Not That You Asked

She sat there watching him read the letter.

She had stayed up all night reading it and rereading it.

She had cried until she was numb.

How could she have been so blind?

How could she have been so cruel?

She hadn't had a clue.

She hadn't seen a single sign.

She had forgotten the kiss.

Like a blind fool she had forgotten it.

She had been so ecstatic at receiving his letter she had literally flown into his arms.

She couldn't explain it.

She was normally so restrained.

She was normally so composed.

She had spent an entire month at his house.

They had both continued to write him.

Both of them agreed to keep their relationship private for a time.

It was one less burden he had to worry about.

They thought he would be happy for them.

She had never considered going to Bulgaria.

After the tournament, she knew there was nothing there for her.

Why hadn't he said anything?

Why was he always so quiet?

His family couldn't possibly be that bad.

Why did he have to love her?

What did she have to offer him?

Do you know what that kiss you gave me meant to me? It kept me alive all summer.

I didn't know. Why didn't you say something?

Do you know what those kisses you give him mean to me? They kill me inside.

How could I? Why do you have to keep your feelings so hidden?

Neither of you understand how I feel. Neither of you ever asked.

How could we understand? You never offered.

I can see why you love him. He has a family you can be a part of.

I can see why you love him. He has the run of the country. He can come and go as he pleases.

Is that all he sees?

He can't possibly be that alone.

He can't possibly be that bitter.

Yes. Yes he can.

I can see what brought you together. Noone is out to kill either of you.

I'll be surprised if I live to turn eighteen.

Why? Why do you have to be this way?

Why couldn't it be someone else?

I know you never wanted to live this life.

I know you want to live a normal life.

But why choose me?

What have I done?

I've hurt you is what I've done.

Do you know what those kisses you give him mean to me? They kill me inside.

Why? Why do this to me?

Why give me a challenge I can't solve with a book?

I never meant to hurt you.

Of course you know that.

I suppose it's better this way, you can be happy this way.

Always thinking of your friends.

Why couldn't you come out and say it to my face?

Because we hid it from you?

Because we left you behind at Christmas?

We forgot about you.

I forgot about you.

I don't deserve you.

Why can't you love someone else?

Do you want to know what that kiss meant to me? I fell in love with you last summer.

Not that it counts for anything.

Of course your love counts for something.

You are my friends, but you don't have the slightest idea what it means to be me. If you did, you wouldn't have done this to me.

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

Neither of you knows what it's like to be alone.

I do know. You came to rescue me from my loneliness.

You're my friend.

It still hurts you know. I see you and it hurts.

You're my friend and I've hurt you.

I suppose in time it will stop hurting.

I keep telling myself the pain will go away in time.

You're my friend and I'm killing you.

Do you know what those kisses you give him mean to me? They kill me inside.

I'm killing you.

We're killing you.

I just wanted to you to know that whatever the future holds, someone out there loves you.

I just wanted you to know that wherever you are, you'll always have a part of my heart.

I'm killing you and you still love me.

You don't deserve me.

I abandoned you.

We both did.

We set you adrift and never realized.

How can I look you in the eye now?

How can I look at you and not break down in tears.

Do you know what this is doing to me?

Do you know what this is going to do to us?

This is all I'm going to say on this. This is the only time I'll ever bring this up. What you choose to do, how you choose to react, is of course, up to you.

Of course you do.

And it's not what you wanted.

Even with all the hurt and the pain. I know you.

You want us to be happy.

Through all the bitterness and resentment, it's not your nature to wish pain on anyone.

I just wanted you to know that wherever you are, you'll always have my love.

Always. Why does it have to be always?

There has to be another you could love.

I know there is.

Why choose me?

Because I do love you.

And you know it.

I love you, and I betrayed you.

I betrayed you worse than anyone else ever has.

The numbness was fading from her body.

She knew the tears were swelling in her eyes.

Damn you.

Damn you for being the kind, gentle, honest soul that you are.

Damn you for being everything I could ever ask for.

I keep telling myself the pain will go away in time.

Eventually I may even believe that.

Damn you.

Why do you always have to be the one to sacrifice?

Of course you'll sacrifice yourself again.

You won't want me.

You'll see my love as pity.

You'll see my love as shame.

And you'll be right.

But could you be more wrong.

He had finished reading the letter.

He was looking at her now.

She didn't know what to say.

She could feel the pain in his eyes.

The door opened.

He walked in and saw them.

His eyes glanced to the letter.

She bolted from the room.

She ran as fast as her legs would carry her.

She ran as far away as she could go.

She only hoped she could outrun her shame.