Harry Potter and Where Did You Put the Dumbledore?

(In the common room, Harry Potter ponders the ideal of evil. His friend Ron Weasley is staring off into space.)

Harry: Evil! Evil! It's all around! Voldemort wants to kill me! My aunt and uncle want to kill me. Trelawney wants to see me dead! WHY IN ALL THE HUMANITY!?

Ron: Harry, are you ranting about evil again?

Harry: (He clenches his fists in anger) Yes! I am! You would too if everyone wanted you dead! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL! GOD, RON, YOU ARE SO STUPID. (He starts crying emo tears.)

Ron: Harry, are you crying?

(Ent. Hermione Granger, who is wearing a leather miniskirt and vest, along with red satin pumps.)

Hermione: Of course he is, Ron! If I weren't sleeping with you I'd call you a dimwit.

Harry: What?! Even Ron gets to sleep with a real person! WHY NOT ME? All I get is a blow-up doll! Life is so unfair! (His emo crying continues.)

Ron: I always thought you loved Irene. You always said you did when you were doing her late at night when you thought everyone was sleeping. In all actually reality, we were all awake. Oh! And we recorded the whole thing and put on Youtube. The video has like a million hits now. Oops! I said too much, didn't I?

(In China...)

Chinese Guy: *laughs at Youtube video*

(Back at Hogwarts...)

Harry: Damn it Ron!

Ron: I'm sorry, Harry. At least I think I'm sorry. Am I sorry?

Hermione: Sure you are, Ron. And Harry, you can sleep with a real person. My fare is pretty low.

Harry: How low?

Hermione: Pretty low, since Ron can afford it.

Harry: Well, all I've got on me is three Knuts...

Hermione: That's more than enough! (She drags Harry into a closet.)

(Ent. Neville Longbottom.)

Neville: Me, oh my. Hermione's such a looker. Everyone knows she's a hooker. Poor Harry, poor Harry. He will soon find that Hermione's STDs are quite scary.

Ron: Neville, did you just rhyme? Hey! Where did Hermione go!? I just found a knut under the cushion of this couch! That's enough for two hours!

Neville: Can you not see, Weasley? Hermione is a prostitute. She tends to have sex in a laundry chute.

Ron: Whoa, wait a second! Who does she have sex with in laundry chutes? We normally do it in the Shrieking Shack, who else could be hiring her??!

Neville: How about everyone? Gee, I didn't know you were that dumb. There was Seamus and Fred and George and Dean. Minerva and Crabbe and Goyle and I think a marine.

Ron: She probably likes me best though.

Hermione (from the closet): WOW HARRY! You are 10 times better than Ron!

Ron: (He thinks for a moment.) Well, Hermione and I have more than just a physical relationship. Hermione loves me.

Hermione (from the closet): Harry! I love you! MARRY ME!

Ron: Well, at least I know she still wants to have my children.

Hermione (from the closet): HARRY! I want to have your babies!

Harry (from the closet): How many?

Hermione (from the closet): FOUR HUNDRED BABIES!

Harry (from the closet): OKAY! Hermione, I love you! Your sluttiness has made me completely forget about all the

Hermione (still from closet): OH HARRY!

Ron: (He is silent.)

Neville: Alas, poor Ron, The battle is won! You may go home to your mother. Who with love you she will smother.

Ron: That sounds like a good idea. Mum will find someone else for me to love... I'll just fly home in the morning after I pee on all of Harry's stuff and leave him nasty hate letters. I might even take all of his Chocolate Frogs Cards just to show him how mad I really am!

Neville: Make sure to pee on his sash! I have a feeling your acts will bite you on the ass... So be forewarned my red headed friend. Harry may "Avada Kedavra" your back end.

Ron: I take back what I said. You aren't even my friend anymore. I can't be friends with some who rhymes all the time. It's so uncool. (He walks up stairs to pack.)

Neville: (He somehow sighs in rhyme.)

(Harry and Hermione emerge from closet.)

Harry: Here is your money. (He offers Hermione three Knuts.)

Hermione: No need to pay Harry. I should be paying you.

Ron: (He sobs and pulls out a random gun.) I should just end my life...

Harry: NO! Don't do that! Don't you remember what happened to Dobby!?

Ron: Erm... no?

Hermione: (She giggles strangely at the thought of Dobby.)

Neville: Dobby is not even three feet high. Dobby the house elf cannot die.

Harry: That's all out of the side of the point! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!?

Hermione, Neville, and Ron: No...

Harry: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! (He starts crying bitterly and emo-like.)

(Ent. Draco Malfoy.)

