When Good Potions Go Bad

A/N: Okay, I know that I have never marketed myself as a fan of slash and have tried to understand the popularity of the genre to no avail, but here I am, writing slash. Why, you ask? I got into a discussion on my LJ about slash and the topic of MPREG came up. We talked about how absurd the concept is in humans, and that only parody/humorous looks at it are readable, and I thought I would have some fun with it. JenKM1216 has a lot to do with this, too, as she really encouraged my muses.

I have tried my hardest to keep the characters in character as much as possible while still playing with all the pregnancy stereotypes. You still get your Snarky!Snape and Compassionate!Lupin, but there will be some breaks from normal due to stress. This fic is most definitely not to be taken seriously.

On the note of not to be taken too seriously, I will say ahead of time that this story will not include a detailed birth. I tried to keep this story as much in the realm of physical possibility as one can when dealing with MPREG, and there's not really much interesting story-wise about a caesarean section, so if that is your major turnoff to MPREG, you can safely read this story.

I would like to thank nota and sullacat for their work as my beta readers.

Chapter 1

Remus heard the door slam. He could tell it was going to be another one of those days. Severus had been incredibly moody lately, much more so than normal. He was surprised when Severus didn't join him in the kitchen. Taking a break from preparing dinner, he decided to see what Severus was doing.

He grew concerned when he realized his partner was nowhere in sight. "Severus?" He heard the toilet flush.

"Can't a man go to the bathroom in peace?" snapped Severus.

Yes, it was definitely going to be one of those days. "I was just wondering where you were. Dinner is almost ready."

Severus sat down and picked up the paper. "I'm not hungry."

"You don't even know what it is."

"I said that I'm not hungry," Severus growled.

"Just because you've had a shitty day doesn't mean you have to take it out on me," Remus retorted. This had been happening more and more often lately.

Severus sighed, "I'm sorry. I had an exhausting day, and I'd just like to relax."

Remus moved behind him and started rubbing his shoulders. "You haven't been eating much lately, and I'm getting concerned. Are you sure you aren't sick or anything?"

Severus moderated his tone. "No, I'm fine. I'm just having a hard time finalizing the fertility potion. You know how I get."

Leaning forward to place a kiss on his lover's cheek, Remus replied, "I do. But it's not healthy for you not to eat. Perhaps we can do something to work up your appetite?" He hoped to entice Severus to the bedroom. It had been several weeks since their last encounter.

"Not, tonight. I'm too tired. Perhaps tomorrow, since I have the day off."

Remus tried to hide his disappointment at the realization that it would be another night of self-stimulation. Releasing Severus' shoulders, he moved around and sat in the chair diagonal from Severus. "Are we all right?" He wondered if Severus was tired of him and pushing him away. He had never been so happy as when Severus had accepted him after the war, but that was nearly three years ago. A lot could change in that amount of time. Even though he still loved Severus deeply, he couldn't help but wonder if his lover's feelings had changed.

Severus gave Remus a reassuring smile and reached for his hand. "We're fine. I'm just in a bit of a rough patch on this potion. It's similar to when you have writer's block, that's all. It'll pass."

Remus knelt before Severus and began to rub his thigh, saying in an alluring voice, "Maybe we should take another vacation? I know it helped me last time. You know I wrote Forbidden Destiny in the fortnight after we returned. Maybe a little change would rejuvenate you?" He hoped that Severus would agree. The week they had spent on the Greek Isle had been magical. He could feel himself hardening at the memory of what they had done.

"I'll think about it." Setting down the paper, he announced, "I think I'll turn in. I just can't seem to keep my eyes open."

Remus rose and closed for a kiss. "Sleep well." As he kissed Severus, he tried to deepen the show of affection, show his lover how he was feeling, but he was rebuffed. He tried not to let the hurt show in his expression when they broke off. "I'll see you in the morning."

Once back in the kitchen, Remus kicked the wastebasket to vent his frustration. He knew that Severus was a difficult man and that their relationship would never be easy, but it had been nearly a month and Severus had shown no interest in him.

After eating dinner, he decided to work out his frustration by writing. It was well past midnight when he crawled into bed with a snoring Severus. After ten minutes, he realized he wasn't going to be able to sleep with the racket, and he moved to the guest room.

Remus was up earlier than usual the following morning. He hadn't slept well as he had kept waking up in the middle of erotic dreams. Hoping his lover would be in a better mood now, he slipped into bed behind Severus, began caressing the other man's body, and showering his neck and shoulders with kisses. "I need you," he whispered hoarsely before nipping at his lover's ear.

Severus shifted, pushed against Remus and moaned.

