It Only Hurts When I Breathe

It had been several weeks since Grace had told the Marauders to get revenge on Snape and true to her word; Lily was following them like hawks, trying to find out what they were planning. They were so secretive with their plans that even Grace grew curious and asked Sirius about their plans several times a day, hoping that he would slip up and tell her, but he quickly caught on to her and immediately changed the subject every time she asked. After two months Lily thought they had given up on their plot-hatching, but Grace knew better. Whatever they were planning, it was going to be big.

April finally came, bringing with it the lovely late spring weather the students had been pining for. March had been dull and soggy; it had rained nearly every day that month. But the rain proved useful, the Professor Sprout's gardens were alive and teeming with exotic plants. One day after Herbology class James gave Lily a large bouquet of exquisite orchids he had charmed to sing romantic songs. With the Marauders egging him on, he thrust the flowers into Lily's hands, his face a brilliant shade of scarlet. Sirius let out a wolf whistle, causing James to blush even deeper and dash away as quickly as he could, slapping Sirius hard on the back of the head as he loudly teased him about the flowers.

Grace had walked up behind Lily after James had given her the orchids and had expected her to shout at him and throw them away, but much to Grace's surprise Lily didn't. In fact, Lily too was blushing furiously and clutching the flowers close to her chest. As the two girls walked silently back up to the castle, Grace looked at Lily out of the corner of her eye. Lily was staring determinedly at the flowers, which were serenading her with the muggle singer Elvis Presley's "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You." Her face had an odd look about it, one that Grace had seen before when she was much younger on her sister Molly's face when she had looked at her then-boyfriend Arthur... Grace's mind suddenly froze. Lily in love with James? Impossible-or was it? Grace began to play the events of the last few weeks in her mind. Lily had been nicer to James, she hadn't told him to bugger off in several days. And she had actually sat beside him at breakfast two mornings past. Yes, there was definitely something going on, and Grace was going to get to the bottom of it.

***

Before Grace could pry any answers out of Lily, An interesting chain of events occurred. It was two days after what Grace later referred to as the "Orchid Episode" (which were still up in the 6th year girls' dormitory, still beautiful although they were barely audible) and the Gryffindors were leaving Transfiguration. The Marauders had been conspicuously absent, and Grace suspected that they had been sneaking into the basement of Honeydukes again. Those boys with James' ridiculous Invisibility Cloak thought they were so clever. Lily and Grace had followed those four idiots all over the castle under that cloak, without even the simplest spell to hide themselves from Filch's ever-watchful glare.

Grace and Morgana were discussing the latest DADA essay about various defensive spells against Pogrebin when The Marauders suddenly breezed by them, each with a mischievous look in their eyes. Lily had been talking to Antonia and had not seen them, but Grace had caught Sirius' eye and he had given her a roguish wink. He and James had been carrying a rather heavy looking chest between them. Something was amiss. She tugged on the sleeve of Lily's robes and pulled her along to follow them.

"They're up to something," Grace said in a low voice, as a group of chattering Hufflepuff girls moved in between the Marauders and Grace and Lily.

Lily gave Grace a sharp look and together they wove through the crowd of students behind the Marauders, but far enough back to keep out of sight. As they slipped through the groups of chattering students, the boys picked up speed and moved into the Entrance Hall. Grace could just see past Antonia to make out Severus Snape's twitching form slinking along the wall, with the Marauders following behind. She elbowed Lily and pointed at him. At that moment it became perfectly clear what was going to happen, and Lily's eyes grew wide and she opened her mouth to shout a warning. Before any sound left her lips the Marauders seized their opportunity.

Peter had edged away from the group and stood in front of Snape. James and Sirius inched up behind him, slipping into a group of giggling fifth years who nearly fainted at having the two most eligible male students of Hogwarts in such close proximity to themselves. Remus had moved in on Snape's left, thus the group had effectively pinned him to the wall with no chance of escape.

"Oy, Snivellus, what're you slinking along the wall for?" Peter called out amidst the chorus of voices echoing around the room.

Snape jerked his head up to look at Peter when James and Sirius opened the chest they were carrying. To Grace and Lily's astonishment, Lily emerged from the chest and strode toward Snape.

"I most certainly will not go out with you Severus Snape!" the fake Lily roared as she strode towards Snape. "You are the most pathetic, ugly, disgusting excuse for a wizard that has ever befouled the earth with his presence. I loathe you, and I would rather date Filch than to ever be seen with you!"

During the fake Lily's tirade Snape had turned a foul shade of grey and made a face that reminded Grace of a cat about to be sick. "Riddikulus!" he said in a small pathetic voice that made Grace cringe.

The students around him roared with laughter. Fake Lily stalked toward him again. "Look at you, with your filthy hair and nose that would look better on an elephant. Why would I ever want to go out with you, I'm the most popular witch in school!"

