Snape's Special Thesis

Severus Snape was having trouble with his thesis.

He was compiling a book. Not by his choice, certainly, but he was a professor and Dumbledore had quite recently come to him and informed him that his professor-ship was in jeopardy. Seeing as how he did Potions-this and Potions-that all the time, Snape decided to branch out with this project.

To put it quite simply, he was bored.

Which was why he was currently sitting on the couch in the Weasley-Granger household, notebook in hand, watching something that could in no way be connected to cauldrons. A good befuddlement Potion, yes. Cauldrons? Hell, no.

"Aw, has Ronald been a bad daddy? Yes, he most certainly has. He'd better not argue, he'd better just hop on over here for his spanking, hadn't he? Now. Would Ronald prefer the paddle or has he been bad enough for bare hands tonight?"

No, Snape was certainly not bored. But he just couldn't see properly. "Ms. Granger, would it be possible for you to move a bit to the right? My thesis is not on negligees, now is it?"

Hermione Granger leapt about ten feet in the air and clutched at the filmy what-the-hell-IS-the-point robe she had on. "Holy Merlin! Ronald Weasley, what is he doing here??"

Said Bad Daddy lifted his head from the bed and smiled encouragingly at Snape. "Mione, we spoke about this. You agreed we could help the professor out with his research."

Hermione fumed. "Yes, but... I didn't know he was coming tonight! How did you get in here anyway?"

Snape tapped his notebook impatiently. "Settle down, Ms. Granger. Let's get back to business, shall we? I believe you were about to..." He consulted his notes. "Ah yes. Select the method of punishment. Please continue."

Hermione glared at him, hands on her lace-covered hips. "I most certainly shall not! Just what is your thesis anyway?"

Come to think of it, Snape was not certain what his thesis was himself. Trust a lousy know-it-all to point that out.

"The different forms of bondage and their application in the domestic setting. What did you think it would be, Granger?" he huffed. "Potions?"

Hermione hmphed and crossed her arms. Ron looked chagrined. "Uh, professor, perhaps you should go. She's just going to go all frigid now and I was kind of hoping..."

Snape rose with an exaggerated sigh and tucked his notes away. "Just keep in mind, Mr. Weasley, Ms. Granger, that you will not be credited in my appendices due to your lack of interest in posterity."

"Posterity?? Why you slimy little--!"

Snape ducked out the bedroom door, just missing the lamp Hermione chucked at him.

* * *

The next evening, it was time for his second case study, and he could already tell that this one would be much more fruitful. It was just that it was so dark down here. He was having trouble taking notes. And the dank basement smell was making him sneeze.

At least this time there was a Slytherin involved. Snape's day was looking up.

"Now, Severus," Draco Malfoy said matter-of-factly, "the trick is to show him who's boss."

"Yes, Drakey, you show him," said Harry, grinning lewdly.

"Shut it, you." Draco clapped Harry's hands in wall irons and shoved him flush against the stone. "I paid good Malfoy money for this dungeon. I expect you to recognize that. I'm going to teach you some manners, and your childish lip is not invited."

He buckled the harness deftly around Harry's bare waist. Snape watched carefully, jotting notes. He was impressed by the way Harry managed to jut his hips forward into Draco's hand as he tightened the buckles.

Apparently, Draco was impressed as well.

"Now, now, Potter, none of those shenanigans yet. Can't have me getting too riled up too soon."

Harry pouted. "Wish you'd call me Harry, like you usually do."

Draco snorted and looked at Snape exasperatedly. "You see? Much too self-sufficient for a proper dungeon pet. With obstinate subjects, it is often appropriate and necessary to use a muzzle of some sort."

"I see," Snape murmured, writing this down as Draco applied the muzzle.

"Mmmm..."

"Harry! Cut that out. There will be plenty of time for that later, when I say so."

"Fut Dwaco..."

"Kindly open your mouth so I can remove my fingers!"

"Nofe."

"Sometimes, Severus," Draco ground out, "it is necessary to enforce some discipline."

"Yes," Snape muttered, scribbling feverishly.

"It's times like these that I utilize time-tested apparati and methods."

Harry smiled, finally letting go of Draco's fingers. "Oh, the apparati and methods."

"Severus, look here, this is quite important. You must exert control and be domineering, yet gentle enough that your pet feels comfortable."

Snape observed while Draco gained the upper hand.

"Umm...Okay, Harry, perhaps that's feeling a little too comfortable."

