Roses and Thorns

"So you did just break up, right?" he says as he pours me red wine. "Here's my advice. Just forget her, pal. You'll soon meet another one. I'm sure of it. Forget all your worries."

His voice is soothing, and I take a sip of offered wine as a friendly gesture, even though I don't usually drink red wine. I really need to drown my sorrows.

"Thanks, pal," I say, still surprised at the unlooked-for sympathy. I sit in the shabby backstage armchair for a long time. I can't help it; my thoughts return back to the early evening, when I entered this theatre with Alice.

* * * * *

She looked beautiful even from afar, when I saw her waiting for me in her purple dress robes, her dark hair up with ornamental flowers here and there. I felt a little shy at first, but then she noticed me and smiled like she always used to smile. I nodded back a greeting, trying to find the right words to tell her how beautiful she looked, but failed.

"Peter, I think we should hurry. We need to check the place as thoroughly as possible before the show starts."

Her comment was a sharp end to my daydreaming. This was no date. We were not here to enjoy the show or each other's company. We were on a secret mission for the Order of the Phoenix: a talented Auror and an observant spy.

Not that I wouldn't enjoy Alice Ravensworth's company. To speak the truth, I had missed her. This was the first time in weeks I saw her outside official Order meetings. The first time I had a chance to talk to her after our night together. Yes, I call it 'our night', because that's what it was. Our special night.

But when I looked at Alice her blue eyes were full of determination, and I knew that we had to concentrate on the mission at hand before we could talk. She was a surprising woman. As an Auror, she was a professional, never letting her feelings affect her dangerous job. At other times, she could be all feelings, showing her great love for people and things. But she never mixed those two states of mind, and now she was clearly in her Auror mode.

I was ready. "Let's separate. I'll take the upper floor, you'll take the hall. If someone asks you're looking for the ladies' room."

And that's what we did. I tried to remember all that Dumbledore had told us about his suspicions concerning this theatre. It was all very vague, otherwise he would have sent more spies. But according to an anonymous hint there was something suspicious about the famous theatre group Rose Garden that was performing the current hit musical, Lair.

I walked around in the merry crowd, trying to find anything suspicious or out of place. The only thing that felt out of place was the cheerful mood of people. It seemed people had come here mainly to forget the grim news of the outside world. Perhaps that's what the theatre performances are for? Here, no one discussed the worrying headlines of today's Daily Prophet. No, they talked about music and fashion and the evening's biggest star, Evan Rosier, the latest winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award.

I eyed his portrait on a huge poster on the wall, where he was about to kiss his co-star Adelaide Wilkes. So that was the kind of guy who pleased the womankind, at least according to Witch Weekly. In my opinion he looked almost like a weasel, but then, who am I to judge people's appearances?

I finished my round at the dark corner behind the men's room where I quickly changed into my Animagus form. Alice didn't know my little secret, although I had been about to tell her some weeks ago. Somehow, there was never a good time and place for it. It's difficult to say if she would have been more astonished or horrified. Some people don't seem to appreciate rats.

As a rat, I did another round of sneaking, this time in places where my presence would have been harder to explain. But I couldn't find anything out of ordinary in the canteen kitchen where dozens of house-elves worked, or backstage where the actors were lazily smoking cigarettes, and the actresses were dressed with the help from the elves. No Dark Mark hanging on the ceiling, no He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named hiding in the closet. Well, it wasn't supposed to be easy. I knew we had to seek subtler clues.

Unlike Alice, I felt it difficult to concentrate on task at hand. Perhaps it was something to do with the almost-kissing couple in the musical poster. I had missed Alice so much; I wanted to know if she had likewise missed me. Yes, I wanted to be with her. Instead, here I was patrolling in the theatre corridors alone, playing a spy for Dumbledore because all the people that really mattered to me were spies for Dumbledore, and I wanted to be where they were. Wasn't that pathetic?

But there was Alice again, and we were ready to go into the auditorium to pretend to enjoy the show as our disguise required.

"Did you find anything?"

She shook her head "no", but in a thoughtful way as if she had actually found something, but couldn't decide its importance. It was impossible to talk about it then and there, so I took Alice's arm and led her inside the great theatre hall. She smiled at me, just a little, and my heart ached.