Encouraged, Remus let his hand slide up Severus's chest and gently twisted his nipple.

"Ouch!" Severus cried out and pulled away.

"What the bloody hell?" Remus was beyond frustration.

"You don't have to twist them off," snapped Severus.

"I didn't do anything I don't normally do. What's wrong with you?"

"I could ask you the same question."

Not wanting to start the day in a foul mood, Remus decided to make peace. Placing his hand on Severus' cheek, he said, "I'm sorry. Perhaps I was a little over-exuberant this morning?" Scooting closer to Severus, he started gently kissing his lover, hoping to restore the mood.

Rather than returning his affection, Severus pulled away and hurried to the bathroom, slamming the door.

Frustrated and hurt, Remus slammed his fist against the bed. When he heard Severus retching, he rose and knocked on the bathroom door. "Severus, are you all right?"

In between heaves, Severus replied, "I'll be fine. Must have eaten something disagreeable yesterday."

Not wanting to listen to his lover vomit, Remus decided to leave the room.

*********

Joining Remus in the kitchen, Severus saw him setting out food for breakfast and felt his stomach turn again. "Ugh. No bacon this morning, please." He still didn't feel completely normal, and just the thought of having to smell bacon made his stomach begin to turn again. Of course, he could say that about most meat products lately.

Remus returned the bacon to the icebox. "All right then, what would you like?"

"Just some porridge. Something simple."

Remus sat across from him and grasped his hands. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong with you?"

Severus could see the love and concern in the other man's eyes and gave him a reassuring squeeze of his hands. "I'm sure. I'm just under a lot of stress. I'm at a critical juncture of my research, but I just can't get past a block. I think I'm getting close. It'll get better once I solve the problem." Stress had caused him to lose his appetite before. Besides, it was not like he was losing weight and wasting away.

"Why don't we go to a play tonight? Perhaps the change of scenery will improve my mood." He just wanted Remus to stop worrying about him. He hated it when the man's mothering instinct kicked in.

The play did not improve Severus's mood. He had gotten up three times during the performance to use the lavatory. Even more irritating was the fact that Remus kept asking him if he was all right. Why would the man not listen? They had not spoken to each other since they returned home, and that suited Severus's mood perfectly. At least he was not being asked about his well-being every five minutes.

After the second time he got up from bed to go to the bathroom that night, Remus reached over and touched him. "I think you should go to St. Mungo's tomorrow."

Severus replied irritably, "I told you that I'm fine. I've just been drinking too much water."

"Severus, please. I'm worried."

Irritated, Severus grabbed his pillow. "Would you quit mothering me?" He then stormed across the hall to the guest room. Other than a small touch of nausea, he felt fine. There was no need to waste his time going to St. Mungo's.

*********

Remus was glad to see that Severus's appetite had finally returned. He supposed it had just been stress as Severus had announced two weeks ago that he was nearly finished with the potion, and that it was ready for testing. About that same time, Severus had regained his appetite. He watched Severus sop up the last of the gravy on his plate with his roll.

"Is there more?"

"Plenty." He couldn't remember ever seeing Severus with such a hearty appetite. His plate was still half full.

"Excellent job on dinner. You really are quite a good cook," Severus called from the kitchen.

"Thank you." He tried not to look surprised when Severus returned with a second heaping plate and devoured the food with relish. This had been going on for the last two weeks. At first, Remus had merely assumed that Severus's body was compensating for the lack of food the preceding months, but he couldn't help noticing that it was starting to go to Severus's waist. Starting tomorrow, he would begin preparing healthier meals with smaller portions.

"Hungry?" Remus finally asked, unable to refrain from comment.

Wiping away the crumbs, Severus replied, "I was starving. That pub near the lab is closed for renovation, and I couldn't find anyplace decent to eat." After another bite, he met Remus's eyes. "You wouldn't mind if I started coming home for lunch, would you? I don't want to disturb your writing."

This would actually work to Remus's advantage. "Of course not. I'd love to have you home for lunch. I think the distraction might help my creativity." He gave Severus a sly grin. When Severus's appetite had returned, so had his libido, something Remus was extremely grateful for.

"A little mid-day action? I like that idea. I wonder why I never thought of it before."

Remus saw the glint in Severus's eyes. "I think dishes can wait until morning, don't you?"

"Definitely."

**********

The next day, Severus sat down to lunch and saw a salad on his plate. "What's this?"

"I thought we'd have something healthier for a change."

Deciding that he could pick up something to eat on the way back to work, perhaps from that Thai place - he'd recently developed an unexplainable craving for Thai food - he dug into his salad. It wasn't at all satisfying, but it would make Remus happy.

