Tourniquet

I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more

She sat on the ground in the middle of the forest, little rivers of crimson blood flowing slowly over her arms. The small pocket knife in her hand was poised over another area of her white skin, ready to slice again, ready to let another red river stream from her. Salty, wet tears were leaking slowly from her eyes but determination was set in her. She had set her fate already, she would end it tonight, end the pain, grief, sadness, and depression that had surrounded her for the past five years. She would end everything that had caused her to become a mere shadow; never noticed, just there.

I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal

Deep in her heart though, she didnt want it to end, she wanted to be saved, she wanted to live. She was lost though, lost in this world where she didnt matter and was merely another person taking up space. She was slowly dying from the inside as her heart and soul were gradually giving up. She bled from all of the wounds that had been inflicted upon her over the years and she was crying for the release from the pain as well as to be granted salvation. She couldnt have both though and she knew it.

I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved?
am I too lost?

All her life she had been left behind, neglected, shoved out of the way, and ignored. The youngest child and only girl out of a large family of six brothers. No one cared about her or her feelings. No one cared how much it hurt to go through each day, knowing you wouldnt be noticed once more, knowing you werent there. The only time in her entire life that she actually felt she meant something was when she almost died during her first year at school, when she had been rescued by her then crush and everyone had wept with joy for her safe return. Everyone forgot though and once more she was pushed back, again part of the shadows, again just another nobody.

My God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

Tears of anger and grief began to fall more rapidly from her red and puffy eyes. The tears splashed on her arms, mixing with the blood there and stinging the open wounds. She barely felt the pain though, becoming accustomed to the sharp sting of her flesh breaking open and the blood quickly pouring out. Now she relished the feel of it, the power it gave her, knowing she could control how much blood she caused to stream from her, the only thing she could control.

My God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

She had tried to stop long ago, thinking maybe there was something in this life to live for. But she couldnt stop and she now knew there was nothing to live for. No one would ever love her, no one would ever notice her, no one would ever care for her, no one would ever see her, no one would ever truly know her. She choked back a sob and pressed her eyes together tightly, and then slowly pushed the knife further into the skin of her wrist. She was too lost, she was going to die, she was going to kill herself, she was going to end the pain. Nothing could turn her away from this decision she had made.

Do you remember me
lost for so long?
Will you be on the other side
or will you forget me?

With a final deep breath, she forcefully swiped the knife across her wrist with all the strength she could muster. She gave a gasp of pain as her skin opened up and blood gushed from the wound she had just made. It was the deepest and most forceful cut she had ever made on herself and she smiled grimly in satisfaction. The bright red blood slowly trickled down her hand and began to make a pool on the ground, growing larger by the second. The deep red contrasted darkly with the deep green of the leaves surrounding her and she merely stared at the blood like she had never seen it before, marveling at how well it matched the fiery red of her hair.

I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved?
am I too lost?

Her eyes began to go out of focus and the realization of what she had done began to set in her head. She suddenly found her mind screaming to be saved. She didnt want to die, no, she didnt want it to end yet. Dear God above, she thought desperately, save me, forgive me for this, dont let me die yet. Her body began to shake and she collapsed to the ground, falling in her own blood. She was dying, she could feel the life slowly leaving her, now spread out on the forest floor around her. Her body cried to be set free from the pain but her mind wouldnt stop screaming at her, telling her to keep fighting. It wouldnt stop telling her that she needed to live, that she needed to have salvation from this.

My God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

As she struggled to keep a grip on the little bit of life still in her, she felt it beginning to slip through her hands faster, like trying to keep water held in your hands. And for the first time in her life, she prayed, prayed to God to send someone to save her, prayed for that someone to realize how much pain she was in, not just on the outside, but the inside as well. She prayed to be taken away from this hell she lived in, she prayed to be shown how to live once again, and she prayed for forgiveness.

My God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

And just when she thought that all hope had faded, that God wouldnt hear her and that there was no way that anyone would come had bring her to salvation, a light entered her darkening vision and her bleak and desolate life. She could hear someone running to where she lay, barely breathing and holding on to her last thread of life. He grabbed her and pulled her up into his arms, away from death, away from the blood that still lay all around her. Come on Ginny, dont die on me now, she faintly heard him say. And she clung to his words, hung on to that last shred of life in her and desperately tried to bring some of his life into her.

My God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
My God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

And gradually, life began to beat into her again, the blood streaming from her stopped and begin to flow through her body once more, her wounds stopped screaming for death, and her mind stopped screaming for salvation because her salvation was here. She wouldnt die now because she had found a reason to live again. She had been forgiven by God and her soul was granted deliverance.

My wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ?

Ginny slowly opened her eyes and looked upon the person who had granted her life once more and was her salvation sent by God. She looked into the eyes of someone who had noticed her when no one else did, had worked to know and understand her when no one else had tried to, and who had loved her when no one else did. Draco Malfoy. Her tourniquet.

Tourniquet
My suicide