Not On My Watch!

That stupid Weasley kid was playing with his pet rat Scabbers in the Gryffindor Common Room.

Hermione looked at him, "I'm pretty sure that that rat has the plague, Chlamydia, and some sort of heroin addiction. I mean, seriously, I think your rat is a dope addict."

"YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU SNORTED TOO MUCH CRACK AND NOW YOUR BRAIN IS MADE OF OATMEAL!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"My mom always tells me that when you smoke too much crack your brain turns to mush. And I know that mush is oatmeal, so there. How do you like my scientific theory?"

"I think it's a pile of llama piss. Since they pee solid."

"Hermione, you're so smart." Weasley the sixth drooled a bit, burning a hole in the chair he was sitting on.

"Are you sure your saliva is not made of acid?" asked Luna.

"Luna, why the fuck are you in here?" asked Hermione.

"MY HEAD-BOY SENSES ARE TINGLING!" shouted Percy Weasley. He gasped. "NON-GRYFFINDORS ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE! SO, BITCH, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOUR ASS, YOU WOULD LEAVE NOW!"

"Shut up, queer," sneered Luna in her soft, dreamy voice.

"You have hurt my feelings, you whore!" cried Percy, running out of the room to write about it in his diary.

"Look what you've done to my brother!" exclaimed Freckled-Face-Freak. "You have made the homosexual cry. Wow, I just used a word over twenty letters long."

"No you didn't, you imbecile!" Hermione shouted. She stood up from her seat and dug around in her pockets for a moment and pulled out a can of Mace. "This is punishment for being born with a brain problem!" She aimed the Mace and sprayed it in the blanco nino's eyes.

"MY EYE HOLES!" shrieked the master of masturbation Weasley. He fell on the floor and cried like a toddler scared of the fake Santa at the mall.

"Hey, Hermione!" Harry beamed, coming down the stairs of the boy's dormitory. "You will never guess what I just fucked!"

"What?" Hermione asked in an unenthusiastic voice.

"A MALE WEASLEY!" Harry smiled proudly. He continued walking toward Hermione, stepping on the Weasley that was still crying like his liver had been transplanted with hot peppers dipped in acid. "He was crying a lot, so I fucked him up the bum to cheer him up!"

"You're telling me you left Percy upstairs with a bleeding anus?" asked Hermione, looking suspiciously at The Boy Who Screws Boys. "Does this mean you're gay?"

"No, silly girl, this means I'm trisexual."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" screamed a voice from the doorway.

"Harry, you've upset the Fat Lady again," said Hermione.

"NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT OUR MYSTERIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL LIASON, HARRY JAMES POTTER! YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NOT SPILL THE BEANS AND NOW I AM ROYALLY PISSED!" shrieked the Fat Lady. "AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM A WOMAN! DID YOU NOT FEEL THE FOLDS OF MY PAINTED ON FAT ROLLS?"

"Harry, I think you should go have a baby."

"Now, Hermione, men can't have babies."

"Your Dad did."

"REALLY? THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME! But still, I'm going to go implant my seed in a random drifter in the hallway. I'll see you guys later," said Harry, walking towards the door.

"NOT ON MY WATCH!" screamed Percy Weasley, throwing himself down the stairs. He glided across the room in a manner much like that of a flying squirrel. He landed on top of something. "What is this fuzzy contraption? Is this drugs? Hermione, I let you off the hook last time, but this looks like some serious shit. Do you snort this?" Percy took a deep whiff of the furry drug that happened to be Knowledge. "Damn, this shit smells like tacos and baking soda."

Just then, Neville Longbottom burst through the window. He was riding a Nimbus 4000 with spinners and a pimped out grill. On the back was a license plate that said "PEYUMP." Along with Neville, there were two, sexy, nameless blondes that looked like they were about to rip off the small amount of clothes that they were wearing. They kissed his neck passionately. "Oh, Big N," they said seductively.

"What up, mothafuckers?" Big N asked his friends in the common room. He took off his Oakley sunglasses and smiled to show off his diamond-studded, gold-plated grill.

"Yo, Big N!" Hermione nodded toward the pimped out Longbottom. "What kind of shit you got for me this week?"

"Bitch, this shit is fucking off the mothafuckin' chain of yo mama's pussy!" Big N said in a surprising black man's voice. "I got the best fucking shit ever! I got some speedballs, some X, tons a Mary Jane up in this mothafucker, and some of the best opium shit that you whores have ever seen."

Hermione almost orgasmed at these words. She hadn't been able to get her hands on opium for three days. That shit was hard.

Big N continued, "And for the adventurous of you, I have some bacon-wrapped LSD, some Coke Fried Chicken, and some rohypnol filled burritos. The gurls don't wake up for DAYS after I slipped them bitches one of those mothafuckin' shitfaced asswipin' pissin' damn cuntin' pussy-smellin' bastards."

Never Had a Drug in His Life Weasley looked at Big N in admiration and horniness. His erection was throbbing. "Excuse me," he said. He walked over to Big N and kissed him square on the mouth.

"Get offa me mothafucka!" Big N demanded and beat No One Cares About You Weasley off with his wand. Which was now a pimp cane.

Weasley Six fell on the floor again and poked out his lip. "Yes, sir." He said fearfully. "I was just wondering if I could get some ...um...dope. I spent all my money, thinking about Hermione while having an orgasm, but I can pay with all my loving!"

"Bitch, you think you can just try to rape me, then ask for free shit?" Big N asked, starting to get pissed off. Low IQ Weasley nodded eagerly. "Fool, you gonna die," Big N spat out and pulled out some type of pimpin' gun. Diamonds lined its barrel.

"Ohhhh.... Big N!" moaned the two blondes. "You are so sexy when you threaten a mama's boy like that." They proceeded to kiss his neck. "Please, can we have sex on a hippo's backside?" Big N sighed and put up his gun.

"Okay." He agreed after thinking for a moment. He dropped a large box of drugs on the floor. He turned his broom around and said to Hermione, "Just pay me next week."

"I wish I could be one of Big N's blonde, bitch-ass hoes," sighed Percy. "I would let him fuck me on the stomach of an artic tern."

"I'll fuck you for a knut," offered Hermione.

"But I'm gay," stated Percy.

Hermione thought for a moment. "I've got a strap-on."

Percy grabbed Hermione and threw her up the stairs. Such strength.

"This bacon smells like, totally good," stated The Weasley that's Always Hungry. He quickly ate three pieces. Even though it usually takes LSD a while to start working, Big N was right, this shit was off the chain.

------

Ron opened his eyes and saw butterflies with Harry's face. "Hello, Harryflies," laughed Ron.

"Take us, Ron. Take us!" they cried. "Take us to Sock River! Where all the socks are filled with cheese!"

"Holy smokes! I love cheese!" Ron grabbed the Harryflies and ran across a field full of ten-legged sandwiches. It began to rain soup.

The warm liquid washed over him, washing his face and his hair, turning him into a unicorn.

"I'm a unicorn!" he shouted, galloping along the fields. The sky was a toffee gold and the clouds were made of colored plastic plates.

He came to a forked road. He chose to go left.

Suddenly, the sky became a murky, muddy brown. The soup rain stopped and became a rain made from rotten fish. They fell everywhere. When they hit the ground they turned into large purple armadillos with vampire teeth. They started crawling towards him.

He was afraid. He was afraid that these mutant armadillos would hurt his precious unicorn body. He looked down only to discover that he was Snape. He screamed out of fear and began running.

He tripped over his robes and fell into a river of spiders. They were crawling all over his body. Crawling in his clothes and his hair.

Ron screamed out of fear as everything went black.