The Unauthorised Biographies of Harry Potter

"It's a real pleasure to meet you," said Joanne, shaking Harry's hand.

"Please, take a seat," Harry replied, with a wan smile.

"Thank you for seeing me, I'm sure you're probably quite busy," said Joanne.

Harry nodded.

"Well, have you read my manuscripts?" she said nervously, unconsciously tapping her fingers silently on the arm of the chair.

"Yes, I have," replied Harry. The expression on his face did not fill Joanne with much hope.

"What did you think?"

"I must say, there are a few points I'd like to raise with you," Harry replied.

"Okay," said Joanne, grabbing a piece of parchment and a quill from her bag hastily.

"Well, uh ... Where to start? The titles of your stories, perhaps."

Joanne nodded, quill poised.

"Is it really necessary to have my name on each of them? Why must it be Harry Potter AND the Philosopher's Stone?"

"Well, these books are principally about you and your life as it is affected by the events of the year; in that case, with Voldemort's attempt to recover the Philosopher's Stone. The story isn't about the stone itself, but merely you AND it."

"But the Philosopher's Stone wasn't even the greatest part of my first year at Hogwarts! The most important thing was that I had been taken from my life as I knew it and transplanted into an entirely different world. All that business with the Philosopher's Stone was just something else I did that year while I was at school." Harry shifted himself to a more comfortable position on the seat. "I just think that title sounds much too grand for what happened."

"Okay, well ... Do you have any alternate suggestions?"

"I think something more along the lines of 'The Emancipation of Harry Potter from an Unfortunate Existence in the Muggle World' would be more appropriate."

"That's hardly very catchy," Joanne replied, thinking that there was no chance in hell she was changing her titles. "Although, 'The Emancipation of Harry Potter' does have a ring to it..."

"I found some of the other titles to be a bit confusing as well. 'The Chamber of Secrets' is all well and good, but 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'?" Harry was looking frustrated. "The Goblet of Fire had very little to do with my fourth year of school. I hardly even saw it after my name came flying out of it." He flicked at a piece of fluff on his cloak.

"But the Goblet was what set into motion all of the rest of the events of that year," Joanne protested, starting to look frustrated as well.

"No, it wasn't. Barty Crouch, Jr., was. Or Voldemort himself was, to be more accurate. And the Order of the Phoenix had even less to do with my fifth year at Hogwarts!" Harry moved again, resuming his original position.

Joanne was silent for a moment.

"Well, apart from the titles, what did you think?" she asked.

"Why on earth did you write that my scar is shaped like a lightning-bolt?"

"Oh, that. Well, you see, it's just the way that your scar resembles..." she trailed off.

"A breast," said Harry.

"Yes, and I just thought that we didn't need that in the book. For the benefit of our younger readers, you see. A lightning-bolt just seemed more appropriate - and more dramatic, as well."

"It also reduces the amount of jokes that Fred, George, Ron, and Slytherin House, get to tell at my expense. I suppose that's a good thing. Okay, so the scar thing is fine. Why did you make Severus Snape into such a bastard?"

"I thought we needed a regular bad guy."

"Voldemort?" suggested Harry dryly.

"At Hogwarts."

"Draco Malfoy?"

"Okay, so the real reason is, that," she explained, "so when the sixth book finishes, readers would believe him to truly be evil, because every year he's been so terrible to you."

"Building the drama for the seventh book?" Harry asked, surprised. "Isn't that a bit shameless? I mean, he's a real person, after all." Joanne looked abashed. "As for Luna, well - you should be ashamed. She's a lovely person, and she's a Ravenclaw - yet you've written her like she's some kind of court-jester. You're going to upset several people with that, not least of them Luna herself."

"It just seemed to fit. I mean, with her name, and considering who her father is."

"The Quibbler is hardly as bad as you make out, either," continued Harry.

"Well, it's hardly the respected face of magical journalism. You're just biased because they ran that article for you in your fifth year."

"Or maybe because they weren't writing lies about me for the whole of my fifth year." Harry was a bit angry now, and feeling defensive. How dare this woman take to altering his life to fit her story of his life.

"Fine," said Joanne, darkly. "Is there anything else?"

"Sirius is going to be upset that you wrote him out of the story."

Joanne tapped her fingers, impatiently now. She'd been hoping this wouldn't come up.

"Well... I just thought it might work as an emotional kick-along."

"I don't think it needed it! I should know. I certainly didn't need any further emotional 'kick-along' when it was happening to me!" He stopped to collect himself. "Also, it seemed to be put in a rather strange place - considering how he seems to appear, be exiled, come back, then die - all in short time."

"It seemed more tragic that way."

"Okay, look, I really don't think there's any way I can let you publish these books as they are. There are far too many inaccuracies in them for them to be biographical, and to be quite frank, I just don't like it."

"Listen, Harry, just now - I've been thinking. What if we marketed them as fiction?"

"I don't think so. Most of the Wizarding World knows my story anyway - tit-shaped scar and all. It would be a mockery."

"Well, what if we published them as fiction - to Muggles?"

"To Muggles?"

"Yes."

"As fiction? That's insane."

"Well, they can't pass as biography in the Muggle world, but I'm sure we can sell them as fiction. I am certain it will work.

"Hmmm. I'll have to think about it," said Harry, considering. Her fanciful version of his life did work better in terms of being pure story. It was a crazy idea, yet Harry found himself thinking that it was just crazy enough to work.