Nine Days Till Christmas

DAY EIGHT: December 23^rd

Step 24: Pinch yourself

Great Hall, 9:42 AM

Harry decided to give up the pretense of eating entirely. Not only that, but also the pretense of picking at his food. He just stared at it as it sat there on his plate.

He was finally somewhat rested, and that alone amazed him. He'd expected to be up all night pondering the implications of what had happened. But as soon as he'd climbed into bed, his body had seen fit to shut down, sending him immediately into deep sleep. When he woke up in the morning he found he hadn't even moved.

And now he wasn't even remotely interested in pretending to be hungry. It wasn't that he was incredibly upset. Just uneasy. He wasn't sure what to make of Draco's mad rush down the hall the night before, and to tell the truth, he was still reeling from that kiss. It haunted him: the firm knowing grip of Draco's arms, the press of warm lips, the simple sense of comfort he'd felt for that moment. And then... it was gone.

He had no idea if Blaise had seen the kiss, or if he had walked up directly after. He had no idea what Blaise had been doing in that part of the castle. But he knew how much it stung to suddenly be bereft of that heat he'd so quickly come to need, and he knew Blaise's presence was somehow responsible for it. Draco had left... no, run away as soon as he saw him. But the question was, was it Blaise, or Draco?

Hermione sat down next to him and reached for a glass of orange juice. She looked fairly worn out. Her hair was a bit more messy than usual, her eyelids drooping sleepily. "Mmm, good morning, Harry. Have fun last night?"

Harry muttered noncommittally, and was glad of Hermione's tiredness: it kept her from noticing his dejected state. His friend took a sip of her juice, stretched her hand out for a piece of toast... and stopped. Slowly, she turned to him. "Harry?"

Well. So much for that.

Luckily, his other housemates - minus Neville, who headed for the Ravenclaw table - arrived in time to halt Hermione's questions. She looked frustrated at having to keep silent, but Harry was thanking his lucky stars that he had a friend who was so concerned about discretion. Ron was there after all, and he certainly would not be. And Harry had no desire for his personal problems to be common knowledge in Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw houses.

At this point he wasn't entirely certain where his private life stood in the other two houses.

Seamus sat down with a thump and grabbed Harry's orange juice. Harry did not even try to stop him. "God, I wish I'd gotten to know Lavender a bit better years ago. Think of all the time we've wasted!"

"So, are you two together now then?" Ginny asked, her mouth half-full of scrambled eggs. Seamus grinned mysteriously.

"Well, I don't want to brag or anything... but she found me utterly irresistible."

Dean coughed and smacked him hard on the shoulder. "Oh, leave off, you great twat. You've been pining after her for the last six months and you know it!"

Ginny burst out laughing, dropping her fork onto her plate with a loud clatter, and Ron joined her. Seamus' face was turning red.

"Alright, I officially fucking hate you, Dean."

More laughter. Harry caught Hermione's eye and saw a pleading look there. He sighed and shook his head at her. Not now, he mouthed. She frowned, then nodded hesitantly and turned back to her breakfast.

The owlpost arrived moments later, and Harry leaned back to let Pigwidgeon land with an awful tumble-thump right in the middle of his untouched plate. Ron snatched his owl from Harry's food with a hurried apology, and quickly untied the large envelop from his leg. Pig hooted cheerfully until Ginny took him and started stuffing food down his gullet.

Ron ripped open the envelope and began to read. "Oh, good! Mum and Dad are coming tomorrow morning, and they're bringing everyone along."

"What do you mean everyone?" Hermione asked.

Ron was grinning. "I mean everyone. Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, Percy... They're all coming!"

Harry felt stirrings of Ron's excitement. He hadn't seen the rest of the Weasleys in some time. It would be nice to catch up with the twins, see how Charlie's dragon work was coming along. During the war, the dragons had all gone who knew where. Just vanished overnight, as if they knew something bad was about to happen. It had worried the Order members a great deal at the time.

Ron began to read the letter out loud for Ginny's benefit, and Harry went back to staring, this time across the room at one of the Hogwarts crest tapestries lining the wall. He needed to think.

At least he could be certain of one thing: Draco had initiated the kiss. God, had he ever. Harry had not forced the mistletoe issue because he could hear the consternation in Draco's voice and knew immediately that it would be pushing too hard too fast. And surprisingly, it hadn't bothered him at all that he should wait. But then... Draco had come back and... Harry's body shivered. In that instant, all of his worries and nervousness had flown out the window. Draco wanted this. The Slytherin was so sure about it, every little press of his fingertips had told him so, the way he'd held Harry... And then, Blaise. And Harry didn't know what to think.