Draco: Gee Granger, I knew you were horrible in bed, but I didn't know that it was bad enough to make poor Potter cry! Mudbloods do lack sex-skills after all, unlike a pureblood like me.

Harry: OOOH! How much do you charge, Malfoy?

Draco: I'm sorry, when I prostitute I don't use that name. I happen to call myself "Draco the Serpent of Sex."

Harry: Psh! That's dumb.

(Ent. Minerva McGonagall. She is sweating and panting from running.)

McGonagall: I hate to interrupt this absence of plot, but... DUMBLEDORE'S BEEN STOLEN!

Harry: WHAT? My gay mentor?!? NOO!!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN.

Ron: What? Is Dumbledore missing?

McGonagall: YES, WEASLEY! YES, POTTER! HE'S GONE AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!

Hermione: Erm... I need to go check the laundry chute...

Harry: YOU ARE LYING!

McGonagall: NEVER EVER EVER EVER COMING BACK! HE IS DOOMED! WHICH MEANS THE SCHOOL IS DOOMED! WHICH MEANS WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Harry: WAIT! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE WHO'S DESTINED TO DIE! IF EVERYONE'S GOING TO DIE, NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT ME! WHAT SHALL I DOOOOO!?

Ron: CAPS LOCK!!!!

McGonagall: WEASLEY, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE FIRST FOR BEING AN IDIOT!

Ron: Dang.

Harry: WHY!? (He starts crying emo tears again.)

Hermione: (She falls down laundry chute.)

Ron: NOOO! (He jumps in after Hermione.)

McGonagall: NOO! (She sobs alongside Harry.)

Draco: (He looks around, puzzled.) You Gryffindors are screwed up...

Harry: And why did no one tell me we had a laundry chute in here!? YOU ALL HATE ME! YOU ARE ALL WORKING FROM VOLDEMORT ARENT YOU?

McGonagall: Don't be silly, Potter. No one here is in cahoots with Voldemort.

Draco: (His eyes shift around nervously.)

Ron (from the chute): YOU SAID HIS NAME! AHHH!!

Hermione (from the chute): EW! Ronald! You just peed on me!

Harry: No one cares if you say his name! He's just a big, mean bully!

Draco: You're mum's a big, mean bully.

Harry: (He sniffs, beginning to cry.) My mum's dead.

Draco: She wasn't last night!

McGonagall: OHHHHH! BURNT!

Neville: Wow, Draco sure is badass! He makes Harry cry like a wee little lass!

Draco: Shut up, Neville! You-- Wait! You're right! I am badass!

Harry: NOW NOT EVEN NEVILLE IS ON MY SIDE! AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE FRIENDS!

Neville: Harry, but you have to face the truth! Now is not the time to act uncouth! Gosh Harry, you are acting mean. Stop being such a drama queen!

Clouds outside: (Get really dark and evil looking.)

Wind: (Starts to get loud.)

(Sinister music begins to play. There is a loud cracking noise and a bright flash of light. Smoke fills the room. When it clears, a very pregnant Lord Voldemort is standing in the center of the room.)

Harry: HOLY SHIT!

McGonagall: GOOD HEAVENS! (She jumps out of the window.)

Neville: Oh goodness, this is a mess! I'm going to hide under this desk! (He does so.)

Draco: MASTER!!!! (He bows down.)

Harry: (says in epic voice) So, we meet again, Voldemort! My name is Harry Potter. You killed my father... and my mother. PREPARE TO DIE!

Voldemort: Psh. You fail at quoting movies.

Harry: SHUT UP! (He goes on another crying jag.)

Voldemort: GOODNESS! I'm so sorry, Harry, me lad! I'm going to be an awful father! (He starts crying alongside Harry.)

Ron: (crawling up chute) HAHA! He-who-must-not-be-named is crying!

Voldemort: (He turns to the chute.) I'm right here! You can call me by name you stupid git! (Continues to cry)

Ron: But... I... You... Evil... ALL MY VIEWS OF THE WORLD ARE FUCKED UP NOW! THANKS! (He falls down the chute.)
AHHHHHH!

Hermione: OUCH! RON YOU STUPID GIT! YOUR WAND JUST HIT ME IN THE EYE!

Draco: Come now, Lord. You must pull yourself together and do what you have planned to do all this time!

Voldemort: Have my baby and raise it in a house with a nice picket fence around it. We'll have a black dog named Spot. We'll have a plasma screen T.V. in the living room. The cupboard will always be filled with Chef Boyardee. The fridge will be filled with various kinds of soft drinks and mineral water. We will have orange shag carpet in the playroom. I will give the little tyke horsie rides along the beach. He will giggle with glee as we get ice cream. I will let him ride on those little rides that cost a quarter outside the grocery store as many times as he wants. It will be a good life.

