Beholden To No Man

Chapter 12

By lunchtime, Aurelia had already been interviewed by the Head of Spell Damage, poked and prodded in an assortment of places, and given an inordinate number of tests. Physically, she had been given a clean bill of health. She was enjoying a light lunch with Marcus, who was planning to take her on a walk in the park after lunch to check her psychological damage. She knew that she was repressing the memories, and that she would have to acknowledge them at some point during her recovery, but she did not think she was ready for that yet.

They spent the first half hour walking to a secluded area of the park. Marcus had asked her about every detail of the events prior to her capture, and they had both come to agree that there was nothing she could have done differently. People just did not expect to be attacked in broad daylight and abducted now that the war was over.

The next hour and a half was spent sitting on a park bench, discussing her captivity. Slowly and cautiously, Marcus helped her to open up, face the realities of what had happened. When she needed it, he provided a shoulder to cry on.

"But... I gave up," she moaned tearfully.

He rubbed her back. "After six days. That is a very long time to resist any sort of torture. And you did agree that he was torturing you."

"I know, but I stopped believing that Severus would find me. When he did, he told me that he would never stop looking for me, that he would always come for me. I shouldn't have doubted him."

"Aurelia, listen to me. You were not in your right mind. He was manipulating you, making you weak, molding you so that you would believe what he told you. You did nothing wrong. Do you understand that?" He had gently pushed her away so that they could look into each other's eyes.

She nodded and wiped her nose with her handkerchief. "I do."

"You are the brave woman that I have always known you to be. You resisted for six days, believing that Severus was looking for you. How many of those we've treated could say the same?"

"Not many."

"Good. Now, there is one more thing we need to talk about."

She was tired and ready to go back to Hogwarts. It had been a very trying day, and she was still not completely recovered from her ordeal. "Do we have to? Can't I come back tomorrow?"

He patted her knee. "This won't take long, and this is friend to friend, no more patient-doctor. How long were you planning on staying at Hogwarts?"

"I don't know. A week, give or take. I hadn't really thought about it, yet."

"I'm not trying to rush you. I want you to take as much time off as you need. We don't need you returning to work before you are ready. And should I assume that Severus is taking care of you?"

She could tell there was something hidden behind that question. "He's being very attentive, yes."

"That's good. You know that you have been through something very traumatic, something that's going to have a profound effect on you for a long time."

"Of course I do. Marcus, what are you getting at?" She was growing impatient at the indirectness of his conversation.

He sighed. "I think you should be very careful with him. Both of you have been through some rather traumatic events in the recent past, and not just your recent captivity. Sometimes two wounded souls will come together for mutual support. I worry that's what's happening with the two of you. After all, he was your patient, and you were a friendly face there for him. You helped him when everyone else had given up."

"You think we're wrong for each other?" She couldn't believe that he was butting into her personal life like this.

"Calm down. That's not at all what I'm saying. I'm telling you that you need to be careful. Right now, you want comfort, and he's there to provide that comfort. It's just... We all know what his background was."

She was getting very defensive. "Yes, was. He has been completely exonerated. I know about his colorful past. We have discussed it at great length. I think that I know a side of Severus that no one else does. And don't you think I'm old enough to make my own decisions about my life?"

He looked around to see if they were being watched. "I do. I also know that you have been terribly lonely since Henry was killed. And I think you are smart enough to know that the first offer to come along may not necessarily be the best. It might well be, but it might not. If you decide to pursue a relationship with Severus, make sure it's for the right reasons, not because he was the first man to pay attention to you. You are still a very attractive young woman."

"So you think he's not good enough for me?"

"It's good that you are angry with me."

"Stop psychoanalyzing me and answer the question," she snapped.

"I don't know the answer to that question. You are the only one that does. I just want you to start looking at why you are becoming involved with him. Do you pity him or do you love him? There is a substantial difference between the two. Does he return your love? Or is he even capable of love? Aurelia, you have seen his medical record. Do you pity him?"

She had seen his record, and she knew that not only was he repressed emotionally, but also his years as a double agent had taken a mental toll on him. Over time, she had gotten him to open up to her. But was she doing it out of love or out of duty to her patient? This morning, she had sworn that she loved him. Now, she wasn't so sure. "I'm ready to go now," she said coldly as she stood and began walking back to the hospital.

He fell in step beside her. "Of course. If you would like to come back later and talk again, my door is always open to you." When she snorted in reply, he continued, "I have always thought of you as a daughter. Forgive me if I am being overly concerned about your well-being."

She really wanted to be mad at him, but after her parents had disowned her, Marcus had stepped up to the role of father figure admirably, and his advice had never steered her wrong before. He had never told her what to do; he merely made sure that she examined things from every point of view. She sighed. "I know. And I thank you for your concern, but I can make my own decisions in this matter. I know things that you do not."

