Folie of a Rat

I can already feel them coming for me. They don't make any sound when they move, but you can always feel them. It gets colder and darker, and you can't think of anything but your nightmares; it's been years since I had nightmares. I've been part of so many throughout my life that my imagination can't come up with anything worse than reality. But as they move closer, I begin to hear screams and see horrors I thought I had long forgotten.

I suppose some people think I deserve this. After all, if it wasn't for me, Lily, James and Sirius would still be alive, and so would...the others. That's how I think of them. It's easy to kill when you think of the other person as nothing. No name. No history. No family. No-one. They don't matter that way. But it wasn't my fault. It was never my fault. I just did what I had to. I just obeyed orders and did what I had to survive. So you see, I can't be blamed. In fact, you could say that I am the victim here.

All I ever wanted was attention, power and affection. I thirsted for them, so when I saw the chance to get them, I went for it. I never thought about the consequences. I'm not that different from James, really. He wanted the same things as I did. It's just that he was successful. He got Lily. He was popular. He was intelligent. He had a job. He had everything I wanted. It was just...misfortune that meant I missed out. The day he died I was supposed to win. I was meant to be the hero. After all, it was I who gave my master the information about where the Potters were. My Lord would defeat them and the boy and that would be it. We would rule the wizarding world forever, and I would be his right-hand man. It was everything I could ever have dreamed of.

But James, as always, spoiled my dreams.

When we first became friends I thought I was in paradise. Whenever the four of us were together, we could always find a way of becoming the centre of attention. We had power of a kind, too - we were funny, popular and occasionally bullies. People either respected us or were terrified of us. And as for affection...there would always be one or two girls who became giggly and over-excited around us. Not so much around me for some reason. I suppose I was too short for most of them.

There was only ever one girl that I really liked. She was in the year above us and I didn't really notice her until the end of our fifth year. I thought she was so pretty and smart. When we came back in September, I noticed that she always seemed to be around us. I kept catching her watching us, and I even talked to her a few times...and then I found the note. I spotted it one evening on the floor of our dormitory and I still remember what it said:

Meet me in the entrance hall at 10am on Hogsmeade day.
Love,
Emily.

The last Hogsmeade trip of the year was the following day, and I hardly slept that night. I was so excited! I could barely believe that this was happening. I'd thought of Emily almost non-stop for over a year and now I was to go on a date with her. I spent most of the night planning exactly what we'd do and where we'd go. And more to the point, what our first kiss would be like...a peck on the cheek, perhaps? On the lips...? I'd heard James and Sirius talking about spending nearly an hour kissing the same girl, and I couldn't even begin to imagine how. I kept wondering why they didn't get bored; after all, there's only so many times you can give a girl a peck on the lips.

Just before 10 o'clock the next morning I made my way hesitantly through the crowds in the entrance hall. It seemed almost every student in the school who could go was going. I thought I'd never find her. Eventually I saw her standing near the entrance to a corridor that led down to the Hufflepuff common room, as if she might make a hurried escape any moment. She was looking even more nervous than I felt. I walked up to her and smiled winningly.

"Hello, Emily. You're looking great."

She looked at me a little blankly, "Oh. Umm...hi...Peter, isn't it?"

How could she not know my name?! We were about to go on a date for goodness sake! I pegged it down to nervousness and started up some small talk to put her at ease.

"So, where do you want to go first? I thought maybe Madame Puddifoot's."

"Sorry? Oh...right. You're trying to be funny. He told me all about you."

What kind of answer was that? And who was 'he'? That should have warned me. I should have realised and pretended that my being there was a joke. I was so naïve. Instead I tried to think of a new line of conversation. Just as I was about to open my mouth, Emily smiled broadly, and waved to someone. A few moments later James sauntered up and kissed her cheek.

"You look beautiful," he said, oozing confidence, then he glanced at me and briefly nodded in acknowledgement, before escorting Emily away.

I just stared. I knew he could be cruel, but I had never been on the receiving end of it. He knew I liked her, and he stole her from me. My only love and he took her. He tried to cover it up later and pretend that the note was for him. But I know the truth. I was the one Emily wanted. James...well, he tricked her. He tricked her! That was him all over. Always pulling tricks of one sort or another. But I got the last laugh this time. I took Lily away from him. I hope his heart shattered whilst he died, knowing his foolhardy sacrifice was for nothing, and she would be next.

I didn't always hate James. We had such similar desires that, to begin with, we were closer than brothers. It all started to fall apart when Sirius got jealous of me. James and I used to spend so much time together, pulling pranks and playing Quidditch. We were great together. Sirius couldn't take it though. He always wanted James to himself. When he got annoyed at our closeness he would tell James to "stop encouraging me," and he would tell me to stop being so pathetic and copying everything James did.

Fool.

How could he be so stupid to believe that I was nothing but James' shadow?! He was the one who couldn't do anything without James. Just look at how we became Animagi. James and I had to give him so much help to be able to do it. He was never as smart as us. They say that the form you take reflects who you are. Ha! Nothing could be truer; after all, Sirius was nothing but a scruffy, common dog, whilst James was a powerful stag and I was an intelligent rat. He should have realised then, that I was destined for greater things.

Idiot.

Well, I paid him back too. I took James and Lily away from him and I made sure he ended up in Azkaban. That should have given him long enough to realise that I was the intelligent one in our group. I was the one who became invaluable to my Lord. I was the one who destroyed them all.