Draco: Sounds like a perfect plan sir. But, I believe you forgot to mention the endless ice cream supply and the part where I am your loyal sex sla... I mean servant.

Voldemort: Yes, I will need a servant to change all those nappies. Promise me you won't rape the baby?

Draco: (hesitates) I promise, sir.

Harry: (wiping away his tears) Voldemort are you going to kill me or not? I mean, isn't this why you came here? Or did you just come here to tell everyone about your future plans? We are all waiting for a plot twist or something. Like, tell me I am the father or something! YOU ARE TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE BY TAKING OUT ALL DRAMATIC TWISTS AND ACTION!

Voldemort: I would tell you that you are the father of my unborn heir, but that would be lying. Peter Pettigrew is the father. Oh, I remember that night oh so well...

(FLASHBACK!!!!)

Voldemort: I'm not as young as I used to be.

Pettigrew: No, master, you're not.

Voldemort: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?

Pettigrew: NO SIR!

Voldemort: Fat? That gives me an idea!

Pettigrew: What kind of idea, sir?

Voldemort: Pettigrew, I need you to make me... A SPAWN!

Pettigrew: Yes, Master. I will find you a muggle drifter for you to impregnate! (He bows and starts to leave the room.)

Voldemort: NO! I want you to father it!

Pettigrew: FINALLY I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT FOR ALL MY LIFE! (He tackles Voldemort to the ground. Kissing passionately, they-- *Author gets uncomfortable and decides to stop the sex scene*)

(XFLASHBACK!!!X)

Everyone in the room: (Runs to the laundry chute and barfs in it at the thought of the flashback.)

Hermione: RON! STOP THAT!

Harry: Gee, Voldemort. That's gross... And disturbing. But mostly gross.

Voldemort: I can't help that you feel that way.

Harry: Soooooo..... Do you know where Dumbledore is?

Voldemort: NOPE! I can't say that I do.

Harry: Sooo... why did you come here anyway? Just to tell us that disturbing story and make us sick?

Voldemort: Well, I was wondering if you would be the Godfather.

Harry: (Attempting to act Italian.) Kiss the ring.

Voldemort: LOOK! I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT YOU FAIL AT QUOTING MOVIES!

Harry: Fuck you Voldemort! (He almost punches Voldemort.) I would punch you right now, but I don't want to kill your FETUS.

Fetus that is probably the Anti-Christ: (sighs in relief)

Voldemort: FINE! I'M LEAVING! (He vanishes.)

Neville: (emerging from under desk) Damn, that really was close. And man, that story was super gross. It makes me wish I hadn't eaten that toast.

Harry: (looks at Draco) What now?

Draco: Why are you asking me? I should not even be talking to filth like you! You made the Dark Lord upset! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS! (He whips out his wand.)

Harry: (He hands Draco three Knuts)

Draco: (punches Harry in face) Idiot. I'm worth more than that! You will have to find at least... ONE more Knuts before I would consider being the Serpent of Sex with you!

Neville: Hey look, you guys! I just spied with my eyes, a random Knut shining. Is that the clock chiming?

Harry: NO ONE CARES! (He leaps for the Knut.)

Random Person #1: (Snatches Knut and runs off.)

Harry: Dang it. That kid is officially part Jew!

Draco: Someone should get rid of Jews. Jews and Mudbloods.

Harry: Didn't someone try to do that before or something like that?

Hitler: (German-Speak, but the word "Jew" is heard mentioned.)

Draco: Dude, I don't know what you just said, but he went that way. (He points to the left.)

Hitler: (Runs after Random Person #1.)

Harry: (He watches Hitler in confusion.) Anyway... so Dumbledore. He is still missing... who could have stolen him?

Draco: Your mum.

Harry: I TOLD YOU SHE WAS DEAD!

Draco: She wasn't last night. OH BURRN!

Harry: Umm... you already said that?

Draco: Shut up, Potter! No one asked you!

Harry: Well... Okay, fine. You can come help find Dumbledore.

Draco: What? I didn't ask to help.

Harry: OH NO! WHAT IF DUMBLEDORE HAS THE PLAGUE!?

Draco: What does that have to do with anything?

Neville: (crawls out from desk) Oh no! That can't be so! Dumbledore can't have the plague! He has an anti-plague patch on his leg!

Harry: No, I'm pretty sure that is a birth control patch.

Neville: Oh! SUCK MY TOE! I think I heard a noise! It sounded like... NAKED BOYS!?

(Neville Longbottom has just realized that a very naked Fred Weasley and George Weasley standing in the common room.)

Draco: (says to himself) Maybe I should come here more often...

