Lockhart's Diary

Wizarding Diary
By Flourish and Blotts
For All Your Diarying Needs

Name:

Gilderoy Lockhart
Occupation: Hero
Address: Sorry, cannot be disclosed for my own safety. Fan mail should be addressed with my name only, and my handy charm will do the rest.
If you find this diary: please follow the above directions in returning it to me and include your address so that we can talk about keeping the matter discreet.

New Year's Resolutions:

To progress in the world of hair care, work with children, and write another book.

20^th August

Found this diary beneath shockingly disgusting navy robe that I didn't know I had. Might as well keep a diary, might help for my next autobiography and can make notes about career advancement. So, today's news:

Good hair day.

In fact, state of hair inspired me to find out the address of Magnificent Manes and owl them a v. generous offer to represent their company. Of course, would not do this for a mere salary... have suggested that in return they could allow me to advise them on new products. Often find that the gel is too sticky and damages one's fingernails, and the shampoo is in such ugly bottles.

Was rereading Travels With Trolls earlier and my quick thinking amazes even myself, sometimes. Don't know how I think of these things.

Letter from Mrs. A. Spriggs in Norfolk. Wants to know if I am doing any book signings, as she has knitted me some socks. Have written to Flourish and Blotts to see what I can do.

In other news, found out there is a vacancy for a professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. Obviously Dumbledore thought I was far too busy for the job as he hasn't contacted me, but am perfectly sure I can fit it into my schedule. What better man could there be for the job? Who else has ever voyaged with vampires, gadded with ghouls, or is, quite frankly, the perfect role model for school children, especially Harry Potter who is well on the way to being a celebrity himself?

26^th August

No reply from Magnificent Manes. Can only assume that they are still in shock. Not every day they get a letter from a celebrity, I should imagine. Have prepared list of suggestions for hair care range anyway. I cannot let their excited confusion hold me back.

List of Hair Care Suggestions:

• Gel too sticky and horrible boring white colour. What about purple?
• Muggle invention known as 'hair curlers' prove to be invaluable but surely there could be some kind of Wizarding equivalent?
• Am sure that people who are going grey are v. worried at the prospect, although wouldn't know about that. Perhaps something could be done about them.
• Name change from Magnificent Manes to Lockhart's Lovely Locks?

Received letter from Dumbledore, who is delighted at my offer to fill the vacancy. V. excited at news. Cannot wait to meet my younger fans.

Flourish and Blotts

rang. Have agreed to let me hold a book signing. Will wear my forget-me-not blue robes, the ones that match my eyes.

30^th August

Beautiful hair day today but still no reply from Magnificent Manes. Once they see tomorrow's newspaper, however, I'm sure they'll be contacting me straight away.

Due to some amazing luck (or quite possibly not - due to my amazing allure) Harry Potter happened to be at Flourish and Blotts today! He bounded on stage to say hello, and of course somebody took a picture for the Prophet. V. generously gave him signed copies of my books. He seemed v. excited.

So was perfect moment to make my announcement about Hogswart, much to the joy of dear Harry.

Slight scuffle at the back of the store, but I can't blame my fans for getting excited at my presence. Surprisingly, it was two men involved in this fight, but obviously my popularity is becoming multi-dimensional. If I can help men realise their sexuality, well then I can only be proud.

Signed five hundred and seventy six copies of Magical Me, and five hundred and forty copies of my back catalogue. Gave away signed photos with all of them. Met Mrs. A Spriggs from Norfolk and her socks. Accepted them as graciously as ever, but think will have to throw them away. Orange is not my colour and think it will clash horribly with all my favourites - lilac, aquamarine, scarlet.

Only two days until Hogwarts. V. excited.

31^st August

Great hair today.

Didn't make front page with Harry, who is obviously is less famous than I thought. Will have to teach him a thing or two.

Still no reply from Magnificent Manes. Have sent them my list of suggestions as encouragement, and to show that despite being a celebrity, am still a v. friendly warm person.

Spent all evening packing for Hogwarts. As expected, am only being given small wardrobe at school (wrote to Dumbledore to confirm) and so most of the contents of my clothes room will have to stay behind. Decided to bring only two robes of each colour.

Suspect may be too excited to sleep.

1^st September

Outstanding hair to match an outstanding day.

Spoke to all professors. Gave each signed copy of book as introduction. They were v. pleased. Offered my assistance to all teachers, as of course am skilled in all areas. All seemed too polite to really accept any offers. One teacher, Professor Snape, claimed never to have heard of me. Was shocked, so read from the back of Magical Me to see if that reminded him. No such luck.

2^nd September

Children were all v. excited to see me, Harry especially. It turns out that our little encounter in Flourish and Blotts went to his head - he actually drove a flying car to Hogwarts yesterday. Not only that but when I came across him he was selling signed photographs. Helped out by posing for a joint photo. Had a word and assured him that that fame is a fickle friend. He seemed to take it all in, v. bright lad.

