I Loved You More

Chapter #22

Ready to Fly

The sun had long been in the sky when Lily left the dormitory the next day.

She had gotten up late to go to breakfast because she knew James usually ate early...No, it had just happened that way, Lily started to tell herself. Then she shook these thoughts from her head. She had to stop lying to herself, stop hiding from her own feelings. She was going to be honest, even inside her own mind. Especially there.

Lily had indeed stayed in bed longer on purpose. The purpose was James. Although she didn't want to avoid him.

Then again, she didn't want to face him either.

Lily padded down the winding staircase and emerged in the common room. She crossed the room purposefully, pretending not to notice any of the chattering students sprawled about. She had pushed the portrait open and was almost safely outside when she heard her name.

"Evans! Hold it, would you?"

Lily quickly looked over her shoulder, glad to recognize the voice as Sirius's and not...someone else's.

Honesty, Lily rebuked herself. Had it really grown so difficult for her? She sighed wearily.

"Well, if it's so much trouble you can close the thing on my face if you'd like," he said, bending to enter the passage.

Lily grinned. "I wasn't sighing because of that...But that does sound appealing." She hopped out and waited for him to follow.

"So why are you so disgruntled then?" asked Sirius as they began strolling down the corridor.

"Oh..." Lily wondered what she should say. "As though you really care."

"Hey, I'll have you know I'm a very caring person," said Sirius with a defensive air. "There's nothing I'd love more than to shoulder all your troubles, Evans. Lay 'em on me."

Lily peered at him closely as she chuckled. Was he serious underneath all his joking? How could he understand the sudden fear she had of facing James? She had never thought of Sirius as a confidante. In fact, she had never really thought much about him at all. He was simply a constant in her life, always mocking, laughing, making each situation lighter. She had always taken it for granted that there was nothing else to understand about him but now she got the feeling there was much more.

"I don't know..." she said casually.

"Come on, Ev. Tell old Padfoot everything." He threw her a flashing grin.

Lily looked at him. She was surprised at herself for even considering it but she had an inexplicable urge to trust him. After all, he was James's best friend.

"Well, I have a problem..." Lily hesitated, "...with this friend of mine. Actually, we're not friends. At all. But I owe this person quite a lot and I just can't get around to talking to him. Every time I even look at him I -"

"Oh, Evans," Sirius scowled. "Please. You've got a 'friend' but you're really not friends at all? Just go on and say James and tell me what the hell you're on about."

Lily glared at him from the corner of her eyes.

"What? Did you underestimate my intelligence?" He raised his eyebrows, achieving a thoroughly insulted look.

"Well, you made that easy enough," Lily retorted. "Fine. But...this is really no big deal to me, okay? I'm not stressing out about it or anything. It just happened to cross my mind."

"Mmm...all right, then," he said slowly, tilting his head to the side. "James has been stressed about it. Did you know that?"

"What? No..." Lily hadn't been expecting this. "Uh, what exactly is he stressed about?" she asked, careful to make her voice sound indifferent.

"I don't know...whatever it is that's going on between you two. I can't keep track."

"How do you know, then?" pushed Lily.

"James is my best mate. He can't hide anything from me," said Sirius simply. "He didn't say anything but he was really bothered about that stupid thing you had with Pritchard."

Lily shook her head, a slight twinge of disappointment tugging at her. Sirius wasn't saying anything she hadn't already understood. "He was just feeling threatened. He should stop thinking of me as his personal property," she said in annoyance.

"No, that's not it, Evans," countered Sirius, shaking his head adamantly. "Sure, he fancies you and wasn't exactly thrilled to see you with another guy. But he's used to being rejected by you. No...I reckon he knew you were being used. He didn't he act up like that with Remus, did he?"

"Because he's James's friend..."

"No," Sirius said firmly again. "Something has been off with you...ever since Pritchard. I suppose he was worried."

Lily looked down at her feet, letting the words soak into her. Sirius was speaking with such a rare sincerity. Was she really hearing him say all this? She wasn't sure how to respond. Again, she chose defense. She had to hurl out anything that proved James was wrong. It had become second nature to her, after spewing it out so much in the past.

