Tell Me How You Really Feel

     Tell Me How You Really Feel

What It’s Like To Understand

So um...that whole brother sister thing I was worried about? Yeah...she’s gotten over it too. I fancy her. I acted on it. Then I walked away. She’s probably sitting somewhere right now cursing me to oblivion and back. She’s probably so confused...or so repulsed? I never thought of that...maybe she hated it. I mean just because Cho liked my kisses...and my...everything else, doesn’t mean she will. Bloody hell...I’m so lost in how it was for me, and she could have bloody hated it! I suppose I could ask her yeah? But what if she said it was really awful...terrible...horrendous?

Maybe I’m overreacting. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. Should I talk to her about it? I mean obviously she’s wondering about it too...anybody would, but especially her. I don’t even know what I would say. I don’t think I could explain myself. It was a crazy day, training was tough...and then I saw her and the only logical thing to do at the time was kiss her. Course now it doesn’t seem so logical. I mean what would I say if I talked to her about it. “Yeah hi, just wondering...do you mind if I snog you all the time? Right okay thanks.” Sure, that will go over well. Something needs to be done.

I could write her a letter. But that’s so impersonal, it needs to be done face to face. Maybe I should just kiss her again and see what happens...this time no walking away. If she slaps me, then I’m pretty sure that means she’s not interested. If she doesn’t...then we can talk about what it means...our future. Our future, that sounds so...big. Do you think we could have a future together? Me and her? I can kinda see it. We’d always be together anyways, but if we were “together” it just feels like it’s really meant to be, she’s not just sticking around because she has to, it will be because she wants to. We could fall in love. Me, in love. Can you imagine?

It feels so different even thinking about it than it was with Cho. I hope it doesn’t take as long as it did with Cho. A year, a whole year until she finally came around...and then we only had a year together because it was her last here. I miss her still sometimes you know, I got so used to always having her to hold, to vent to...in a physical way. I mean sure people need to talk, but that’s what my friends were for. I knew I needed more than that, and she helped me figure out what that ‘more’ was. If I was having a shitty day and I was really worked up and frustrated, she could tell and she would let me vent it out through physical contact. If I was upset and sad, it would be slow and sweet, and we could just sit and cuddle for hours. I miss that so much. I think I ended up loving that more than I ever loved Cho...I always feel a little guilty when I think about it.

She would be different though, I don’t know if there would be as much of the physical stuff. Of coarse it helps and I miss it, but I think our love would be stronger, it would be more real if there wasn’t as much. I hope there will be eventually...but a true relationship is more than snogging and shagging and I want that with her. I just need to tell her that, to see if that’s what she wants too.

I think I’m really starting to sort my shit out, and it feels pretty good.

I finally understand.