His eyes fell on the Slytherin table. Draco sat toward the far end, his head clutched in one hand, leaning over a plate of food that looked as if it had not been touched. His eyes were tightly closed. Blaise was sitting next to him, a scowl on his face. He was talking rapidly to Draco, intently, and Draco kept shaking his head. On the other side of Blaise was Pansy Parkinson... staring straight at Harry. He blinked. Her gaze was troubled in a different way than Blaise's. Thoughtful. Her brown eyes burned into his until Harry tore his gaze away. He was in time to see Draco slam his hands down and hiss something at Blaise. The other Slytherin quieted, lips set in a hard line. He glanced Harry's way and his scowl deepened. Draco's eyes flicked to Harry as well. Abruptly, the blond got up and stalked out of the Great Hall. Blaise said something to Pansy, his expression still twisted, but Pansy's gaze did not move from where it had been fixed the entire time.

* * *

Step 25: You deserve answers

Front atrium, 11:37 AM

Many of the younger students in Gryffindor tower were leaving that day to catch the train for London. None of Harry's dorm-mates were going, but some of their friends in other houses were. Harry followed the rest of his friends down the stairs to catch Luna and Lavender before they left. Seamus' good-bye was fun to watch: he sidled up to Lavender so quietly she jumped when she turned around and found him there. Blushing, she reached out a hand to shake his, but Seamus slapped it aside playfully and kissed her right in front of everyone, dipping her so deeply he would have left Hermione and Ron in the dust. Lavender was laughing so hard by the end of it that Seamus couldn't hold her and they fell in a heap, scattering all of her belongings. A few yards away, Luna gave Harry a quick hug, her eyes on the tangle of arms and legs.

"I expect he'll be beside himself until she gets back," she said thoughtfully. "It would be really nice to have someone like that to return to."

Harry nodded, smiling at her with a warmth only she could muster in him at the moment. "Yes, that would be nice."

"Happy Christmas, Harry. I do hope you like my present. It's the definitive work by the author, and I've found he really handles the criticism he gets quite well."

Harry furrowed his brow curiously, but Luna only picked up her bags and left the hall with a cheery wave. Neville was embracing Padma in the corner. Harry looked, and then looked again. Padma was smiling. Not a very big smile, but it was there nonetheless, bringing a little of the youth back to her face.

There was a tap on his arm, and Harry turned to find Megan the Ravenclaw standing there, face redder than a fire hydrant. She shifted nervously on her feet, clutching at the strap of her backpack. "Um, I, uh... I just wanted to apo- apologize for last night. I was, um..."

Harry smiled at her. "It's alright. I seem to cause a bit of nervousness in most people."

Her face broke into a beaming smile and her eyes glazed a bit. "Oh, no, don't be so hard on yourself, you are wonderful, really, I should know, I--" Suddenly her eyes bugged out again and she stuttered into silence. Harry was amused. "I--I mean... oh gosh, I--"

Harry sighed, still smiling. He reached out and clasped her hand in his, giving it a firm shake. "Happy Christmas, Megan."

The girl stared at their clasped hands, then gaped at him. She bit her lip and smiled so brightly he thought she would explode. "Happy Christmas!"

With a sudden gasp, the girl whirled around and ran for the door, still blushing furiously and staring at the hand he had shaken. Harry heard a chuckle behind him.

"Jeez, Harry, don't give her any hope. It'll just disappoint her later," Ron said, grinning.

Harry shrugged. Ron clapped him on the shoulder. "Neville's going to go with Padma to the train. The rest of us are heading back to the Common Room for a game of cards. Oh, and Harry, Hermione's been acting rather odd. All quiet and frowning and such. Do you have any idea what's wrong with her? Because I can't get it out of her."

Harry was trying to find some way to hedge around the subject when he saw Draco. Well, not just Draco. The blond was standing near the entrance to the dungeons watching the students leave. Blaise was over with a couple of second year Slytherins, a tolerant smirk on his face as he pointed out something on what looked like a map.

Harry made a quick decision and headed for Draco, leaving a slightly put-out Ron at the foot of the staircase. The Slytherin had a vacant look in his eyes, and it wasn't until Harry was a few feet away that he noticed him and jumped. Draco's jaw clenched and he flicked his eyes in Blaise's direction. Harry licked his lips.

"Hi."