"Well, I can't help it when you do that to my... ahem... with your tongue, Draco."

"Mmmmm... yes, that certainly is... wait, wait, wait! How did you get loose? You are not cooperating, Harry! Severus needs our help and you are just being -- ooh! Why, you little - difficult!"

"Thought you liked me difficult."

"Gah! Keep your hands to yourself!"

"And what exactly would you like me to do with my hands?"

"I am trying to - mmmm - show Severus how to - sst! Holy Salazar! - tease one's pet - oh god - damn it, Harry, cut it out!"

"Shouldn't you be saying 'Potter', Draco?"

"I meant Potter."

"Sure you did."

"So help me, Harry, if this is the only way to shut you up--"

"Oh ye--mmph."

Snape waited patiently for several minutes. Then he waited for several more minutes. And then he played hangman for several minutes. And then he plugged his ears for several minutes. And then he tried getting their attention.

"SO THEN I SUPPOSE," he yelled, determined to be heard over the noise, "SOME PETS ARE MORE CONTROLLING THAN OTHERS?"

Crash bang tumble scrape.

"THOSE CHAINS DON'T SEEM TO BE WORKING, DO THEY?"

Snarl bam growl.

"DO EITHER OF YOU KNOW WHO THE DUNGEON MASTER IS ANYMORE?"

Bang gasp scratch gleeful shout.

"IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, I'VE GOT ANOTHER APPOINTMENT TO GET TO!"

Wham jerk clang snooooooog.

"OKAY THEN. CHEERS. I'M OFF."

Smash boom feeble wave pounce screech.

* * *

Snape was supposed to be heading over to Argus Filch's house for some hands-on dungeon-mastering, a task he was not really looking forward to. Luckily, there was a note on the door when he arrived.

Professor--

So sorry, unfortunately I am going to be unable to keep our appointment. PLEASE DO NOT KNOCK. Oh and PLEASE DO NOT RING THE BELL. And PLEASE DO NOT GO AROUND BACK TO THE CELLAR DOOR AND COME DOWN. I am not home.

I suggest going to this address and asking them for information for your thesis. They are my equipment suppliers and they have proven very helpful.

Oh, and after you do NOT come down through the cellar door, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN AT THE GRATING EVEN IF IT SOUNDS LIKE MY VOICE WANKING OFF. I am not home.

Cheers, Argus

Snape walked away as quickly as he could, plugging his ears just in case.

The address led him to the door of a huge expensive-looking white marble building in the middle of Knockturn Alley. Snape gaped at it, as everything else in Knockturn Alley was painted with Evil Black^TM or Really Evil Gray^TM.

He went inside and was greeted by... a squeaky voice with no body. Snape looked around for a moment before he felt something tugging on his robes. He glanced down and found a house-elf yanking on his hem. "If sir pleases, he can follow me to place an order."

"Yes, take me to the head wizard."

The house-elf blinked at him, shrugged, and pattered off down a hall. Snape followed at an ungainly jog. He whipped around a corner, through a set of double doors and saw... more house-elves.

"Um," Snape said.

A house-elf wearing a crisp yellow business suit squinted at him boredly. "And what will sir be needing today? We have a special on metal whips and caramel harnesses for fifty percent off the market price."

"You run this place?" Snape said, gaping.

The house-elf quirked an eyebrow. "I don't see anybody else running the joint."

Snape shook his head. "My name is Severus Snape. I've been referred by Argus Filch. I'm compiling a report--"

"Splendid!" The house-elf clapped her hands twice. "You're just in time. We were about to send today's last shipment. You can go along. Flopsy!"

A tiny house-elf in a beret and kilt dashed in. The head elf handed her a slip of paper. "Take four sets of manacles, two chain-link leashes, a metal harness, a jumbo box of Weasley's Wibbling Doggy Treats, and this man to Messrs. Black and Lupin at Grimmauld Place."

The house-elf snapped her fingers four times, gathered up all of the newly appeared paraphernalia, reached a flailing hand up around the tall stack of boxes, and grabbed Snape's hand. With a whoosh, they Disapparated.

* * *

Flopsy got right to work as soon as they arrived, unpacking the crates and setting up supplies. Snape turned to the two house owners and shook hands. "Severus Snape. Charmed, I'm sure."

"Remus Lupin."

"Sirius Black. Welcome."

