I Only Wanted

A/N : Ok, very angst chapter. Not for the weak of heart, blah, blah, blah. But if you read "Cry", then you should be able to handle this. Just needed to make a note that this chapter is written very differently from my others. Because, I want to get every character's reaction to Katie's attempt, ok? So, bare with me. Also, this is different from the scene that "Cry" revolves around. In "Cry", it happened after the Ravenclaw game. But upon re-reading both "Cry" and PoA, I realized that, after the Ravenclaw match was the incident in which Sirius Black "attacks" Ron. And I want to keep that in for a future chapter. I just love how Percy holds like a press conference, telling everyone that Ron just had a nightmare. *huggles Presidential!Percy* Ok, read on, you awesome people you!

P.S. Character P.O.V changes will be indicated by one *. As opposed to scene changes which are indicated by four *'s. Everyone clear? Ok, now, read!

****

    Christmas came and went, and soon the students were back in school and lessons were starting up again. But Katie had fallen into a deep depression over Christmas. It had been her first Christmas without any signs of some sort of parent figures. And no matter what her parents had said and done to her, it still hurt not having them there. She recoiled from everyone and only went out of her dorm to eat, attend class, and have Quidditch practice.

    She was tutoring Cedric. Those were the only times she was honestly happy. He didn't belittle her or be unappreciative of her. But unlike many members of the female population, she did not harbour any romantic feelings for Cedric.

    She was beginning to let her guard down a lot more, and expressing her depression in sarcastic comments and the like. No one asked her why she was behaving this way. Not even Lee, which caused her a great deal of heartache. Cedric was the only one who had the nerve to ask her.

    "Are you feeling alright, Katie?"

    "No, no I'm not. But who cares right? Let's just get this done so I can go hide in the dorm," Katie said, and she noticed that Cedric was looking at her worriedly, "What?"

    "Your eyes. The light's gone from them," he said slowly, and Katie just arched an eyebrow at him.

    "Come on, Cedric, times ticking," she said, glancing at her watch, "I have to be in Gryffindor Tower by ten o'clock and it's already nine."

    Cedric nodded, but Katie caught him watching her out of the corner of his eye. At quarter of ten, Katie brought the lesson to a halt and congratulated Cedric on his firm grip of the new charm they were studying and left the room. She didn't even turn back at his callings. She would see him later.

    Or not. Not if her plans went the way they were supposed to. Katie had made up her mind, once and for all, that she didn't want to live in this world anymore. No one could help her and no one could save her. So she marched up to Gryffindor Tower as a woman on a mission. She gave the password to Sir Cadogan and walked inside the portrait. The sound of laughter met her ears and she frowned as she ducked and walked through the entrance. She glanced at the group by the fire, from where she guessed the laughter had come from, long enough to see Oliver lean over and kiss Paris. She didn't resist. In fact, she kissed him back. That sealed it.

    Katie set her vision at the stairs and continued on her path. She faintly heard someone call her name, asking her to join them, but she didn't stop walking toward her goal. She walked up to her dormitory, walked in, and slammed the door.

*

    The sound of a slamming door made everyone in the common room jump.

    "Ok, has anyone else noticed Katie's odd behavior?" Lee said, practically wringing his hands.

    "Yeah, she seems angrier than usual," Fred said, and there was no sarcasm in his words.

    He too, looked genuinely worried. Hermione tutted from a seat behind the group. Ron looked at her angrily, not quite over the Scabbers and Firebolt incidents. But Harry was the one to speak.

    "What Hermione?"

    "You boys should be ashamed of yourselves. Girls, you too. Why can't you just ask her what's wrong? Its not as if she's unreachable. But if you wait any longer, she may not talk to any of us," she said frustrated, looking angrily at all of them.

    The group looked at each other and realized that, as always, Hermione was the voice of reason. They all nodded in silent agreement that someone should talk to Katie tomorrow.

*

    Cedric walked back to his common room in a daze. He was exceptionally worried about Katie. She had become very dear to him. Somehow, deep down, he knew something was going on that she wasn't telling him about. It hurt his feelings, but he also knew that Katie liked her privacy and that whatever it was, it was none of his business. Unless, of course, she decided to tell him. He shook his head, and gave the password to the Hufflepuff Common Room guardian, and entered. Still having that uneasy feeling in his gut about Katie, he made his way up to his dorm to work on his charms in private.