The Slytherin mumbled something that sounded like hello and looked down. Harry hesitated, then went on. "You forgot your cloak last night. It's up in my room, but it will only take a minute for me to get it if you want."

Draco shook his head, lips pressed together. "I'll get it later. It's no big deal."

"Draco, are you alright? Last night I wasn't sure if--"

Suddenly the blond flipped his gaze to Harry's. His eyes narrowed darkly. "Just leave it, Potter. I'm fine."

Harry's mouth went dry and he backed up a step. "No, you're not, any idiot can see that. I think we should talk abou--"

"What's there to talk about, Potter?" Draco snorted, a smirk riding his features. "It was just a damn Yule Ball."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't talking about that," he said in a low voice.

"Yes, I know what you were talking about." Draco sighed and looked around again, gesturing. "And you're going to bring up something like that in public again? Like last week?"

Harry looked around. Ron was standing by the stairs, as was Hermione, and she was biting her lip. Most of the rest of the students were gone, having been herded out the door by the teachers. Blaise stood a short distance away, frowning, his dark eyes glinting. Harry lowered his voice even more. "If you want, we can go somewhere else, but I really think--"

Draco stepped away, putting a little more distance between them. "I disagree. There's nothing to talk about."

"What?"

The Slytherin gave an exasperated huff and leaned in again. "I don't need to go anywhere else to say this. This was a mistake, right from the beginning, Potter! I should never have let you talk me into this spending time together thing. It was in my mind the whole time, that it wasn't just friendship to you, but I didn't pay attention, and now look what's happened."

Harry felt anger building in his chest. He glared at Draco. "What the hell are you talking about? Last night wasn't an accident."

Draco threw up his hands dismissively. "I was drunk! We both were. Last night was an accident, Potter! We slipped up."

"You were the one who kissed me!"

There was a soft gasp from Hermione. Blaise moved a step closer, chewing his lip.

Draco's face contorted in anger. "It was a mistake, then. One I don't ever intend to repeat."

Harry felt like he'd been socked in the chest. He fell back a step, his mouth working, but no sound coming out. He stared at Draco. "I thought... but you..."

Draco sighed and shook his head fiercely. His eyes were full of uncertain anger, but his words bit sharply. "No, Potter. I never wanted that, I made it clear the very first day you asked, but you just pressed on with it!"

Abruptly Harry was being pulled aside. Ron got in between them, fists clenched so tightly the freckles on his hands had disappeared. "Fuck you, Malfoy!" he said hotly.

Draco sneered at him, a new level of anger blossoming on his face. "Oh, fuck off, Weasel! For once in your miserable life, don't get involved in what doesn't concern you!"

Ron's face turned an ugly shade of red and he made as if to grab Draco, but suddenly Blaise was there, pushing him back. "Don't touch him, Weasley, I swear I'll--"

"You'll what?" Ron gestured at Draco. "This is all his damn fault, and if you knew anything about him, you'd realize that! But then, you're just like him, aren't you?"

"Ron, stop it!" Hermione cried.

Blaise pushed Ron away with a sneer. "What the hell do you care what I'm like, Weasley? We're all just stupid conniving evil Slytherins to you anyway."

Hermione grabbed Ron's arm to keep him from jumping on Blaise. "That's not what we think! If you all just shut up for one second--"

Ron struggled against his girlfriend, still yelling at Blaise. "Oh, that's rich, coming from you! You both treat every Gryffindor in the school like their feelings don't matter, it's always about you--"

"Please stop," Harry pleaded softly.

Blaise and Ron stilled, Hermione between them. Everyone looked at him. Harry stared at Draco. He knew he looked terrible, absolutely bared for all to see, but it hardly mattered anymore. Draco met his eyes, and the scowl melted away, leaving a helpless look. But then the blond glanced at Blaise and back, and there was that hard anger again. Harry dropped his eyes.

"Just stop it, all of you. It doesn't matter anymore, don't you know that?"

The anger on Ron's face was replaced by shame. He let go of Blaise. "Harry--"

"Just leave it alone!" Harry said sharply. His chest felt like it had been hollowed out with a rake. "Just... stop fighting."

He couldn't stay there anymore or he'd break down right in front of them and he couldn't have that. He turned and made for the stairs. His last look at the small group showed him Blaise's confused face, Hermione's worried eyes, Ron's slack jaw, and Draco's... Draco wasn't looking at him.

He had to get out of there.

