Emotionless: Looking Back

Bill Weasley, age eighteen and freshly graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sat down at the kitchen table with a pad of paper and a pencil in front of him. He was going to write a difficult letter, and knew that it would be better to write with something that
erases, fix it, and copy it to parchment when it was done.

He sat hovering over the paper for a few minutes, but nothing came into his head. He finally chose a greeting.

"Hey dad,"

After that, his mind went blank again. As emotionally painful as it was to think about it, he had to recall what he had seen. He tried to remember as best he could...

*flashback*

William Mages, age ten, stood at the foot of the stairs of the Burrow watching his parents in yet another argument. His younger siblings never noticed how their parents never stopped arguing. They were more interested in the mud puddles in the backyard. Even Charlie, who was eight, did not notice the looks their parents gave each other when they thought no one was looking. However, William was going to start at Hogwarts next year - he had just gotten his letter last week, right before the fighting had gone from bad to worse - and noticed a lot more
than they thought he did.

Sure, they put on a good front when they were out somewhere (even just at his grandparents' house) so no one would suspect that they were not in heaven anymore. Everyone thought that his parents were still perfectly happy.

William knew better.

The truth of the matter was that they never stopped arguing. Even if they were not saying anything, they were showing some form of hatred, if you cared enough to look for it. Glaring, raised eyebrows, the clearing of throat whenever the other said something, you name it. That
was not the matter at hand though.

Right now, Molly and Justin were standing near the front door. Justin had a few suitcases and a shoulder bag on the floor next to him, and was currently pulling on his hat and coat.

"I've had enough, Molly" Justin was saying. "I can't take it anymore. I can't stay here. I'm leaving. You can have the kids, the car, and the estate, but you won't have me any longer. Here are the papers, just sign on the line." He handed Molly the papers and mopped his shaved head with the sleeve of his coat, as he was sweating from wearing the coat inside. She signed them right there without blinking an eye, and handed them back. "It's final then, I'm leaving." When Molly did not say anything to try to stop him, he picked up his things and walked out the door.

Then Molly turned around and saw William watching. He just stood there and looked up at her, showing no emotion. She walked over and bent down to hug him, and when he heard her sniff, he hugged her back.

He felt she needed more comforting than he did. Justin had never really done anything around the Burrow. It had always been his mother that had run around like a chicken with her head cut off. It was his mother who cooked the food and cleaned their clothes and nursed them when they
were sick and everything else imaginable, while his father was either at work or sitting on the couch, reading the paper.

William did not even feel linked to Justin. Okay, he had bought them things every now and then, but those times were few and far between.

From what he could gather, none of his siblings felt that close to their father either. It had been their mother who had summoned the stork with him. If only the Adult Conspiracy didn't keep that
process a secret, he could figure out a way to comfort his mother better, to help her heal. But as it was, all he could do was promise things.

"I promise to be as different as I can from him, mum" he told her. "I'll have people stop calling me 'William', I'll be 'Bill' now, and I'll grow my hair real long, and get my ear pierced, and wear all the
things he hates: dragon hide, denim, Muggle pants, tee-shirts, anything. Do you want me to Floo Arthur? How about some tea?"

Arthur was his mother's best friend from when they were in school, and whenever things got too rough for her, she always got a cup of tea and Flooed him, and he made her feel better.

He liked Arthur. He was nice... and his hair was the same color as Bill's. Arthur always had some Muggle thing for him to fiddle with, and was always smiling. He felt his mother nod, and shift toward the kitchen table. Bill got her the tea, gave it to her, and made his way to the living room. Then he threw some Floo powder into the fire and stuck his head in.

"Arthur Weasley!" he called.

In a minute, Arthur'ead was floating in the green flames. "Yes?" he asked. "What is it, William?"

"I'm Bill now, and it's mum. Father has just left for good. They signed a parchment and she's real upset. Could you come over for a while?"

"He left?! Of course, I'll be right over." Arthur pulled his head out of the fire, and a moment later he was standing in the middle of the living room.

"Where is she, Bill?"

"In the kitchen."

As Arthur ran into the kitchen, Bill realized just how much he hated his father. He had his mother running around non-stop taking full care of children that were half his, while he sat on his butt and did diddily-squat! Still seething, Bill went back into the kitchen and
helped Arthur calm his mother.

~*~

Later that month, Arthur and Molly had gone to the ministry and gotten a marriage certificate. His mother had put charms on all of the photos so instead of showing Justin, they showed Arthur. She had also put memory charms on Ginny, Ron, Fred, George, Percy, and Charlie to make
them believe that Arthur was their father. When she had asked Bill if he wanted one or not, he had said no. He was not quite over his rage at his so-called "father." Molly did not force Bill to get the charm, but simply reminded him that all of his siblings believed that Arthur was their father, that he had to call Arthur 'dad' now, and that he would have to be careful not to say anything about Justin.

Later she had given him a Muggle journal, courtesy of Arthur, to write things in. That way, he could say whatever he wanted, and no one would interfere.