*

    Draco sat in the Slytherin Common Room, absently rubbing at his neck. He was lost in thought. He had been watching Katie Bell for months, ever since Marcus had blabbed to the whole House about Katie's parents. He felt like marching right up to her and telling her how lucky she really was. She could have ended up with parents like his. That thought made him shudder. He pressed too hard on a spot on his neck and it made him hiss in pain.

    "What's wrong, Draco?" Goyle asked stupidly.

    "Nothing. Mind your own business."

    Goyle looked down, looking ashamed. Draco allowed himself a smirk at that. Crabbe looked at Draco from the chair beside him.

    "What are you thinking about, Draco?"

    Draco stood up and stormed off towards the dormitories. If anyone knew he was thinking about Katie Bell, fifth year Gryffindor, he'd be martyred.

    "More like bludgeoned to shit by big, fucking rocks," he muttered to himself as he slammed the dorm door closed.

*

    Katie walked over to her bed and picked up her Mikey Bear.

    "This isn't about you, its about me. You're the only thing I wish I could take with me," she said, giving the bear a tight hug before tucking it under the turndown of her comforter.

    She walked over to her dresser and pulled out the shard of glass and walked into the bathroom, wand in hand. She shut and locked the door manually, before turning on it with her wand. She put a complicated locking charm on it and a silencing charm. She then pocketed her wand and slid down against the cool stone wall closest to her.

    She started to think and she immediately regretted the idea. She rolled up her sweater sleeves and studied her scars. Every one with a vivid memory attached. These hideous marks were the reason Katie couldn't wear short sleeves in the summer time, and would never ever roll up her sweater sleeves in public. And oh, how she longed too. She couldn't remember the last time she felt truly normal. She found herself humming the tune to a song from a muggle play called, "RENT".

    "Why am I the witness? And when I capture it on film, will it mean that it’s the end, and I'm alone?" she sang softly to herself.

    She felt the first tear fall onto her cheek, followed by streams of others. She brushed them away furiously and reached for her piece of glass. Steadying her hand, she took a deep breath as she made the first cut. Then a second. And a third. Before moving to her other hand, where she proceeded to mutilate her skin. Strangely, she felt no pain. She continued to cut until her arms were invisible under the crimson of pooling blood. She chucked the glass across the room with her last ounce of strength and felt her head become fuzzy and her vision blurred. After a few more moments, her head became extremely light and she felt her body give in and topple down to her left. She saw one last blur of color before her head hit the tile and she blacked out completely.

*

    Angelina yawned and looked around at the group. "Well, guys, I'm beat. I think I'm going to head up to bed now. I'll check on Katie on the way. Make sure she's sleeping," she said standing and walking up the stairs.

    Once there, she opened the door and looked towards Katie's bed. There seemed to be no sign of Katie, just that bear she always had. Her eyes then wandered to the bathroom door. It was closed. She sighed, walking over to the door. Katie had locked herself in there before, so this was uncommon.

    She banged on the door a few times. "Katie! Open up. Come on, I know you're in there!"

    She took out her wand and began spewing out every anti-locking charm she could think of. When nothing seemed to be working, Angelina began to get worried. She walked back out of the dormitory and up to the seventh floor. Percy had gone up earlier and since his door had a big sign that said "Head Boy" on it, it wasn't hard to miss. Percy would know the charm, she was sure of it. She rapped on the door a few times, before Percy opened the door, clad in his pajamas.

    "What do you need, Angelina?"

    "Katie locked herself in the bathroom and I can't think of the right charm to unlock it. I figured you would know it."

    Percy motioned for her to wait a moment and appeared a moment later in his robe, wand in hand. He followed her wordlessly down the stairs, trying hard to think of the charm Katie would have used. It came to him somewhat easily, so when he reached the door he muttered the charm and they heard the door shutter.

    "She must have locked it the regular way too. Alohamora," Percy said and they heard the lock click.

    Angelina smiled at him as she turned the knob. "You're a life saver."

    Angelina looked to the right and then to the left. When she did, she left out an ear piercing scream, which made Percy rush to her side. The sight before him caused him to go green with nausea.

*

    In the common room, everybody jumped up at the scream.

    "That was Ang," Fred said as he ran toward the staircase.