Harry: (to Draco) I concur.

Fred: Welllll.... This is awkward.

George: Yessss. You see, It was like this: Fred and I were down in the laundry room, and we each had a Knut, and then Ron and Hermione fell down, so of course we gave Hermione our Knuts, so of course we took our clothes off. So then Crabbe and Goyle rush in and eat them.

Crabbe and Goyle (can be heard from laundry chute): OM NOM NOM NOM!!

Harry: Sooo, why didn't you just snag some other clothes that were down there?

George: Well, they were all covered by Ron's puke...

Fred: (coughs) ...And sperm.

Harry: (looking sick) Ohh...

One of the Writers: (suddenly wishes she was in the common room with the twins)

Other Writer: (Would rather sleep with the SERPENT OF SEX, despite all the STDs he carries.)

Fred and George: (Leave since they have no use in the plot.)

Harry: SO! OFF DUMBLEDORE HUNTING WE GO!

Neville: Hey, you snitch! That was my line, bitch!

Harry: (holds wand up in the air very dramatically) WIZARD FRIENDS! UNITE!

(Light beams from behind Harry as Ron and Hermione fly up the laundry chute Superman style. They side on either side of Harry with action poses.)

Hermione: Oh, Harry! Put that thing away! You're so provocative!

Ron: (mumbles something about Harry's mother.)

Harry: Let's go!

(The three walk out into the hall, the other two follow slowly. About five minutes later the five are caught by none other than Severus Snape.)

Snape: (jumps out from behind a corner) What do you think you are doing out this late?!

Neville: (faints)

Harry: Uh, it's only 5:00.

Snape: WELL PAST YOUR BEDTIME!

Hermione: Don't worry you guys! I'll distract him! (She rips off her shirt to reveal a My Little Pony bra.)

Snape: OH! I do love those ponies!

Ron: WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU ONLY WORE THAT BRA WHEN I PAY FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE!

Harry: (drags Ron past Snape)

Neville: Oh little ponies, the boobs you support ain't no phonies! (Admires Hermione before following Harry)

Draco: May a touch?

Hermione: NO!

Draco: (touches anyway.)

Snape: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Draco: (dies)

Neville: (looking back at Snape and Draco) DARN YOU, YOU KILLING HEX! BECAUSE OF YOU, THERE IS NO SERPENT OF SEX!

Harry: OH WELL! Hey, Snape! Do you want to help find Dumbledore?

Snape: Hells no! I have a date with Mrs. Norris.

Ron: Isn't she married?

Snape: Shh! No one needs to know.

Harry: Snape. You suck. (Randomly kicks Snape in the shin and runs away)

Hermione: (puts shirt back on and runs after Harry)

(The four run through the halls, narrowly escaping certain death. Okay, it wasn't really death; it was McGonagall in a nightshirt and a sleeping cap. But anyway, I digress. They suddenly came upon none other than Hagrid.)

Hermione: Gee, Hagrid. What are you doing outside Flitwick's room?

Hagrid: I... erm... ah...

Hermione: GEE! My head itches! (She scratches her head, Albus Dumbledore falls out.)

Dumbledore: (stands up and notices his beard is still in Hermione's hair. He starts to pull it out, but it seems endless) How fucking long is this thing?

Harry: (looks from Dumbledore to Hermione and Ron) Professor?

Dumbledore: I THOUGHT her hair was the portkey to my gay cruise ship.

Everyone Else: (Ogles at Dumbledore)

Ron: WHAT? DUMBLEDORE IS GAY?

Harry: Duh Ron. Why do you think I always go hang out with him in his office? (turns to Dumbledore) Anyway... Professor, you should have know that Hermione's hair is a black hole void thing.

Dumbledore: Yes, I should have known. But I have to say I met a very nice gnome while I was in there.

Travelocity Gnome: (Pops out of Hermione's hair.) What the fuck? This isn't Sicily!

Neville: Silly Dumbledore should have known. Within Hermione's hair, lies a colony of gnomes!

Hermione: No there isn't.

Ron: (Randomly keels over and dies.)

Harry: YES! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!

Dumbledore: Ah, Weasley. He was dumb as a rock.

Neville: No one liked him. He lived in sin. Hermione prefers Harry. I wonder if he'll be buried.

Mrs. Weasley: (Running in.) NOT MY SON, YOU BITCH!

Harry: You're a little late.

Mrs. Weasley: Oh well! Can't say I didn't try!

Neville: Alas, my friends! This is the end. But don't despair in vain. We don't know if we'll be back again.

Random Pterodactyl: CRAAAWW!!! (Swoops in and carries Neville away into the sunset)