*end flashback*

Now Bill knew exactly what to write. He went upstairs and retrieved the journal from under his mattress, ignoring the look he got from Charlie, who was getting ready to go play Quidditch.

"Want to come?" Charlie asked him.

"No, thanks. I've got to write a letter," Bill said casually, still looking for the journal.

"Who's so special as to keep Bill Weasley, Quidditch nut extraordinaire, away from the game he loves?" Charlie raised his eyebrows at his brother, a cheeky smirk on his face.

"You won't remember," Bill told him, not mentioning the memory charm, then told him to do something with his head that would have gotten him grounded had their mother heard it. Then he left Charlie wondering whom he had gotten that extravagant vocabulary from and walked back
downstairs, flipping pages in the journal as he went.

He had written a song in it that would be perfect for this. He did not know if it was a very good song, but he did know that it fit just right.

Hey dad,

I'm writing to you

not to tell you that I still hate you,

just to ask you how you feel,

and how we fell apart -

how this fell apart.

Are you happy out there in this great wide world?

Do you think about your sons?

Do you miss your little girl?

When you lay you're head down,

how do you sleep at night?

Do you even wonder if we're all right?

We're all right.

We're all right.

It's been a long, hard road without you by my side.

Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?

You broke my mother's heart,

you broke your children for life.

It's not okay,

but we're all right.

I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,

but those are just a long-lost memory of mine.

I spent so many years learning how to survive.

Now I'm writing just to let you know

I'm still alive.

The days I spent so cold,

so hungry,

were full of hate.

I was so angry.

The scars run deep inside this tattooed body.

There are things I'll take to my grave.

But I'm okay.

I'm okay.

It's been a long, hard road without you by my side.

Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?

You broke my mother's heart.

You broke your children for life.

It's not okay,

but we're all right.

I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,

but those are just a long-lost memory of mine.

Now I'm writing just to let you know

I'm still alive.

Yeah, I'm still alive,

and sometimes I forgive.

Yeah, and this time I'll admit

that I miss you.

Said I miss you.

It's been a long, hard road without you by my side.

Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?

You broke my mother's heart.

You broke your children for life.

It's not okay,

but we're all right.

I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,

but those are just a long-lost memory of mine.

Now I'm writing just to let you know

I'm still alive,

and sometimes I forgive.

And this time I'll admit

that I miss you.

I mis you.

Hey, dad.

In his anger, Bill had forgotten how even though he didn't really do anything, he had sort of looked up to Justin. If you caught him in the right mood, and asked him politely, you could get him to play with you a bit. He was a jerk, but he still cared about his kids, and helped them when they fell down or couldn't reach something, and he missed his smile. Justin had had a perfect smile when he was happy. All of his siblings now looked up to Arthur more than they did Justin, but for
Bill, Arthur wasn't even on the charts anymore. On a scale of one to ten, Arthur was infinity. He would give his life for Arthur as long as his mother was happy.

"Hey dad,

I'm writing to you. (Surprise, surprise!) Not to tell you that I still hate you. Just to ask you how you feel, and how we fell apart, how this, our family, fell apart.

Are you happy out there, in this great wide world? Do you think about your sons (there are six of us, how could you forget)? Do you miss your little girl? (You should see her, she's gotten so big!) When you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night? Do you even wonder if we're
alright? Well, we're alright.

It's been a long, hard road without you by my side. Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried? You broke my mother's heart. You broke your children for life. It's not okay, but we're alright. I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes, but those are just a
long-lost memory of mine. I spent so many years learning how to survive. Now... I'm writing just let you know I'm still alive.

The days I spent, so cold, so hungry, were full of hate. I was so angry. The scars run deep inside this tattooed body. There are things I'll take to my grave, but I'm okay. I'm okay.

Yeah, I'm still alive, and sometimes I forgive. And this time, I'll admit that I miss you. That's right, I said I miss you.

Hey dad? Write me back. It would mean a lot to me, your oldest son. I'm 18 now. Ginny is 8, and the rest are scattered in between.

Please write back,
-Bill (William)"

Bill transferred the letter to parchment and sealed the envelope. Then he woke Errol and tied the letter to his foot. He just stood there for a while, contemplating the men his mother had fallen for. Justin was a rich jerk, and Arthur was a poor, God-sent man. He would much rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. He didn't care that people made fun of the state of his things. His family was happy, and that was all that mattered. Bill sighed, and went to go play Quidditch.

~*~

Three days later, Bill heard a tap at the window. Errol was looking rather miffed, and as Bill untied the letter, he also ruffled Errol's wings in an attempt to soothe the old owl. Bill hesitated before
opening the letter. Despite his dislike for the man who had left then eight years before, he was still nervous. This was it. He was finally going to get a reply from the father who had left them all those years before.

"'Bill,'

I have no family other than my wife Jessica and our three daughters. I left who could have been considered a family behind eight years ago, and will have nothing further to do with them. I'm with Jessica and our daughters now, no one else. Do not write again, do not come to find us. And tell your whore of a mother that she's a bitch, and all of you kids are bastards.

-Justin Mages"