"I'm dreadfully sorry to bother you on such short notice. I'm compiling a report on the different forms of bondage and their application in the domestic setting. I was hoping--"

"Splendid," Remus said, smiling. "Always nice to see one with a good head on his shoulders. Could you stand over here please, and smile for the camera?"

Snape smiled, said cheese, and turned to the other man. "How many times a week would you say you engage in bondage activities?"

"Oh, at least eight times, I should think," Sirius said, lounging in a wheelie chair licking a lollipop. "Some weeks we try for double, but that gets a bit sore on the old tush, wouldn't you say?"

Snape nodded happily, jotting down notes. Remus took out a tape measure and measured Snape's height, humming. He marked off a spot, then wandered over to a rather formidable contraption and measured that too. It looked like a wheel, with straps and buckles at various intervals.

"Do you ever include a third party in your bondage experiences?" Snape asked, quill poised.

The two men blinked at him and then looked at each other, snickering.

"Third party? Pfff. What a silly question for him to ask," Sirius said. Remus chuckled. Snape laughed along too, hoping he would understand the joke once he got more information on bondage in general.

"Where did you say you worked?" Remus inquired, rummaging through a large chest near the wheel. He tossed out a whip and three studded collars.

Snape frowned at the change in topic and looked at his notes. "Hogwarts. I teach Potions. Speaking of which, do you ever utilize potions in your bondage experiences?"

"Oh, that beastly stuff? Never. We never go in for something so painful," said Remus primly, picking up a cat-o-nine-tails and flicking it deftly. Sirius grinned at Snape.

"It really is so much fun on a full moon," he offered. "What did you say your hobbies were?"

"I didn't," Snape said, feeling confused. "Why does that make a difference?"

"Oh, we just like getting to know the people who come over before things get started."

"Things? I don't..."

"Okay!" Flopsy interrupted. She dusted her hands off and walked over to Remus, leaning back to get a gander at his face. "I think that's all then. If sir will please read over the list and sign here?"

Sirius licked his lollipop and grinned at Snape. "Do you prefer a particular safe word, Severus?"

"What? Actually, could you please fill out this short questionnaire on bondage preferences? It will only take a moment."

Remus' voice could be heard behind him. "Got the manacles... leashes... doggy treats..."

Sirius winked. "They bark, do you see? By themselves. Those Weasley twins. Absolutely barmy."

"...harness... oh, did you bring those extra tennis balls like we talked about?"

"Oh, yes sir, complete with concealed spring-loaded spikes, yours to keep with our compliments."

"...and one male playthingy of average build, with black hair. Excellent, looks like everything. Cheerio!"

Flopsy bounced over, gave Snape a quick handshake and a squeaky good luck, and Disapparated. Sirius got up and shook Snape's hand as well. "It really is sporting of you to come."

"What did she mean just then?" Snape asked, staring at the spot Flopsy had just been standing.

Remus began taking off his clothing. "Would you say your Animagus form is canine in origin, Severus?"

"No, it's a snake. But..."

"Oh, that's splendid!" Sirius clapped his hands. "Bet you're pretty damn flexible aren't you?"

Snape was beginning to get worried. "About my report..."

"Yes, yes, your report," Remus said teasingly, grabbing one of the leashes and moving to Snape's side. "We intend to be very helpful in that respect. Sirius, love, I'm thinking the silver tonight."

"Ohhhh, you should feel honored, Severus," Sirius said gleefully. "He never lets me use silver on him!"

Snape looked around wildly. "Do you have a bathroom?"

"Down the hall to the right. Hurry back." Remus was completely nude now, and leering ferociously at Sirius, who was giggling. Snape hurried down the hall, went past the bathroom, and slipped out the front door just as the full moon slid out from behind the clouds. A loud growl sounded behind him, accompanied by a joyous bark. Snape glanced back once and doubled his speed.

* * *

Snape was looking forward to Bellatrix Lestrange's presentation. She was darker than a moonless night after all. More poisonous than a black mamba. Wilier than the Dark Lord himself. Deranged enough for St. Mungo's to fund a year-long study on the dirt under her fingernails alone. House elves ran from her in terror, and considering what he had seen the day before, that was saying something. She dealt specifically with Unforgivables.

And besides. Bellatrix the Dominatrix? Who could resist?

Snape grinned and waited eagerly, cup of tea in hand. This ought to be good. Now that he thought about it, it was amazing her husband was still alive at all.

