Destroying Myself

Chapter Four

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The good news is, Lupin allowed Harry to take the spell and ropes off me; the bad news is, Harry took my offer of being locked in his bloody room seriously. So I'm still stuck here until he feels inclined to let me out.

What scares me the most about all of this is that my thoughts are not on escaping, not on getting home. They're on that girl, Ginny; she won't stop flashing through my mind.

What's wrong with this is that I'm sensible, intelligent. I do not get mixed up with girls, because they mean trouble. The kind of trouble where you're forced to give up your hopes, your dreams, your life - to make them happy.

I can't do that, but nor can I get Ginny out of my head. The way she holds herself. That confident gaze.

I'm thinking about her so much that I'm actually considering breaking out of this room and risking being put in the full body bind again, just so that I can try to find her. Breaking out of this room... It sounds extremely risky, but well worth it, if I can just steal a few words with her.

I put my ear to the door, and hear no one; I glance out of the window, but no one is there either. I ponder - the door or the window? Which would be the easiest to escape from? I decide upon the door.

I try to open it, just in case, but it's locked tight. I'm not worried yet though, because there's always more then one way to open a magically locked door.

I find exactly what I'm looking for in a trunk at the end of Harry's bed - which I had to pick open with a safety pin, mind you. I pull from the trunk an old Sneakoscope wrapped in an old sock. As soon as I free it, it begins humming like mad, so I stuff it back into the sock. It will work fine - really, I just need any small magical object (the more powerful the better), and this would do the job nicely.

I've been practicing wandless spells for as long as I can remember - though they're not exactly 'spells', per se, but rather concentrated magical thoughts. If I want something enough, I can get it just by pursuing that thought for all it's worth.

That's what I do now, using the Sneakoscope to direct my energy at the spell on the door. I hear a crack, and know that the spell has been removed. I smile to myself as I open the door, stepping out into a small hallway.

I could take off now, just leave and not return. But with my thoughts on this girl, I can't do that yet; plus, I tell myself, these people might actually be able to help me return home - what a bonus. Bullshit.

I swiftly make my way along the corridor, approaching a nearby door. I carefully turn the handle and peek inside. And I see her. She's got her back against the wall, curled up, reading a book. I slide inside and shut the door softly - I don't want to frighten her, so somehow I have to make my presence known quietly and innocently.

I watch her for a moment, and then I say softly, "Excuse me."

She looks up and, giving a startled squeak, drops her book.

"I just came here to apologize," I say, not sure exactly what I'm apologizing for. "I don't mean to frighten you."

I don't even know what I've done to you.

"Get out," she hisses under her breath.

She looks a lot more in control of herself then she did earlier. Her eyes are strong and determined...and hateful.

"No," I say, folding my arms across my chest.

She looks at me, surprised, and slowly slides her legs out in order to stand up.

"Does Harry know you're in here?" she asks, never taking her eyes off me.

"Does it matter?" I ask.

Her hair moves off her shoulders as she stands.

Her eyes falter and I can tell that she's thinking hard. I watch her glance from the door to me; she's probably wondering what she should do about me.

"What are you reading?" I ask, glancing at her book.

She quickly slides the book from my view and shrugs.

"Nothing," Ginny says carefully.

I chuckle, mostly for her benefit. She's tense, and I want to calm her down, show her I'm not planning on harming her.

"So, you're a witch?" I ask, noticing that her wand is poking out from behind her ear.

I pretty much already assume this, but it will keep her talking.

She nods. "I am. Harry says you traveled through time to find out about your future self."

I nod, not sure what sort of a statement this is.

"What do you think so far?" she asks, eyes searching.

"No one will tell me anything," I say.

"Then why'd you apologize?" She narrows her eyes.

She's found me out.

Shit.

What am I supposed to say now?

"I-"

"Let me guess, you don't know?" she interrupts my lie.

I stare at her, my face blank.

Ginny's pale, but her eyes are strong - yet they are still fearful. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm fairly good at reading people, so looking at Ginny, I can tell she's pretty confident of herself - so why does she look so frazzled when I'm around?

"Leave me alone," she says.

What if I don't want to?

I don't move, and she stares at me. I still don't move, and she stalks angrily past me and opens the door - but she's opened it for me.

"Go," she insists.

I move towards the door, and stand in front of her, sliding my hand along the door, shutting it. I'm so near her, I can smell her vanilla perfume, mixed with rosemary, jasmine and sandalwood incense.

She backs away, looking up, almost horrified.

She's too strong and proud to beg me to leave, but her eyes are silently pleading. I can't do that, though - I'm enjoying this far too much. Her calculating eyes carefully document every little movement I make.

I take a step foreword, she takes a step back.

"I'm not going to hurt you," I say softly.

"You've told me that before," she says.

"And did I?" I ask, hoping the answer is no.

"Yes," she says, her voice steady.

I freeze in my tracks and tilt my head.

"In my first year," she says, "you almost killed me."

I can practically see memories of that year flashing across her face, but it doesn't make any sense to me at all.

"Your diary," she says.

This is when everything clicks into place in my head. The jigsaw comes together, and all the pieces fit. That diary I had created in my fifth year, preserving myself to lead someone else in my work. And if Ginny knew about my diary then that must have meant that it was she who found it. Judging by the look on her face, she wasn't happy about that at all.

I look away from her for the first time, deep in thought. The diary was meant to destroy the user when the time had come - but Ginny was still here, alive - so what had happened?

"My diary," I whisper. "What became of it?"

"It was destroyed," she says.

I turn back to her.

My hard work lost; was it worth it, in order to keep Ginny alive? Something nagging at me says yes, but I don't care to listen.

There's a soft knock on the door and both Ginny and I glance at it. Me, in fear, because I'm trapped no matter what.

"Ginny?" It's Harry.

She glances at me. "Come in."

I watch, bracing myself for the moment Harry notices me. Not much I can do about it now.

The door slowly opens, and when I come into view, his face turns from concern to hatred virtually instantaneously, his eyes darting from me to Ginny; and I realize just how close I had moved towards her and how she was almost backed up against the wall.

He whips out his wand and points it at me. "How did you get in here?"

"Used the door, and my legs," I say, straight-faced.

He looks at me like I've just insulted his mother.

"You couldn't just use the door! It was locked!" he seethes. "How did you break out?"

"It's simple really," I say. "I just directed a counter curse through a Sneakoscope you had."

Harry blinks at me a couple of times. "Why did you come in here?"

I glance at Ginny and back to Harry. "Well, you see Harry; I got lost and ended up at the wrong end of the house."

Harry rolls his eyes at me, then turns to Ginny. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she says, glancing at me.

"Well," Harry says, sending a glare in my direction, "I'll talk to you later, Ginny. Come on, Tom, you have to meet someone; she's going to send you back home, where you belong."

This last bit is said in an icy tone; then he opens the door, motioning for me to step out first, and leads me back into the living room at wand point.

After that encounter with Ginny, I don't think I'll ever be the same again - I was almost the cause of her death; that's a cryptic notion. She's blown me away, and I will get her to fall for me no matter what I have to do. Because I know I cannot be without her now that I've met her.

There's something distastefully wrong with me - I can't believe I'm being like this. What has gotten into me?