Death Before Dishonor

DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR

Chapter Eighteen: The Eye of the Storm

Sirius fled. It had nothing to do with courage--or perhaps it had everything to do with that. He had been able to deal with everything, with the resurfacing pain and telling the story of what had happened, until smacked in the face by Remus´ compassion. By facing it calmly and objectively, he had been able to push the emotions intertwined with the memories to the side, had been able to try to pretend that it meant nothing to him...except for Remus. Damn Remus, for seeing right through the mask of calmness that he used to fool even himself. Damn Remus for knowing him even better than Sirius knew himself. So he fled, and no one alive knew the Hogwarts castle better than Sirius Black--except for Remus Lupin.

Damn him. Of course, Remus had found him. Sirius had hoped he´d lost him along the way; he´d certainly slipped down forgotten corridors and secret passageways often enough to do so, but the door was opening, now, intruding upon the solitude he´d found up in the astronomy tower. He tried to pretend that the creak he heard wasn´t the door´s ancient hinges, tried to concentrate on looking out at the mid-morning sun. Daylight, somehow, seemed to always help; it never reminded him of Azkaban. Sirius ignored Remus when his friend said his name softly. Footsteps sounded, though, and he knew the other was approaching. The last thing he wanted to do right now was talk. Sirius only wanted to get control of himself.

"Leave me alone, Remus."

"No."

Again, the flat refusal, filled with determination and concern that Sirius could not stomach at the moment. It made him want to scream, want to flee--but there was nowhere to go now, because Remus was between him and the door. Note to self, he thought angrily. Next time pick a hiding place with more than one exit. There were students on the lawn participating in Madam Hooch´s first flying lesson, and he tried to concentrate on them. Leave me alone. He just needed to work his way through the memories again. It wasn´t something that he had no experience with, after all. Anything but this. Was that Longbottom´s cousin up there on the broom? If so, he certainly looked more confident than the accident-prone Neville.

"Sirius..."

"No." It was his turn to use the damn word.

"Let me help you," Remus said quietly. His voice came from very close, and Sirius knew his friend was standing right behind him, but he did not turn around.

"I don´t need help." Concentrating on the Gryffindor first years was getting harder.

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don´t." Sirius closed his eyes briefly, and memories welled up in his mind. Pain...screams...emptiness--he shook his head feverishly, pushing the past away. Again, he tried to stare at the flying lesson, tried to concentrate on anything but Remus´ soft voice.

"You´re not alone, Sirius."

He s snorted. "I´ve dealt with this by myself for fourteen years, Remus," Sirius snapped. "I think I can manage to do the same now."

"And you can´t tell me that you didn´t relive what happened every time a Dementor came near you," his friend whispered, making Sirius swallow. And I´d rather not think about that, either, he thought. Suddenly, there were hands on his shoulders. "Oh, Padfoot...I´m not doubting your strength. Sometimes I wonder if you´re not too strong...but you don´t have to be. You don´t have to face this alone."

The gentle compassion in Remus´ voice threw him off balance again. It was so hard to be bitter in the face of such caring... He took a deep breath and let the air out again. Sirius understood why Remus had to worry about him and why Dumbledore had to ask. They had to be sure that he was all right. They had to make sure that his demons wouldn´t raise their heads at any ugly moments, dooming anyone who depended upon Sirius at that time--but he was convinced that if he could just push through it, he´d be all right. It was all a question of not letting his experiences bother him, of putting the past aside.

"I´ll be all right, Remus," Sirius said softly. "Really, I will. It doesn´t usually bother me at all...I just need a little bit of time to myself. I´m not going to crack under pressure."

"Do you think that´s what I´m worried about?" Lupin asked with surprise. It was the same kind of voice Remus had used back in school when he´d felt one of them had missed the innately obvious and was simply being stupid.

Sirius shrugged. "You ought to be."

"Well, I´m not. And neither is Dumbledore. We both know how strong you are." The hands tightened on his shoulders. "What I´m worried about is you, Sirius. I know you can function normally. I know you can fight. But I don´t want you to have to carry around this pain for the rest of your life. You shouldn´t have to push through it. Not alone. That´s what friends are for, remember? The good times, as well as the bad."

Sirius closed his eyes again. Friendship he could handle, but his bald-faced and open compassion was hard. It had been a piece of their youth that twelve years of separation had erased...but now all the walls between them were crashing down. Finally, he whispered, "Not fair."

"What?" He could hear Remus´ frown.

