I Am A Rock

"I Am A Rock"

Songfic to 'I Am A Rock" by Simon & Garfunkel

***

Professor Severus Snape sits in his quarters alone and cold. He looks out of his lone, small window at the white and sparkling snow. He watches as the young students run about throwing snowballs at one another. He wrinkles his nose in disgust.

A winter's day in a deep and dark December

I am alone

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

He wonders if he ever enjoyed the snow. He's sure he hasn't. When he thinks of the snow, all he can recall are red, runny noses and blue fingers. His breath coming out in white-gray puffs, his voice weak and young crying for his father to allow him back into the house. His robes wet and frozen to the knees, his thin legs red, raw and numb.

He shakes his head to free himself from the memory.

I am a rock

I am an island

A snowball crashes into the windowpane and he silently makes a note to take away ten points from Gryffindor and assign those blasted Weasley twins a detention.

'Snowballs....'

I've built walls, a fortress deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need for friendship, friendship causes pain

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

He loathes snowballs. They meant broken noses and black eyes. They meant Sirius Black and James Potter falling over themselves in laughter and Remus Lupin sending silent apologizes while never saying anything to his two friends.

Lupin and he had been friends in that first fleeting year here at Hogwarts. But then in Second Year, Lupin became inseparable from his three Gryffindor housemates. They hated Severus, and he hated them. It was only a matter of time before Severus was calling Lupin a Mudblood and he retaliated by ignoring the fact his friends ruthlessly tormented him.

I am a rock

I am an island

He returns his hard gaze on the students below. He hoped to find the Weasley twins charming more snowballs. Instead he sees his prized pupil, Draco Malfoy with Pansy Parkinson. The blond boy leans down to kiss the dark haired girl and Severus's lip curls. Blond hair and black mix together as the two students seem to become one.

Don't talk of love but I've heard the word before

It's sleeping in my memory

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died

If I'd never loved I never would have cried

Severus remembers a kiss on a cold December day; it seemed buried in his memory. Even though it caused him pain, he refused to filter it into his trusty Pensive. He allowed it to stay under the many other thoughts and memories he dared not dwell on for too long. But occasionally it did surface.

He recalls his large nose bumping her petite one, how his heart threatened to leap from his chest at any moment. He remembers the kind, whispered words she purred as they sat on a bench behind the dormant greenhouses. He remembers how his chest ached for days after she left him for someone a bit richer, a bit older, a lot more handsome, and a lot more blond.

I am a rock

I am an island

He turns from the window and the kissing Slytherins. He sits at his desk, intent on distracting himself. He fiddles with his Third Year students' essay papers. It doesn't take too much for his mind to leave the past and focus on Ron Weasley's horridly done paper. He sneers as he scratches his corrections with his trusty red quill. He goes through the essays his lips in a slight smirk as he writes "Doomed to failure" on Harry Potter's parchment.

There's a knock at the door and it swings open, silent and slow. Remus Lupin, looking horridly weak, walks in; a small, congenial smile plastered on his face.

Severus doesn't speak; he just nods to where the wolfsbane potion sat waiting for the werewolf. Lupin nods and takes it wordlessly from the table. He says a polite thank you, but Severus only sneers.

The door closes as Lupin's back disappears down the hall. Severus grumbles to himself about Dumbledore allowing werewolves with links to dangerous escaped criminals in the school. But as he tosses the stack of papers into his drawer, he sees his own faint scar, standing out obviously on his pale white forearm.

I have my books and my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me

Another snowball flies into the window, causing it to splinter and shatter.

Severus jumps to his feet and crosses to the window in three strides. No one was in sight. No matter. He mutters a Repairo spell and takes note to take off another twenty points from Gryffindor and add a week to the Weasley twins' sentence. He walks back to his desk, and sits down.

I am a rock

I am an island

Severus closes his eyes for a long moment. Past winters come rushing from hidden pockets deep in the walls of his memory. Green sparks and the smell of smoke with burnt flesh mingling with it. Screams of both men and women, babies crying. Green, everything was green. When he opens his eyes again, he feels the familiar moisture but quickly blinks away the tears he simply refused to allow to fall.

And a rock feels no pain

And an island never cries

"I hate the bloody winter."

***

Inspired by Freelancer's Music Video

Video can be found here:

http://www.angelfire.com/wizard2/snaperock/index.html