The Show Must Go On

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score...
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Remus Lupin walked the halls of Number 12 Grimmauld Place in silence, tracing patterns in the dust. It didn't seem right to be there anymore. Every room, every item, every speck of dust reminded him of Sirius. Why was he doing this to himself? What was he looking for? Did he expect Sirius to jump out of a darkened room and yell "Surprise!" Did he think it was just some big joke? He knew that was impossible. He had been there when it happened... when he fell...

He turned away from the room he had been staring into. He was being silly. There was a war waging that very moment and he was dwelling on things he couldn't change. Harry still was a bit sore with him. He had been the one to hold the boy back from doing anything stupid. If he hadn't, Harry probably would have followed Sirius right through... would have died with no regret or thought. He could only imagine how hard it was for him though. He had lost both his parents before he could even begin to remember them, and now his godfather was dead along side them. How much more would the poor child have to go through before it was enough?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

He slowly descended down the stairs and stopped at the curtain covering Mrs. Black's portrait. It reminded him so much of... He stopped himself. How dare he relate something Sirius hated so much with his final resting place? Final resting place... was that what you'd call it? More like the Ministry's own resident Hell if he had anything to say about it. Why couldn't they have been fighting in any other room? Why did it have to be that one? Why couldn't Sirius have just gotten up and kept on fighting?

He heard Molly calling his name. He had forgotten she was still there. He felt a twinge of guilt for having ignored her for so long. She must have been getting lonely having to stay at headquarters so much. Of course, the children would be done with school in a few days and she'd be back on her toes again. But who did Remus have? His best friend was gone...

"Remus, you really should get some rest, Dear. It looks like you haven't had any sleep for days," she said, coming toward him at the foot of the staircase.

"Thank you, Molly, but I'll be fine."

"Will you?"

He looked at her. She seemed to have the same dark circles around her eyes that she was lecturing him about. She may not have liked Sirius much, mostly for his influence on Harry, but he supposed she still had a soft spot for him. He also figured she was worried about Harry. Bless her heart. Only she could find room in her heart to love so many others even with that large brood of hers. Instead of answering her question he just smiled at her and headed back up the stairs. He didn't think he'd manage to get out the "No" she was looking for.

The show must go on!
The show must go on!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Where are you, Sirius? Why can't you just tell me you're all right?

"I can't really tell you I ever was sure if there was a heaven or not, but if Sirius could just tell me he was all right somehow, I swear to you I'd believe in it from then on," he whispered at the ceiling. He knew he wouldn't though. Just as Harry had learned he wouldn't be a ghost. He supposed that was Sirius' way of telling them he was just fine. He could hear him now, "You twit! Stop moping about and save the world! Somebody's got to do it now that I'm gone!" A grin escaped his lips.

He heard the door open and close from below. It was Severus. Figured... the last person he'd want to see at that moment. The one person who loathed Sirius more than anything... well, perhaps except James.

"Well hello, Severus! What are you doing here so late?" he heard Molly ask. How she could even be kind to Snape bewildered him.

"I came to give Lupin his Wolfsbane. Tomorrow is the full moon and we wouldn't want him tearing up headquarters like a wild animal I suppose," Snape said coolly.

"He's upstairs. Bring this to him if you could."

Lupin quickly began to retreat further up the stairs he didn't want to be found by Snape... not yet. He went up to see Buckbeak in Mrs. Black's room.

"Hey there," he said softly as he moved to sit near the hippogriff. He knew it was silly to hide, but he didn't know what else to do.

He wished that he hadn't seen it with his own eyes. Then maybe perhaps he could go on fighting. It would have been much easier to lie to himself, maybe pretend to believe Sirus wasn't really gone, if he hadn't seen it happen. But he had and it would haunt him forever. When Harry broke away from him to fight Bellatrix, he hadn't stopped him. He could have grabbed him, he could have stunned him, anything... but he didn't. He knew deep in his heart that he wanted Harry to find and kill her. And if Harry couldn't do it, he wanted to do it himself. Because if he couldn't have Sirius back, he wanted his murderer dead, at the very least.

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning.
I must be warmer now...
I'll soon be turning round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

The truth, he supposed, was sometimes he felt Sirius was more than a friend. Not a lover or anything, but something in between. He found it ironic that he had spent twelve years of his life believing one of his best friends was a murderer; only to find out he was completely innocent and then have him taken away again.