"Riddikulus!" This time, Snape was standing and quivering with rage. The fake Lily flew up into the air and zoomed back into the chest James was holding. By the time The Marauders could try to jinx him, Snape had ran the few steps to the dungeon stairway and disappeared down the steps.

The laughing crowd of students dispersed, the joke was over. The Marauders were clutching their sides with laughter. Lily strode up to James, drew back her hand and slapped him across the face with all of the strength in her body. The slap echoed around the room. The Marauders, Grace, and Lily were the only ones left in the Entrance Hall.

"Of all the horrible, cruel, vile things to do to a person, that has to be it," she roared in James' face. "How dare you? It hasn't been enough to torment him all these years has it? You just had to ruin the rest of his life by making him a mockery. The whole school's going to know about this. You just couldn't leave it alone, could you, always trying to make yourself look better by making others look like fools. Well guess what, James Potter; you are the biggest fool of all." She turned and began to chastise the others. "And you three, egging each other on, getting laughs out of other people's pain. What if someone had done that to you? What if somebody showed everyone your most secret fear and have it embarrass the hell out of you? I hope you feel really good now that you've completely ruined Severus' life. Merlin, if there was ever a moron of the century award you four would tie for first place." She gave them all a fierce glare, turned on her heel and left without another word.

Remus and Peter had hung their heads in shame. James was completely white with shock, and Sirius gave Grace a pleading look. "You said we could get revenge."

"You took it too far, Sirius. You took it way too far." Grace replied, deeply regretting she had ever mentioned anything about revenge to them. Then she followed Lily back to the Gryffindor Tower, leaving the Marauders to stand silently in the Entrance Hall.

*****

Grace ran through the corridors, passing swiftly through the portrait hole into the common room. Several of the Gryffindors were milling around the room talking amongst themselves, but when Grace entered they fell silent. She knew exactly what they had been discussing. With one evil glare she parted the small crowd of students as she strode up the stairs to the sixth year girl's dormitory. Antonia, Morgana, and Carrie were sitting at the bottom of Lily's bed, with Lily curled up into a ball at the top, her face buried in the pillows. Carrie gave her a pleading look, and the three girls stood to leave Grace and Lily alone.

"I doubt she'll talk to any of us," Antonia whispered as she paused by Grace. "Good luck."

After securing the door behind her schoolmates Grace walked over and gently sat on Lily's bed. She sat stroking Lily's hair for several minutes without speaking to give Lily some space before trying to get her to talk. After half an hour Lily finally sat up and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Who do they think they are, hurting people like that?" she whispered. "Where do they get off tormenting other people?"

Grace shook her head. "I don't know, Lily. They've had it in for each other since first year. Sometimes people just don't get along no matter what. Maybe they're meant to hate each other." Lily gave Grace an odd look. "What I mean is that there's a bigger picture, a greater design we don't think about. Maybe it's like fate and destiny, you can't help who you hate, and you can't help who you love. Maybe things happen for a reason we'll never understand."

Lily sniffed. "I suppose you're right, Grace, but I still wish they wouldn't be so vile to him." She sat for a moment, wiping the tears from her eyes. Suddenly, her face brightened. "I think I know how to get them to leave Severus alone."

****

Downstairs, the Marauders had entered the common room and were trying to calm James down.

"She's going to hate me forever, I'll never get her now," he moaned running his hands through his hair causing it to look even messier than usual.

"Calm down mate," Remus said. "You've got to talk to her and apologize. Tell her you'll never do it again." Sirius rolled his eyes at the last remark causing him to receive a sharp elbow in the ribs from Remus.

"He's right, James," Sirius told him as he rubbed the tender spot where he had been elbowed. "All you've got to do is apologize, lay off of Snivellus for a couple of weeks, and presto, you've got your girl." He threw himself onto one of the couches and pulled several balls of crumpled parchment out from under himself and tossed them into the fireplace. Then he elegantly brushed his black hair from his impish eyes. "Besides, if you don't get her, there are loads of other girls hanging around that I could get for you. Why you're insisting on just one is beyond me."

Remus shook his head, knowing what was to come. He had seen for years that the only girl James had ever wanted, or would ever want, was Lily Evans.

***

Lily wiped her tear-stained cheeks with the backs of her hands, stood, and walked slowly toward the stairs. Grace put a comforting arm around her shoulder and together they left the dormitory.

***

James gave Sirius the look he had given him many times before when the question of his unfailing devotion to Lily was raised. "Look here," he began, "How many times have I got to tell you?" He began pacing the floor. "Ever since I saw her I knew she was the only one for me. I know you don't understand it and I don't expect you to. She's the most beautiful, gentle, perfect woman on earth. Nobody else comes even remotely close to her for me. If I try to picture my life without her, I can't because it would be too unbearable even to imagine. When I picture my life with her, I can see it as clearly as this room. I see us getting married, raising a family, and growing old together. I've got to have her; she's the only girl for me. If I don't, I'm not sure I could live without her." The pained, serious look in James' eyes proved that his last statement might actually be frightfully true.

