Destroying Myself

Chapter Eight

My mind is screaming at me. It's been a day since I kissed her, and my brain is acting up more than ever. It's asking me all these questions... well, more precisely, I'm asking myself all these questions, and I hear myself answer, too... Maybe that's it settled - maybe I have indeed gone mad.

Why did you kiss her?

I think I like her...No, I know I like her, and I want her.

You're not making sense. You don't want her. You want out of here, is what you want. She even told you so - it doesn't make sense for you to like her now.

Told me what?

She told you that you were just using her before; you didn't actually fall for her.

Maybe I did - maybe I just found my other needs more important.

Oh, really? Could you do that now? Could you destroy her if that was what it took to go back to your own time?

I... I don't know!

As I said, you don't make any sense.

Well, maybe I do have ulterior motives.

As I thought.

I just can't manage to get my mind around them yet.

And neither can I.

"Riddle?" Lupin snaps me out of my insanity.

"Huh?" I say.

We're traveling in a car, me in back next to shovels and picks, and Ginny and Lupin in the front. I can't give them exact instructions as to the location of the Horcrux (partly because I can't remember, but mostly because I want to drag out my time with Ginny), so we are forced to drive, rather than Apparate, to the grave.

It is in a very unusual place. Myrtle had requested that instead of being buried in a cemetery, she be buried in the remote spot where she had grown up.

"Left or right?" he asks.

"Right," I say.

He turns the car right.

"How much longer?" Ginny asks, turning down the radio, which has been blasting music out for most of the journey. For someone so intelligent, she has ghastly taste in music.

"I'm not quite sure," I say. "Should be just a few more hours if I remember correctly."

"Okay." She turns the music back up, and we drive on.

---

As it turns out, I had not remembered correctly. It is dark, the car is running low on petrol, and all of us are exhausted from screaming at each other, as we get more and more lost.

"Pull over," Ginny orders. "We'll stay at a hotel till morning."

"Hotel?" I ask, surprised by her suggestion. I would have thought she'd want to keep going till we found it.

"Well, I'm certainly not sleeping in the car," she mutters.

Lupin agrees and turns into a half-empty parking lot. We get out of the car, leaving the shovels and digging supplies locked inside.

Our 'chaperone', as I have dubbed him, goes to check us in as Ginny volunteers us to pick up something to eat. It's the first moment we've had alone since I kissed her, and I can tell she wants to take this chance to talk to me.

"You've got a lot of nerve," she hisses.

I want to say, 'Well, yeah, I am Tom Riddle.' But instead, I stay silent, allowing her to continue.

"Kissing me? After everything you've done to me!" Ginny rambles. "I don't think you quite realize the enormity of what you did. She stops walking and turns to me. "So I'm going to explain it to you, so you can understand."

Her face is reddened in anger, and she narrows her eyes. I wait for her to continue, to explain something that I'm incredibly curious to know about.

"You were the first real friend I ever had, diary or not," she starts. "I poured my soul out to you, and you pretended to care."

There's that 'pretend' again.

I know.

Maybe she can explain it for you, make you understand that you're using her.

Maybe. But I don't think-

"You made me attack students! I didn't realize it was you causing me to do it at first - and when I did confront you, with blood on my hands as I wrote, you comforted me. Told me it was going to be fine. You wouldn't let me stop, no matter how much I begged, and I was attached to you. I couldn't let you go."

I stop thinking to listen intently.

"And through all of this, that's not even the worst part," she says, keeping her eyes turned away from mine. "What haunts me the most is the memory of the night of our last meeting. You yourself, a ghost at the time, lured me down into the Chamber of Secrets. It's where you told me you loved me, that I had done so well, and that soon everything would be over."

I watch her take a shaky breath before continuing. "As I was nearing death, that's when you told me how you really felt. You told me I was weak, that I was a pathetic, foolish girl. That I deserved death for allowing myself to be controlled."

That's it.

Well, you got me on that one.

I now understand perfectly why I have fallen for her. It's not because of lots of things - it's mostly just one thing.

"Ever since I survived that day in the Chamber, I have sought only one thing," she says, looking me in the eye now. "To be strong."

It's her strength. The strength that wasn't there before.

Well, what are you going to do now? You know she hates you.

"I..." I say, "... I'm sorry, Ginny. For everything."

But the thing is, I don't mean it. For if I had not done all of that to her through my Diary, then this Ginny, this confident girl, would not be talking to me right now.

"I know that doesn't really fix what I did, but all I can so is apologize," I say. Lies, lies. I'm such a bloody liar, but it's the most thrilling thing to do most of the time. Wouldn't give it up for the truth. "I hope you can forgive me."

That happens to not be a lie.

You know you're going to be going back to your time.

