The Art of Choices

Day after day time pass away

And I just can't get you off my mind

Nobody knows I hide it inside

I keep on searching but I cant find

The courage to show, to letting you know

I've never felt so much in love before

And once again I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

Figures that the one time you fall hard for somebody; that you think this person and you should be together, something happens. In my case, the guy of my dreams moved away. I'll be the first one to admit it, I've had a lot of crushes. But in this case it was not a regular crush. The first time I laid eyes on Dean, I knew he was something special. There was just something about his 'artist' image that intrigued me. Corny, but true. That's why I never told anyone. They'd probably just laugh or brush it off as my crush-of-the-week thing. Lord knows I went through enough of that with Harry. But Dean was not just a crush. I actually fell in love with him. That's right. Honest-to-goodness LOVE. So, you can imagine how distraught I was when he moved away to the mainland of Europe to help launch his career as an artist. The worst part about it though, was that I never told him how I felt or asked if he felt the same about me. Not that I would have gathered that much courage anyway. But now I've got to live with that horrible feeling for the rest of my life. I've also got to live with that thought alone, because nobody on the face of this earth knew that I loved him.

I haven't heard from Dean in almost a year and a half. I don't know if he still lives in Paris, where his wanderings took him, or if he's gone somewhere else. So lately, I've been thinking if I should just put the whole I'm-in-love thing to rest. Sometimes I think I must be crazy to do that, but I'm starting to think that letting Dean go, getting him out of my mind and my life, is better than having that horrible feeling the rest of my life.

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

How will I know if I let you go?

That's the problem. I don't know how my life would've turned out if I had told Dean about my feelings. Maybe we'd be together right now. If that was the case, I wouldn't have to sit here and think about all of this. But that's not how it happened, although you can bet that that's the way I wished it could've been. I wished, oh so many times, that I could see him and his smile again. The smile that made me realise that I was in love. I cry a little now, thinking about it, about the way my life could have been. It all keeps coming back to my original plan, however. I just think it would be easier on me if I just let Dean go peacefully, without causing myself all this heartbreak and emotional breakdown.

But do you have any idea how hard that is to do?

Night after night I hear my self say

Why can't this feeling just fade away?

There's no one like you

You speak to my heart

It's such a shame we're worlds apart

Why can't this feeling fade away? It's causing me so much emotional trouble. Trouble I don't need. I must admit, there is no one like Dean. He was one of the few people who made me feel that my life was worth living. He didn't call me names; just accepted me the just way that I was. That's probably the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. If only he was still here. But he's not. I'm just going to have to accept that.

I'm too shy to ask, I'm to proud too lose

But sooner or later I've got to choose

And once again I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

How long it's going to take me to accept it, I don't know. Hopefully, it will be sooner than later, because I don't want this emotional burden on my shoulders. It's just too much to handle right now. Oh how I wish I told Dean how I felt before he left. Then, the fact that he's gone wouldn't be quite as painful on me. But I can't change the past. What's done is done.

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me ?

How will I know if I let you go ?

But if I let you go I will never know

Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

How will I know if I let you go?

I don't know if I'll ever see Dean again. I probably won't, as I don't know where he is now. But I still have hope that I will see him again someday and if I do, then I will tell him how I feel. That is, if I haven't made my choice