Thanks to my little chat with Dumbledore, Harry wasn't expelled, so plenty of time for me to knock some sense into him. Remember when I was twelve. Ambitious age.

Had lesson with Harry's year in the afternoon. Most of them did not well on little quiz I set them. Hermione Granger knew all about my hair care dreams so obviously experimental passage in Magical Me was not wasted. Speaking of which - no response from Magnificent Manes. Beginning to suspect owl is faulty. Was sent to me as a gift from Mrs. J. Spencer from Preston, but could well have been a jealous rival trying to sabotage my career. Will inform the Ministry.

3rd September

Hair behaving in quite alarmingly subdued manner. I do hope Magnificent Manes get back to me soon.

Discovered there is another Professor I have not met. Lives in a little shack in the grounds and teaches Care of Magical Creatures. Amazingly, is a half-giant. Have decided subject of next book should be about giants, and so visited the professor for some research.

Notes on Giants:

• hairy
• not v. fashion conscious
• identify more with animals than with humans
• resent human company (disregard all my attempts to teach him new information about Kelpies)

5^th September

Too busy to write yesterday. Classes all day, then held an informal study session for some v. enthusiastic seventh year girls. Signed all their books. Again.

Harry came to me for detention afterwards. Decided not to be too hard on him and so we answered my fan mail. Time went flying by, and poor Harry was v. tired when he went off to bed.

15^th September

Made attempt at being friendly with Snape, by offering to lend him some hair gel. Unfortunately he took this offer the wrong way (can't think how) and now think he isn't speaking to me.

Much more busy with this job than I thought. Still - can't complain, ever so much fun, always wanted to work with children. Must remember to mention that in next book.

31^st October

Still amazingly busy. Hair has been getting along nicely (still no reply).

Somebody is trying to sabotage the beginnings of Harry's career. Is being blamed for an incident that resulted in the Petrification of a cat. Of course, firmly believe Harry is innocent but other teachers are not so sure. Snape in particular, but as he hadn't heard of me, am wondering how aware he is of anything going on around him. Seems to glare at everything, and so obviously is unobservant.

Up to me to make sure Harry's school life is perfect so as to ensure a good stable basis for career. If only had been there at the time, could have proved his innocence and saved the cat from certain petrification. But can' t be helped. Had a particularly high pile of fan mail and new Fabulous Fashions catalogue had arrived.

7th^th November

Hair is looking outstanding again but is the least of my concerns. Harry is in greater trouble than I thought, as he was nearly killed by a rogue bludger during earlier Quidditch match. Suspect perhaps Snape or that antisocial giant, but have decided against slander, as would only be playing villain at his own game.

Immediately rushed to Harry's aid but obviously the spells from the bludger had an adverse effect on my healing charm and the bones in his arm disappeared. Whoever it is clearly can't play fair. Trying to kill him is one thing, but halting my attempts to heal him? Despicable.

Will keep eye out for unpredictable villain.

8^th November

Another petrification. Will ask Dumbledore for permission to start duelling club, to keep students' spirits up.

Hair seeming to respond to new product by Tousled Tresses. Have given up on Magnificent Manes, as they obviously have no idea about good advertising tactics. Their loss, not mine.

List of things to include in new book:

- giants
- hair care
- working with children

17^th November

Received permission from Dumbledore to start duelling club. Went brilliantly. In an attempt to gain Snape's trust, asked him to be assistant at said duelling club and he consented although suspect he isn't taking it v. seriously. Have told students I am on hand if they need help with Potions homework, as do not think they find him easy to approach. Tried to have a word with him about creating a healthy atmosphere in class but no success.

Anyway, club went well but Harry Potter ended up speaking Parseltongue. Am worried that he is trying to show off all his talents at once, but have decided must let him learn from his mistakes. No more little chats, I fear - I must just watch from a distance. Rather like a guardian angel. Therefore it is v. important to find good hair care products to keep golden curls.

18^th November

Student and ghost petrified this evening. Boy apparently a fan of mine but sadly cannot spend too much time in mourning by his bedside as v. worried about Harry. Overheard many rumours about Harry being the Heir of Slytherin as well as some about various students' mothers speculating about next book of mine. Must issue press release, but agent is not responding to my owls. Really must look into getting new one. Owl, not agent, but then again...

25^th December

Received many cards and gifts from fans. Reluctant to hire House Elf to reply to them, as do pride myself on friendliness to my admirers, but can barely move in my bedroom for parcels. Favourite azure robe lost behind large crate from Mrs. J. Spencer from Preston, but after faulty owl, am suspicious of further gift from this possible psychopath. May call Ministry to take it away.

Pulled a Christmas Cracker with Snape, but seemed to provoke no response. Considering the possibility he has dark tragic secret that may be suitable for next book.

13^th January

Sent Miss Hermione Granger a card today, as hear she is ill. Sadly missed in class, nobody else seems to know the answers and has nearly as good a chance as Harry as becoming celebrity. Must refer her to my excellent dentist.

