I Loved You More

Chapter #8

A Loss and a Deal

Christmas came and went without anything remotely interesting occurring. Lily celebrated it quietly at home with her family as planned. She enjoyed the time she had to spend with her parents but being near Petunia proved to be very unpleasant as usual.

Lily had gone home with a firm resolution to be as kind to her sister as possible, hoping she might respond to compassion.

When Lily entered the house, Petunia had been sitting at the kitchen table casually reading a magazine.

"Hello Petunia! How are you? You look lovely today! That hairstyle is very becoming," Lily had exclaimed brightly.

Petunia didn't show the faintest indication that she had noticed Lily come into the room or that she had heard her well-meant compliments, but continued to flip through the pages of the magazine.

"Petunia Evans! Your sister is speaking to you! You haven't seen her in four months!" her mother rebuked severely, evidently shocked at her older daughter's behavior.

Petunia looked up slowly and without the slightest change in expression said, "Hello, I was fine, thank you."

The way she spoke the normally polite words was so cold that she might as well have stated that she wished Lily was dead and it would have given the same impression. Then she stood, picked up the magazine and walked out of the room.

Lily's mother watched her leave, appearing to be speechless with horror. Lily dropped into a chair.

Petunia's actions were like the final verification of a fact that had been long denied. She had truly lost her sister. This knowledge had made itself so obvious in that moment that Lily felt as though she had suddenly been struck in the face. It stung painfully.

"Oh, Lil, I'm so sorry," her mother sighed comfortingly as she sat down next to Lily and took her hand. "I would never have believed Petunia could be so rude. Don't worry, lovey. I'll talk to her and she'll come around and apologize."

Later that night, Petunia did apologize after a stern talk with her angry mother but she spoke to Lily as coldly as before that it didn't matter in the least. Lily realized with a sickening pang that Petunia would never be sorry. This wasn't the ordinary sibling rivalry quarrel. Nothing would change as long as she remained a witch. Lily simply nodded after Petunia had finished and went quietly to her room. Even if Petunia hadn't been the greatest sister to her, she still needed time process the loss.

Throughout the rest of the holiday, Lily bonded with her mother and father, going about cheerfully, not outwardly acknowledging the fact that she and Petunia had finally broken the final thin strand of connection between them, but acted as though she wasn't bothered by it at all. When Lily and Petunia had to speak to each other, they were unbearably polite and their brief words never contained a single glimmer of warmth.

After a week had passed, Lily was in her room immersed in a wizard novel when a brown tawny owl swept through her open window and landed clumsily on her bed, startling her. She went over to the bed and detached the rolled letter that was tied to the strange bird. She tossed one of Mel's owl treats to it and the owl snapped it up and flew back out the window.

Lily flattened the letter and read the neat, round writing.

Dear Lily,

How is your holiday going? Mine is quite good. I got an antique chess set for Christmas from my parents. James and Sirius were over yesterday and they had a very intense chess match that lasted for over two hours. We still don't know who actually won.

Is this upcoming Wednesday a good day for you to have lunch? If it is, just Floo over around noon by saying 'the Lupin flat.' Then we can walk into town and eat at the café. Send an owl with your response when this reaches you.

Hopefully I'll see you soon then.

Love,

Remus

Lily folded up the letter with a small smile on her face. Then she left the room and found her parents to ask for their permission to go to lunch with Remus.

They allowed her to go so on Wednesday, Lily, dressed in casual muggle clothes, stepped into the green flames of the living room fireplace after scattering a handful of Floo Powder on them and said, "the Lupin flat!" as clearly as possible. Her fireplace had been connected to the Floo Network before she had left for Hogwarts in her first year when she had to buy her school supplies in Diagon Alley.

Lily was then put through the familiar yet rather distasteful sensation of whirling around amid the blurred emerald flames before falling awkwardly out of a large brick fireplace. She steadied herself, brushing the grey ashes off her clothes, and looked around at what was apparently the Lupin kitchen.

It was a very cramped room, plainly furnished with a little round table decked with a tartan tablecloth, a stove, some mismatched cabinets, and an old icebox. Some bright green potted plants sat on the windowsill soaking in the winter sunlight and various dried herbs hung from the banisters on the ceiling. It was very tidy despite its weathered appearance and just as Lily had finished taking in her quaint surroundings, a tall thin woman entered, carrying a basket of vegetables in her arms.