The musical wasn't as bad as I had expected. The plot was shallow all right, but it was entertaining, and Adelaide Wilkes sang amazingly well. It was a love story, of course. Evan Rosier played the part of a young pureblood wizard Casimir who had fallen in love with a Muggle girl, or so it seemed. But before the intermission it was already clear to Casimir and the audience that the girl was no ordinary Muggle but a long lost member of another pureblood family. She had been kidnapped by the Muggles when she was just a baby, raised as a Muggle in a world where her magical skills were not tolerated. She knew nothing of her wizarding ancestry. Casimir's no-so-easy task was to win the girl's heart, save her from the Muggles, and return her to her kin.

I remembered Wilkes and Rosier from school. They had been in Slytherin, belonging in a gang I mainly avoided, but they were never mean to me. At Hogwarts, there had been rumours that they were a couple, and now the same kinds of rumours could be read in Witch Weekly. They had never admitted the rumours true.

It was amazing how quickly they had become famous. Nowadays, every teen witch and probably a few wizards as well had posters of Evan Rosier hanging on their bedroom walls, and many a young man had wet dreams of Adelaide Wilkes. Their musical was an instant hit, thanks to the positive writing in the media. Last Christmas even Ministry officials had been seen queuing for their charity single. I admit there was always a certain charisma surrounding them, but in the end it must have been just that they were in the right place in the right time to become such big names. I didn't envy their success, though. For me, simple life was enough. A house of my own, a decent job, a woman to love --

My thoughts turned back to Alice, who was sitting by my side, and I felt a cold foreboding feeling in my stomach. We hadn't talked about it yet, but I suddenly knew she wouldn't become my woman. I just knew it. Call it rat intuition. I watched her frown as she listened the song lyrics as if she was trying to find a hidden message there. I wanted to hold her, to kiss her, but only thing I dared to do was to touch her hand. She started, then relaxed and gave a little smile.

"Let's stay here during the intermission," she whispered in my ear. "We need to talk, dear."

"Dear," I tasted the word in my mouth. "Dear." No one had ever said me that besides my mum.

* * * * *

Our night together. That's what I will call it, always. It started very innocently: a secret smile here, a playful look there. Then came the day of Prongs' birthday party, and things started to progress.

Alice had extraordinary eyes, and when she looked at me that night I shivered for I knew she had saved that special look just for me. I had heard rumours that she had recently broken up with Frank Longbottom who couldn't make it to James' party that night. She never talked about her personal life with me, and I didn't dare to ask, but I got a feeling that she was lonely and looking for company. I knew that feeling only too well myself. I wanted to tell her that, and more, but only when the guests were starting to leave I got my chance.

"Can I accompany you on your way home, Alice? It's not quite safe to travel alone these days."

She paused, and then she gave a short dry laugh. "Do you actually want to be a bodyguard of an Auror?"

"As long as you don't head straight to You-... You-Know-Who's lair. I don't feel like duelling tonight."

"What would you like to do instead?" she asked me, smiling mischievously. "What would you like to do, Peter?"

We left together, and if James raised an eyebrow at this I didn't care. For once, I didn't care.

It was my first time, and I know I was too clumsy and too quick. But then Alice taught me other ways to please a woman, and hearing her moan under me gave me a sense of power and control I had never felt before. She looked at me, just looked with those cold blue eyes, and I loved her because she had allowed me to touch her.

* * * * *

"Peter," she whispered in my ear, rather sharply. "Peter."

I found us sitting in the near empty theatre. Intermission. "Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts." Lost in my thoughts. Not paying attention at all. What a pitiful excuse of a spy I am, I thought bitterly. Dumbledore can't be all-knowing, for if he was he wouldn't have paired me with Alice when I can't concentrate on anything with her sitting next to me.

"We need to talk, Peter. About what happened."

She was right. I was afraid to talk, but I knew it had to be done. "Alice, I think I have fallen in love with you."

She didn't want to hear that. I could see it in her eyes. "Peter..." she started, but I hadn't finished yet.

"That night... our night... That was something special, wasn't it?"

"Oh, Peter..."

"I know you deserve a better man than me, but I can't help it. I love you, Alice!"

She touched my hand with hers, her expression oddly tense. "Peter, please, not so loud. People will hear."

"Alice, say something. Do you feel the same? Do you..."

"Peter," she said, and I couldn't look into her bright blue eyes. "Frank and I are going to be married. What happened between us was nothing. It was a mistake. Please, don't be angry. Things like that happen. But let's not remember it. Because... Peter, I really, really love Frank."