V. pleased with Tousled Tresses. Have sent them an Owl (including photo of my remarkable hair under the influence of TT's Gel for Gentlemen) and am eagerly awaiting reply. Have much more hope this time - Tousled Tresses seem so much more upmarket than Magnificent Manes. Besides, do not regard hair as mane. May well have several animal qualities (as Mrs. S. Pearce in Cardiff so often writes and tells me - Note: must remember her birthday next week) but do not consider hair to be one of them. Hair is more angelic. Carefully tousled.

25^th January

Ministry sent an owl - apparently large crate from Mrs J. Spencer, possible crazed jealous rival, turns out to be a puppy wrapped in a lot of hand knitted scarves. (Obviously read the chapter in autobiography about childhood pet that was drowned tragically by cruel father, and is observant of the winter season). Ministry did not sound happy, especially when asked them not to send the crate back. Have quite enough scarves and my wardrobe is far too carefully co-ordinated for unplanned additions. Also, can just imagine the chaos a puppy could cause to my favourite robes.

Hair still brilliant and no response from Tousled Tresses.

14^th February

Organised V. Special Valentine's Day. Lovely pink decorations (matched my favourite of my pink robes) and confetti. Received a total of sixty seven cards from students (and I should imagine, professors too), and five hundred and forty from fans. Tried to get other professors to help out but unfortunately they seem to be under more stress than I thought. All looked v. sulky all day.

Dwarves v. obediently delivered all cards.

Worried that Harry wouldn't get any cards so sent one anonymously. To make him feel better of course. Still dreadful rumours flying around.

5^th March
Still being swamped by late Valentine cards. Valentine's day should be not so close to Christmas.

Suspect sulky giant of being the one trying to ruin Harry's life. Spends a lot of time with the boy apparently. Would step in if it wasn't for so much fan mail.

Possible titles for next book:

Helping Harry

Harry - The Next Hero?
Praising Potter

On the other hand, do not want people to think that Harry is more important than I am. Will consider more another time - must go and deal with more fan mail.

25^th March
Splendid new robe in the Fabulous Fashion catalogue. Best of all - says 'Be as fashionable as Lockhart!' underneath it. Will allow them to use my name, after all, might need favour from them some day.

To Do List:
Send Mrs. J. King birthday card on 30^th
Read Gadding with Ghouls with the second years
Answer all fan mail
Keep an eye on Hagrid and Snape

10^th April

Fan mail calmed down to usual rate, but am still struggling.

Still suspect giant and mentioned this to Dumbledore, who nodded knowingly. Great choice for headmaster.

Hair extraordinary.

20^th April
Detention with charming twins today who I am sure have a v. promising future. Confided in me their dreams to open a joke shop. Am sure that none of the other teachers would have been so encouraging as I. Informed them of how people love celebrities who make them laugh.

Ideas about being good with children are obviously true. V. proud.

8^th May

Miss Hermione Granger has been petrified, and once again her absence from class is v. noticeable. Am putting up with the fact that Miss Lavender Brown has read Magical Me twice. Miss Penelope Clearwater petrified also, but I find it hard to muster sympathy for someone who will conform with teenage rebellion and therefore not pick a suitable role model.

Discovered that prime suspect - Hagrid - has been taken to Azkaban. My little chats with Dumbledore have obviously been v. helpful to him.

Possible titles:
Saving the School
Cracking the Chamber
Teaching Teachers
Caring for Children

V. keen on 'Caring for Children'. Time I had a more kindly edge, after all those action stories.

19^th May

Despite obvious lack of danger, still have to escort students around the place. Most tiresome as still have not written thank-you letters in reponse to half my Christmas and Valentine cards. Hate the idea of sending 'thank you for your cards at both Christmas and Valentine's Day' and so am sending each thank you letter separately. V. exhausting.

Acquaintance of Harry's, Miss Ginny Weasley looking v. pale these days. Had a nice little comforting chat and she told me her mother was a big fan. Have noted address, so will send signed photos when I get a moment. Little Ginny seems much happier now, couldn't stop smiling every time I looked at her. V. proud.

Hair amazing.

28^th May

Response from Tousled Tresses! Love my photos and want to take more! And are v. eager to hear my suggestions for products. Obviously sensible company. Shrewd businessmen with an eye for talent. Not long left until end of the school year and I can devote my time fully to hair care. V. excited.

Fittingly, hair is outstanding today.

29^th May

Miss Ginny Weasley snatched by monster. Most tragic. Even more tragic is the way the other professors are acting like I should save them. Obviously far too impressed by my books to attempt to do things themselves. Just because have made a few dashing comments over the last few days, they seem to think I should rush in and save them now. Knew there was no chance of Snape actually being nice.

So am packing bags. Tomorrow will meet with Tousled Tresses. V. excited. Must go, somebody at the door.