Not Just an Empty Emotion

Chapter 4- Stop Running

Harry ran all the way up to the North Tower, up the boys' staircase and flopped onto his bed. When he had managed to draw the hangings with his shaking hands, he curled up to his headboard, rocking backwards and forwards in panic.

What the hell have I done? He thought, Shit, I kissed Malfoy! That's not only wrong it's sick! For a start it's Malfoy, but he's a boy! And so am I! Oh shit, what the hell have I done?

He didn't understand what had happened. One minute they'd been talking, the next...he could barely think about it. He ran his hand over his mouth. The swelling had gone down but he still felt dirty. He had kissed Malfoy! He had no idea what to do. He was lost.

He got up tentatively and walked to the stone basing in the corner. With a tap of his wand it gushed a steady stream of water. He splashed his face, felling it's icy cold hitting him, slapping him. He scrubbed his teeth, and his tongue, and his lips. He needed to get Malfoy off him. He only stopped when he felt the taste of blood on his tongue.

Almost crawling back onto his bed, he looked at his watch. It was one thirty already. He'd missed lunch. But somehow, he wasn't hungry. Hideous thoughts raced around his mind. What would his parents say if they knew? What would his friends say if they found out? What was he going to do now? Why did Malfoy kiss him? What did he want? How could he ever face him again? Was it a plan? What would Malfoy do now?

The thoughts were getting jumbled in his head, like a giant ball of wool. He needed a pensive or something...

He was getting a headache. He needed to know what had just happened. He was getting desperate. He needed...he didn't know. All of a sudden his eyes felt heavy, and his head was drooping. Stress and tiredness overcame him, and he slept fully clothed, on his bed.

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As the light around Hogwarts castle began to fade, and starts begin to force their way out of the veil of deep-blue in the sky, Harry Potter could be found lying face down on his bed. The more he tried to not think of Malfoy, the harder the arousal between his legs seemed to throb. He was so confused! He didn't understand anything, and he needed to. He hadn't eaten a thing, or spoken to anyone at all since it had happened. He didn't know when he would ever dare to get of his bed, or even if he would.

He needed to talk to someone. He knew who he would have talked to. Sirius. He was the obvious choice. Harry wasn't sure if he would have told Sirius everything, but even just being able to siphon off some of his confusion would have helped him right now.

If Sirius hadn't been dead.

He felt tears prickling in his eyes as he thought of his Godfather, but wiped them away immediately, angry. He could have told Lupin, but he didn't feel he had the closeness of the relationship he'd had with Sirius with Lupin. Not yet, anyway. Not to tell him something like this.

Suddenly, the door of the dormitory opened, with a slight creak, and then closed again. Harry lay still. He didn't know who it was, but right now he didn't want to talk to anyone. Maybe, he thought, if I stay still long enough, they won't know I'm here, and they'll piss off.

"Harry?" said a strange voice. He didn't recognise it. It wasn't one of the fifth years. He held his breath.

"Harry?" it repeated. He wanted to scream, to tell them to leave him alone. But he didn't dare. "Oh, Harry for Christ's sake, I know you're there, and I know there's something wrong. Stop being a prat and tell me. I'm not stupid you know!" Still he didn't move. "Right! Fine! Be like that, but I'm telling you Harry, I won't leave you alone."

A small hand shot through the hangings on his bed and, before he could stop it, had ripped them apart. For a split second they stared at each other.

"NO!" Harry yelled, covering himself with his pillow.

It was Ginny.

Harry was fully aware that his face was bright red; he didn't know what to say. Ginny just stared at him, with one eyebrow raised.

"Shit," he muttered finally. "It's-I-um... well..."

"You're not making much sense Harry," she said gently. "I didn't come here to embarrass you. I came here to talk."

And I want to talk, he thought, but not with you! Not about this!

When he didn't say anything Ginny carried on speaking. "We know there's something wrong Harry. Ron says you've got a headache. He said you left him in the morning. Why did you leave? You didn't have a headache, did you?"

Silence.

Unperturbed she continued, "Where did you go when you left Ron?"

He couldn't not speak. It was clear she wasn't going until she got some answers.

"I came straight up to bed. Didn't fancy going to the hospital wing."

"Don't lie Harry. I know that's not true. Tell me the truth"

What? How the hell could she know he was lying?