I stared at the floor. Somehow I had known it all along, and still it hurt so bitterly. Rejected. Of course she loved Frank, who didn't? I felt stupid. I fought to find something to say, but the right words didn't come. If I had said something I'd probably have gone into my old stuttering habit. So I stared at the carpet, half aware that Alice tried to speak to me again.

"...but that's not all. Peter... I think I am pregnant."

"What!" I must have shouted that, because a couple people turned to look at me. People were returning; the intermission was almost over.

"Actually, I'm quite sure about it."

"B-b-but," (Oh how I hated it when I stutter), "Alice! W-Wouldn't that mean that it could be... m-mine..."

"How dare you ask that!"Alice was furious now. I had never seen her like that before. "It is definitely Frank's! Don't be silly, Peter."

"But wait a minute!" I shouted, aware of people staring. There was something in my throat that made it difficult to talk. "T-the child could be mine, couldn't it? There's a simple charm to be certain..."

"I'm not going to let you cast that charm."

"B-but, but!" I gasped.

She shook her head, looking suddenly very sad. "No, Peter. The child will be a Longbottom, and we are not discussing this further."

I wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. I would lose Alice. Nothing else mattered. I might even be a father, and would never know for sure. I didn't scream, though. Enough people were staring at us already. I had probably ruined the Order mission by attracting unnecessary attention. I kept the anger inside me as I always did, only this time it was harder than ever. The anger inside me boiled like a curse. It hurt.

I couldn't read Alice's face. Was she hurt? Was she sad? Was he hoping to get away from me as soon as possible? I couldn't tell.

"We must concentrate on the mission," she plainly said. "See, the show continues."

* * * * *

I can't remember the rest of the show. We were not talking any more, but thoughts were pouring through my head. Why was I always the second-best? Why was I always rejected? I wanted to touch her hand for I knew I wouldn't get a chance to do it later, but I didn't dare to do it. I didn't want to show how much I hurt. For she was right. It had been just a one-night stand. Nothing more. In my imagination I had made it something else altogether. Everyone else knew Frank and Alice were an item.

"We better go and check the backstage if we can," I said as a last feeble effort to sound like a professional Order spy. The show had ended, and plenty of people were already gathering in front of the door leading to backstage, hoping to get an autograph or perhaps a photo of the actors.

"I go," said Alice coolly. "You go home. It's better that way."

"Alice, I won't leave you to do this alone! People recognise you are an Auror; they'll become suspicious. I could..."

"Peter, it's just that... I don't want to see you any more right now. It's... difficult to explain. Peter, I'm sorry..."

I couldn't help it. I couldn't hide my anger any more. Alice was trying to get away from me, but I grasped her hand, perhaps harder than I had meant. "Y-you..." I stuttered, "are being r-really unfair!"

"Peter, please..."

"Y-you say you are sorry, but d-do you really mean it? You were just playing with me! Thought I wouldn't care? Then you hint something about a baby! You... You... I have feelings, too!"

I felt her break loose from me. "Leave me alone!" She shouted, and then with a calmer voice, "Sorry, Peter. I am really sorry. This never should have happened."

She ran out of the theatre. I thought for a while of following her, but my legs had gone numb, and I was afraid of myself. That burst of anger... I didn't really want to hurt her, did I?

I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I walked towards the backstage door. Because that was why I was there. Not for Alice's sake. For the Order's sake.

"Wow. Now what was that all about? Did you just break up?"

I saw Evan Rosier at the door, smiling slightly over his fans. Then he seemed to recognise me.

"Peter Pettigrew! What a surprise!"

The biggest surprise was that he actually knew my name.

"Come here, Pettigrew," he continued in his jovial way and waved his hand. A girl not older than thirteen couldn't stop staring at her idol hungrily as he let me, and only me, inside.

* * * * *

Evan and I drink red wine together. We have a good discussion. I tell him about my life, and he comforts me and laughs in all proper places. I can't find anything suspicious here to inform the Order, but it doesn't matter. I still feel hurt, but it's good to talk about Alice to someone.

"I might even be a father. And I will never know for sure."

He suggests we should meet again. "How about a pint or two in a local pub some other day? Just you, me, and perhaps a few of my friends." I sounds like a good plan. I need something to keep my thoughts away from Alice.

In the end I ask for his autograph. He laughs, but then writes one for me with his hawk-feather quill. The teenage girl still waits outside, patiently. I give her idol's autograph to her, and she whoops in excitement and thanks me.

It's time for me to go home.