Love Among the Marauders

Chapter Four

Sirius ambushes James in a grove of trees behind the Quidditch field. The sky is very black, pricked and smeared with icy stars. There is no moon. James is leaning against an elm. Sirius walks up and stands next to him. Not touching, not talking.

Eventually, James says, "Go away, Sirius. This thing with Lily. It's...final."

"I don't believe you." Sirius rotates to face him, their bodies almost touching. "You're obviously delusional." He aligns their hips and runs his hands around to the small of James's back. "Probably from lack of a good---"

"Stop it."

Sirius takes a step back. "Fine." Then he says, his voice toneless, "And you're sure she's with you?"

"You think she's cheating on me."

"God, James. I'm sorry---"

"Sirius. Shut up for a minute. I'm going to break a vow right now. For you. All right? Because you're driving me to it and apparently my integrity is worth less than I thought. Or maybe just less you are." Sirius nods and waits. "There's a prophecy that requires Lily and me to be together."

There is a very long pause. Sirius leans against a tree, a whole-body sarcasm replacing his tension, and says, "Huh."

"What?"

"Odd prophecy. Thou shalt throw over the love of your life for a girl who's loathed you for six years. And can't tear herself away from her lunk of an ex. I'd have thought saving the world would involve something a little more obviously heroic."

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you, but apparently not. Nor am I thrilled to get nailed by the fates just when I was about to be free to live my life. All right? So don't look at me like that." James clenches his jaw and takes a breath. "I am sorry about all this. You know that, right?"

"Are you?"

"What does that mean?"

"Maybe you're relieved."

"What?"

Sirius gestures between them. "This. The whole question of our unorthodox relations, just...poof! Perhaps it's rather nice."

James grabs his wrist. They both look at his hand. James remembers Sirius grabbing Malfoy's wrist in the owlery and then bursting into his room with sex hair. "Or maybe you're relieved. Now you can go back to Malfoy."

Sirius looks as though James has struck him. He shakes his wrist loose. "Please, James. Don't say things like that." He is very pale.

"Why not?" And suddenly, James is shuddering with rage. "You fuck the most loathsome piece of slime on the entire planet and I'm just supposed to keep my mouth shut? How did you think I'd feel? You woke up in bed with him, Sirius. In his bed." Somehow the intimacy of that is the worst. If they had just had sex in the Forbidden Forest or in an empty classroom and then separated, but the idea that Sirius actually fell asleep there...afterward...as if he were that comfortable, that sated, with Malfoy's head on his chest, his fingers twined in that silky, silver hair... James thinks he may be sick. "Unorthodox," says James bitterly. "You think that was the problem? The problem is that you're such a fucking slut."

"James," says Sirius, his voice raw. "I'd poke my eyes out if that would undo it, but you did break up with me. You're with Lily."

"God, you're such an idiot. I thought if anyone could tell it was a farce..."

"It isn't a farce. You chose this. Lily, or this prophecy, whatever it is. Over me."

"You were just supposed to know, Sirius. Just see through it. Not sleep around and make me break my word to Dumbledore."

"James. Fine. We're both wrong. Please shut up." Sirius slides his hands under James's belt and yanks their hips together, his lips on James's cheek, searching for his mouth. James can feel Sirius's erection pressing against him and is mildly amazed, somewhere in the midst of his despair, that Sirius is always so bloody horny.

James pushes him off and suddenly they are fighting. James feels his fist meet the hard muscles of Sirius's abdomen and then his legs collapse beneath him as Sirius tackles him. They roll across the wet grass, struggling. James is on top for a minute, trying to lock Sirius's legs with his knees, and then is abruptly on his back, his arms pinned behind his head, Sirius's hair falling in his face.

Sirius murmurs, "Now I've got you."

James knows he is immobilized, knows he already knew that Sirius would do this. He says, "God. Please don't do this. It just...hurts. Sirius. I can't---"

"Shhhh," says Sirius.

"Please. You idiot," says James, but Sirius just shakes his head no, and James closes his eyes and gives himself up to Sirius's soft mouth.

*

Malfoy, watching from the shadows, feels as though all the blood in his body has turned to bile. He does not think it is the sight of Sirius's slim, long form on top of someone else, or of that black hair brushing someone else's cheek. Malfoy is not monogamous by nature and although he expects fidelity from Julian, he understands that Sirius is in a different league, is so desirable precisely because he cannot be controlled. What he can't bear is that focus, that combination of presumption and tenderness that is the nature of possessive love. He has never felt it; he is sure none of the suck-ups and mercenaries he sleeps with has felt it for him.

Or maybe he did feel it, briefly, last night, when Sirius, with the charismatic ease of someone who is used to being loved, said to him afterward, "Come here," and guided Malfoy's cheek into the hollow of his shoulder, rested his jaw against the top of his head, and gently stroked his hair. Perhaps, just then, Malfoy felt contented, peaceful, a little bit loved. Not, he reminds himself irritably, that it meant a bloody thing. Malfoy, who usually likes to watch, feels like someone is rubbing the skin off his body with sandpaper.

On his way back down to the Slytherin dungeon, he runs into Lily. "Why, Miss Evans," he says, bowing slightly. "Looking for your boyfriend?"

"I... No." She looks at him warily. "Why?"