    George, Lee, Alicia, Oliver and Paris followed. On the way, the met up with Harry, Ron, and eventually Hermione, opening their dormitory doors to find the source of the scream. They followed the blur that passed them and made their way up to the fifth floor girl's dorm.

*

    Percy collapsed into a heap on the other side of the bathroom as Angelina walked over to Katie.

    "Katie? Kate?" she said through sniffles, "Kate, please wake up honey," she said, tears freely streaming now, she reached down to check for a pulse, but at the sight of the blood, pulled back.

    She, instead, lowered her hands to Katie's neck, and started to feel around for a pulse. She laughed through her tears at finding a weak pulse.

    "She's still with us, Percy," she said, hearing what sounded like a heard of cattle enter the room.

*

    The group of nine ran over to the open bathroom door. Oliver, Lee, and Fred heading the charge. None of them prepared for the sight they were about to see. Oliver was the first to reach the open doorway. He took in Percy, looking like death warmed over and then his eyes scanned to the left.

    "Oh my God," he said, going pale himself.

*

    Angelina looked up at him and then back down at Katie. "Come on Kate, wake up, please," she said pleadingly.

    Oliver looked at her disbelievingly. "We have to get her to the Hospital Wing, Ang. Come on," he said walking over and carefully scooping Katie up off the floor.

    Angelina looked mournfully at the pool of blood before following Oliver. Lee and Fred followed her, while George and Ron went in to check on Percy.

    "Percy, you alright?" Ron said trying to catch his brother's wavering gaze.

    "I just- Why did she- How could she-" he said, not being able to finish his sentences as he dissolved into tears.

    His brothers pulled him into a group hug and tried to calm him down. Harry, Hermione, Alicia, and Paris could only watch, still in shock of seeing Katie's limp, bloody body.

*

    Oliver practically ran to the Hospital Wing, Lee, Angelina, and Fred struggling to keep up. When they finally reached the doors, Fred ran ahead of Oliver and opened the doors wide for him, while Angelina and Lee sought out Madam Pomfrey. She appeared a moment later, gasping at the sight before her.

    "Bring her here, Mr. Wood," she said motioning to a bed nearby.

    Fred, Lee, and Angelina gathered around behind Oliver and watched as Madam Pomfrey went to work on Katie.

    "Why is it always girls like her?" Fred said to himself.

    Angelina placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, not taking her eyes off Katie. "We just didn't pay enough attention," she said sadly.

    Madam Pomfrey shook her head sadly once she had cleaned the blood away clotted the flow of the new blood that was coming to the surface. "This, my dears, is an extremely tortured soul," she said, raising one of Katie's arms for them to see.

    They flinched at the sight and Angelina let out a sob.

*

    After getting Percy to his feet, George turned to Alicia and Harry.

    "Wait for me, and we'll go up to the Hospital Wing, alright? As her teammates, we obligated to be there," he said and Harry and Alicia nodded.

    George and Ron left with Percy supported between them. Alicia looked over to Katie's bed to see Mikey tucked in there.

    "She loves this bear. Where did she get it?" she said turning to the other three people in the room.

    Hermione and Paris shrugged.

    "She got it from Cedric. A Christmas present. She helped him get an A on a test, so he gave it to her. I never saw her without over Christmas break," Harry said, smiling sadly.

    Alicia smiled looking down at the bear. "Then she'll want it there when she wakes up. I'll take it with us to the Hospital Wing."

    George came back a short while later and motioned for Harry and Alicia to follow him.

    "Ron, Hermione, Paris. Get some rest. We can all go see her tomorrow," George said as Ron started to protest.

    He backed down and they left the room. Paris walking up to the seventh floor, and Ron and Hermione following George, Harry, and Alicia down to the third and disappearing into their appropriate dorms. George, Harry, and Alicia walked quietly up to the Hospital Wing. When they reached the door, they could hear controlled shouting inside. She saw Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore standing in the center of the room. McGonagall looking very stern.

    "How could this have gone on this long without us knowing, Albus?" she said angrily, "Who knows what else we've missed."

    "Minerva, calm yourself. Miss. Bell will be just fine."

    "Physically, Albus. But I think we've lost her mentally," she said casting a look to where Katie lay, watching as George, Alicia, and Harry joined Katie's vigil of sorts around her bedside.