Not On My Watch!

Hermione looked mournfully at her housemates. Harry Potter was acting like a jerk and daring Fred to punch him in the "abs."

"Come on, give it your best shot, dickweed," challenged Harry in the manliest voice that his pre-puberty vocal chords would allow.

"Shut up," said Fred in his actually manly post-puberty voice, which was surprisingly deep. Like, really deep. It was almost scary. It sounded like a foghorn inside a tuba on a rainy night.

"DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!" cried Harry, jumping up and down on Padma Patil, who was already hammered drunk and passed out from alcohol poisoning.

Fred punched Harry in the gut. The Boy Who Has No Abs flew backwards and landed on the floor. Crying like a girl, he got back up on the bench.

"I'm sorry, Harry," said Fred. "NOT!" He then punched him again in the testicles, to even out the pain.

"MY BABIES!" cried Harry.

"BABIES?" cried Poppy Pomfrey from the doorway. "NOT ON MY WATCH, ASSHOLES!" She started shooting off a giant t-shirt gun. Much to the students surprise, it was filled with condoms.

"OOOH! I GOT A BANANA FLAVOR!" screamed Oliver Wood.

"ARE THESE BERTIE BOTT'S EVERY FLAVORED CONDOMS!?" shrieked Trelawney. "I FORSEE HOT ACTION IN MY FUTURE! I WANT A GASOLINE FLAVORED ONE!"

"CONDOMS IN THE CREMATORIUM!" shouted Dumbledore, who was now wearing a condom on his nose. "I'M AN ELEPHANT! LOOK, MINERVA, TOOOOOT!"

Hermione saw Weasley the sixth open a butter flavored condom up and put it on his roll. He stuffed the entire roll, condom and all, into his large, cavernous, face hole. "THIS IS NOT THE WAY BUTTER FEELS! THIS BUTTER IS RUBBERY AND--" He started choking on the condom.

"Don't worry, little bro, I will save you!" George started hitting Weasley 6.0 on the back with a silver platter. It wasn't helping.

"DO IT RIGHT!" shouted Fred, coming at Weasley seis with a large wooden dildo. He hit him repeatedly in the stomach area, eventually shoving it into his bellybutton.

Unbeknownst to stupid six Weasley, bellybutton orgasms exist. He cried out in ecstasy as his bellybutton ejaculated, causing the condom to dislodge from his windpipe. Fred had saved the day. He stood in a triumphant and heroic pose.

Weasley VI fell onto the floor, moaning. "Hermione... I'm totally thinking about you right now!" he moaned. Hermione made a gagging sound.

"That will be two knuts!" she demanded "Thinking about me while orgasming costs money you know!" The ginger kid sighed and pulled out his life savings out of his pockets, handing it to Hermione. After the stupid-ass was done with his stomach sex, he sat back up on the bench.

"Hermione, that was totally great. I would prostitute myself to pay for your prostitution if you had a penis. That shit was ballin'."

Hermione looked at him nonchalantly. "Yeah, that's how I felt the first time I tried cocaine, but now I do speedballs and fucked up shit like that."

"I had some Robitussin once," interjected Harry.

"Shut the fuck up, pussy," snapped Hermione.

"I want to fuck your pussy," stated unattractive Weasley in an attempt to bed sexy. He arched his eyebrow. "What's that gurgling sound? Are you getting turned on? It's similar to the sound you made the first...and last...time we made love."

Hermione knew perfectly well that the sound he had heard when they had sex was her vomit welling up in her throat. This time, however, it was Knowledge chugging Firewhiskey under the table. He could drink some booze, Hermione would give him that. She did not want to give her secret away, so she thought up a quick lie. "That, Weasley, is the sound of Womanhood."

"EWW! YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD!?" the red-head shrieked. "THAT IS SO UNNATURAL, YET NATURAL AT THE SAME TIME! AND ON THE FULL MOON, NO LESS!"

A howl came from the teachers table. Everyone turned and stared at the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, who was looking surprisingly wild and hairy. Not as hairy as Hagrid, but hairy.

McGonagall knew she had to do something. "LET'S PLAY MONOPOLY, WHORES!" Magically, Monopoly boards appeared everywhere.

Needless to say, Hermione owned every property on the board ten minutes later. She also had hotels on every property. Harry landed on Park Place. "PAY UP, BITCH!"

"Damn." Harry sighed, crossing his arms as he pouted "I'm out of money... Will you take these galleons instead?"

"Pay up or suffer, asswipe." Hermione said, sticking out her hand. Her eyes glared at the girly boy. His face went pale and he threw her his wallet.

"EW! SOMETHING SMELLS LIKE POOPIE!" Retard Weasley yelled and pulled his shirt over his nose to block out the smell.

"POOPIE IN POTTER'S PANTS!" Dumbledore yelled out. The insane old man jumped up on the table and kicked the board and fake money off. "I WIN!" He jumped up and down and ripped off his pants.

"FUCK IT, LET'S GET NAKED!" yelled a very drunk Severus Snape. He ripped off his billowing robes in one fluid motion, leaving his in his tidy whities.

"GETTTING IT ON IN THE GREAT HALL!" shrieked the mad old man.

"SAVE A BROOMSTICK, RIDE A HEADMASTER!" Snape jumped on the kooky old man's back and started gyrating crazily.

Hermione grabbed Knowledge and ran out of the Great Hall. She was afraid someone would unknowingly violate him.

She did care a little.