"I never would have met Clive if I hadn't caught James pummeling him silly...and for no reason!" she said, still staring at her feet. She had to take long strides to keep up with Sirius.

When he didn't answer, she looked up, expecting him to become defensive in return and boast about how amusing James's antics were. Instead he looked irritably impatient.

"What?" asked Lily with exasperation.

"Don't you get it?" Sirius growled in frustration. "Evans, James was defending you!"

"Oh, come on, Sirius. What would he have been defending me for?" sneered Lily.

"From those grimy Slytherins! They were being the disgusting creeps they are, talking about you like some loose slag," explained Sirius grimly.

Lily gaped, confused. She didn't want to believe it. How could she have been so wrong?

That horrible, dragging feeling that had been residing in her stomach was rapidly spreading itself through her like a plague, rooting itself into her heart. The look on James's face after she had yelled at him for hitting Clive flashed before her eyes, alternating with the sight of him being choked by the strangling curse. It was disconcerting.

Sirius eyed her as she gazed into space, seeing those images. She seemed lost.

"Evans?"

She blinked, slowly coming to focus on the present.

Lily stared into Sirius's earnest face.

Underneath all her overwhelming misconceptions, she realized that she was right about one thing: Sirius was more than the teasing, flamboyant boy that he seemed, smoothly reciting jokes for his adoring crowd.

Lily felt as though she were floating somewhere above, looking down at herself as she listened to Sirius. From the higher angle, her usual, secured way of looking became bolder. Sirius's arrogance and selfishness...the things that had earned him so much resentment from Lily and so much admiration from everyone else were still there but different things were now visible as well. Now she saw that Sirius was admired for the wrong qualities. He was intuitive, more aware of certain feelings in people than they themselves knew of. There was also the strongest, most powerful loyalty in him that Lily had ever seen.

And now she could see that she had always missed part of him...ignored it. These things had always been in Sirius for her to see, all those times she had spent with him throughout her entire life at Hogwarts. She had just never bothered to look.

Lily wondered...Who else had she been missing?

"Please just talk to him," said Sirius quietly. "James doesn't deserve to be ignored anymore."

Lily nodded vaguely, feeling her floating self and her stationary self merge together. "Where is he?"

* * *

Lily hurried along the sloping path, slipping on sporadic patches of ice every few steps. She kept her eyes cast upward to the sky which contrasted radically with the dreary grey grounds with its vibrant, endless blue.

James swooped into view from behind the towering seats of the Quidditch stadium. He flew straight into the sky at full speed, sunlight gleaming on his wild hair. Lily paused, watching him closely. He soared deep into the air, flipped backwards and dropped back down. He let out a long whooping yell, gaining speed recklessly as he fell back out of sight.

Lily resumed her journey to the pitch, her anxiety subsiding. She quietly crept into the pitch and moved to sit at a low seat in the stadium. James was looping and twisting with the breeze, diving up and around, and shouting with excitement. She watched him silently, not wanting to interrupt his joyful solitude.

He zoomed over the pitch, oblivious to Lily, and flung sideways suddenly to evade a goalpost. His broomstick tilted, causing his legs to slide off completely but he swung back around gracefully. James turned around to head back to the other side of the pitch but as he pushed a hand through his hand, he slammed right into the pole of the goalpost.

Lily couldn't suppress her laughter. James, still recovering from the shock of his collision, snapped his head in the direction of the noise.

"Evans!" he cried in surprise. He leaned forward to sail down to where Lily sat. "What are you doing here?"

Lily's eyes followed him as he moved closer. His eyes held that look he always got when he flew; bright with energy and vitality. His cheeks were flushed, his shining black hair as uncontrollable as ever. However, the bruises that still smeared his throat drew most of her attention.

"I don't know...felt like getting some fresh air," Lily replied.

"You've been watching me," he said, his lips curving into a smirk as he hopped off his broom and stood in front of her. "Admit it, Evans."

Lily shrugged, smiling absently.

James squinted at her in suspicion. "...What?"

"Nothing," said Lily lightly.

He shot her a mystified look. "Er...Do you want to join me?" he asked uncertainly, spinning his broomstick around his wrist.