Buckbeak made a strange cooing noise and rubbed his head against Remus' shoulder. The worn man smiled a bit and patted the hippogriff on the head. "You miss him too, don't you?"

The door creaked open and Severus stepped in slightly. "I've brought your potion."

"Thanks," Remus said wearily.

"It isn't healthy, you know," Snape said, moving into the room a bit more. Buckbeak was eyeing him, dejectedly. Snape's steps faltered a bit.

"What isn't healthy?"

"Dwelling on... it."

"Since when are you one to give me advice?" Remus questioned.

"As much as I may have disliked him," Snape continued, ignoring Remus' question, "I know that he wouldn't have wanted this. He'd want you to move on and continue with the cause."

"Easy for you to say," Remus muttered, bitterly.

"Easy for me to say because it is true," Snape said coolly.

Remus bowed his head a bit. He knew that Severus was telling the truth. However, he wasn't quite sure why the man was being so nice to him all of a sudden.

Snape handed Remus the potion and the tea Molly had asked him to give to the morose man. "He and Potter are quite alike. Living for the moment... living for others..." Snape's voice faulted for a moment.

"Both enjoyed playing hero?" Remus enquired.

"I suppose. Potter does have a knack for doing that at least once a year. And Black needed a reason to get out of this place. Don't blame him though, as much as I enjoyed teasing him about it. The whole house is horrid. That's why I never stay for supper."

"I always thought it was because you didn't like Harry, Sirius or me," Remus admitted.

"Well, I suppose that was the other reason," he said with a slight twitch of his nose.

A small shard of light began flowing through a crack in the wall, and Remus watched a spider cascade down into it. He wondered if Sirius ever felt jealous of the spiders in the house... because they could come and go from the house, practically unnoticed.

"Well, must be dawn," Snape said, a bit flustered. "I'd better be going." He began to start for the door.

"Severus..." Remus called, gently. Snape turned back toward him, his cheeks a bit more colored than usual. "Thank you."

"For what?" Snape snapped, going back to his usual self.

"For showing me what's important."

The show must go on!
The show must go on! Yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking!
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

Remus saw what he thought was a smile before the potions master exited the room. When he heard the front door open and close, Remus stood and patted Buckbeak on the head. "I think I finally know what to do next," he said to the hippogriff, who gave him an approving coo.

He left the room and began for the stairs. He could hear other members of the Order coming into the house and doing their best to hide their whispers.

"How is he?" he heard Tonks ask Molly.

"He seems so dejected. I don't blame him though. He lost his best friend."

"Do you think he'll still be able to fight when the time comes for it?" Moody asked.

"He'll be able to fight better than ever."

They all turned to see Lupin standing in the frame of the door to the kitchen.

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

They seemed surprised by him, even more by the smile he was wearing on his face.

"Remus! How are you feeling?" Arthur asked him.

"Better, actually. I think the best word for it would be... enlightened." He saw, out of the corner of his eye, Molly smile. She obviously knew he was speaking of the chat he had had with Severus.

"What enlightenment have you received?" Moody asked in his gruff voice.

The show must go on! Yeah!
The show must go on!
I'll face it with a grin!
I'm never giving in!
On with the show!

"I've realized that even though I have lost someone dear to me, and I suspect Sirius will not be the last, the battle is still out there to be won and will not stop for me to feel sorry for myself."

"That doesn't mean you can't still grieve. We can't blame you for that," Molly said quietly.

"Remus turned to her with a smile. "I still grieve, yes. I suspect I'll never really stop grieving. Most people never do. Harry, for example, grieves his parents to this very day. Yet, through that pain, comes strength; strength for the cause. And so long as those that have cause all of us this pain are still out there, I will not rest until they are either defeated or dead."

They all seemed shocked by his sudden burst of energy and purpose, but at the same time seemed pleased. He gave them all reassuring smiles as he sat at the table next to Arthur, ready to face the next day.

The next night, in front of a fireplace in a small dilapidated house, laid a beautiful grey wolf, sleeping. A single tear shown in its eye and the thoughts of a man resided in its brain. A single paw was stretched out, as if grasping for another being, perhaps... a large black dog.

"I miss you, Sirus, but as you would probably say, 'The show must go on.'"

I'll top the bill!
I'll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

The show must go on.