He placed his arm around her waist. "I thought that you might. I just don't want to see you get hurt. He has a very dark past, and you may not be ready to deal with that."

They finished the walk back to the hospital in silence.

**************

Severus returned to St. Mungo's to find Marcus's office deserted. The man's secretary had told him that Marcus and Aurelia had been gone for nearly two hours. After flipping through the medical journals on the small table next to the couch, he perused the bookshelf, looking for something interesting. He wasn't sure how much longer he would have to wait for the two of them to return.

As he flipped through the book, Lucius's words kept echoing in his mind. Shoving them aside as best he could, he told himself that anyone who would wake him for sex must feel something for him. On more than one occasion, she had told him that she loved him. Malfoy's words were meaningless.

After an hour of waiting, he heard the door open. The scowl on her face quickly turned into a smile when she saw him. He braced himself for the hug that she would undoubtedly give him.

"I'm so glad you're here. I'm ready to go now." She wrapped her arms around him.

He gently patted her on the back. "Of course."

Before they could leave, Marcus said, "My door's open if you need to talk. I think we made good progress today."

"Thank you," she replied, still a bit coldly.

Severus could tell that something unpleasant had happened, but he knew this was not the place to ask her about it, if she would even be comfortable talking to him about it at all. He was painfully aware that she could blame him for several things. For not having turned Lucius over to the authorities in the first place. For not rescuing her sooner. For not having set better wards. He should have known to start up north, not waste his time searching mainland Europe. He had let her suffer for far too long at the hands of a monster.

They walked to her office in silence, and he offered to go through the Floo first, in case she was once again disoriented upon arrival in Adrian's study.

When he stepped out of the fireplace, he was relieved to see the study was deserted. He reached for her arm to steady her as she jumped out of the fire. "How do you feel?"

She put her hand to her head. "I'll be fine. But I think I'd like to lie down for a little while before dinner."

"Of course." Checking the clock on the wall, he saw that it was in between classes. "If you wouldn't mind waiting a few minutes, I would prefer to wait until the students are in class."

"Of course," she replied and took a seat in one of the chairs.

They didn't say anything until after the bell rang, and Severus said, "Are you ready?"

She stood and hooked her arm in his. "Definitely. I'm exhausted."

When they arrived in his rooms, she sat on the edge of the bed and took off her shoes. "Hold me?"

He crawled into bed behind her. She rolled over so that she was facing him and nuzzled against his chest. "Did you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"Not right now." She was silent for long enough that Severus thought she had fallen asleep when she added. "I like the way this feels."

"So do I," he replied. He thought it sounded incredibly trite, but it was the truth. "Do you regret last night?" he finally asked. That question had been nagging him for quite some time.

"Not at all," she replied. After a moment, she pulled back a little. "Do you?"

"A little. I worry that we may have rushed things."

Tracing his jaw, she replied. "We didn't. That dinner we were supposed to meet for? I was going to tell you that I love you, that I want to be with you. Nothing that happened to me changed that."

"I should have done more to rescue you." He knew the first step to overcoming guilt was addressing the subject behind it. That was what all the Healers at St. Mungo's had told him, anyway.

"You did the best that you could. You had no idea where he might have taken me."

He was astounded by what she was saying. "How is it that you can see it all so clearly? So easily not blame me? I should have listened to you and turned him in."

"I learned long ago that you cannot change the past, but must live with the consequences of your actions. None of us can see the future and be sure of all the possible ramifications of the things we do. None of us are perfect, and I'm okay with that." Her hand traced lazy circles on his chest. "If you want to slow things down, that's all right."

"I just want to give you time to recover properly. And I do think we need to talk about what you went through, but only when you are ready."

She rested her head back down on his chest. "Soon. I promise."

*************

By the end of the first week, Severus had returned to full time teaching. Aurelia was still at the castle, and she had begun working with Poppy in the infirmary. When she wasn't in the infirmary, she could be found in his private lab, continuing her Wolfsbane Potion research.

Sometimes, she would tell him about things that had happened while she had been held captive, but he thought that she had not told him everything yet. He was getting used to having her in his quarters, and he knew it was only a matter of time before she returned home and resumed her job at St. Mungo's. He was not looking forward to that day.

After he finished with his seventh year class, he stopped by the lab, but found she was gone. When he opened the door to his quarters, he heard her laughing with Lupin, and it grated on his nerves that she had invited the werewolf into his private space.

"Lupin," he said coldly.

They both looked up at him. Aurelia said, "Severus, I hope you don't mind, but we decided to take a break and have some tea. Would you like some?"

"No, thank you," he replied.