"So, will you be beginning with manacles, or focusing on flagellation first?"

The Lestranges looked at him blankly. Bellatrix glanced at her husband and smirked evilly. "Thought you wanted to see our regular activities."

Snape nodded in a frenzied manner, his heart speeding up. If they thought those suggestions were tame... hot damn, this was going to be GOOD. "Oh, please excuse me, yes. Don't let me distract you."

Bellatrix sneered and gestured to her husband, who promptly took off his shirt and pants, revealing a tiny black thong. He walked over to the bed, followed by his wife, who tied his wrists firmly to the bed posts with studded black leather strips.

"Generally, I wear this little number," Bellatrix said, shedding her robe to reveal a shiny full black leather catsuit with spikes and buckles jutting out of various places. She donned leather biker gloves and pulled a black executioner's hood over her face. "It works especially well afterward because red fluids don't tend to show up on black."

Oh god... Snape shifted a bit. He didn't think he could stand a lot of blood.

"Then, of course, I use this." Bellatrix lifted the lid of a long black box and revealed a sinister glittering dagger. "This was passed down from my great-great-grandmother. Her husband liked her an awful lot."

"Must have been a tough man," Snape stammered.

Bellatrix grinned wickedly. "Ohhhhh, yes."

She walked over to the bedside table and picked through a long row of questionable-looking instruments. "Let's see, let's see... have we got everything?"

Rodolphus' voice sounded from the bed. "Dagger?"

Bellatrix smiled. "Check."

"Garroting wire?"

"Check."

"Blow torch?"

"Check."

"Parts bucket?"

"Of course, dear. I'd never dream of messing up the house with the cut-off bits."

Snape was starting to feel a bit icky.

"Alright then, I think we're ready, Severus." Bellatrix smiled and then suddenly clapped her hands. "Good Lord, I almost forgot the tour de force!"

She dashed out of the room and returned with an ominous black box. "This, Severus, is the kinkiest bit."

That said, she leapt onto the bed with a yowl, straddling her husband's prone form. She grasped the dagger in one hand and threw open the black box. "Prepare to be pleasured, slave!"

Snape bit his lip, eyes wide. He watched as she reached into the scary black box of his worst nightmares and pulled out...

"A STRAWBERRY??"

Bellatrix cooed girlishly and popped the burgeoning berry into her husband's mouth. He smacked his lips happily. "Mmm, that's a tasty one, love."

Snape dashed up to the bedside, goggle-eyed. "That's your tour de force? A bloody strawberry??"

"Well, what were you expecting?" Bellatrix asked in a confused voice, using the dagger to slice a big berry in half. She skewered a piece and slid it seductively into her husband's mouth.

"Butbutbut... wait a minute! What about the garroting wire?"

Bellatrix shrugged. "Have to have some way to cut up the watermelon later."

"The blow torch?"

Rodolphus licked his lips and frowned at Snape. "How else is she supposed to melt the chocolate?"

"And... and... the parts bucket?"

Bellatrix flicked the green strawberry leaves into the pail. "Honestly. What sort of housekeeper do you think I am?"

Snape grabbed his head in both hands. "This is ridiculous."

Bellatrix broke off a piece of a chocolate bar from the sinister black box and beeped Rodolphus on the nose with it before sliding it into his mouth. "Feeling alright, muffin?"

"Yes, cuddle bunny."

Snape wondered if the Lestranges would mind if he used their bucket to vomit in.

"You know what? I'm going to go now."

Bellatrix gave a sudden squeal. Snape turned around to see the garroting wire snap right through an overly large strawberry, spraying red juice all over her black cat suit. "Looks like you'll have to clean me up, sweetums!"

Snape smacked his palm into his forehead. He gathered up his books and notes as quickly as he could manage and stalked out of the very berried room in a huff.

* * *

The following Sunday, Snape had a very long, very thorough, and very dull treatise on the different uses of bicorn horn. Chapter one: What is a bicorn? Chapter two: How to catch a bicorn. Chapter three: Grinding bicorn horn. Chapter four: Shredding bicorn horn. Chapter five: Mixing bicorn horn. Appendices A, B, and C: How to manage not to stab oneself with bicorn horn while trying to use it, three variations. Dumbledore did look a bit put out when he finally received it, but Snape had been in a touchy mood all weekend so he left it alone. He did wonder a bit, though, when Severus jumped a mile every time the word "house-elf" came up in conversation.