"I...met someone on the way. How do you know I didn't come straight to the tower?"

She smiled, "Because I wasn't going to lessons today either. I felt ill, and the sight of Snape's face would have made me feel worse, so I took the day off. I was sitting by the fire in the armchair. You looked terrified. And you were crying."

"I was NOT!" He yelled.

"Yes you were, I saw you, remember? You were all red, and crying and you looked like you had just escaped from you-know-who or something. You looked awful."

"Oh. But I didn't-why have you come here? Did Ron or Hermione send you?"

"Oh, no of course not. They're perfectly capable of coming to see you themselves. No, they just think you really do have a headache."

"So why are you here then?"

"Because I'm worried. You leave Ron, turned up crying an hour later, aren't seen all day, haven't eaten and wont talk to anyone and then I find you-"

"Big Deal! It's none of your business...I'm just...don't...I mean...leave me alone."

"I'm not going until you give me a reasonable excuse Harry. It's your call."

"Yeah? Well, this is my Dorm. So get lost, Ginny or I'll-"

"Or you'll what Harry?" Ginny was getting upset now. "I have come here because I'm concerned, you obviously need to talk, I'm your friend and I don't care what you say there is something serious troubling you!"

Harry lay down on his bed, curled in a foetal position. "I can't tell you," he whispered, "I just can't."

Ginny sat down beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder. It's okay, Harry, honesty. You can tell me, I promise. It'll be completely confidential. I won't tell anyone-not even Crookshanks."

Harry smiled weakly. "I don't think I can tell you everything," he began, "But I'll try and tell you as much as I can!" he added, noticing the look on Ginny's face.

They sat in silence for a minute longer.

"Go on then," said Ginny patiently.

"When I left Ron, I wasn't ill. I didn't have a headache, I was just really tired, so I wanted to come back to bed. I was a bit pissed off with the world to tell you the truth. No reason why. I juts was.

"So...I...I started to walk back to the tower, but...I bumped into someone."

"Who?" Ginny said when Harry didn't continue, "And how the hell did you bump into them? Were you walking with your eyes closed?"

"The lights went out!" he replied indignantly, "And it was...um...Malfoy," he finished in a very small voice.

"Oh shit," whispered Ginny.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Harry said, almost bitterly, "But he...he was different. Kind of...nice."

"Well that's a load of rubbish, Harry, because the words 'nice' and 'Malfoy' do NOT go well together..."

He smiled, "I know, but, not this time. He said he wanted to talk. Wanted to take me into a classroom to talk privately."

"You didn't," her voice was almost pleading, "please say you didn't, Harry."

"I did," he replied, hopelessly, "I gave him sixty seconds to explain what he wanted."

"But then how come you didn't get back up to the tower for another hour?"

"Because...I was interested in what he had to say."

Ginny's mouth fell open. "Are you under the Imperius curse?" she asked, incredulously.

"Of course not! But...I was interested...at first I thought he just wanted to get information out of me...you know, for Voldemort."

Ginny flinched, but Harry ignored her and went on. The memories were so clear and sharp in his mind; each scene was played out in his head, like a Muggle film...

"But then he said that he had no father-" Ginny opened her mouth to protest, but no words came out, she could tell this was important to Harry. She'd have to save any questions until the end. But she was wondering what crap Malfoy had been saying to make Harry go like this. She couldn't help it.

Harry repeated the conversation he had had with Malfoy to Ginny. Though he could see the disbelief in her face, the words he said made more and more sense to him as his voice spoke them. There was no doubt in his mind now: Malfoy was telling the truth.

He was reaching the end of his tale, "And then, just as we shook hands I saw...what...what was inside me last year. Voldemort was behind his eyes, because his bastard of a father had let Voldemort live near Malfoy all summer, and Malfoy didn't have any idea. But...he...left when...we...shook hands. And I trust him" He finished. His voice shook. He didn't want to say about the kiss. The was no way on Earth that he could tell Ginny about that...

Ginny said nothing. She had her head in her hands. Her body looked to be shaking slightly.

"Oh, Harry," she said. Her eyes when she looked up at his face were shining with unshed tears. "What the hell have you done? You can see what he's done can't you? It's such a load of bullshit Harry! He's not on our side. He isn't going to help you! What the hell could have made him change his mind?"