She looks away and starts walking again. "I don't think I can."

And you know she's not going to come with you.

I could ask her.

And when she says no?

I know exactly what I'll do if she says no. It makes my heart ache just thinking about it. Leaving her behind will not be easy.

---

There's two beds and a couch. Guess what I get stuck with? I consider kicking Lupin out of the bed, but Ginny gives me a look that clearly says 'you-better-not-or-else'. Normally I wouldn't give a damn what look she was giving me, but I want her to trust me.

I unfold the couch and get an extra pillow and scratchy yellow blanket from the cupboard. I don't want to think about what's on these things. I have my doubts as to whether or not they've even been washed.

Our exhaustion has faded away; it must have just been traveling anxiety.

Ginny and I are left alone to amuse ourselves while Lupin is in the bathroom taking a shower.

There is a Muggle contraption called a television in our room, and Ginny immediately flops onto her bed face first, remote in hand to turn it on.

"How do you know what that is?" I ask. I shudder at how I'm connected to it. Someday I shall be rid of these thoughts forever.

"My father is a huge lover of Muggle things," she says, changing the channel. "He has one at home, but mum only lets him watch it on special occasions - mostly only the Muggle news." She sets down the controller, and then turns to see the look on my face. "Not fond of the telly?"

"Hardly," I say disgustedly.

She turns the television off and rolls onto her back, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought for a moment.

"You said that Harry liked someone else," she says, breaking the silence. "Who?"

I smile to myself and suppress a yawn. "You wouldn't believe me."

"Who?" Ginny sits up. "Hermione? Because she says that they don't have a thing, but they're really good friends and-"

"-Not her," I say, a smile on my face as she rants.

"Then who?" she asks. "He isn't around anyone else, except for Tonks and Fleur, but there's no chance of that, is there?"

I laugh again. "Nope, no chance of that." I don't even have to know these women to know that. "You really want to know, Ginny? You're not going to like it. And you're probably not going to believe it."

"Who?" she repeats, eyes watching me carefully.

"Malfoy," I say. "He loves Malfoy."

She stares at me, eyes unblinking, face unchanging.

"Huh?" she finally says. She sits up and swings her legs over the edge of the bed. "Are you mad? Harry doesn't like Draco Malfoy. They hate each other. They've been enemies since they first met."

"Things change," I say.

Clearly they do.

"No," she says, shaking her head. She has the worst case of denial.

We hear the water turn off in the bathroom and Lupin stepping out of the shower.

"Things don't, and neither do people," she says. This statement is directed at me.

"You're wrong," I mutter. "Look at yourself, and how much you've changed."

"How would you know? You've just met me," she hisses.

"I know what you told me, and I can see it in your eyes," I say.

"Merlin!" she groans, then falls silent.

"What?" I say, getting up.

"Stay away from me," she hisses.

"You're beginning to act like a fool again," I spit at her. I watch her face contort in anger and pain. I've lashed at her with the worst weapon possible, words that remind her of everything I've done to her in the past.

"Leave me the hell alone; don't you dare talk to me again," she says with venom.

I fold my arms across my chest, but lean down against the arm of the couch. Her eyes narrow at me and then fly away. We both jump as the bathroom door opens.

"Ginny, everything alright?" Lupin asks, coming out fully dressed.

"Fine," she says gruffly, and then gets back on her bed, crawling under the covers.

I glance at Lupin, who is looking at me apprehensively - I stare blankly back. I don't back down from the staring contest, and finally he looks away, shaking his head, and goes to his bed. I get into my bed and lay on my back staring at the ceiling.

Well, if you really want her, that's not the way to get her.

I know that. She just pissed me off. I don't think she's ever going to warm up to me.

Then you know what you have to do...

If she doesn't warm up, I guess I do know...

Good. Because I think it's for the best.

---

I wake up the next morning to the bright sun shining on my face through a gap in the curtains. I know Ginny is already up because her bed is empty, but I can't see her anywhere. Lupin is still fast asleep.

I know that I have to take care of my Horcruxes, but I cannot stand the thought of being rid of them. They haunt me here. It's weird to imagine killing myself. But I guess it's just something I have to do to get back home.

I realize that this is what Dumbledore is after. He wants me to discover my humanity and take things into my own hands. And oh, I will. I will do whatever I have to in order to get my way.

Checking the bathroom, I find that Ginny's not in there either. She must have gone down to get breakfast in the lobby area. I head out of the door without a second thought on what I'm doing. I take the stairs, avoiding the elevator - I have a suspicion that it will break down while I'm in it, and without my wand, I don't want to take that risk.

I find Ginny sitting at a table, eating a Danish and an apple. As I sit down opposite her, she looks up at me and rolls her eyes.

"I thought I said-"

"I wasn't talking to you," I say.