"Using my words against me," he replied, swallowing. And so Remus had--used the very same words that Sirius had turned on him, so many years ago... The words a twelve-year-old boy had spoken to a distraught friend, trying to convince Remus Lupin that they didn´t care about him being a werewolf. That friends didn´t care. The good times as well as the bad...and that family isn´t defined by blood... Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. The memories were stronger now, but they weren´t just of his time in Azkaban. Remus´ words had brought back the good times, the years of friendship between four boys who thought they could conquer the world so long as they were together--the Marauders. Blood Brothers.

"Oh, Sirius..." Remus´ arms wrapped around him from behind, and his friend whispered in his ear. "Let it out."

Hot tears rose, and he didn´t fight them. Instead, leaned back in Remus´ embrace, remembering times in the Shrieking Shack, when three friends had snuck down to see Remus in the days before they were animagi. He remembered holding Remus after the painful transformations, because he couldn´t bear to see his friend in pain, because they were brothers, and that was all that mattered. He remembered days of blind trust before Azkaban had burned that ability out of him, and before Peter... That hurt. He hated him, but that hurt. And he had convinced James and Lily to switch to Peter, convinced them to trust a traitor... His lips moved before he could stop them.

"Sometimes I wondered if I deserved it," Sirius whispered.

"Because of James and Lily." Remus knew. His tone told Sirius that he did not agree, but he knew. He would.

"Yes...Because of James and Lily...because of--Peter." It was still hard to say his name. In spite of everything, Sirius did not want to associate his friend with Voldemort´s servant, his spy. It was easier to believe that Peter was dead, replaced by Wormtail, who he could hate. Who he hadn´t loved as a brother. "And because of Harry...if I´d have been a little smarter, or a little faster, he´d never have had the life he has...never had to live with those awful people. I´d have died to save James and Lily. Sometimes I still wish I had."

Remus´ arms tightened around him. "You know it´s not your fault, don´t you?"

"Mostly. Now, anyway. But that´s what I thought about when they tortured me. I thought about James and Lily and Harry, and the life he´d never have. And I thought about how you were going to be left without friends and without knowing the truth."

"You didn´t deserve to be tortured."

"I know...it was just hard to think that way at the time, especially with the Dementors around, sucking all the good thoughts out of me. All I could think about was the fact that James and Lily were dead, and the pain my actions had caused you and Harry..." Sirius trailed off. He couldn´t define all of what he´d felt, couldn´t describe how the torture and the Dementors magnified his guilty feelings. Nor did he want to think about how betrayed he had felt when Crouch and Fudge had refused to give him a trial, or how men and women he had thought of as friends had stood by and watched him suffer, thinking he deserved it. Thinking that he was evil.

"Why didn´t you die, Sirius?" Remus suddenly asked, almost reading his thoughts.

He shrugged again. "They wanted a confession, not to kill me."

"That doesn´t mean you couldn´t have died," his friend pointed out gently. "And I have a feeling you came a lot closer to death than you were willing to say, especially in front of Harry."

"True." His tears had stopped, but Remus had still not released him. Truth be told, Sirius was glad his friend hadn´t; he had forgotten what it was like to be held. Sirius had reached out to Harry because he loved the boy and someone needed to, but he had forgotten what it was like to have someone reach out to him. They stood together for several minutes in silence, and Sirius was content to remain that way. For so long, it had seemed as if the close brotherhood of his youth had only been a dream--he and Remus had resumed a solid friendship, and had enjoyed one another´s company and trusted each other, but this was different. This proved to him that the world wasn´t the dark place his Azkaban memories kept trying to convince him it was.

"I didn´t want to die," he finally answered Remus´ question. "Maybe I´m stupid, and maybe I´m too stubborn for my own good, but I wasn´t going to die for something I hadn´t done. I knew I was innocent, and even though I hated the mistakes I had made, I didn´t want to die for them...I wanted to fix it. I wanted a second chance."

"And now you have it."

"Thanks to you," Sirius replied honestly. "You believed me, that night in the Shrieking Shack, when you should have done nothing of the sort. You trusted me. I´m sorry I repaid your trust by locking you out...I just want to move on."

"You have, Padfoot," his friend said. "Just remember that I´m here when it gets too hard to do alone."

Emotion threatened to choke him. "Thanks." Maybe it helped to talk, or maybe his self-control had simply reasserted itself, but Sirius did feel better. In fact, he felt freer than he had in a long time. Smiling slightly, he turned to face his friend. "You know, it does figure."

"What?" Remus stared at him like he´d lost his mind, thrown by the sudden change of subject.

"You and I, all the trouble we´ve gotten in and out of together. It figures that your Patronus would have turned out to be a dog...and mine a wolf. I guess some things don´t change, do they, Moony?" He threw an arm over his friend´s shoulder, only partially surprised that he didn´t have to feign feeling better. Sirius grinned. "Let´s go, Moony. I´m late for class."