"Have you ever had Cruciatus cast on you?" Harry said quietly, "Because Malfoy has. His own father cast it on him, Ginny, and then he found the book and-"

"I know, Harry, I know. I want to believe it but...I can't. You can see can't you? Why I can't trust him? How can you be so sure?"

"Because...." He wanted to explain, about what he had felt during the kiss...about how he knew that Voldemort had left Malfoy...along with his father. But what was he meant to say? I kissed him and then I knew Voldemort was gone. No way. But somehow he had to explain. "Well...I still want him to prove it but I know, I just know he's telling the truth. Please Ginny, you have to trust me."

"Harry, I want to. I really, really do! But...now don't take this the wrong way," she said hurriedly, "At the moment you're so vulnerable. It would have been so easy for Malfoy to make you think he was trustworthy. There's all this stuff with Voldemort, and then about...um...Sirius, and you're worried...your mind is going to be so weak after all the things you've had to deal with!

"You were too quick to trust him, Harry. It's not your fault I know but, oh it will just have been so easy to manipulate you!"

Harry looked at her. Her tears were streaming down her face as she spoke, but she wiped them away determinedly.

"You need more, Harry. It's just so...so stupid! I'm not saying you're stupid, of course I'm not, but...Oh God, Harry, why do you believe him!"

"I-" he wanted to tell her so much, "I can't say."

"HARRY!" she stormed, "This is so ridiculous! WHY can't you tell me?"

"Because...you wouldn't believe me," he lied.

"Fine." She said. She didn't believe him one bit. GOD she hated boys. How could Harry do this to her? After all they' been through? He had to tell someone... "Harry, please, please tell someone. Tell Professor Dumbledore-"

"NO! No way! Malfoy made me promise I wouldn't...I shouldn't even have told you. You won't tell anyone, will you?" his voice was so strained and anxious. He had tears shining in his eyes now. "I'm so sorry Ginny. I know you don't believe me, but I can't tell you everything. I want to but I can't. You just have to trust me...that he is trustworthy.... please Ginny, don't tell anyone."

She looked into his eyes. "Oh, Harry of course I won't! God knows, I want to. But I promise I won't. But you have to promise me something."

"What?" he said, nervously.

"That you tell me everything he says to you. Please? Promise me?"

He thought, how could he promise? He hadn't even told her everything now so how could he in the future? But then...it wasn't as though he was intending what had happened that morning to happen again...

"I promise, Ginny." He reached out, and brushed a lock of hair out of her face. She leaned forward, and they embraced each other. Harry collapsed in her arms, shedding the last remainders of his tears. "Thank-you."

As they broke apart, Ginny said, "I still don't know why you really had to hide yourself up here all day...all term come to think of it. You've been so funny since the Welcome Feast...Why?"

He couldn't get over it. He would have to tell her if she was ever going to trust him again. She'd noticed something was wrong. And how many other people had? Maybe if he had someone to share it with it would be easier...but he couldn't.

She saw the hesitation on his face, "Harry please. I promise what you tell me will go no further. I'm a big girl now. I can deal with it, and I'm not going to judge if that's what you're afraid of. Please."

He looked at her. His emotions were battling with each other...so ferocious in his mind.... he could almost see the battle before his eyes. Flashes of red...blood...war...he realised what he was seeing...pain overcame him, and he wanted to see no more. Slowly...very slowly...he died.

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He could hear a girl sobbing, close to him. A cold but comforting hand was resting on his cheek. His body was aching. He felt sick. As he opened his eyes, a voice broke through the sobbing.

"Harry! Oh God, Harry!"

He felt his head being lifted and a hot potion trickle into his mouth. As he swallowed his vision became clearer, and he was able to breathe freely and easily again. His body and mind both seemed light.

Resting his head back down on the pillow he lay for a moment with his eyes closed. "Ginny?" he said, "Ginny, are you there?"
"Yes, Harry. Yes of course I am."

"What-what happened?"

"I- you...um...you seemed about to tell me...something, and then you just went all cold and pale, really suddenly. And you blacked out. God...I was so scared. It was as though...as though you were dead."

"Dead?" Harry repeated, "I couldn't possibly be dead....I'm alive. Tell me, Ginny!"