Stop being so damn sarcastic!

You are sarcastic; it's who you are. And stop being that bloody humanitarian Dumbledore wants you to be. You don't have to worry about feeling anything until you have to face yourself.

Harry will probably be doing that part.

Not if you take matters into your own hands - that will be your fight. You've already decided what to do; you don't have to worry about Ginny anymore.

Maybe I don't want to do things like that...

Or maybe-

"Hello? Answer me!" Ginny waves her hand in my face.

"Answer what?"

"Do you want to buy a more recent map to the site?" she asks.

"Sure," I say.

"Okay, well, tell Lupin I'll be up in a few minutes with the map, then we can leave."

I nod, and she leaves. I go upstairs and choose to ignore her orders, letting Lupin wander back downstairs to search for her.

---

Back on the road, Ginny is still grumbling at me for letting Lupin spend half an hour looking for her.

"I forgot," I mutter.

"You bloody well didn't," she says. "I told you just a moment before you went upstairs."

"Hmm," I say, shrugging. "Oh well. Keep going straight," I tell Lupin as I gaze at the map.

We travel for a few hours and finally, just as our stomachs start to growl with hunger, we arrive at the spot. It is in the courtyard of a little country house. There are three graves aligned next to one another; they belong to her and her grandparents.

We get out of the car, taking our shovels. We have to dig rather than use magic so that we don't damage the coffin accidentally.

We begin to dig, the sun beating down on our backs.

"This is awfully morbid," Ginny says as she pours more dirt from her shovel.

Lupin mutters his agreement. We dig a hole large enough for us to be able to easily get in and out of the grave. We finally hit the coffin and he lifts the lid.

Ginny holds her nose, and all three of us grimace at the sight of rotting bones. Around the skeleton's neck is the Horcrux we're looking for. I yank it off and pocket it.

When we crawl out of the grave, Lupin fills it again with his wand.

"Let's get this back to Grimmauld Place," Lupin says. "We'll leave the car here for someone to collect."

We nod and Lupin Disapparates. Ginny takes out her wand to Apparate, then looks at me, then at the spot where Lupin had just been. He must have forgotten that I cannot Apparate without a wand.

Ginny mumbles something incoherent and takes my arm. "Come on," she says.

---

We arrive in a very busy house. There are tons of unfamiliar people running around, appearing, and disappearing. I see Harry and Draco talking to Lupin - they spot us and Harry holds out his hand.

"You have the Horcrux?" he asks.

I nod and remove it from my pocket. "Did you get the other?"

"Ron just got it to me," Harry says, taking it from me. "We're about to go to war... I think you may need this." He holds out my wand, and I look at it for a moment .

"Right," I say, taking it.

"Hermione is working on a way to get you home," he says. "She's working with the best time traveler in the business. If you survive this, you'll be able to go back home afterwards."

"I need to speak to her," I say. She doesn't know about what Dumbledore has done.

"Right. Ginny, take him to Hermione in the library," Harry says, and then he whispers something so only I can hear him. "Make sure Hermione gets her to stay in there, and then come back." He clears his throat and in a normal voice he asks, "How long will it take?"

I frown; he doesn't want her to go to the battle. "About... A while, I have to explain something I just figured out."

"Fine," he answers. "Well, I'll be back in fifteen minutes, after we've sorted a few things out with some Order members - be ready by then."

Ginny leads me away; the house is emptying as we go. We enter a room where Hermione and some woman with blonde hair are working. They look up.

"Hello?" the woman mutters, clearly annoyed at her work being interrupted.

"Margaret, this is Tom Riddle, and Ginny Weasley. Tom is the one we're doing this spell for," Hermione says, not really looking at me.

"I need to tell you something I figured out," I say.

The three listen carefully as I explain about my suspicions regarding Dumbledore's antics. I tell them I don't believe I'll be able to step through a portal unless I do the impossible.

"That helps, actually," Hermione says when I'm finished. "That helps a lot."

She quickly stands and retrieves a book from a shelf.

"Right then," I say. It only took me a few minutes to explain everything to them. I glance at Ginny.

"I'm not staying here," Ginny says roughly. "I know Harry told you to leave me, but I'm not going to let you."

I raise an eyebrow.

"I deserve to be in this as much as anyone else, I want to fight for our freedom," she continues.

"Alright," I say. She stares at me in surprise.

"Alright?"

I shrug. "It's your choice," I say.

She nods slowly, then follows me out. I find the open door to my guest room and push her inside.

She's never going to forgive you now.

She doesn't have to...

"Hey," she says, trying to get back out. I enter. "I told you, I'm not stayi-" she stops and narrows her eyes at me as I close the door behind myself, her face bright with confusion and fear. "What are you doing?"