She had light brown hair with occasional grays streaking through it tied up messily at the back of her head and a round pale face with a few faint wrinkles around her thoughtful blue eyes and thin mouth. She wore very faded old jeans, smudged with dirt and a baggy plaid collared shirt with the long sleeves rolled up to her elbows.

When she saw Lily, her face brightened into a warm, welcoming smile which Lily willingly returned.

"Oh, hello! You must be Lily. I'm Mrs. Lupin. Have you been waiting long? I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I've been out in the garden," she explained, nodding toward the vegetable-filled basket.

She put it down on the table and wiped her hands on her jeans as she looked at Lily approvingly.

"Remus is right. You are very beautiful...and your hair is gorgeous! I've always admired red hair," Mrs. Lupin said kindly.

Lily definitely liked Remus' mother.

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Lupin. Yes, I am Lily. It's very nice to meet you," Lily smiled sincerely.

"Remus is upstairs. I'll go get him. You can just wait in there, sweetie. Make yourself comfortable," Mrs. Lupin pointed to a doorway leading to another room off the side of the kitchen before dashing away.

Lily walked slowly through the doorway into a small sitting room. On a round red rug in the center of the room was a well-worn couch, heaped with embroidered pillows and an old fashioned armchair facing a stone fireplace. The mantle was crowned with an assortment of framed wizarding photos. Interested, Lily stepped closer.

The biggest one appeared to be a family portrait. In it, Remus, looking about twelve years old, stood behind Mrs. Lupin who was seated next to a haggard middle-aged man with deep brown eyes and grey hair; probably Remus' father. Behind him stood a tall, broad shouldered young man with his arm protectively around Remus. He had curly, sand colored hair and dark eyes, squinted into a smile that took over his entire face. Lily peered curiously at him. She assumed that he was Remus' brother though she couldn't recall him talking about any siblings. The family smiled and waved brightly at her.

Lily's eyes traveled to the other pictures that stood next to the portrait. Most of them were of Remus at different stages in his life with different people. Her focus drifted to one of the four Marauders standing in front of an apple tree that looked as though it had been taken quite recently. Peter was munching intently on an apple, Sirius leaned against the tree trunk, casually pointing his wand at Peter's apple and looking suspiciously like her was putting some sort of hex on it. Remus stood next to him, eyeing Sirius' mischievous scheme with an amused expression on his face, his arms folded across his chest. James was sitting on a thick branch of the tree above them, smiling cheerfully, his lanky legs swinging lazily.

As she watched the moving photo, she suddenly became aware that she was smiling. Lily shook her head, wondering what was wrong with her, and frowned resolutely at James who continued to grin broadly from his tree branch.

Seeing his face gave her an odd feeling...like she wasn't supposed to be there, standing in Remus' living room. She couldn't quite interpret this feeling. Was it guilt? Was it shame? Whatever it was she didn't like it and she wasn't prepared for it and it frustrated her beyond measure. Why was this simple picture affecting her so much?

Lily turned away from the photo, trying to assure herself of her own sanity by fixing a disgusted look on her face as though she couldn't stand to look at it any longer. After all, the only person in the frame that she even liked was Remus...she absolutely hated the other three. Yes, she hated them. That is why seeing them gave her such a horrible feeling...though she had only felt it when she saw James. Why was everything so hard to figure out?

Remus and Mrs. Lupin walked in, interrupting these uncertain thoughts that she was so unwillingly thinking.

"It was nice meeting you, Lily," said Mrs. Lupin, beaming. "I better go out and finish with the garden. You two have fun!"

Upon saying this, she turned and hurried back into the kitchen. Lily looked at Remus who was grinning nervously.

"Hello, Lily."

"Hi."

A pause.

"Well, do you want to start walking? It's about a mile into town," he said.

"Yeah, let's go," Lily replied and followed him into the hall and out the front door.

Outside, the pale blue sky stretched from horizon to horizon and the icy snow that was frozen to the ground and the roofs of the houses was glistening with tiny jewels of water that had sprung from the heat of the sunlight. As it was a fairly warm day for January, people were out walking or jogging in the quiet neighborly street and children were playing in the snowy yards.