Halfway up the stairs, he felt Hermione's hands on his arms, heard her whispering something, but it was just a muddled buzz in his ear. He wanted to sleep until he could convince himself he'd dreamed the whole thing.

* * *

Step 26: Picking up the loose threads you've left

Gryffindor boys' dormitory, 2:49 PM

"Did he really kiss him?"

"That's what Harry says. Says he did it all by himself, Harry didn't do anything. There was mistletoe, but... I don't know, Ron."

A helpless sigh. "That stupid bastard. Why does he always have to hurt everyone?"

Harry listened dully to his best friends' whispered voices. He had been lying there facing the wall and pretending to be asleep for a little while now, just able to hear the soft conversation over by Ron's bed. It had bothered him vaguely when it woke him, but then it had faded with everything else into the realm of that which did not matter anymore. Hermione had coaxed what had happened out of him, then sent him to bed, and he'd slept - actually slept - for... well he didn't really know how long.

"I think there's more to it; I just can't believe Malfoy would do this. He asked me where Harry was that one day and he just seemed... so anxious to talk to him, Ron!"

"Oh, come on, Hermione, is it really so hard to believe? Malfoy's always been a bastard to us, all of us. One week can't change that."

Harry sat up quickly and got off his bed. Hermione's response stuttered into wide eyed silence. They both watched him as he gathered several books off the floor and toed his shoes on. "Going to the library to turn these in."

Hermione got up quickly. "Harry, I can do that for you if you want."

He shook his head. "No, it's alright."

He walked out of the room, down to the Common Room. Neville, Seamus, and Dean were all sitting in chairs around the fire. They looked up when he came in. Dean cleared his throat nervously. "Harry, are you..."

He nodded silently, gave them a half-wave, and left the tower. He trudged his way down to the library, not really watching where he was going. It wasn't until after he'd reached the very bottom of the stairs that he realized he'd gone too far. The library wasn't on the ground floor. Harry sighed and made to go back up when a raised voice caught his ear.

It took him a quarter of a second to recognize it as Draco's.

The Slytherin was in the dungeon hallway near the stairwell, in the middle of a heated discussion with someone. Harry stood frozen at the foot of the stairs, one hand on the railing.

"...don't see what the hell it matters to you, anyway. What I do is my own business, you've said that to me so many times I can't count them all."

A girl's voice answered and it was a long moment before Harry realized it was Pansy Parkinson hissing back in an undertone. "Draco, do you like him? ...Well, do you? I think that's the only question you need to ask."

Draco spat his answer back at her. "As I said before, it shouldn't make any difference to you! Who I like and who I don't like... Bloody hell, if I wanted to be with someone, anyone, it wouldn't be as big a deal as you're making it out to be!"

Pansy's voice sounded strangely choked when she answered. "Draco, you just don't want to get too close to anyone! I should bloody well know!"

"Oh, let's dredge up a few old memories, shall we, Parkinson? Alright then. Explain to me how I've ruined your perfect life!"

"You couldn't ruin my life if you tried, you arse! You just aren't that important to me. Not anymore. But you could ruin someone else's life, and you may have already done so!"

"You're a liar. Why the hell are you here if I don't matter to you?"

Pansy sighed. Her voice became placating. "You're right, you do matter to me. Draco, you're one of my closest friends. I can't just stand by while you make a complete mess of the only person you've ever managed to connect with since the war--"

"I don't need to hear this, Pansy! What the hell do you know about the war? Were you there when the Death Eaters attacked? The Dementors? If I remember correctly, you hid at home with your family--"

"Don't you dare imply that I gave nothing to the cause, Draco Malfoy! My family was deep in, we got you half the information you used to win that last battle. I didn't want to be out there, I'm not going to lie and say I did. I was terrified! I didn't want to fight, or be a spy, or put my family's and friends' lives on the line - yes, your life - by being a klutz when it was most important that I succeed! We were ordered to stay away, and we did, and you won. But you are about to lose this time and I'm not going to sit and watch it happen."

Draco snorted. "When did you become such an expert on my life, Pansy? We've barely spoken for months, just the casual hellos and what have you. I appreciate the sentiment, truly, but don't think you can just walk through the halls day in and day out with your eyes averted until I stop bothering to talk to you alone, and then expect you can waltz over here and think you know me! Don't pretend to be able to advise me when you've become the next closest thing to a stranger!"

Pansy's voice rose. "I don't want to be strangers anymore, Draco! And I'm sorry I let it go as far as I did, you're right, I should've made more of an effort after the war, but I was dealing with a lot of issues and I just... pushed everyone away. But I don't want that anymore!"