"After you went cold, you just lay on your bed. I was so scared...I put a protection charm around your bed, and I ran to my dorm to get the potion I just gave you-it's like a stronger version of what Madam Pomfrey gives out when people have got colds. Anyway, when I came back, you weren't as cold, so I put you in bed to keep you warm...then, when you came round, I gave you the potion."

"How long have I been out?"

"About an hour. I've been here all along, Harry, no one knows what happened, and no one saw me go into my dorm. Don't worry. You'll be Okay, Harry. I promise."

"Shit," Harry said. He had no idea what had happened. He was even more confused than before.

"Harry, it's okay. It was probably just one of those things you had last year...like...like Malfoy has been having, too. It might even just be a repercussions on what's been happening to you over the last year.... it can't have been easy..."

"No," he agreed, "it hasn't. But you're probably right...I'm not saying I can understand it." There was something about Ginny's bedside manner that made him completely calm. He trusted her...

"Of course not-" she began, but he cut her off.

"Ginny- I'm going to tell you."

"Oh, no, Harry...please...you don't want to-"

"I do. I want to tell someone, and I can trust you, I know I can, so that person's you. Okay?"

"Okay..."

"The reason I've been so funny since the welcome feast is...well... something changed between me and Malfoy. At the welcome feast...something happened, I don't know what, but since then I haven't felt like I hated him. And I had a dream...with him in it. And...I enjoyed it," his face went crimson. Ginny remembered the awkward situation she had found him in when she came in the room, a possibility flashed through her mind, but she dismissed it straight away, and remained silent. Harry continued, "We haven't seen each other all term until this morning. But I didn't tell you everything that happened," there was no way he could get away with not telling her now. He had no choice. He had to. He took a deep breath, and braced himself, "The reason I trust Malfoy is...I felt that I could trust him...when he kissed me."

Ginny gasped, "He did what?!"

"He kissed me. And I kissed him back."

"Why?"

"I don't know. It just sort of happened...I don't think either of us meant it to happen. But it did. And I enjoyed that too...just like the dream. And I don't know why, because I'm not...well...he's.... he's a boy, and I'm a boy and I don't know what the hell to do, and I'm so embarrassed and so confused but I know I can still trust him! SHIT!" he yelled.

"Harry, slow down! Damn, I'd never have thought...but...oh God.... are you gay?"

"NO! I'm not gay I'm straight! At least...I think I am-"

"If you are, that's okay, you know? It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I know but...how can I be gay, I've never had feelings for another guy before, this was just a one-off incident! It wasn't meant to happen!"

"Au contraire, Harry. Everything is meant to happen."

"I guess... I just don't know why I did it. It's not me!"

"Well, weather you're gay or not, it doesn't matter, what matters that it's with Malfoy. And before you say anything I know you trust him, but that doesn't stop me being suspicious.... you need to sort out your own head first."

"I guess...are you okay with the fact that I'm possibly gay?"

"You might not be gay. You might be bisexual..."

"Hmm...I suppose..."

"Don't be embarrassed, don't be worried, just give it time, and it'll sort itself out in your mind, don't worry. And promise me you won't worry too much about anything else too...you've got me to help with that now!"

"Thanks Ginny. God, you're so good at this! How... I mean, why are you so accepting about all this?"

"What, about the fact that you kissed another boy? Because it's like me, Harry."

"What? I don't-"

"I'm bisexual."

Harry didn't know what to say, he'd only ever known Ginny to have boyfriends... but then it wasn't likely to be something she'd broadcast...

Ginny smiled. "I've only recently realised that what I was feeling for some girls was more than just friendship. I was a bit scared at first, but then I thought, why the hell should I be? I've done nothing wrong and it's nothing to be ashamed of. So I'm bisexual and anyone who has got a problem with that can answer to me."

Harry laughed a little. Despite the confusion and shock revelation about Ginny's sexuality, and perhaps about his own, he was contented. More, in fact, than he had been in a long while.

"Don't worry, Harry," Ginny mused as she stood up off his bed, handing him a large slab of Honeyduke's Chocolate, "Our secrets will go with us to the grave."

She leant over, and kissed his forehead lightly, before tweaking the four-poster's hangings shut, and leaving the room.

He flopped back onto his bed, a small smile playing about his lips. As he ate a piece of chocolate, he somehow felt broadly satisfied.