----------------------

Fred and George Weasley were reaching for the door when it opened on top of them. The twins jumped, and so did the rest of their classmates, because after twenty minutes of waiting, the Gryffindor seventh years had decided that class must have been canceled and Professor Black just wasn´t going to show up. After that morning´s Daily Prophet article, he certainly had a good enough reason to take a day or two off. Usually, though, Professor Lupin would cover for him, but the History professor was nowhere to be found, either. After exchanging theories and waiting for twenty minutes--which was nineteen minutes and thirty seconds longer than they would have waited for any other professor--the Weasleys and their classmates had decided to call it quits.

They´d headed for the door with a little disappointment; far from making them like Professor Black less, the article had made them respect him even more. No one could agree upon which was more impressive--Sirius´ past or his actions from the day before--but all of them agreed that it was spectacular. The girls, of course, much to Fred and George´s annoyance, oohed and ahhed over his tragic past, and gushed on and on over how strong he had to be to overcome it. Girls! Did they ever quit? Neither of the twins would argue with their points, but they neither of them was about to go on about how handsome and single Professor Black was at the same time. It was sickening! And that, at least, they were glad to escape.

So when the door admitted their wayward Dark Arts professor, the class could not have been more surprised. Professor Black stopped in the entranceway, surveying the situation, and then smiled mischievously. "Thought you were getting out of class, did you?"

No one answered. Fred glanced over at his brother curiously, but George only shrugged. They actually didn´t mind Defense Against the Dark Arts as a class--hell, it was their favorite class, after all, even though it was a bit disconcerting to know that their professor was even more of a professional prankster than they were, and thus would catch them before they even finished thinking of a joke. Contrary to their reputation, though, Fred and George actually did respect Professor Black for more than his pranking skills. And it was even cooler knowing that they were learning from a hero.

Any other professor would have been shocked to see that the Weasley twins were the first to return to their seats. Black only smiled slightly and moved to the front of the room, sitting on the desk as had become his habit.

"I apologize for being late to class and am pleased to see that you all decided to stick around...for awhile, anyway." The blue eyes twinkled. "Fifty points to Gryffindor for patience and persistence."

Fred looked at George with a grin. For once, they´d actually helped gain points for their House instead of losing them! Had it been in any other class, they might have felt ashamed, but this was different. Even the Weasley twins understood that they would need these skills someday...especially if they followed through on the career paths they both were contemplating. If Mum doesn´t kill us first, Fred thought to himself, but returned his attention to class as Professor Black continued.

"As you know, today we´re going to concentrate on the Cruciatus curse. Now, I realize that you received a thorough grounding in the Unforgivable Curses last year--even if the source was a bit suspect--what I am going to teach you isn´t something that you would normally learn in class. However, the headmaster and I have agreed that it´s something you need to be aware of, especially given recent events. So, we´ll begin with the basic proprieties of the Cruciatus curse. Katie?"

Katie Bell grimaced slightly, but replied promptly. "It´s the torture curse," she said. "Professor Moody--or the imposter, anyway--showed it to us last year with a spider. It´s awful."

Black nodded. "Yes, it is," he agreed. "The Cruciatus curse acts on every nerve ending in your body, on every bone and muscle you have. Even a few seconds of exposure to this curse have a lasting effect; usually it takes around twenty-four hours for the pain to fade. There is an antidote that dims the pain, but even that cannot take all of it away. The longer one is held under the curse, of course, the worse the effects are, and prolonged exposure to the Cruciatus curse can cause insanity, or in extreme cases, death." Fred shivered.

"This curse is very popular with Death Eaters, both for its ability to cause incredible pain and the fear derived from its use. Most witches and wizards are willing to do a great deal to avoid being subjected to it, so the curse is very useful for intimidation. Having experienced it once, many are willing to do anything to avoid a second experience. I imagine that the spider you saw writhed and twitched, having no control over its body, correct?" The class nodded, and Black´s voice turned cool. "Imagine that in a human being who can scream."

In many ways, Professor Black´s calm approach to the curse was unnerving, but Fred was actually grateful for it. At least he told the truth, which many professors would not--even the fake Moody had only demonstrated the curse. He hadn´t told them about it or explained what the effects were. Fred supposed that could have been caused by the fake Moody´s real identity, but that no longer mattered. This lesson might have been a little unsettling (especially for Katie and Lee, judging from the looks on their faces), but at least it would be important. And it sure was interesting. Professor Black paused for a moment, letting his words sink in, before continuing.