After several seconds of ensuing uncomfortable silence, Remus said, "I think I'll be going. I'll see you tomorrow about the next phase." Before he left, he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.

Severus was fuming. He tried not to say anything, knowing that he should not be feeling so insecure.

Aurelia patted the sofa beside her. "Why don't you have a seat even if you won't have some tea?"

He considered her question for a moment before sitting on the sofa with her, though he sat on the far end. "Did you have a nice tea with Lupin?"

She sighed. "We did. After I finished the latest stage of the potion, he began telling me about Kalliope."

Arching an eyebrow, he said, "Oh?"

"Yes. He's quite taken with her. She sounds like a nice woman."

Severus snorted. Aurelia had no idea what sort of woman Kalliope was. He was almost positive that Kalliope was not the sort of woman interested in settling down. Still, he finally accepted the cup of tea.

"He's invited us out to dinner tomorrow. It'll be a double-date."

He nearly choked as he swallowed the tea. "Double-date?" he sputtered.

"Is there something wrong with that? I'd kind of like to get out of the castle, and I think it would be nice to meet Kalliope since Remus is such a good friend."

This was an aspect of their relationship he had not considered. He had come to tolerate Lupin, but he did not want to consider the man a friend. Unfortunately, she did, and he realized that like it or not, he would be seeing a lot of Lupin. "No, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wasn't sure you were ready to go out in public yet."

"I'm feeling much better. And I think going out is for the best." She looked away.

"What is it?"

"I think it's about time for me to return to work. I'm planning on going back on Monday."

"I see," he said quietly.

Scooting across the sofa, she wrapped her arms around him. "I'm going to miss being here, but I can't just not return to my work."

He knew that she was right, but he had grown accustomed to having her here with him. He placed his arm around her shoulder. "I know. I just want to make sure that you really are ready."

"I am. And you can come spend weekends with me, or I can come here, and we can still meet for dinner. Maybe we can plan a vacation for Easter?"

It took him a moment to regain his composure before he could respond. That was the last thing he had expected her to say. "What about the girls?"

"Julia was going to stay here preparing for O.W.L.s, and I'm sure she could keep an eye on Helen."

He wasn't sure what he thought about that. So far, the two of them had not mentioned to anyone the fact that their mother was staying at Hogwarts with him. He wondered what they would think about him taking her on vacation somewhere.

*************

As he prepared for the "double-date" with Lupin, Severus took longer than usual to dress. He was in no hurry, since he didn't really want to spend the evening with Lupin.

"Are you ready yet?" Aurelia asked impatiently.

"Yes," he replied.

She wrapped her arms around his waist. "It won't be so bad."

He assumed this was one of many sacrifices he would be making. Now that he thought about it, he realized that his life had been full of instances where he had made sacrifices for others. He sighed. "I'm ready."

It was shortly after the start of dinner for the students when they departed, so there was no one wandering about the hallways, for which he was quite grateful. It was not that he was ashamed of Aurelia; he just had a reputation to maintain.

Once they were away from the castle, she looped her arm in his, and he involuntarily stiffened at the intimate touch.

"Why do you do that?" she asked softly.

"I'm unaccustomed to people touching me," he replied simply.

"Do you not like it when I touch you?"

He placed his hand on hers. "I enjoy your touch very much." She relaxed at his reassuring words and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" The night was clear and cold, but there was no breeze, making it quite tolerable.

He looked up at the stars and realized that it had been a very long time since he had admired a night. Normally, he paid no notice to the sky, and he had forgotten how bright the stars could be.

When they arrived at the Three Broomsticks, Remus and Kalliope were waiting for them.

"I was beginning to wonder if you were going to make it," Remus said.

"I just wanted to enjoy the walk down from the castle," Aurelia replied, keeping secret the fact that Severus had been stalling.

Over dinner, Severus made very little conversation. He preferred to observe. He noticed that Kalliope was practically hanging all over Lupin. The two of them couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other. Personally, he found the overt display of affection in such a public setting quite distasteful. Especially when Lupin fed her a bit of his meal off his fork. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Aurelia, trying to gauge her reaction to the amorous display across the table from them.

Near the end of the meal, the two women were chatting about the latest fashions and which colors were likely to be popular during the coming spring. Lupin was looking at him as though he expected the Potions master to engage him in conversation.

"Thanks for coming out to dinner, Severus," Remus said. "I know you aren't much for social events."

"I have been known to make exceptions from time to time." His tone indicated that he did not want to continue the conversation. Thankfully, Lupin took the hint. He thought about the fact that Aurelia would be leaving in just a few short days. Given the current state of their relationship, he could think of no reason to ask her to stay.