Lily stared at the twirling broom. This weight that had attached itself to her heard was much too heavy. She could never fly with it.

"No, I'll just watch. It's okay," she said softly.

"You'll watch?" repeated James blankly.

"Yes, I'll watch. Go ahead," said Lily firmly.

One of James's eyebrows shot up. "Evans?"

"Yes?"

"What is wrong with you?" asked James in a bewildered, somewhat urgent tone.

"Why? What's wrong with watching?" snarled Lily.

"Nothing. But flying is just a million times better," countered James.

"Not all the time. I just don't feel like it right now, okay? You can keep flying."

"That's all right. I think I feel like watching with you." James dropped his broom and sat down next to her, crossing his long legs.

"What?" Lily furrowed her brow. "There's nothing to watch if you're not flying, Potter."

James shrugged as though he couldn't be bothered with such trivialities. "We'll watch the sky then."

Lily smiled and he leaned back in his seat, gazing upward. He tapped his fingers in a rhythm on the armrest and his knee bounced slightly. He seemed so restless, unable to be content with simply watching. He wanted to be in the sky.

With his chin pointed up, Lily had full view of the horrible blue blemishes that marred his pale skin. They continued to leer at her. The sense of dragging made her chest feel like lead, and she heaved a long weary sigh for breath. James glanced at her.

"Still watching me, eh?" he said, a spark of light glimmering in his eyes.

Lily wanted to let out a sarcastic laugh in response but all she could do was sigh again. There was a small silence between them before she cleared her throat. "Do you want to go for a walk?"

"Sure," replied James, springing up. Lily lifted herself out of her seat and they headed for the exit of the pitch. Without thinking, Lily steered them toward the lake where the ice now floated in chunks on its surface.

She forced herself to speak up.

"So, Potter," began Lily resignedly. "I've got a few things to say to you." She glimpsed sideways at James, who seemed placid.

"Go on, Evans."

"Well, first...Remember that day of our last detention? When you skived off and played that prank on Snape?" she asked, trying to remain conversational.

James smirked at the memory and nodded.

"Yeah...then I'm sure you remember quite well what happened afterward," she pushed on, still eyeing him vigilantly. His face didn't move but his eyes clouded over darkly. "Why didn't you tell me you actually had a reason to hit Clive and Rab?"

"You mean those sick things they were saying about you?" said James flatly, staring out at the lake. "Why didn't I tell you? Evans, I could have told you that Pritchard was Voldemort himself and you wouldn't have paid any mind."

"That's not true!" snapped Lily angrily. "You should have told me what really happened. I would have listened!"

"You didn't listen when I told you later that Pritchard was a creep, did you?" James turned his head to look at her straight on.

"No...but only because you were so arrogant about the whole thing! If you had been just a little more mature I would have listened!"

"My arse, you would have!" exclaimed James. "Even your best friend was telling you to stay away from him!"

Lily groaned in aggravation. "Fine! I wouldn't have listened, all right?" she barked. "But that's beside the point! The point is that I'm sorrrrr-"

Midway through Lily's apology turned into a screech as she her foot slipped on the icy bank, having been too irritated to pay heed to where she was stepping. Her legs flew out from under her and her arms flailed wildly.

"Evans!" Somehow, Lily felt her arms fall into James's grasp before she could hit the crusty snow. He laughed noisily as he straightened her up. Lily slapped him away impatiently, jumping away from the perilous ice.

"The point is...I'm SORRY!" she yelled crossly over his laughter. "Potter! Listen!"

James simply doubled over, cackling uproariously.

"Did you hear me?! Potter! I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry! Okay?! Sorry...Stop laughing!"

James continued and Lily's angry voice cracked as laughter broke through her tone.

"Okay...All done," James said, taking a deep breath and pretending to be solemn. "Wow, Evans. That was, by far, the smoothest apology I've ever heard. Is that all you had to say?"

"Actually...no. One more thing," she said, as they continued on their way along the lake. She inhaled slowly. "Rab's curse could have killed you. It almost did. You shouldn't have stepped in front of it."

