Tell Me How You Really Feel

Tell Me How You Really Feel

What Have I Done

I wish I could say I’d had no idea what was going on, and that none of it was my fault, but I can’t. I really can’t. And when I think about it...I have to take deep breaths to keep from passing out. What a situation. You should have seen it! It was terrible...and by terrible, I mean amazing. I never saw it coming, never imagined it could happen.

Why? Why did I do that? Oh Merlin...what have I gotten myself into? I wish I could say I was under a curse… but, I wasn’t. It wouldn’t have felt so good if I was. It was bound to happen. How could it not. Always working in such close quarters, watching each other train, being all sweaty, and watching the muscles work…damn. Hopefully it’s not noticeable; my brother would go through the roof. I need to talk to someone though. Hermione? I don’t know if she would handle it better than the rest of them...could she understand? Bloody hell, I don’t even understand! I mean I realize I’ve been feeling this for a while, but I never bloody thought I would act on it! Stupid girl! Why does he have to be so… beautiful… so wonderfully perfect? The years of training have certainly made his body good… mmm.

Oh! I do hope he’s kept his bloody mouth shut! Oh of course he has...he wouldn’t want it getting around...I doubt he’s even told you yet. I’ve nothing to worry about, right? Right? Oh Merlin I hope I’m right. Who knew I’d grow up to be like this...ha, not that I’m complaining, but I used to be an innocent little priss, I’ll admit it. Now, well, I wish I could subtract the priss instead of the innocent. Nah, I take that back. Growing up has been quite eventful. If it means fulfilling my dreams then shove off and let me finish growing up.

I regret it, I’ve decided. No, I don’t. Yes, I do. Nah...well...I don’t as long as I don’t get in trouble for it. Ha, there you go. Brilliant. Look at where I’ve gotten myself. I’m a half-crazy, grown up wanna-be that doesn’t think before she acts. Fabulous. Ha, look at this, one second I love who I am and what I do, the next I’m scolding who I am. Stupid me. Oh well, I am who I am, I did what I did, and I can tell you this...I didn’t hate it.

I did something naughty.

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Clueless

I’ve lost it . . . gone completely mad. I must be totally off my rocker by now. He kissed me! And I liked it! What has the world come to? We’re so close . . . we’re bloody best friends! I’m smarter than this! I’m not the top witch in my year for nothing am I? I must have just been desperate even a girl like me needs some once in a while, right? I mean not that I’d ever use him like that, we’re so close . . . but really, how do I know if it’s real? Can you find that sort of thing in a book? Perhaps I should ask Madam Pince . . . no, no, what am I thinking? I have to pull myself together and have a rational grown up conversation with him.

Oh yes that’s brilliant, "Yes hello, just wondering, was that snog as good for you as it was for me?" Of course Hermione, best plan ever. Oh Merlin it wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t liked it. I mean who knew the guy could kiss like that? Sure he’s good looking, muscular...and he has that really cute smile when he teases me about my studies...oh bugger! I’m off daydreaming about my best mate! Do you think he fancies me? Really fancies me, or do you think he was just blowing off steam after training and I was just there? I mean he really had a rough day with Malfoy, they’d been battling for hours...with weapons no less...I’m sure that was it. Just a mistake, a tired, "blow off steam" little mistake.

 Should that make me feel better? Cause it didn’t do a damn thing. My Merlin, does that mean I want him to fancy me? I actually want one of my best friends to fancy me? Should I say something? Oh of course not, stupid girl! I should most definitely say nothing, and follow his lead. But I’m just dying to know what he meant by that kiss… Oi, they really need a book on this sort of thing. Why is it that I know everything about everything I don’t even need? Perhaps I should talk to Ginny, she definitely knows a lot about this sort of thing. Although that would be so weird for her, considering, oh dragon dung, I just need to get my stuff together and talk to him about it. I don’t even need to mention anything about how I feel or if I enjoyed it . . . but what if he asks? Then what do I do? Do I lie and say no? Should I blow it off and say it was "Okay"? Of course, there’s this whole honesty business . . . I’ve heard it works. What am I on about? I’m going to confront him, straight up, and that means either he’ll say it was a mistake, or he meant it and likes me. Whichever occurs I can handle. I say not a problem we’ll disregard it, or bloody hell I like you too now snog me senseless right now. Or you know . . . something like that.

I can’t believe out of my entire life, everything I’ve been through all the classes and papers and essays and tests and examinations and life threatening situations . . . the training the battling the body bruising physical obstacles . . . a boy is what I’m caught on. A measly little boy has got my brain on shut down. I’ll say it again, what has life come to? Am I really as shallow as the rest of the petty, childish little girls in this school? But could I be wrong? I mean maybe it’s not childish at all, maybe it’s actually mature and beneficial to allow yourself to feel like that, to want like that.

 For the first time in my entire life I am clueless.