Not On My Watch!

Hermione Granger was less than excited about entering her third year at Hogwarts. Needless to say, hiding Knowledge from her parents had been less than hard, seeing as how they were dentists and were always high on nitrous oxide. She had simply told them that Knowledge was a furry footstool from Bulgaria. The downside of this was he was often sat on by Hermione's father. However, Knowledge was a tough little tyke, so he bore the pain.

Hermione had received a letter from the Weasleys that they would be meeting at the Leaky Cauldron the next day. She dreaded seeing that Weasley that was her age. She often forgot his name so it was awkward for her to have to talk to him.

When she arrived, much to her sorrow, that tiny red-headed prat was there. "HERMIONE!" he squealed, seeing as how boys like him never experience puberty. He ran towards her and practically humped her leg. The way boys act once you have sex with them. First, it's the sex and then it's "I love you, marry me!" It made Hermione sick.

"Oh... well, hello there...Weasley Number Six?" Hermione said in a dull voice, shaking the boy from her leg. She, like many others, found it much easier to remember the Weasleys by numbers instead of names.

"Oh, Hermione, I'm poor! Can I have some money? Maybe just a knut?" asked the freckled kid.

"Of course not! Fuck off!" Hermione sneered at the boy. She ran into the nearest shop, which was the magical pet store. What she didn't see was that Knowledge rolled out of her bag. He crawled over to a cat cage and accidentally locked himself inside.

Hermione hoped that the freckled freak would not follow her into the store. And he did not because of the large spider display in the window.

Hermione walked around the store for a few minutes before she realized that her bag was lighter than usual.

"HEY, HERMIONE!" shouted a squeaky voice. It was Harry Potter. Luckily she could recognize him due to the scar on his girly face. "Do you want a pet?"

"Sure..." she replied, hoping the kid would just leave her alone.

"OH YIPPIE!" Harry squealed, his voice cracking. "Let me help you pick something out! You should pick something mean and scary. We might need some sort of animal that can protect us from this year's sure-to-happen horrors!"

"Oh, has Dumbledore forgotten to put on robes again?" asked Hermione in a bored voice. That old fart was cramping her style.

"Hahah, no, but he's one cool dude! I hope to be like him one day. I've already shagged my first man."

Hermione thought back to all of the crazy things she had seen the Headmaster do, like tie Proffessor Flitwick to a chariot and order him to take him on a ride around the school, and then she looked at Harry. Yes, she could see him doing that type of thing.

"Hey," said Harry suddenly, thankfully changing the subject. "That cat in that cage reminds me of the boxers that turn on Weasley Number Seven."

Hermione looked over to the cage. "Ew, that thing is---KNOWLEDGE!"

"OH! You mean that is some sort of rare animal that you have read about in your books of knowledge?" Harry asked, getting excited and jumping up and down. "BUY IT! BUY IT! I WANT ONE!"

"Screw you, asshole, that animal is mine. Besides, you already have a bloody owl, so go fuck yourself." Hermione tried to get her baby from the cage.

"Nuh, uh, Miss," said the shopowner, who resembled an ogre. "That'll be two galleons."

Hermione glared at the ogre-like shopowner. "Okay, I'll pay for it," she said in a sly voice, "but first you have to tell me what it is."

"It's a yeti, imported from the south seas of the Mediterranean," replied the shopkeeper. "His name is Boris and he likes to eat olives. Now, give me yer money before I hex you."

"How about a free shag?" Hermione offered. She was not about to spend money on something besides school supplies, books, doughnuts, ecstasy, Firewhiskey, or new tater mits.

"Well, only if you have on furry boxers that were crafted from a minks skin by my cousin Hagrid," replied the shopkeeper.

"Ooh! I have some!" yelled Harry. He ripped off his pants to reveal the horrible, flea-infested things.

The shopkeeper looked a bit horny. "Hey kid, ever heard of getting it up the butt?" He led Harry into a back room.

Hermione took this opportunity to release Knowledge from the cage and quickly leave the shop. Ron was waiting outside the door for her, but Hermione flattened him with the door as she left.

"My balls!" he yelled weakly.

"Pfft, as if you have any, WEASLEY!' snapped Draco Malfoy.

"I have more than you, you MEANIE!" retorted Ron.

"Take it back!" cried Draco.

This led to a slapping fight, so luckily Hermione had time to stuff knowledge into her bag.

Hermione sighed and watched the slapping fight from across the alley. "Sometimes I feel like I might be surrounded by idiots," she said to herself.

"You are," said a voice from behind. It was Sirius Black. He was wearing a butterfly costume.

"HOLY FUCK!" Hermione screamed, running full speed in the direction of Flourish and Blotts.

Sirius cried a little inside. He hated scaring everyone away. "Wow, I really need to get rid of this Azkaban uniform." he said, looking down at his costume. He was just happy that he had been able to escape the prison in this costume instead of one of the bunny or French maid ones.

"So, Hermione, thanks for letting me do it with that guy back there. It was a new experience, I liked it. So, did you buy the cat?" asked Harry, rubbing his sore butt.

"Harry, you've got to hide! I just ran into Sirius Black!" said Hermione frantically.

"O-M-G," Harry spelled out in a girly shriek. "Get your cat-yeti thing out to protect me! Uh...I mean...to protect you! I will go risk my life to kick his butt!"

He ripped off his clothes to reveal a kung-fu costume, or what was left of one. This was just a thong with a belt around it and a headband. "I've got a black belt in kicking ass!" screamed Harry, running at the fugitive.

"Oh, my hero!" Ginny Weasley said breathlessly and fainted. The hunchback guy from the Leaky Cauldron appeared, grabbed the unconscious Ginny, and dragged her away to wherever hunchback guys like to get it on, which is probably in a bell tower or something.

"Not on my watch!" screamed Molly Weasley. She then ripped of her clothes to reveal a superhero outfit. "Just call me CAPTAIN MOM!" She swooped down and restrained Harry will all of her leftover pregnancy fat.

Hermione shook her head.

It was going to be a long year.