Love Among the Marauders

Chapter Five

Not long after this, when Malfoy passes Sirius in an empty hallway, Sirius pushes him up against the wall and kisses him for several breathless minutes. When he pulls away, Malfoy just stares at him, breathing hard. Sirius says, "Fine. All right. Yes."

Malfoy expects that the whole thing will be furtive, sordid, a dirty secret between them, that they will meet in dusty closets and dungeon passages and avoid each other in public. He is quite wrong.

Sirius is unused to being alone, desperate to fill the vacuum left by James, and perennially horny. Malfoy, initially icy and skeptical, finds himself worn down by Sirius's warmth. He likes having someone to whisper in his ear and sling an arm around his shoulders and huck toast crusts at his head from the Gryffindor table. He likes the fact that they look spectacular together and the way girls murmur when they pass in the halls.

And Sirius is fun. He is constantly risking their lives with a buoyancy that Malfoy, once he gives himself up to it, finds intoxicating. The night Malfoy feels his fingers slip from the outer sill of the owlery window and his body lurch into space, he thinks that Sirius has finally gone too far. But then he is slamming into Sirius's hard chest and warm arms, the whack of the broom on his thigh leaving a bruise that won't fade for a month, and when he hears Sirius laughing and shushing him, he realizes, with a strange alarm, that for the very first time in his life, he is happy.

*

Remus says to Sirius, "You aren't in love with him."

"No. I'm not. What on earth is your point? I'm sorry to shock you, Moony, but it's hardly the first time I've---"

"How does he feel?"

"You can't seriously expect me to believe that you care."

"I think he may care quite a bit. And he's dangerous enough as it is."
"Oh for god's sake. You think the fact that I'm using Malfoy for sex is going to contribute to the apocalypse?"

"You aren't using him for sex. You're using him for companionship."

Sirius looks exasperated. "That actually sounds less depraved."

"Trust me when I tell you it's worse."

"God, Moony. I'm so lonely. And horny."

"You're an idiot. And you do have friends."

"Well of course I do, Moony, darling, but I can't expect you to, ah..."

"To what?" And off of Sirius's expression, "Fine. Yes. No. But can't you date someone a little less incendiary?"

Sirius just shrugs and smiles his lopsided forgive-me smile. Then he says, "Remus?"

Remus realizes he is staring at Sirius's mouth. He says, "Sorry," and quickly leaves the room.

*

Several days later, lying on the grass beside the lake, Remus says to James, "You have got to let him go."

"He seems to have let himself go rather farther than I would have thought possible."

Half the school is out enjoying the sun. The daredevils among them are on brooms, jousting recklessly above the waters that cover the giant squid. Sirius, undefeated for most of the morning, has just been unseated by a clever girl from Hufflepuff and rescued from the black water, laughing and yelling, by a grinning Malfoy. The two of them are zooming away on Malfoy's broom, Malfoy flying and Sirius facing him. Sirius has one leg wrapped around Malfoy's hips and his wet hair is whipping Malfoy's face.

Remus does not think he has ever seen Malfoy grin before. He says, "He's not over you and he's toying with Malfoy. Not that he means to be, or realizes that he is, but it will end badly."

"I'm not his keeper, Remus. We broke up. And by the end he wanted it as much as I did."

Remus feels a surge of rage. "No. He didn't. What the hell is wrong with you? Four years, James. And then nothing? If you're really over it, by all means, walk away, but if you were any more jealous of Malfoy right now, I think your head would explode."

James turns and looks at Remus. His expression is heavy and strange. Remus feels suddenly nervous, looking at him. James has always been the balance between them, impetuous like Sirius, but not foolhardy, practical like Remus, but not grave. But now he seems different, gloomy, burdened. James says, "I can tell you this. I've sort of told Sirius." He pauses, shreds a grass blade, and takes a breath. "There's a prophecy. It requires Lily and me to be together. This is my part, Remus. I need to do it. There's going to be a child."

Remus stares at him. He says nothing for a long time. Then he gathers himself and asks, "How do you know? Are you sure?"

"Dumbledore. Very sure. And I owe Lily a real relationship, a real marriage. I need to mean it. I need to stay away from Sirius."

"But he loves you."

"No. Not like I love him. You know how he is, all fire and sincerity. He thinks he loves me, but I'm not really what he needs."

"James---"

"It's true, Remus. I wasn't that different from Malfoy, really, dragged along for the ride. He needs someone to anchor him. I've never been able to reason with him. I need someone I can reason with, Remus. I need someone sane. And he needs someone he can't push around."

*

That night, Remus says to Sirius, "Quite a performance today."

"What?"

"Over the lake. You were in fine form."

"Oh, that. Was James jealous?"

"James is with Lily."

"Only officially. She's still in love with her ex. And so is he."

"You need to let him go."

"Why?"

"Because it's time. Because he wants it. Because it might be better for you."

"Moony. I never expected you to support my dalliance with Lucius Malfoy."

"Malfoy's not the only other person in the world who's interested in you."

"Certainly not! My god, Moony, most of the school is in love with me. I'd hate to think I was with Lucius because I had no choice."

"Why are you with him?"