She put her hand on his forearm. "I think I'm ready to head back now. Remus and Kalliope are going to stay a bit longer."

"Of course," he replied, pleased that she did not want to stay and socialize. Reaching into his pocket, he paid their portion of the bill. Once they were outside, Aurelia once again looped her arm in his and leaned into him. He felt like he should say something, but he wasn't sure what it was.

"Thank you, again," she replied. "I know that you aren't much for things like that."

"You're quite welcome." He realized it was an incredibly weak thing to say.

She stopped him and reached up to give him a kiss. "I really do appreciate it."

Brushing her cheek, he replied, "There are many things that I do for you that I would do for no other."

Smiling back at him, she replied, "I love you, too." Taking his arm again, she continued walking back to the castle.

***********

Severus arrived in the library shortly after it opened. There were no students there yet. Seeing Eileen sitting behind the counter, he approached her and said, "She's leaving."

"Leaving you?"

"No. Leaving the castle."

She set down her book. "She does have a job at St. Mungo's."

"I realize that. I've just... gotten used to having her here. I didn't consider that she would be leaving."

Sounding sympathetic, she replied, "Surely you did consider it."

"I did, but just not this soon. It's only been a little over a week. That cannot be enough time for her to have come to terms with what happened to her."

"Where is she now?"

"In the hospital wing."

"The fact that she is working should have told you that she was ready. From what you've said, she is a very strong woman. Have you told her how you feel about her going?"

"Of course not. I would sound like a sentimental fop if I did." He had picked up the book Eileen had been reading and flipped the pages. "And I am not a sentimental fop. I just enjoyed having her here. It reminded me of last summer. We talk late into the night. I enjoy her company." He hesitated. "I love her, Mother."

"And she knows that?"

"Yes. I have told her." He paced a few seconds. "She asked me about spending the Easter holidays with her. Alone. No children."

A broad grin spread across Eileen's face. "That's wonderful."

"But does it mean anything?"

"I think you know what it means," she replied coyly.

"I don't know that I'm ready for that. I love her as I have never loved anyone else..."

"And you enjoy her company. You know what the next step is."

"It is a very large step," he said dryly.

"One that you cannot keep secret. Is that what frightens you about it?"

"I am not frightened," he said defensively.

"Of course not, dear."

He arched an eyebrow at her. "I am concerned about her. I do not know that I am the sort of man that she should be marrying."

"Then why do you continue to pursue a relationship with her? Because you know that you are exactly the sort of man that she should marry. You just have to admit it to yourself."

"It's a very large step," he muttered. After all his years of shutting everyone out, letting someone into his life, and as his wife to boot, was nearly beyond his comprehension. He had always seen himself living out the remainder of his life as a bachelor.

"It's nothing to be afraid of. You want her in your life. Think about it."

He replied sarcastically, "Once again, stellar advice. I must be going to class." He swept out of the library, not feeling at all satisfied at the outcome of his conversation. She had helped him see his true feelings, but he felt like she had not offered any real advice. Certainly nothing for his current dilemma of Aurelia leaving.

***************

In the week following Aurelia's departure, Severus was more vindictive than usual with his students. Owing to the fact she had missed several weeks of work, she had not been able to meet him for dinner until Friday. Thankfully, she had the weekend off, and he spent most of it at her house. He thought that she did seem to be more like herself now that she had returned to her normal life. Unfortunately, he felt less like himself without seeing her on a daily basis.

The following Wednesday, she invited him for dinner, declaring that she had finally caught up on everything that had transpired in her absence. He hoped that meant they would be able to spend more time together, though he knew that he still had obligations at the school. He hoped that she could come see him more often. Just having her in his office as he graded papers was enough.

When he arrived at her house, she was in the middle of preparing dinner, and he offered to help, ignoring her protestations that she didn't need any. While they ate, she talked about how good it was to be back at work and get back into the normal routine. He noticed that she wasn't really eating much of her meal. "Is something bothering you?"

She pushed her potatoes around a few seconds more. "There's something I have to tell you."

Fearing the worst, he set down his fork and balled his hands around his napkin. "What might that be?" he tried to ask in a neutral tone of voice, even though he was inwardly terrified that she was going to tell him that they should just be friends. After all, he had performed so miserably in bed that they had not had sex since that first night.

"Something's happened, something quite unexpected."

He wanted to say something, anything. He wanted to reach across the table and shake her, demanding that she tell him whatever she was keeping from him. Had she met someone else? Someone better than him? He knew that he was not Britain's most eligible bachelor. He sat there.

She looked up and met his eyes. "I'm pregnant."

These were the last two words that he was expecting to hear, and the blood drained from his face. "What? Are you sure?"

"I've been through this before, and I'm a Healer, of course I'm sure."