When they finished lunch, he said, "I might be home a little late tonight. The next step of the potion is very time consuming, but I should be in around suppertime."

"I'll make it something simple, then. Let me know if you'll be too late?"

"I'll do my best." After kissing Remus goodbye, he headed to a little Thai restaurant on Diagon Alley and placed a rather large order to quell the rumbling of his stomach. He then returned to his office and quickly inhaled his food so that he could get back to work. When he was finished, he looked at the empty containers and couldn't believe he had eaten everything.

That evening, much to his disappointment, dinner consisted of more salad, a very small piece of baked chicken and steamed vegetables. While it was delicious, it did not satisfy his hunger. After he finished eating, he carried his plate to the kitchen and opened the icebox.

Remus joined him and asked, "Looking for anything in particular?"

"I thought we had some ice cream?"

"It's in the back," replied Remus as he charmed the dishes.

Severus scooped out two large helpings of ice cream and then went to the pantry in search of something to top it off. For some unexplained reason, he reached for the crisps and crumbled a couple of handfuls over the ice cream. He took a bite and savored the mix of sweet and salty flavors. This was exactly what he was looking for.

"What are you doing?" asked Remus curiously.

"Is there something wrong with eating ice cream?" Severus asked defensively.

"When you put crisps on it, there is." Remus had a look of disgust on his face.

"It's quite good. Did you want to try a bite?"

"I'll pass."

Severus shrugged and decided to take his bowl out the living room where he could listen to the Wireless. He wondered why he had never tried this combination before. It was heavenly.

They turned in early, and, as usual, Remus fell fast asleep after sex. Severus could feel the rumbling in his stomach, and knew that he would never get any sleep if he didn't get something to eat. Quietly, he slipped out of bed and headed to the kitchen. After eating a large sandwich, he patted his stomach, feeling much better. If Remus was going to feed him rabbit food, perhaps coming home for lunch was not such a good idea after all. He decided to cap his evening off with another helping of ice cream and crisps.

While he was getting dressed the following morning, he found himself having difficulty buttoning his trousers. They had been feeling a bit snug the last few days, but he had told himself that Remus must have been doing something different with the wash.

Remus noticed the struggle. "Severus, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

After inhaling deeply, he was able to finally button his trousers, though they became uncomfortably tight when he released the breath. He would have to purchase some new ones on the way home from work. "What about?"

Remus moved behind Severus and wrapped his arms around his lover, placing his hands on Severus's stomach. "It's about your appetite. While I'm glad to see you're eating again, I think you might be overdoing it a bit," he said gently.

Severus stiffened and became defensive. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Remus took in a deep breath. "It means that you're putting on a little weight. You could barely button your trousers this morning."

Severus pulled away, stung by Remus's words. "So you only love me when I'm thin."

In a placating tone, Remus answered, "No, not in the least. I'll always love you; I always have." He hugged Severus tightly. "I just want to make sure you aren't doing anything to endanger your health."

"I am forty years old, and unlike you, I don't suffer from a disease that keeps me thin. Middle-aged men do put on weight, you know." He knew his words might be a little harsh, but what Remus had said had really hurt. Sure, he had put on a few pounds lately, but it wasn't like he was turning into Horace Slughorn.

Remus had flinched when Severus verbally slapped him. "I know that. It's just that it's been so sudden. That's why I served the meals I did yesterday. I just think we should be more careful about what we eat, that's all. I love you, and I want to take care of you." He noticed tears glistening on Severus's cheek. "Are you crying?"

Severus turned his back on the other man. "Of course I'm not," he replied defensively, even though he knew that he was. The worst part was the fact that he couldn't stop.

Remus once again wrapped his arms around Severus. "I'm sorry I was so blunt. I didn't want to hurt you. I know you've been under a lot of stress lately. How about we take that vacation? We can get in four days before I have to start my Wolfsbane regimen. I think the trip will do us both good."

"A completely relaxing vacation?" Severus asked tentatively. The food the villa house-elves had made had been some of the best he had ever eaten, and the sea air had done wonders for his appetite.

"Completely relaxing. It'll just be the two of us. We can make love the whole time, whatever you want." He nibbled at Severus's neck.

Severus found himself responding to his lover's touch. "Sounds marvelous." Turning to face Remus, he reached down and found that Remus was quite aroused. "I really should get in to work," he said, but he didn't really mean it.

"Would they miss you if you were an hour late?" Remus asked slyly.

"Only an hour?" Suddenly, Severus didn't feel very much like going into work at all. "How about we start our vacation now?"

"I'll Floo Lydia later." Remus struggled to unbutton Severus's trousers and eventually just ripped the button off.