"Is that what you're doing when you're staring off into space during History of Magic? Planning our wedding and playing with our children?" Lily asked as she and Grace emerged from the Girls' Dormitory stairway. Even though she was teasing, she had an odd look on her face, as though James' speech had struck a chord deep within her.

James twisted around and turned a rather lovely shade of violet when he realized that she had heard every word he had just said about his undying love for her. "Well I...I...I..." he sputtered.

Lily waved her hand dismissively. "I've heard you say that so many times in the past I'm used to it." She strode up to him and stood opposite of him, put her hands on her hips, and looked him straight in the eye. "Now, we've some business to discuss." James cleared his throat nervously. "Oh don't worry; I'm not going to hex you, although I thought about it..." She drifted off slightly, then regained her stride. "Anyways, I've got a deal for you. If you agree to stop torturing Severus," she took a deep breath, "then I'll go out with you."

With the last five words it seemed like all of the air had been sucked out of the room. Sirius gaped at Lily, his mouth hanging wide open. Remus got a bemused, then amused look on his face, Peter, who had just been standing behind one of the sofas the whole time and had never said a word, simply fell over, Lily stood staring at James with a forced calm as he stood in front of her with a look of stunned and pleased surprise that quickly turned to one of deliberation. As soon as she asked him they all had expected James to say "YES" immediately, but strangely enough he didn't. The seconds ticked by. Grace studied Lily carefully. As badly as Lily wanted to appear that she was cool and calm and uncaring about James' answer, Grace could tell that deep down Lily was dying for him to say yes. It was well known throughout the school that James was head over heels about her and that he and Lily fought like an old married couple, but Grace hadn't thought much about her feelings until the day James had given her the flowers. It was then that she noticed that there was a very good chance that Lily felt something for James.

Then James stirred from his thoughts. The entire room seemed to buzz with electricity and everyone leaned in to catch every word. "If you want to go out with me to help Snape, then the answer is no. I don't want to come to me if your heart isn't in it. It wouldn't be fair for either of us. If you want me to leave him alone so badly that you're willing to go out with me even though you can't stand me, then I'll leave him alone. I don't want you to think that you have to pretend to love me to get me to stop. Good night." With that simple explanation he turned toward the stairs and went to bed, the rest of the Marauders following him up the stairs in stunned silence.

Lily fell upon the nearest couch; her face looked shocked and horrified. She stared up at Grace, speechless. "Oh Grace," she moaned putting her face in her hands, "What have I done, what have I done?"

Grace sat down beside her to comfort her best friend for the second time that evening. "Don't worry, Lils. We'll think of something. We'll get him back."

***

Up in the boy's dormitory, James flopped onto his bed and buried his face in the pillow he had nicked from Lily's be last year by bribing a third year. He inhaled deeply; it still smelled like her, like lilac and lavender. In a way he felt calm, peaceful. He had finally gotten his feelings for her out in the open, and even though he had been rejected, he was comforted to know that she knew that his feelings for her were honest and true, although not really pure, but she didn't need to know that, at least not yet.

"Are you even listening to anything I've said?" Sirius bellowed and smacked James in the back of the head with a pillow. "All these years and all of the millions of times I've heard you talk about getting her and you finally get the chance and you turn her down!!! What the bloody hell is wrong with you? Did your brains just turn into an inbred pureblood's? Sweet mother of Merlin are you daft?"

James sat up and looked at his best friend. "What good would it be if I had said yes? She was bargaining with me, she only wanted to go out with me if I agreed to leave Snivellus alone. She wasn't asking me out because she loved me or even liked me, she was just doing it to protect a friend, and that's not the kind of relationship I want. If that's the only way I'm going to get her, then I don't want her. As much as I love her and want to be with her, if being with her means that I'm forcing her to pretend to care about me when she really doesn't, then it's not right for me to make her pretend to be someone she's not. If she doesn't love me, then she doesn't love me. I won't try to force her affections. If someday she decides that she loves me, then we'll see about getting together."

Remus walked to the edge of James' bed and clapped him soundly on the shoulder. "Finally, after all these years, you're growing up." He grinned widely.

"Shut up, you." James growled good naturedly and swung his Lily-scented pillow around to connect it with Remus' stomach. A good old-fashioned pillow fight ensued and lasted for about an hour until they called a truce and tumbled into their beds. Sirius still couldn't figure out why James would do what he had done. Just before falling asleep he decided that he would ask Grace, she always could figure these things out. And then maybe afterwards they would slip into the Shrieking Shack for a long snog. Tomorrow was Saturday after all, and he could never do homework on the weekend...