadn't seemed special to me at the time I first saw it- nothing out of the ordinary. But this morning when I awoke, it was the first thought to enter my confounded mind.

A heart ache.

My heart aches.

I've only had a realization of that kind once before.

Hate.

I know Hate.

I hate the d**ned b*****d who killed my family.

Believe me when I say I know hate.

I know Heart Ache

Those two words never had so much meaning. Sometimes I ache so badly I begin to wonder if my heart is still beating. Then I wonder which way I would prefer it: beating or not.

Before you get the wrong idea, let me say that I would never kill myself. There are differences between Accepting Death, Wanting Death, and Bringing one's own Death.

My case is one where I don't think I deserve to live. The sole purpose of my being is this almost unbearable heart ache.

Where will my life go if my heart ceases to hurt? When the pain is gone, where will I go?

I guess you could say that I exist to find the cause of my anguish.

My family?

Part of it.

After the murder, there was a void I fell into. A black hold, you could say. A place where gravity is so strong, it could pull you forever- further and further.

There was a time when I didn't believe in gravity. I simply refused to accept its existence. Now there's too much.

I've fallen so far into the black hole that the deaths of my parents and little sister don't haunt my dreams every night. Occasionally, a dream, or more often, a memory will leak from my eye and flow down my stained face.

But that is not the only cause of my Heart Ache.

There's something more.

*~¤~*

You know what it's like to have a crush- to like someone as more than a friend. By now, you must.

So, I assume you'll know what I mean if I say a crush is like a daisy: you pluck the petals off, one by one, issuing a, "Loves me," to one and a "Loves me not," to the next, continuing until the last petal is pulled, declaring how the other person feels about you.

'Cause that bloody-well works, you know.

But do you know what it's like for a daisy to blossom into a rose?

Too beautiful to puck the petals from.

Too dangerous to clutch tightly.

Too enrapturing to resist.

Painful, but pleasurable.

Pleasurable pain.

Like my Heart Ache.