To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

By Margaret MacEaver

Here follows a COMPLETELY FACUTAL and 100% NOT BIASED account of the events leading to me being in a horribly unpleasant condition. Anyone found enjoying the contents of the following account will be summarily transfigured into a cockroach and squashed under the heel of my trainer. Don't think I'm kidding.

Home on summer hols you'd think I'd be safe from Snivellus and his foul brews (and breath) for a few months at least but no, my OWN CLOSEST FRIENDS conspire against me to make it otherwise.

I tell you, you lot sure can hold a grudge. All right, so Filch caught you buggers and not me on our last spectacular prank at school (incidentally, brill idea on sabotaging the prefects' bathroom, Sirius. If you three hadn't been writing lines in detention all the next morning you would have loved to see the looks on the blighters' faces. But I digress.) But I wouldn't have expected you to be sore about it so long! Because when it comes down to it it is MY invisibility cloak after all and if I'd waited to try to cram the lot of us under it we'd all've been nabbed wouldn't we and then no one would have gotten to see the spectacular results. (Maybe if next time I take a picture you won't sulk, is that it?) I don't think I deserved this completely underhanded retaliation, I maintain I did nothing wrong. After all, there's nothing in our code of morals about all for one and all that rot. We're marauders, not musketeers.

But ickle babies that you are you just had to nurse the grudge for a bloody month, didn't you? Don't think I haven't figured you out.

FACT: Moony did floo to my house for the weekend and in the course of the stay ask if I could owl him my latest copy of Which Broomstick when I was finished with it.

FACT: Being a noble Gryffindor and true to my word and NOT SUSPECTING MY FRIENDS WOULD BE PLOTTING AGAINST ME, I did send Batbait to Moony the very next week.

FACT: Rather than sending Batbait back promptly, Messrs. Moony and Sirius did a most loathsome and underhanded thing. Using my owl, they sent Snivellus a package.

FACT: Upon reception of said package, my sources tell me, Snivellus experienced an explosion that nearly blew his great honking honker off his face. (Which I'm sure was a great disappointment to him as then he could have had St Mungo's replace it with something handsome, well-proportioned, and aesthetically pleasing like my own. But luck for us as Snape's nose lives to endure ridicule another day.)

FACT: Snape did recognize Batbait, AS, I ALLEGE IN THE FULLEST CONFIDENCE, WAS MESSRS. MOONY AND PADFOOT'S INTENT, and the slimy git being too thick to realize I would never be so daft as to send my own owl on a potentially incriminating delivery like that, did set about immediately plotting revenge.

FACT: And so it is that when my owl returned from its destination--I PRESUMED MOONY'S--with no note but a flask of Ogden's Old Firewhisky I assumed the werewolf-formerly-known-as-my-friend was merely wordlessly expressing his thanks for the Which Broomstick (which has an excellent article on acceleration charm deterioration on page 17 if you haven't taken a look yet). However upon imbibing the apparent Firewhisky, I discovered IT WASN'T FIREWHISKY AFTER ALL BUT SOME BLOODY NASTY POTION AND NOW I CAN'T TALK AND IT HAS BEEN THREE HOURS ALREADY AND I CAN'T MAKE A SOUND AT ALL.

REMUS HELP DOES IT HAVE AN ANTIDOTE. WILL IT WEAR OFF?>? HELP HELP CAN'T TALK GOING MAD. SIRIUS YOU DON'T TRY TO HELP YOU'LL PROBABLY GIVE ME SOMETHING TO MAKE MY EARS FALL OFF OR SOMETHING. AND DON'T YOU TALK TO REMUS EITHER OR YOU'LL CONVINCE HIM TO MAKE ME SOMETHING TO MAKE MY EARS FALL OFF. REMUS DON'T TALK TO SIRIUS HELP HELP MUST TALK MADNESS APPROACHING!!

...There may be a silver lining, however. Sent Batbait and the flask of

so-called Firewhisky on to Wormtail's. Tomorrow we'll see if he took a sip as well...

Yours,
Prongs

PS Oh and one word of advice, mates... WATCH YOUR BACKS!!! (alright that was three words but it's an expression isnt it?)