Severus Snape's Potions Master Application Form

Albus,

Enclosed is the form I filled out for the teaching post at Hogwarts. I am eagerly anticipating your response, and hope that you will see fit to accept me for such a challenging yet rewarding career. My own schooldays have left me with very passionate feelings of hatred towards Hogwarts and its inmates, and I would be delighted to return there in a teaching capacity. I hate love all children, and especially dread look forward to assisting stupid less able students. Despite my murderous unfortunate past, I firmly believe that I will be the least most suitable candidate for this post.

Yours insincerely,

Severus Snape.

P.S.

Regarding my former career as a spy, you still owe me my last two paycheques.

P.P.S

No hard feelings for turning me down for defence against the dark arts teacher. You bearded imbecile.

Potions Master/Mistress Application Form

Dear Applicant: please fill in this form if you want the post as Potions Master/Mistress. If you don't feel like filling in the form you probably aren't suited to this career, as being a teacher involves a surprising amount of writing. Please don't send back a blank form and pretend you filled it in using invisible ink. We weren't born yesterday.

Candidates should also note that applications must be written, rather than daubed in foot-high letters on one of the school walls, tattooed onto the scalp of a friend/associate or transmitted through the medium of psychic energy.

Good luck!

Personal Questions:

Name:

Severus Orion Benjamin Snape (yes I know my initials spell SOBS and no, I don't think it's particularly amusing).

Species (Please not that this question is for insurance reasons only. Hogwarts is an equal-opportunities employer and will not discriminate against non-human (or even inhuman) applicants):

Human. Allegedly.

Known Alias(es):

Archdeacon Vladimir, Captain O' Riley, "Handsome" James Chadwick, Crazy Joe, Young Lochinvar, Death Eater #3, Thingy

Address:

They taught us not to answer that question in spy school. Let's just say it's somewhere far, far away and very well defended and is definitely not a small yet elegantly furnished cottage on the Scottish moors with spectacular views of the mountains and within easy Apparating distance of Edinburgh.

Are you married? (And if so, do you want your spouse to live with you at Hogwarts? And if you don't, why not? Have you quarrelled, or is one of you having an affair?):

Mind your own damn business

Do you own cats and/or dogs, owls, basilisks, children, etc.?

No. And incidentally, I am fond of cats and basilisks, (and I suppose I will have to endure children as a necessary evil) but if there are any dogs at Hogwarts on my arrival then I'm leaving immediately. I don't have a phobia, I'm simply allergic.

How many limbs do you possess?

The usual amount, thank you very much.

Have you died? (If so, state how, where, when, how many times, etc. Candidates should note that applicants who have been decapitated or dismembered when alive will not be considered for employment, as we feel teachers with missing body parts may prove upsetting to younger students.)

No, I am still alive. Much to many people's disappointment, I might add.

Special Skill/s (Please note that Apparating doesn't count; this is a wizarding school and we can all do it):

Insults, moral ambiguity, duelling, and wearing long black robes in a sinister yet stylish fashion. Oh, and occlumency. (Ha! Bet you can't do it!)

Hobbies:

You don't have to pretend to be interested.

General Questions

Education:

I'd prefer not to dwell on it, to be entirely frank.

Qualifications:

OWLs: Potions, Defence against the Dark Arts, Divination, Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, Divination, Transfiguration, Astronomy, Muggle Studies, Care of Magical Creatures, Herbology, etc.

NEWTs: Potions, Defence against the Dark Arts, Arithmancy, Divination, Transfiguration

Diploma in potions, St. Ralph's College, Oxford. (Incidentally, if Lucius Malfoy ever tells you he went there then he's a liar. He went to Grimsby polytechnic, as a matter of fact, and did care of magical creatures).

Doctorate in (Defence Against The) Dark Arts from St. Cuthbert's College, Cambridge.

Previous Employment:

Member of the celebrated rock band "Jinxed": This career ended due to artistic differences. And the demise of the other three band members in a quodpot accident.

Potions researcher at the prestigious Borgia Institute, Italy. Duties included making potions, obviously. Left after a year. People kept stealing my potions and taking credit for them. And may I point out here that I am entirely innocent of the devastating fire that destroyed the entire institute on the night after my departure.

Assistant Barman at The Hog's Head. Duties included serving drinks, wiping tables, and escorting dead drunk/ dead/ drunk patrons from the premises.

Minister for culture in Ministry of Magic. Largely the reason I joined the Death Eaters in the first place, this was a distinctly boring job made worse by close association with Cornelius "dropped on the head as a baby" Fudge.

Death Eater. Duties included interrogation, arson and other even worse ones that I won't mention because it would probably jeopardise my employability I have repented of all my crimes and the memory of them is agony to me. Excuse me a moment whilst I bang my head repeatedly against the table in anguish.

Spy. Obviously I can't give you any details but it was all very dangerous and noble.

Why do you want to work at Hogwarts?

I need the money

It's either this or working on the Knight Bus, and I suffer from motion sickness

A wish to make other people's childhoods as miserable as my own

I sincerely love children and have always longed to be able to help young minds to develop and grow. I have great affection for Hogwarts and fondly remember my own time there. I would dearly love to re-enter the golden tradition of dedicated study, fair play, cheerful frolicking and entire absence of werewolves and budding serial killers which made Hogwarts such a wonderful place to be during my own childhood. The role of educator is one of great trust and responsibility, and I believe I have the necessary dedication and patience for the job. The pleasure--the honour, even--of influencing the minds of future generations would make my entire life worthwhile.

Please excuse the marks on the paper, they are the tears of blood I have wept over this sickening piece of fiction.

Wouldn't you rather work as an Auror instead?

No, no, a thousand times no. I may be evil misguided but I'm not stupid.

Important Questions:

Do you know a reputable shop that sells socks/ sherbet lemons?

I wouldn't tell you if I did. Reliable sock merchants are hard to come by.

Are you evil?

Yes.

Oh hang on, actually I am good pretending to be evil.

Or possibly evil pretending to be good pretending to be evil.

Or possibly even good pretending to be evil pretending to be good pretending to be evil.

Or evil pretending to be good pretending to be evil pretending to be good pretending to be evil.

To be honest, I'm rather confused about the whole issue.

How powerful would you say you were on a scale of one to ten?

8--But 6 on a bad day.

(In your opinion) How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?

33189799364.64392703

Are you:

Sharing your soul with Voldemort/ a brainless narcissist/ a werewolf/ a disguised Death Eater bent on killing Harry Potter and resurrecting the Dark Lord/ an authoritarian tool of the Ministry of Magic? (Delete as appropriate). Candidates should be aware that answering "yes" to this question may not disqualify them from employment at Hogwarts.

No to all. Although I'm beginning to have some serious doubts about my future colleagues.

Thank you for filling in this form. Whether or not you are successful in your attempt to obtain employment, your real achievement is having the courage to try. Remember that a smile will make any situation seem less threatening, and that clean socks will always make you feel better!

This is just sickening, Albus. The saccharine overload is giving me a headache. And I think you should know that your obsession with socks is currently the subject of many unsavoury rumours amongst former Hogwarts students.

Assessor's Comments:

Intellectually qualified, but has severe personal problems and psychopathic past. For example, has a dartboard with a picture of James Potter in his sitting room and marked avoidance of direct sunlight (? Vampire descent). Take him on if you want. Just don't blame me.

M. McGonagall.

Headmaster's decision:

I'm feeling whimsical. Let's give him a try!

Albus Dumbledore