I still smile at the picture of him being dragged away for a crime he didn't commit. While I was in hiding, I managed to get hold of old newspapers from rubbish bins, and I loved to read the articles about me. The whole wizarding world was honouring me and my achievements. My bravery in tackling a murderer. My intelligence in solving a crime no one else had understood. My loyalty to my friends. There were quotes in the articles from school peers and acquaintances, all about how wonderful I was. I loved it.

I wished I could find a way of coming back to life convincingly so that there would be more articles about me. But that would have been impossible without revealing how and why we became Animagi, and back then I couldn't do that to Remus. Somehow I still felt some sympathy for him and I thought that I had punished him enough - I had taken away all his friends, and besides - he would always be segregated for the monster he was. I lived to regret being so lenient with him, but then kindness always was a weakness of mine.

I spent years in hiding. By chance, I found a wizarding family and I spent years in their care, which eventually brought me into contact with that Potter brat. I soon found that he was just as self-centred and foolhardy as his father was. I spent two years watching the Potter brat and carefully gathering information about him. I always intended to find my master again, and I knew that my information would please him. Then Sirius escaped and everything changed.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was frightened by Sirius' escape. I had spent too many years as a rat, and I was out of practice as a wizard. I knew that if Sirius had a chance, he would try to kill me. I shouldn't have been afraid though. Even out of practice, I could have beaten Sirius blindfolded. But at the time, I wasn't thinking clearly, so I faked my own death to buy myself sometime and create a plan. It all would have worked out if it hadn't been for the mud-blood girl finding me in the half-breed's hut.

It all came to a head in the Shrieking Shack, an appropriate place for our final confrontation really, seeing as how much time we spent together there as children. I could have killed both Sirius and Remus without a second thought, if it hadn't been for them telling James' brat and his hangers-on their version of the story. It threw me, and when the brats believed the story I really began to panic. I could see all my carefully laid plans going wrong. At that point I didn't care whether I killed Sirius and Remus, I just had to get out alive. I knew I would have other chances to kill them.

Ironically it was James' brat who stopped Sirius and Remus from trying to kill me. It must have been the influence of Lily's dirty blood that made him go soft in the head. I chose not to fight back. After all, what is it they say? 'He who runs away lives to fight another day.' I ran, and I did fight again. So did Sirius and Remus, although Sirius didn't fight for much longer. It seems that natural justice prevailed in Sirius' death, because if it hadn't been for him, James would still be alive, so it seemed fitting that Potter's pathetic heir caused Sirius' death.

It all that made me wish I had punished Remus more. I should have found some way of leaking what he was. Of course, I don't have to worry about that anymore. Someone else made quite sure that all the parents and children of Hogwarts found out what he is. I just wish it had been me.

After I departed from Hogwarts, I made up my mind to find my master. I heard rumours from underground sources about where he was, and eventually I found him somewhere in mainland Europe. I was the only one to find him. The only one brave enough. The only one loyal enough. The only one smart enough. I knew that would put me back in favour. After all, no one else had even tried to find him. I would go back to being his right hand man and we would defeat the Potter's spawn, Sirius and Remus together. We would be unbeatable.

It turned out to be even better than I could have imagined, as to begin with he was utterly dependent on me. I wish I could describe the thrill it gave me to know that the most feared wizard in our world was incapable of doing anything without me. The power of the situation was beyond my wildest dreams. I used to fantasise of finding ways to transfer his power to me, and leaving him as helpless as the lowest squib. Then the wizarding world would bow to me for defeating 'You-Know-Who' and I would have more magical ability than any wizard alive.

I was made responsible for making him a new body. I did everything possible to stall the process, whilst I researched ways of gaining my master's power. That was why I insisted on using the Potter boy. That was a mistake. I should have learnt by then that anything involving James and his offspring goes wrong. I was sloppy in caring for my master, I needed him to have some power, else there would be no point in draining it from him, but I still did too much, because he became more powerful than I realised. He knew what I was doing.

When he got his new body things began to go seriously wrong for me; he had seen me being dangerously unfaithful. On the surface he continued to favour me. I was still useful, and besides I knew so much that if I switched sides I could easily provide the information to destroy him. In reality my powers within our circle were steadily worn down. I was given tasks I had no hope of completing, so I was punished and lost credibility with the other Death Eaters. Slowly but surely my master undermined my position, to the extent that I was no longer respected by anyone, and I was never again part of his inner circle.

That's when I stopped caring. I had no reason to care. I had no chance of becoming powerful again - neither the Death Eaters nor Dumbledore's side would want anything to do with me. I would never receive the attention I craved because there was always someone more talented than me, and I was methodically shunted to the sidelines. As for affection; who would want me? The wizarding world believed me to be a traitor and Death Eaters do not show affection to anyone.

I became careless and made mistakes. That's how I ended up here. I was given the mission of assassinating James' boy, and I gleefully took it, believing that this was my chance to be restored to glory. Besides, I relished the chance to get even with James' memory. It was a hopeless task. The brat is so well defended that no one but my master could possibly attack him. Besides, someone had passed my plans on to Dumbledore, which ensured I was captured. After that it wasn't long before I was tried and given my sentence.

I suppose it's fitting really. All my life I have desired three things - attention, power and affection. Of those three I have only ever really lacked the latter. It seems right somehow that my life should end with the ultimate show of affection.

A single kiss.