"What most people don´t realize is that the Cruciatus curse can be blocked," he said, making Fred´s eyebrows rise. "However, that takes a very strong amount of magic, and huge degree of concentration. Most Aurors never master the ability to do so, and even then, you can´t block the curse if you´re surprised by it. But the fact that the Cruciatus curse can be blocked ought to tell you something. Would anyone like to guess what?"

Tentatively, Fred raised a hand and waited for a nod before answering. "It´s not impenetrable?" he guessed. "I mean, it´s not like the killing curse, which can´t be stopped. Maybe it can be interrupted?"

"You´re partially correct, Fred, but that was a good guess," the former Auror replied with a nod. "Unfortunately, stopping the Cruciatus curse takes just as much concentration and power as blocking the curse does.

"But there is an easier way. While it´s very hard to block or stop the Cruciatus curse, it is possible to work through it. This doesn´t occur to most people simply because it is very hard to think at all under the influence of the Cruciatus curse, but it can be fought. Therefore, Fred is correct in that the curse can be disrupted--if you take out the caster. People tend to get overconfident when using the Unforgivables, and for good reason. Most witches and wizards never think to fight once they´re hit with one of them. If you keep your head, even simple spells can disable the caster, because it´s likely he´s not paying much attention to anything but causing you pain. His defenses are going to be weak at best, and you can win if you take advantage of that."

Lee Jordan raised a hand. "How, sir?"

"Concentration. Sheer determination." Black´s eyes swept over them. "And most importantly, do not let go of your wand. I can´t stress that enough."

"But you said it´s hard to think through the Cruciatus curse," George objected.

"Hard, but not impossible. The simpler of a spell you try, the more likely you are to succeed. Stick with something you know well. And don´t try disarmament. That usually fails."

Fred frowned. The Disarming Charm was one of the simplest dueling spells once you got used to using it. Even Lockhart knew how to do it. "Why would it fail, Professor?"

"The Cruciatus curse isn´t like most spells," Black replied. "The length it lasts depends upon how long the caster keeps his wand centered on his victim, which causes his concentration to remain on that wand." The professor smiled slightly. "Trust me, it doesn´t work. I tried in Auror training and failed miserably."

"Do they actually use that curse against Aurors?" Katie gasped. "That´s horrible!"

Sirius Black shrugged. "Unfortunately, that is the best way to learn," he responded. "It is a method, however, I will not be using with you--you need to learn the concepts, not gain practical experience with the Cruciatus curse."

"Do you know how to use it, Professor?" Alicia Spinnet asked in a quiet voice.

"Aurors are trained in the Unforgivables, yes," their instructor said. "So I have used the Cruciatus curse. In practice; never against Death Eaters."

"If you don´t mind me asking, Professor, why not?" Fred wondered. He couldn´t help it. Aurors were interesting. Much more than anything else they´d ever learned in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and he´d accumulated a million questions that he´d wanted to ask the fake Moody last year, but had never been given the chance. This was an opportunity that he just didn´t want to let slip away.

"Well, the Cruciatus curse is pretty useless for causing anything except pain and terror, neither of which is something I´ve ever considered a useful tool. I have used the Imperius Curse against suspects, but only in extreme circumstances." His eyes grew serious. "Dark Magic isn´t something that is good to get accustomed to using, kids. Once you start, it´s not easy to stop."

There was a long silence as his words sank in. Fred knew, from talking to his father, that the Ministry had once authorized Aurors to use the Unforgivables against Death Eaters, even the killing curse, but Sirius seemed to disagree with that. The point he´d made about Dark Magic being addictive was interesting, too, because Fred had never thought of it that way. However, he supposed that was why Death Eaters never came back to the light. Perhaps they started to like it too much. Suddenly, George asked the question that had risen in his mind.

"What´s different about Dark Magic, sir?"

"Intent, mostly," Black replied. "And what it does to the user in the end." The class looked at him curiously, so he continued. "That´s a very good question, George, but not one I´m exactly qualified to answer. However, next class we will have a guest speaker who will explain the effects Dark Magic has on an individual."

"A guest speaker?" Lee asked.

"Who?" Angelina wondered at the same time, prompting a slight smile from Professor Black.

"You will have to wait until next time to find out," he replied. "But I will tell you this: he is a former Death Eater."

"Former?" half the class gasped.

"Indeed," Black confirmed, glancing at the time. "Now, we still have some time left, but it´s not enough to get into another subject. So unless you have any questions, I´ll let you out early."