"Well, because I've just seen him. He is, even as we speak, out on the lawn beyond the Quidditch pitch, fucking his boyfriend into oblivion. Have a pleasant evening." The sight of Lily's mouth dropping open and then hardening into a line cheers him considerably. He keeps walking, but almost immediately feels Lily's hand on his arm. "What is it, Miss Evans?"

"I need to talk to Snape."

"I know infidelity is rather shocking, and Severus is a fine, er, figure of a---"

"Shut up, Malfoy. Just let me into the Slytherin common room so I can talk to him."

*

Snape raises his eyebrows when he sees Lily but agrees to follow her to an empty classroom. She says, "I need a potion."

"And I would do that because?"

"You owe me."

This is true. Two years earlier, Lily had taken up for Snape against James and Sirius more than once. He had been rather nasty about it, insisting that he did not need the help of a disgusting Mudblood. Then, one cold late-March evening of the previous year, she had found him drenched from a ducking in the lake and quite naked, standing behind a beech tree, crying with frustration, trying to decide what to do. She had offered him her cloak, and walked him back up into the castle, so that rather than seeming to have been humiliated in a prank, he appeared, briefly, to be enjoying the voluntary company of the lovely Lily Evans.

Lily says, "Well?"

"What's it for?"

"To knock someone out."

"Ah. Who?"

"I want Corwyn to drop off his broom during the Hufflepuff match."

"Evans. Such malice."

"Yeah, well. I was almost a Slytherin."

Snape cocks an eyebrow. "Did you have anything in mind?"

"I tried to make a Black Grotto, but it came out kind of perfumy."

He looks mildly impressed. "That one's tricky. And not strong enough. He's, what? Six two, six three? Twelve or thirteen stone?" She shrugs and nods. "I have something better. Works on contact with bare skin. Guaranteed to knock out a werewolf." Off of her look, he adds, "Don't underestimate me, Evans."

"I don't. Any side effects?"

"Just a rather evil hangover."

*

James won't even speak to Sirius after the incident on the lawn. Sirius can't believe it. Remus says, "We've been over this, you idiot. Sex is not an emotional panacea."

"For me it is."

"You didn't get seduced against your will."

"Moony. Trust me. He was very willing."

"Please don't share. What I mean is, you aren't going to be able to fix this by fucking his brains out."

Sirius laughs. "I can't believe you actually just said that. Remus Lupin. This is an historic occasion."

"You drove me to it. Look, I know this is terrible, but the truth is, you both need a break. And I need a break. If you can't focus on Arithmancy, you're going to have to get out of here."

Sirius nods, not quite sulking, and wanders back to the common room. When Lily comes in, he asks, "Where's James?"

"Why?"

"I want him."

"You don't say. Hiding from you, as it happens."

He steps toward her and she involuntarily steps back. The wall is just behind her. Sirius's eyes are very black and hot. He seems enormous, suddenly, and she struggles to keep her composure. He places his hands flat against the wall on either side of her head, leans in, and asks, "Is that right?" Then he smiles at her and her stomach flips over and she can't tell if she's frightened or kind of...interested. Bloody hell. Sirius Black. Whom she hates. "And I guess you aren't busy comforting him because you have some, ah, extracurricular interests to take care of?"

Now she's furious. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She puts her hands up to push him away and instantly regrets it because pushing on him is like pushing on granite. He brings one hand down and traps her wrists. She feels like a bird and wishes she were bigger. This would never happen to a tall, muscular, Quidditch-playing girl. But she still has her tongue. "Oh. I see. Infidelity. Well, you're the expert. James will be very hurt when he finds out you let your little demon boy toy watch the other night." Sirius looks startled and drops her wrists. She smiles evilly at him. "Good luck keeping that a secret."

"What---?"

"I ran into him afterward. He provided me with a little recap. 'Fucking into oblivion,' I think, was the phrase he used. He seemed quite titillated. You're clearly keeping him very happy." Sirius just stares at her, alarmed and wounded. She wonders how she ever felt scared of him. After a moment, she steps away and heads toward the stairs.

"Lily---" He sounds bereft.

She doesn't turn around. She is perfectly aware that of course he had no idea about Malfoy, but she's too angry to care.

When James comes in, Sirius follows him up to his room and tries to wrap his arms around him but James shrugs him off and then slams him hard against the wall. Sirius does not resist and his head smacks back against the stone.

James lets go and says, "You can't fix this. I'm sorry but you can't." He takes a deep breath. "In fact, you're making such an ass of yourself that it's finally getting easier. So. This is the end."

"James. I should have figured it out, about you and Lily. You're right. I'm an idiot. But now I know. And the whole thing with Lucius, with Malfoy... God, James, I'd do anything to make that---"

James looks exhausted. "It makes a good break. It was ending anyway."

"What? No it wasn't. It was not. James. What are you saying? I love you."

"Maybe. I don't know. I mean, if I weren't around, you'd obviously be fucking someone."

Sirius looks stricken.

"You know it's true. So I got lucky for a few years. That was nice. But now it's over. Something larger is happening. The world is bigger than we are, Sirius. And I know you don't want to understand this, maybe you can't understand it, but it's more important than we are. If I can be part of stopping what's coming, then I'm not going to get derailed by...hormones."

Sirius steps away from him and backs toward the door. He says, very softly, "Goodbye, James." James sits down on the bed and watches him leave. He waits for the click of the door for so long that he finally realizes Sirius must already be gone.