"Who said I did it on purpose?" inquired James quickly, taking Lily aback.

"Well, no one but I just assumed...I dunno..." Lily drifted off apprehensively. "You didn't?"

"Yeah, I did," said James indifferently. "But you should really be more careful. You might sound arrogant."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You're a git."

"Fine way to treat your savior," remarked James.

"Oh, you're my savior now?" Lily said wryly. "Don't forget...You would have snuffed it if I hadn't gone for Dumbledore."

"Ah, you were just saving your own conscious, Evans."

"How could you say that?!" burst Lily indignantly. "I wasn't going to let you die!"

Then she shoved him in the arm when she saw him laughing. He looked at her from the corner of his eyes, tousling his hair with his hand. "I know. I saw how frightened you were...You really do love me, huh?"

"I wasn't that scared, Potter. Anyone would have been frightened!" Lily gestured defensively. "You don't watch someone almost choke to death everyday. It's not exactly pleasant!"

James suddenly snatched her wrist to stop her frantic waving. Lily lifted her head in surprise and was immediately surrounded by his eyes, caught inside the swirl of glinting green and gold. Distantly, she felt James's hand slip up her arm, squeezing her to his side.

He tilted his head forward slightly as a spark of mischief flashed in his eyes. "No, you just love me."

* * *

By the time Lily and James returned to the castle, the sun was approaching the horizon, ready to tuck itself in behind the mountains. They had talked senselessly by the lake for hours before the rumbling of Lily's stomach grew too ferocious to ignore. She hadn't eaten anything all day, having missed breakfast and lunch, so the two hiked up to the school and stepped into the warmth and light of the Great Hall.

They took no notice of all the heads that turned as they ate their dinner together. Neither of them cared. Lily and James were still busy talking when they stood up to leave.

"Hang on for a second," Lily told James as they passed the Slytherin table. She walked away from him, in the direction of where Clive sat. She wasn't sure what she was going to say, she just knew what she had to do.

When she was standing over him, she tapped his shoulder. He turned around lazily.

"Lily Evans...Back for more?" he drawled.

"Come here. I need to talk to you." Lily waved her hand for him to move away from the table and the eavesdropping ears of the Slytherins.

He looked at her hand with his eyebrows raised airily.

"Fine, we'll talk right here," said Lily. She clenched her lips together for a moment before speaking. "We can't do this anymore."

Clive simply stared at her, apparently undaunted.

"So...we're all done," added Lily.

He stood up suddenly, facing her directly. "Done what?" His hands snuck around her waist.

Lily grabbed them and shoved them forcefully back at him. "Done this!"

She began to turn away when Clive snatched her arm. Swiftly, he whipped her back and replaced his hands.

"You might think that," he said quietly, his dark eyes looking down at her smugly. "But when I want something, I get it, Lily Evans."

Lily ripped herself away from Clive and pushed him as hard she could. He was thrown back onto the table into the plates of food. Clive gawked up at her. It was the most emotion she had ever seen on his face.

"Too bad for you, I'm not 'something'," she said loudly. "Goodbye." Lily spun on her heel and strode away.

James wordlessly joined her quick gait and they walked straight out of the Great Hall, without a single glance back. When the doors closed behind them, Lily took one look at James and they both broke into a fit of laughter.

"Did you see his face?" squealed Lily. She jumped up and down, dancing with the excitement of her triumph. She was so light and free.

James nodded, his eyes following her. "That was brilliant!" His smile was bright and vigorous but as he watched her, a quiet warmth filled his eyes.

"You know what?" said Lily, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "I would love to fly now! Come on!"

She clapped her hand around his arm and dashed toward the doors. She threw them open with a shrieking laugh, spilling light into the darkness, and yanked James out after her. Her legs stretched longer with each stride as she pulled him along toward the Quidditch pitch.

"What's the matter, Potter? Can't keep up?" she mocked giddily.

James laughed and immediately sped up so that they were running at the same pace. He caught up her hand. They went faster. The wind snapped around their bodies and hummed in their ears. Lily was sure it would lift them right off the ground and into the swirling blackness of the night.

If it did, she and James would fly with it. She was no longer afraid.