In any other class, Fred and George would have already flown out the door if given that offer, but here, Fred stayed glued to his seat and noticed that his twin had done the same. No one else moved, either, but it took several moments for any of the students to work up the guts to ask the question they´d been discussing amongst themselves before class. Finally, it was George who spoke.

"Sir, can you tell us about the Lestrange Incident?" he asked. "They mentioned it in the Daily Prophet, but none of us are really old enough to remember it."

The entire class waited with baited breath as Black thought the answer over. "You realize, George, that the `Lestrange Incident´, as the papers have always insisted on calling that disaster, is not a very good example of anything, unless it´s a lesson on how many things can go wrong in a very short period of time." The professor looked around at the dejected expressions his words had caused. "All right, then," he relented. "I suppose I´ll get no peace until I tell you, so I might as well get it over with."

Fred grinned. George looked ready to sing. And even Angelina looked entranced. Professor Black sighed and began.

"The Lestranges are a married couple. They were both in their fifth year when I came to Hogwarts, and both in Slytherin. By the time I graduated, they were two of Voldemort´s most faithful supporters, and the Department of Magical Law Enforcement had been trying to prove that they were Death Eaters for years. Finally, about six months after I graduated from Auror training, we were given the go-ahead for their arrest. However, two of the Aurors assigned to bring them in were killed the day before the arrest was set to take place, so the DMLE ended up sending only three Aurors. Out of the three of us, only Kevin Hornby was a veteran; I´d only been in the field for six months, and Amy Macintyre was a rookie straight out of training.

"Things fell apart pretty quickly after we got there. Amy got separated from Kevin and I almost immediately, mostly due to her inexperience, and when the Lestranges came out firing curses in every direction, she got caught out in the open. One of them hit her with the Cruciatus curse, which the other followed by Avada Kedavra before anyone could react. She never had a chance.

"The Lestranges biggest advantage was that they worked seamlessly as a team. While Kevin was good, he and I didn´t know one another very well because we weren´t usually partners and our styles could not have been more different. We´d taken cover when we´d failed to surprise the Lestranges, and he was convinced that we should stay there and wait for the right moment. I disagreed, but he had the experience, and we stayed put. That turned into a very bad idea; the Lestranges split up and came at us from two different directions, which forced us to fight back to back. That robs you of mobility, which is an extremely bad thing to happen when you´re dealing with people who are willing to use the one unblockable curse.

"Kevin was convinced that we could win in a classic dueling situation, though, and for a few minutes, we held our own in a stalemate. But for some reason, his shield cracked, and a stunning spell got through and hit both of us because we were so close. After passing through his shield, the curse wasn´t strong enough to knock either of us out, but it did slow us down, and I lost my shield in the process. Both Death Eaters took advantage of this and used the Cruciatus curse, which wrecked havoc with our defenses. Once they judged that we were suitably distracted, both tried the Imperious Curse. It worked with Kevin, but I was able to fight it off.

"Events started going to hell right then. They tried to turn Kevin on me, which, given our closeness, worked very well. All three of them hit me with the Cruciatus curse again, and I had to move, even though I didn´t want to leave Kevin. I managed to shock one of them and tried for the one who was controlling Kevin, but I only managed to blow up some poor bastard´s automobile. The next time I tried, I did hit him, but his wife killed Kevin even as I managed to knock the Imperious curse aside." Black paused, frowning slightly, but Fred could hardly wait to hear what happened next.

"How did you take out both of them by yourself, sir?" he asked breathlessly.

"A giant game of cat and mouse." Professor Black snorted. "I don´t duel traditionally. I move around a lot, and I also tend to throw things--and people. Most Death Eaters can´t concentrate when they´re being flung into the air or hit by a flying mailbox"--the class snickered--"so I take advantage of that. My only problem was that there were two of them, so I had to take some lesser hits to avoid the bigger ones. Eventually, though, I won."

"Wow," George whispered, and Fred found himself and the rest of the class nodding in agreement. He opened his mouth to ask for details on exactly how Black had managed to defeat two Death Eaters by himself, but suddenly, the door burst open.

"What the--"

It was Professor Lupin, looking graver and more worried than any of the students had seen him before. Immediately, Professor Black was off the desk and on his feet, looking closely at his friend. Lupin spoke, still striding forward quickly. "We´ve got a problem, Sirius."

"What is it?"

"Arabella Figg is here," Lupin replied, his face tight. "She was attacked by Death Eaters last night, and barely escaped. Since then, she has tried to contact Fletcher and Moody, but neither has responded. When she Apparated to their houses, she found the Dark Mark at both."

"Alastor and Mundy? Dead?" Professor Black swallowed, and shock played briefly over his face, but then he blinked and his features went hard. "It´s begun."