"And that's supposed to make it all better, is it? You know, I bought you a present, Pansy. For Christmas. For old time's sake. A journal for your drawings and your pictures. But I don't fucking know if you even draw or take pictures anymore! All I know is what Blaise tells me, what I see when you're with Millicent, and let me tell you, Parkinson, that's not a whole hell of a lot! Don't talk to me like a friend because somewhere along the line, you stopped being my friend and just became an acquaintance."

"Draco, what are you doing? Do you see what you're doing? You're still pushing everything away, and when it makes an overture of some sort you just turn around and run, and shove it away so hard it gets damaged. Some things are irreparable, you can't just sling them around because you don't want to risk anything yourself!"

"I'll thank you to leave me to my own life, Pansy! I know what I'm doing, and I certainly know what I want!"

"This could be the best thing that's ever happened to you and you're just going to let it go?" Pansy cried.

Harry could practically hear Draco's scowl. His words grated, low and dangerous. "Leave off, Pansy. You've overstepped your bounds. This discussion is over."

Harry heard footsteps - Draco, walking away. The stride, the heaviness of his footfalls, the muttered curses told him more about the Slytherin's state of mind than anything he could have seen. He leaned against the railing, swallowing hard, closing his eyes and trying to keep himself from breaking apart.

A soft sniff sounded just around the corner and Harry's eyes snapped open. He held his breath, heard someone sigh. The sound ended in a shaky sob. Pansy's voice came, hushed and tearful. "Draco, you stupid arse... You've blown it. You've just... blown it."

* * *

By the time Harry made it back to the library and dropped off the remedial potions books he'd borrowed, his head was aching and he was wishing he'd never stepped outside his room. Every movement was draining him. The memory of Draco's voice shouting in the hallway, and the utter surprise at help from such an unexpected quarter as Pansy Parkinson left him winded and tired to the bone.

So the next voice he heard just outside the library doors nearly knocked him over.

"What the hell did you do to him, Potter?"

Harry turned to see Blaise standing there, an angry frown on his face. He sighed, the last bit of energy he had slipping away. "I don't know."

It obviously wasn't the answer Blaise had been expecting because he blinked and did not speak right away. The Slytherin hitched his shoulders once and tried again, glaring, but now there was confusion under his words. "Well, think of something! You've managed to turn him completely upside down in the space of seven days. The least you could do is tell me how to correct it!"

Harry faced the other boy with a steadiness that surprised him. Must have been his last surge of strength before crashing. "I didn't push him, if that's what you're thinking. I thought I knew him well enough to... But I don't know what I did."

Blaise's face did the strangest thing: it crumpled into a helpless frustrated grimace. He grabbed Harry's arm and pushed him against the wall, hissing into his face. "What is it about you? Why does he let you get to him so damn much? It's only been seven days and already you're... What makes you so bloody special that he'll let you get so close?"

Harry stared at Blaise open-mouthed. The Slytherin looked him up and down angrily, then released him and stepped back. Harry pushed himself slowly off the wall, watching as Blaise's face flushed. The boy shook himself, grimacing again, and eyed Harry nervously.

"Look," he said in a hard voice. "All I know is that my best friend is in pieces, and it's because of you. Or something you did. I'm not going to watch you walk all over him!"

Harry just shook his head wordlessly, looking down. Tears came to his eyes. When he met Blaise's gaze again, the Slytherin started and peered at Harry, mouth hanging open. "Potter, what..."

"I didn't want to hurt him. Never wanted that. But... you can tell him I won't bother him anymore."

"Potter--"

But Harry just shook his head again and walked away. His headache was gone, and he just felt empty. Like he'd never be full again.

* * *

Step 27: Regression

Gryffindor boys' dormitory, 11: 58 PM

Harry woke himself with his own cries for the first time in three months. The smell of blood still lingered in his nostrils, the red mist swirling in his eyes. Ron was at his side in an instant, enfolding Harry gently in his arms. Seamus, Neville, and Dean looked on anxiously as Ron rocked Harry until the hitching of his body quieted. There were tears in Ron's voice as he whispered, more to himself than to anyone else, "That bastard... I'm going to kill him... You were doing fine until this whole thing..."

Harry let Ron's warmth soothe him into sleep again, never opening his mouth to tell his friend that there were no slitted red eyes in the dream this time. Just clouded sightless grey, and dull once-shining hair fanning out into the thickening mud.