Remus and Lily walked down the long path that connected the Lupin doorstep to the street. They turned the corner and began their journey to the main part of town. As they walked, there was an awkward silence between them, punctured intermittently by a few attempts by both of them to begin a conversation. The attempts weren't successful, despite the great effort from each side. For some reason they just couldn't keep a dialogue flowing. It was a painful experience, in Lily's opinion.

Eventually, the houses began to get closer together, more and more cars whizzed by, and they took a left onto Main Street where their destination resided. They were both relieved that their walk was over and Lily hoped that lunch would be a little more bearable.

Remus opened the door of the muggle café and motioned for Lily to enter. Inside, there were several booths and dark wooden tables with leather-bound chairs assembled around them, only about four of which were occupied. The room was dimly lit with stain glass lamps hanging over each table and the walls were painted with a deep shade of red.

A plump rosy hostess showed them to a small table next to the curtained window and Remus and Lily sat down opposite to each other, glancing uneasily around the room. They both studied the menu and a young waiter took their orders. Then they relapsed into another silence. Lily really didn't want it to continue so she racked her brain for something, anything, they could talk about.

"So, your mother gardens in the winter?" she asked uncertainly.

It was kind of pathetic but she didn't think things could get much worse and she had been wondering about it.

Remus chuckled slightly at her confused expression.

"She charmed the garden to make it live year-round. I suppose you've never heard of that, your parents being muggles. Most wizard families' gardens are charmed."

"Oh," Lily said lamely, and found herself back in the same position of a minute ago.

Frantically, she tried to think of something they could discuss that would hopefully run a longer course. The photos in Remus' living room popped into her mind.

"I was looking at your family portrait earlier and I noticed a guy in there next to you," she said. "Is he your brother?"

"Yes," replied Remus simply, and looked out the window.

At this short answer, Lily wondered if he even wanted to talk. Why was he making her do all the work?

"I didn't know you had a brother. What's his name?" she pressed.

"Greg."

Remus looked down at the shiny table.

"So..." Lily drawled, getting annoyed and frustrated with Remus' lack of words and effort. "Why haven't you mentioned him before?"

"I dunno," Remus said quietly and it appeared as though he was through with the subject.

Lily was beginning to get angry and was about to decide to give up trying to get him to talk when he gave a deep, resigned sigh and looked up at her solemnly. "He was killed three years ago. He and his friend were attacked by dark wizards while they were walking home from a party."

Lily gasped in mixed shock and sympathy and felt thoroughly horrified with herself. She had practically forced him to tell her this! How could she be so insensitive?

"Remus! I'm so sorry! I didn't know-"

"Lily," he stopped her calmly. "Really, it's okay. You should know anyway. I was gonna tell you sometime."

Lily stared at him, at loss of what to say.

"Were you...were you very close with...him?" she asked after a pause.

"Yeah, I was...though we were nine years apart," Remus said, fiddling with his napkin.

Lily waited for him to continue. She had an instinctive feeling that he had a lot more to say. Remus took a deep breath.

"He was one of those people who have a personality that can't help but attract everybody...he had loads of friends, was really friendly, clever and he was so funny...could always make me crack up," Remus laughed softly in reminiscence.

"One time when Mum and Dad dragged us to a Minister Election meeting, he kept on muttering crazy things in my ear about the candidates who were making speeches," Remus said, smiling at the memory. "He mimicked this one poor lady's entire speech but made a few...adjustments. I managed to keep myself from laughing out loud until she pounded her fist on the podium and said, 'I, Marsha Kibbet, have the ideas and potential that are necessary to improve this community!' Greg, he whispered to me, 'I, Marsha Kibbet have a mole that is monstrous enough to smother this community!' Oh, I tried to hold it in but I'd been doing that so long that I just burst and started laughing hysterically! Right in the middle of the meeting! Everyone stared at me and thought I'd gone mad! But, blimey, her mole was enormous!"

Remus was shaking with laughter but Lily saw two tears slide down his cheeks. Lily placed a hand over his to let him know it was alright. She remained quiet for she knew he still wasn't finished. She wasn't mistaken. After a moment, he went on.