"Because the stakes are so low, because the profile's so high, because he looks so good naked. I honestly have no idea."

"Does he?"

"Does he what?"

"Look so good naked?"

"Remus. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I... Nothing. Sorry."

*

One lazy afternoon, Sirius and Malfoy stumble into Malfoy's room, Sirius's shirt already off, Malfoy's mouth glued to his neck. Just before they hit the bed, Sirius grips Malfoy's head between his hands, pulling his eyes into view, and says, "About that girl last year."

Malfoy, startled and then exasperated, asks, "The dead Mudblood?"

"Lucius. For god's sake."

"Sorry. I didn't kill her."

"No?" Sirius detaches himself, walks across the room, and starts handling things on Malfoy's desk.

Malfoy watches the muscles ripple across Sirius's naked back as he lifts a heavy paperweight. Then he drops onto his elbows on the bed. "No. The reports of my brutality are greatly exaggerated."

"Is that so."

"Yes. That is so. You idiot. Now get over here and let me ravish you." Sirius turns around. Malfoy would gasp, just looking at him, but he knows that Sirius is bored by admiration. Raising his eyes to where Sirius's hair brushes his collar bones, he notices the grim set of Sirius's usually soft mouth and something hollow in his eyes. "Baby. What is it?"

Sirius finds it extremely disturbing that Malfoy has settled so naturally into the idea of their "relationship," that he uses endearments James would never use with another boy, and that he thinks their recent intimacy completely negates their longstanding enmity. He says, "Don't call me that."

Malfoy rolls his eyes. "Fine. Black, then. What the hell is going on?"

"Just tell me what happened."

Malfoy flops back onto the bed and blows his hair out of his face. "Funny that people think I did it. I wasn't even there. This Muggle-born girl crashed a meeting and walked into a blood barrier. I am sorry it happened, Sirius, but Muggle or no Muggle, that wasn't very bright."

Sirius is appalled. "There's a barrier that...kills people? Who aren't of pure blood?"

"Yes. For god's sake, Sirius. Everyone knows that."

"I didn't."

"You have kept yourself rather determinedly apart."

"That's murder."

"Oh, Sirius. People die all the time. Hexes go awry, that sort of thing. It's even more common among Muggles. They're always being hit by those big red filibusters---"

"Omnibuses. It isn't funny."

"No." Malfoy sits up and tries to catch Sirius's eyes, but Sirius is deeply involved in examining a fossilized dragon tooth. "Look, Sirius. I know you think I'm up to my eyeballs in this stuff, but the fact is, I actually don't give a damn. I find the Dark Arts about as gripping as Herbology."

"Apathy isn't a defense."

"Thank you, Che Guevara." Sirius looks up, startled. Malfoy shrugs. "I liked your t-shirt. I looked it up."

Sirius nods, not mollified.

Malfoy sighs and says, "Come on, lover. Don't be mad." He walks across the room and stands in front of Sirius. Sirius is looking down, concentrating on the object in his hands. Malfoy presses cool finger tips to either side of Sirius's tensed jaw, gently raises his chin, and waits until Sirius reluctantly lifts his eyes. Then Malfoy kisses him.

Sirius's eyes close, but his mouth remains completely still. "You didn't do anything to stop it."

Malfoy's lips are still moving against Sirius's. He murmurs, "I told you. I wasn't even there."

"She died, Lucius. She was our year. Remus knew her."

Suddenly annoyed, Malfoy pulls away. "All right. You win. I'm evil. I don't bloody care about orphaned puppies. I like my ancient manor houses and my obsequious house elves."

Sirius is watching him coldly.

"But the real point is how rotten it is, hiding all the time. As far as Muggles are concerned, we don't even exist."

"That's ridiculous. We're hardly sequestered. Not performing magic in front of non-magic users---"

"We have powers they don't. They aren't our equals."

"That's not an argument for genocide."

Malfoy sighs. "If you must know, I loathe the blood barrier. It's a sign of our fear. We're threatened by Muggles. That's why we hide from them and that's why some of us want to kill them. I myself doubt murder is the solution."

"You doubt it's the solution? Fucking hell, Lucius." Without warning, Sirius hurls a heavy piece of crystal at the stone fireplace behind Malfoy. It shatters spectacularly. Malfoy, unflinching, feels a rain of tiny splinters pierce his bare back. Sirius grits his teeth and asks, "And oppression is?"

"We already have oppression. Look at how we treat goblins. Or giants. Or werewolves. Your friend Lupin, for example."

Sirius scowls. "Those are problems we need to solve, not templates for changing our relations with Muggles."

"There are too many problems, Sirius. You're better off with a lesser-of-evils position."

Sirius feels battered; he misses James's innocent righteousness and Remus's ability to assess the grays without losing sight of the truth. He finds his shirt and starts turning it right side out. "I'm going."

Malfoy pulls the shirt away from him. "Stay."

"You want sex after that conversation? Your cynicism exhausts me."

"Not quite all of you," says Malfoy, tugging his belt open.

"Yeah, well. Don't feel too special."

Malfoy puts his hand over Sirius's mouth and topples them onto the bed.