"Greg had everything going for him. He had just finished his Healer training- at the top of his class- and he was going to start working at St. Mungo's that fall. He was even engaged! I was the only one he told about that because he took me shopping for the ring. He was going to tell my parents but...then..." he trailed off.

Lily squeezed his hand gently.

"It's okay, Remus. I know," she whispered soothingly.

He nodded and bent his head.

"James reminds me so much of him, you know," Remus said softly. "Their personalities are just about identical. They got along great when James visited."

Lily's hand twitched in his clasp at this unexpected statement.

"Surely he wasn't quite as bigheaded as Potter?" she asked, looking repulsed.

Remus smiled up at her and appeared amused at her response.

"You might be surprised...James isn't as conceited as you might think. He always acts...different around you," he said.

At that moment, the waiter returned to the table with their meals. They ate quietly for a few minutes before Remus smiled at her and cleared his throat.

"What about you? You have a sister, right? I don't hear you talking about her much."

"Yes, Petunia," Lily sighed. "There's not much to sat about her except, well, she's not my sister anymore."

She laughed sadly.

"Anymore? Why not?" Remus asked looking puzzled.

"Of course she's still my blood relative and everything but she...refuses to accept the fact that I'm a witch. She hates me because of it," Lily explained bitterly.

An expression of grim understanding came over Remus' concerned face. He knew all too well what that felt like.

"There's so much bloody prejudice in this world! Why do people get the idea that anything different from them is wrong?!" he said in a sudden spurt of anger, a reaction that surprised Lily slightly. "You're better off without her."

"I suppose so," agreed Lily reluctantly.

"My, what a cheery lunch this is!" exclaimed Remus after another quiet interval.

Lily laughed.

"Yes, it is," said Lily. "Has anything happened to you lately that's a little more cheerful? We need to change the direction of this conversation to something brighter, I think."

"Hmm..." Remus reflected. "Prongs was over yesterday and we rather deep in discussion while we were walking out of my room. I suppose it was too deep for Prongs because when we came to the stairs, he missed the first step and fell all the way down."

Lily rocked with laughter at this little tale. As she had spent more time together with Remus, she had discovered that he was very good at telling stories.

"Yes, I thought you would like that," Remus grinned.

"Was he okay?" Lily asked off-handedly after she had recovered. Lily was not coldhearted whatsoever and even if it was James Potter falling down the stairs she couldn't laugh at it and not inquire about his wellbeing.

"He broke his ankle but you wouldn't have been able to tell by the way he just sat up and continued with our discussion! It was nothing my mum couldn't fix. That's just Prongs for you."

"Prongs," said Lily thoughtfully after another giggle fit. "Why do you guys have those nicknames for each other? You just started using them this year, didn't you? James is Prongs, Sirius is Padfoot, Peter is...Wormtail...and you're Moony, right? Is there any significance behind them?"

Remus' expression changed completely at the question that Lily had been meaning to ask for quite some time. He stopped grinning and squinted at her, as though debating something in his mind.

"You don't want to know," he said finally.

This, of course, did nothing but intrigue Lily further.

"Oh but I do! Come on, Moony," she smiled sweetly at him. "Let your best mate Lily in on the secret."

Remus returned the sweet smile but shook his head.

"It's dangerous information. You're much to naïve and innocent to have to carry it on your shoulders," he replied as though he were talking to a three-year-old.

"Excuse me!" Lily exclaimed in an offended tone. "I'm very capable of carrying dangerous secrets. Come on, now. No one will know. I will take it with me to the grave."

Remus looked her up and down with a smirk.

"Hmm...I dunno..."

"Remus Lupin! Stop it and just tell me!" Lily demanded. "I don't handle suspense very well," she added threateningly.

"Fine. It's alright with me that you know but I can't speak for James or Sirius or Peter. It's not entirely my secret to tell. I don't know if they'll want anyone to know. It's a bit risky and we've worked really hard at keeping anyone from finding out. You have to get their permission first. Dessert?"

"Oh you prat! If I get permission from all of them- which I certainly will- you have to promise to tell me," Lily said gravely. "Deal? Oh- and I'd love dessert."

Remus chuckled.

"Deal."